Beating the Holiday Blues

                                            

If Christmas is supposed to be so merry, then why am I depressed?

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year” we hear in the words of a famous Christmas song. If that is the case, then why do so many people struggle depression during this time? The truth is, rather than being the merriest time of the year, Christmas is for many one of the saddest times. Why? There are many reasons for this, and some practical things we can do to avert that sinking feeling that threatens to rob us of joy.

One of the biggest culprits is unrealistic expectations: “I should be happy,” we try to convince ourselves, as we race from event to event. Underneath we feel guilty for spending too much money, eating too much, or being crabby with our family members. Though over- extended, we say yes with a saccharine smile, while inside counting the days until this hectic season is over.  We get into a vicious cycle: too busy, too angry, too depressed, so we do more to cover it up, try harder, get angrier, more depressed…

There are several ways to break this cycle. Consider listening to your “self talk.”  The phrase “I should” is tyrannical. Try replacing some of the “I shoulds” with “I would like to” and ”I wonder how I could…” Instead of “I should give Aunt Matilda a gift,” say “I would like to give her a gift.” This not only indicates your choice of giving her the gift, but also allows you to choose the option not to if that’s really how you feel. Go ahead and be honest with yourself. What is the worst that could happen? This little exercise will help us identify what we really do want to do, and feel better about what we actually choose.

Wisdom tells us to prioritize, simplify, and cut out unnecessary activities. Do we really need to bake 12 kinds of cookies just because mom did?

Maybe you are a family that is grieving or adjusting to new living conditions. If so, give yourself some space! If loss has occurred through death or divorce, don’t expect yourself to have happy feelings. That is being out of touch with reality. God does not expect such things. Many well-meaning friends and relatives may understand neither the depth of your grief, nor the most helpful way to help you deal with it. Take care of yourself, seek out counsel, learn to forgive, and find support as you move through this season. It’s okay to be melancholy.  Our entire culture is based on seeking emotional highs and does not encourage a proper treatment of grief or depression.

 Some families find it helpful to cancel extraneous activities such as multiple parties and instead do something for others. Any way of reaching out to someone less fortunate than ourselves is very therapeutic. Reading stories about people who overcome adversity does wonders for seeing the truth about our own situation, Whatever we struggle with, it’s not as bad as those who live in war-torn, desperately poor countries, or who have suffered unspeakable tragedies, like the loss of all one’s family members, genocide, debilitating brain injuries, and the like.

The real “Reason for the Season” is NOT happy feelings!  We can reject the stress that comes from doing too much, and more importantly reject the unrealistic expectations that drive it.  We need to take care of ourselves, learn to say “no,” spend our valuable time on fewer activities, cultivate traditions that focus on relationship. The Savior’s birth is the epitome of simplicity. As we take steps to reject unrealistic cultural and familial expectations, we surely will experience more of the peace that He came to give us.

8 Simple Prayers to Help Your Marriage

Last week I was in Rwanda teaching a marriage seminar, and several participants asked me to publish these. They are simple, short, and when prayed from the heart can release tremendous power from God. Whether you want to make a good marriage better or heal a hurting one, research has shown that prayer makes a big difference.

8 Simple Prayers that Help Marriages

1.     Lord, give us tender hearts for each other and for You.  This is a powerful prayer. It’s based on Matt. 19:8 where Jesus says that “because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you divorce.” When we get hurt, we harden our hearts which leads to emotional separation. Pray this daily for our spouses and ourselves! Even several times a day may not be too often.

2.     Help us to hear You together. In Is. 30:18-21 we learn that He longs to bless us and that He will direct us. How vital to develop the ability to hear His guiding voice in unity! Pray to “hear” and then tell each other what you’ve heard from God. Then pray again to choose a course together.

3.     Lord, what should I say and what should l not say? Help me know how much to say, when to say it, and if I could keep silent on this issue. Prov. 15:23 say that an apt answer brings joy. There are many other Proverbs that speak of the danger of using too many words. We need to learn discernment on what is too much and what is “stuffing it” or saying not enough.

4.     Give me your eyes to see him/her.  II Cor. 5:16 says we can learn to recognize no one according to the old nature. Asking Him to help us see our spouse with His eyes is very helpful, as our vision is often clouded with our own hurts, preconceived notions, and history of wounds from others.

5.     Lord, help me see myself as you see me. Due to our own personal wounds we are often harsh with ourselves. This also causes us to be critical of our spouse and children. Song of Sol 6:9-10 is a precious Scripture that shows how God sees us. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and children is to allow Him to heal our emotional pain.

