Who Me? Entitled?

I’m about all burned out on Entitlement. Reading four books about entitlement in the past three weeks has maxxed me out! I need to take a break from it.

You see, I’m preparing for a parenting workshop August 19^th called “Entitlement: Beat It!” In getting ready for this workshop I’ve read The Entitlement Cure by Townsend, re-read Raising Grateful Kids in an Age of Entitlement by Welch and The Collapse of Parenting by Sax. The other night I started The Narcissism Epidemic by Twenge & Campbell. Today, well, my brain reached overload.

So I decided to write a blog about Entitlement, hmnmmm, was that smart?! Let me share a little of what I’m learning. Now, I’ve been watching the entitlement movement grow for two decades. I taught my classes back at Bethany the word “Entitlementitis” before it was popular to talk about it.

Did you know that there are four legs that Entitlement rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true. (The Narcissism Epidemic)

My workshop will address the first one, but we have all four to overcome if we want to turn responsible.

First of all we need to see where we are entitled ourselves. Townsend says we all have “Pocket Entitlement” that rears its ugly head from time to time. So, how do we get rid of that? He stresses that we can’t do it alone! We need to fix out “inner structure” so that it’s disciplined, being ruthless with our instant gratification mentality.

He lists five obstacles to making progress:

Isolation – Don’t get into a grandiose sense of self sufficiency.

Life problems - Don’t wait for life to get easy!

Extremism – Don’t be a sprinter, impatient for it all to be fixed, rather get rid of an all or nothing attitude.

Self-judgment – A harsh inner judge can derail the process. Grace for your failures neutralizes self-judgment so we can fight another day. 

Triggers- Figure out which triggers you’re vulnerable to and prepare for them. A few examples are boredom, not seeing results fast enough, a temporary relapse, friends who want you to drop your structure and go play with them. (The Entitlement Cure, p. 119ff)

Next we need to see the problems caused by false or inflated self-esteem. (Yes, we all have it, though it’s easiest to see in other people!) Probably the biggest problem which I’ve found all four of my books agree with is: the entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing. If he does fail, it cripples one’s ability to fail well, and hampers their capacity to learn and grow from failure.

Here are a few skills to help you develop the self-image that will take you through hard times:

1.     Create a self-image table with four columns: True Positives, True Negatives, False Positives, and False Negatives. List five aspects of how you see yourself (or have seen yourself) in each. For example, in True Positives I would write “Gentle with others.” In True Negatives I would put “Get distracted when things get difficult.” In False Positives I would list “Think I am better than others sometimes.” In False Negatives, “Get hopeless when I fail at something.”

2.     Meditate on Psalm 139 and Romans 3. These are two passages that define self-image accurately. One says how we are a wonderful creation, and the other tells us that we have a tendency to go our own way and forget who God is. Both are necessary.

3.     Ask three safe people in your life to look at your list from #1. Ask them if they will “not rescue me from the negatives, but rather will stick by me in my course of self-improvement.” (Townsend p. 135)

So, if we can get this far, how great! Our children, friends, siblings, colleagues will all benefit.

 Oh, and if you live in the Twin Cities and are a parent or a grandparent, come to the workshop. I have boatloads of parenting material to give you. Respond to my email to register.

But for now, I need to focus on something else. Like reading Pu der Bar auf Deutsch. That always gets my mind off of whatever is weighing me down...

What Do Kids Need Most?

It is said that a parent spells LOVE to a child with these four letters: TIME.  Yet, in our hectic, rushed lifestyle, how do we manage to carve out time for our families? In his excellent book Connecting with Our Kids, Dr. Tim Smith makes a strong case for spending “down time” with each other to nurture those vital relationships. After all, at the end of their lives, who ever says that they wish they had spent more time at the office or on the road?

 Equally as problematic however, is the tendency to over schedule our children. They are involved in everything: dance lessons, strength training, SAT test coaching, youth group, sports, music lessons, etc., all good things. But there is left little time for creative play, or with teens for simply discussing ideas.

Do you know the single common factor that all families with honor students have? It is not higher education of the parents or socio-economic status, rather it is family dinners together! This is also clear in the study of healthy families that turn out kids most likely to avoid the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and immorality. 

Why does the simple fact of eating together have such a drastic effect on children and youth? It has to do with the conversation at the table. Children’s brains are developing and they need opportunities to converse with parent, to be heard and to express themselves. At the table all are equal, and there is a certain intimacy that comes from eating together. Teenagers especially need to be able to try out their newly developing deeper thinking and logic skills (that’s why they argue so much!). Wise parents dialogue with them, gently and respectfully, firmly guiding them into truth.

There also is the problem of praising them too much. Here are 7 problems from over-zealous parents. It leads to entitlement, and often is our effort to assuage our own guilt at not spending enough time with them.

1.      Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.      Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 "So you too, when you have done everything you were told to do should say, 'We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.'"

3.      Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket. It turns into either "I don't believe you," or narcissism.

4.      Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment.” Instead say, “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”  Prov. 15:32 "He who ignores discipline despises himself."

5.      Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, and leads to disappointment.

6.      A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.      Praise the character in a person rather than the achievement all the time. This points out that the person has made a choice to do right, regardless of their talent or lack thereof.

We can learn some practical tips from those who have successfully raised their children. One of those is my pastor, Rob Ketterling, who makes the following suggestions.

1)      Each quarter give them something to look forward to. Otherwise “sometime” never comes. Example: Going to grandma’s, going to a game… you can do that once a quarter!

2) When they are 10, they get to choose a place to go on vacation. When they are 13, have a little ceremony where you have two adults speak into their lives. They should know them, and share some godly encouragement with them and also a warning.

3) If you spank, never do so such that it leaves a mark. It should never be out of control, both parents should be there to quell the other ones anger. Better to wait than to spank then in anger. And give them LOTS of love and affection when it's over, and they show brokenness.

4) Express affection to your spouse in front of them; this is very important.

5) They should go on a missions trip when teenagers. Go on a family one.

6) Too much of anything is not good. Too much discipline without nurture is like putting weed killer all over your lawn! How can it grow up when there is too much correction on it? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you neglect the kids by letting them do whatever they want. But most Christian parents err on the side of constantly correcting their child.  “Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Be careful…!” Are there 5 times as many good positive things as negative that your child hears?

7) Is your faith just a part of your life, on the fringe? Or is it vital, woven into every aspect of the kid’s life? Get as excited about when the child reads God’s word on his own; loves to tithe on his own; prays for missions on his own…as his earning power, his grades, her goal in soccer.

Our society is not family friendly. The skills needed to succeed at business are antithetical to those needed to develop strong family relationships. Let’s spend TIME with our children, building them up, nurturing their hearts. Let’s swim against the tide.