Motivating those we love

How can I motivate someone to change?

Sometimes, we just need to get a family member or friend to change. Whether it’s desperation to help them avoid pain, remove themselves from a bad situation, or a host of other good-hearted reasons, we often attempt to motivate someone to change something in their life. We use every trick in our book to convince them to listen to us, but so often nothing works. Or, if they DO change in the way we’ve suggested, they soon revert back to the old behaviors.

Why?

Maybe we are doing things the wrong way. Rather than touching and tapping into the person’s own inner strengths, we are trying to control them from the outside.

Every person eventually grows to a level of maturity where they begin to think for themselves. They want to express themselves. They want to make their own choices. Yet, too often we try to influence in ways that do not respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who are effective in motivating others to change, focus on facilitating and engaging the person’s intrinsic motivation. Lasting behavior change only happens when the person is motivated from the heart, or intrinsically.

Here are four ineffective means we use to motivate people, contrasted with four effective ways that tend to work. Notice that the effective ways each incorporate the recognition of the person’s identity and free will. The ineffective methods are familiar, no doubt all of us can relate to them.

1)    We use confrontation,          rather than       collaboration

2)    We use education,                rather than       evocation

3)    We use authority,                 rather than       autonomy

4)    We use explanation              rather than       exploration

Confrontation breeds conflict. Rather than directly pointing out the errors in the other person’s thinking, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong.” Such self righteous phrasing  communicates to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be “right.”

Education is good, but not so good for motivating. However, the default mode of many parents, teachers, and other authorities is the lecture. Talking at a person is belittling, and only a tiny fraction of the content is retained by the listener. Why do we bother? Rather, we can use such things as reflective listening to engage with them and gain their trust.  “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”  “I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain their trust.  Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does <_____>_ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?

Authority, as I wrote about in an earlier blog post, has been so misused that young people  have built up an immunity to it. The person wielding the authority has to either win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to, OR they need to threaten some type of force, punishment, or consequence. Obviously during emergencies or when dealing with very young children invoking authority is right and proper. But when trying to motivate another adult to change, the use of authority is highly ineffective. The words “bully”, or “abusive” are appropriate, and, unfortunately, in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” You can more effectively motivate people by helping them identify their goals and then plan the next steps. Goals can be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future. “What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating others to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they will see that authority can be there to build them up, not just tear them down.

Explanation falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go unheard and which fuel discouragement. Instead, EXPLORE with them. Ask them to look at their readiness:  “How important on a scale of 1-10?”   and their willingness: “How desperate are you?”. Both these are helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal is: “What do you need to do this?”  Engaging in problem-solving together to see how they can get what they need to help them reach their goal is highly motivating and encouraging.

Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of work, and faith communities!