6.     Help me to encourage myself.  In I Sam 30:6, David showed that he knew how to encourage himself in God’s strength. Too often we rely on our spouse for encouragement, and try to get all our needs met from him/her. As we learn to rely more on God to meet our needs, it will greatly improve our marriages. We will be like less like a vacuum cleaner, sucking the life out of the other one and more like a fountain, overflowing with love to give out.

7.     Help me to encourage my wife/husband today. Heb. 3:13 urges us to encourage each other, because life is full of discouraging situations that drain us. How can we be part of the solution rather than part of the problem for our spouse?

8.     Lord, give me victory over bitterness. Heb. 12:14-17 warns us that a bitter heart can pollute many. Most notably our children will learn to harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if we do not get victory over these negative emotions in our marriages. “Forgiveness is giving up our right to hurt the person back who hurt you.” (Dr.Archibald Hart) This understanding has the potential to change marriages everywhere. After all, a marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Perfectionism or Excellence?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you wear that title like a badge of pride?

Or are you really someone who simply strives for excellence?

What’s the difference?

Many people do identify themselves as perfectionists, but I’d like to suggest that perfectionism is destructive, causing much angst and even harmful to relationships. Many cases of depression, anxiety, and low self esteem stem directly from a perfectionist mindset. But all of us agree that excellence is a noble and worthy goal.

I am a recovering perfectionist. My favorite quote from Alfred Adler is, that to be healthy emotionally, we need to “develop the courage to be imperfect.” This quote hangs on the wall in my office, to remind me, as well as my clients that perfectionists have an unrealistic standard for themselves. Usually it is based on a performance mentality, that is: “I am not good enough unless I DO things perfectly, or “I need to be the BEST at this thing…” Can you see why this would be so discouraging? If my value as a person depends on my performance, then always there will be some better or worse than me and my worth is resting on shifting sands.

Excellence, on the other hand, does not act as such a harsh taskmaster.  Contrast the self talk of a person striving for excellence and a person driven to perfectionism.  “I want to, I wish, I would like…” are internal messages that a person tells themselves as they work hard to achieve a goal. Their goal, unlike that of the perfectionist, is realistic. They are stating their goals as a wish or a desire.  “I should, I must, I ought to…” says the perfectionist to him or herself. Their outlook is based on idealism, not reality. “It should be perfect” really translates into “It’s never good enough!” How discouraging!

The motivation of a perfectionist is often to avoid failure. It’s fear-based. The motive of the person working towards excellence is a desire for success, which is a much more positive one. Which would make a person feel better: to be free, in pursuit of a goal that makes them proud of themselves when they accomplish it? Or to be a slave in a prison of disappointment, frustration, and failure? Perfectionists tend to compare themselves to others, and hence never really feel satisfied. Life for the seeker of excellence is viewed as a challenge that they have chosen, and it is fulfilling when they attain a goal that they have set. The fantasy world of the “shoulds” serves only to rob the individuals of acceptance and dignity. It is based on the lie that people and things have the ability to be perfect.

Perfectionists have trouble with relationships. Living in a constant state of frustration and fear of failure gnaws at one’s ability to connect in a positive, encouraging way. Because they are under the shadow of the world’s unreal demands, they become critical of themselves and critical of others. Harsh judgments slip out of their mouths, when the person they are observing is needing and longing for encouragement. How many times have you heard a child say “My parent always notices when I do wrong, but never when I do right!?” Of course there is a time to correct and guide, but if we are reacting with critical attitude, it may well stem from the unrealistic standards that we have set for ourselves.  The common term for this is “baggage.” Truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is to get help for your own emotional struggles. Perfectionism is, contrary to popular belief, one of them. 

So, be intentional about developing the courage to be imperfect. I used to tell this to my students who struggled with perfectionism, and some of them have told me years later that it has helped them to handle life better. Give yourself the gift of freedom from the curse of negative thinking about yourself and the world. Know that you can actually make mistakes and accept them with dignity. Both you and those you interact with will be happier as you replace the lie of perfectionism with the truth of self-acceptance.

Tolerance

We hear a great deal about teaching tolerance these days. While it is valuable to teach our children that they need to respect all people, regardless of how different they may be from them, I’d like to suggest that there is another kind of tolerance that is equally vital that we need to teach our children. It is tolerance for the word “No” and “Wait.”

Many well-meaning parents have very low expectations of their children. They don’t think their kids can tolerate waiting. Waiting is discomforting, and who likes to feel discomfort? Maybe the parents’ own feelings are involved: they themselves have not developed patience so how can their children possibly learn it? Perhaps it is a problem of parental courage. How much easier it is to give the child what he/she wants at the time, rather than fighting with him/her!

So the children learn to demand things because it works fine for them. And we all do what works for us.

Years ago, the pace of life was slower. People were more connected, and they took more time on relationships. Grandfathers, for example, took their grandchildren fishing, where they learned patience in the context of a loving relationship in connection with nature. What else does a child learn when they are sitting in Nature quietly? They learn to contemplate, to think, reflect, and perhaps to entertain themselves. Such skills are vital for the children of today. Electronic screens speed up our lives, feeding us a nearly endless stream of fictional relationships, which actually hinders connecting with real people. Many parents and children spend more time on their screens than they do engaging together in real “live” relationships, and children suffer emotional deprivation without anyone realizing it. The pleasure centers of their brain get over-stimulated, but they do not learn to listen, give and take, empathize, or calm themselves. 

We can reverse this trend by first of all recognizing the problem. Delayed gratification is a skill that the whole family can practice together. Try giving each person a candy bar and rewarding them for how slowly they eat it. Box up some of their toys and put them away, so they aren’t overwhelmed with so many things to choose from.  Tell the child before entering the grocery store if you will buy candy for him/her. Then follow through calmly with no arguments, criticism, or apologies. (Remember, kids do what works for them, so if you engage in an argument and they wear you down, there is 100% chance they will do it again.) Require the children in elementary school to make their own lunches and get themselves ready for school.  Do not make excuses for them when they are late.

Saying no involves courage. Parents who do so give their children a gift: the ability to practice self control. Too many parents today are like short order cooks, serving their child whatever he/she wants for a meal. It is certainly reasonable to tell the child that if she/he doesn’t like the food being served that a family requirement is to eat a small portion of it and then eat some bread.  Be vigilant about teaching children what is enough. “Enough” is a boundary word, another vital life skill that gets blurred when we over-indulge our kids. 

Parents must learn to provide a good balance of structure and nurture, and break the pattern of overindulgence. Growing Up Again by Jean Clarke and Connie Dawson (1998) is a valuable parenting resource that goes into depth on this.  It provides concerned, earnest parent the opportunity to explore their own history, the reasons we overindulge, excuses we make, habits we have developed. It also provides excellent ideas on how to set boundaries, teach self control, and rescue our children from the scourge of insecurity that overindulgence brings.

Resolving conflict with mutual respect

I can’t think of too many things more essential than to teach and practice respectful conflict resolution skills in our families.

Often family members come to me as a professional counselor for reconciliation: parents and adult children, spouses working on their relationship, and teens with their parents are the most common. In every situation I find a single element missing: mutual respect. All parties are discouraged, angry, and pointing the finger of blame at the others. How can we avoid this, or if it applies to us, engage in communication that is effective so we can find reconciliation?

Here are some guidelines that can help people better resolve conflict:

1.     Speak with respect and calmness, rather than preaching, teaching, or angrily trying to change the other person’s beliefs through argument. Here is an example of a harsh start up: (Sarcastically) “Thanks a lot for planning a golf date on Jonny’s birthday! You should think of the rest of the family before you make your plans!”  Here is an example of more respectful or softer start up. “Honey, did you forget it is Jonny’s birthday in 2 weeks when you made that golf date? I really do need help with his party, and feel hurt by this. How can we solve this thing together?

2.     Speak directly and honestly, rather than hinting or assuming.  Ask to check out your conclusions   rather than assuming. In the second example, the speaker is not assuming bad motives on the dad’s part.

3.      Be cordial, respectful, even if you disagree, rather than insulting or accusing the other one.  The fist example above might continue: ”I can’t believe how selfish you are!, only thinking of your own pleasure rather than the family, or even your own son! You are such a dead-beat dad.”  A much better way would be:  “I am guessing you really do want to be here for his party, right? Would it work to re-schedule your golf game for another day? Do you have any other ideas? I really think it is very important!”

4.     Avoid name-calling, emotional outbursts with profanity, and the use of always and never.  “You always ignore your son’s needs!”

5.     Keep emotional distance, which means choose not to get drawn into reacting emotionally.  Soothe yourself with self-calming techniques like deep breathing or taking a time out.  “I am feeling so frustrated right now, I need about 20 minutes to cool down. Can we talk again in 20 minutes?”

6.     Be ready to admit your part in the conflict, ask forgiveness.  John Gottman calls these “repair attempts”, and observes that in healthy relationships, both parties stay on the alert to make and accept them.  Here are some examples: “Well, maybe I was over-reacting. I need to calm down. Your point of view does make sense, can we compromise?”

Avoiding the underlined terms above will only work if we are able to manage our anger, however. How many times have we experienced what Daniel Siegel calls “emotional hi-jacking,” where we have the best of intentions, but then someone pushes our hot button? We react, and set the process back by saying things we later regret.  Sadly, the rational mind seems to shut down when the emotions are activated. So, self-soothing skills are vital if we are to conduct family (or any relational) communication. John Gottman in his landmark books urges couples to “sooth yourself and each other” as part of the problem solving process. His book on raising emotionally intelligent children is equally as powerful.

Underneath emotional hijacking is a mistaken belief. People believe with all their hearts that they are RIGHT. “Because I am right,” the thinking goes, “I need to make my point, and if the other one will listen to me and see it my way, then we can go on.” Does this sound familiar? I often say to both parties “You are both right!”  The question that we need to ask ourselves is “Do I want to be right or to be effective?" Do I want the relationship, or to be right?” Often the solution is found not in who is right and who is wrong but in how we can function together.

Choose a few of the above pointers, think about them, and apply them to yourself personally. After all, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself.

What does encouragement mean?

“The ability to encourage others seems to be the most important single quality in getting along with others.” So said Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, disciple of Alfred Adler and author of Children the Challenge.

What did Dreikurs and Adler mean by “encourage?”

Many people think of encouragement as complimenting or “cheerleading.” While these are valuable components, there is much more to encouragement than simply saying nice things to people. An expanded definition of encouragement is needed, one that conveys respect for the people we are relating to.

How can we communicate respect, and thus increase the confidence of the people we care about?

The answer is “respectful communication”.

So, how can we have respectful communication?

One way to do this is to ask them questions and engage with them. Questions that start with “what” or “how,” allow people to express themselves. Of course if we ask those kinds of questions, we need to be ready to really listen to their answer. For example the authors of Love and Logic  parenting books suggest asking your teenager “That’s interesting, how do you think that can be solved?” If we ask people “yes or no” questions, that is not very engaging, and it doesn't require us to listen to them either. The ability to encourage others displays an authentic interest in who the person is and that comes from listening.

When we ask questions that start with “why”, we run the risk of shaming them. “Why did you do that?” If we think about it, usually the only real answer they can give is “because I am bad.” Is that really our motive for asking them “why”? A gentler phrase could be “Help me understand your reason for…” Respectful curiosity is a useful concept that can guide us in our quest to build others up.

Another way to hone our skills of encouragement is to ask someone’s opinion. However, once they start expressing their opinion, we need to be diligent to avoid belittling, ridiculing, or pointing out the errors in their thoughts. How often we do this when we are so certain we are right and they are not, and it is our job to set them straight! A truly encouraging stance is one where we give up our sense of self-importance that insists that we are always right.

An overbearing manner is very discouraging to the people we are talking to. More than 80-90% of communication is body language and tone. The body language of an overbearing person gives this message: “I am right, you are wrong, you need to listen to me and do what I want you to do; my thoughts, opinions, and wishes are more important than yours.”  If the overbearing person happens to be connecting with a pleaser or passive person, then it is likely the pleaser will give in to the more forceful one. Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

A common but erroneous use of the term encourage is, “I’d encourage you to change that.”  That is at best a request or a strong suggestion, and at worst a thinly disguised manipulative or controlling statement. Yet, we can easily slip in to such kind of talk if we are not careful.

Respectful communication is very encouraging. It requires that we put aside our own strong wills and listen, considering the other’s feelings, dignity, and worth. “Coeur” from which we get the word courage, is Latin for heart. Let’s “take heart” and literally impart courage to those we relate to, whether by empathetic listening, kind and gentle words, or genuine cheerleading. The world will certainly be a better place for our efforts, and we will reap the benefits of healthier relationships.  After all, everyone is vulnerable to discouragement. Encouragement and caring are as vital to our souls as water and sunshine are to a plant.

Motivating those we love

How can I motivate someone to change?

Sometimes, we just need to get a family member or friend to change. Whether it’s desperation to help them avoid pain, remove themselves from a bad situation, or a host of other good-hearted reasons, we often attempt to motivate someone to change something in their life. We use every trick in our book to convince them to listen to us, but so often nothing works. Or, if they DO change in the way we’ve suggested, they soon revert back to the old behaviors.

Why?

Maybe we are doing things the wrong way. Rather than touching and tapping into the person’s own inner strengths, we are trying to control them from the outside.

Every person eventually grows to a level of maturity where they begin to think for themselves. They want to express themselves. They want to make their own choices. Yet, too often we try to influence in ways that do not respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who are effective in motivating others to change, focus on facilitating and engaging the person’s intrinsic motivation. Lasting behavior change only happens when the person is motivated from the heart, or intrinsically.

Here are four ineffective means we use to motivate people, contrasted with four effective ways that tend to work. Notice that the effective ways each incorporate the recognition of the person’s identity and free will. The ineffective methods are familiar, no doubt all of us can relate to them.

1)    We use confrontation,          rather than       collaboration

2)    We use education,                rather than       evocation

3)    We use authority,                 rather than       autonomy

4)    We use explanation              rather than       exploration

Confrontation breeds conflict. Rather than directly pointing out the errors in the other person’s thinking, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong.” Such self righteous phrasing  communicates to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be “right.”

Education is good, but not so good for motivating. However, the default mode of many parents, teachers, and other authorities is the lecture. Talking at a person is belittling, and only a tiny fraction of the content is retained by the listener. Why do we bother? Rather, we can use such things as reflective listening to engage with them and gain their trust.  “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”  “I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain their trust.  Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does <_____>_ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?

Authority, as I wrote about in an earlier blog post, has been so misused that young people  have built up an immunity to it. The person wielding the authority has to either win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to, OR they need to threaten some type of force, punishment, or consequence. Obviously during emergencies or when dealing with very young children invoking authority is right and proper. But when trying to motivate another adult to change, the use of authority is highly ineffective. The words “bully”, or “abusive” are appropriate, and, unfortunately, in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” You can more effectively motivate people by helping them identify their goals and then plan the next steps. Goals can be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future. “What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating others to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they will see that authority can be there to build them up, not just tear them down.

Explanation falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go unheard and which fuel discouragement. Instead, EXPLORE with them. Ask them to look at their readiness:  “How important on a scale of 1-10?”   and their willingness: “How desperate are you?”. Both these are helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal is: “What do you need to do this?”  Engaging in problem-solving together to see how they can get what they need to help them reach their goal is highly motivating and encouraging.

Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of work, and faith communities!

 

Authority and the Next Generation

We strive to keep our ear to the ground, listening to the heartbeats of our children and their peers.

So often we hear, "I don't trust authority!" 

Why is this? In spite of our numerous admonitions to respect their parents, teachers, coaches and other adults as they were growing up, our children are pushing back. Why?

Perhaps it has something to do with our abuse of authority.

My husband and I relate to many young people who have grown up in churches where reverence, obedience, and respect for authority were taught continually! Where did we, the Church, go wrong?

Did we over-emphasize the concept of authority? Did we go too far in our efforts to control our children’s behavior?

Children who are over-controlled do not learn to think for themselves. They understand only fear, and instead of finding their own way, they will readily follow another tyrant who will tell them what to do. Authoritarian parents send them the message "You can't do this on your own, I need to do your thinking for you. So do what I say, unquestioningly." How discouraging this is to kids! No wonder many are so emotionally immature.

Many have turned to other philosophies that repudiate the idea of trusting and obeying the principles their parents hold dear. With the shift has come a drastic change in their values as well.  Many well-meaning parents end up discouraged, despairing, and very confused.

I believe that, for many, the answer lies in understanding a concept known as spiritual abuse.  Religious systems teach that God exists and is the Ultimate Authority. But the parents, teachers, and religious leaders often misrepresent this God that they speak of as Love.

Well-meaning parents, pastors, and others use Bible verses, spiritual principles, lectures, and punitive measures to control their children.  Such harsh methods do not allow a young person to express his or her voice, which is so vital to healthy development. These methods may work for a while, primarily while the kids are young.  But eventually the children will reject the message, "You can't think for yourself, so do it my way!" It’s is too discouraging. So they will rebel, crying out for justice.   

Disrespect, contempt, and even aggression characterize way too many parents', teachers' and pastors' approaches. Children imitate the character of their parents. Is it any surprise that many are now disrespectful and contemptuous of authority?

As parents, teachers and leaders, we need to 1) recognize the error of our ways, 2) ask our children to forgive us, 3) educate ourselves about spiritual abuse, and 4) respect our children’s voice, even if we don't agree with it. 

Can we learn to disagree respectfully? Let's do so, and model it for the next generation.