Resolving conflict with mutual respect

I can’t think of too many things more essential than to teach and practice respectful conflict resolution skills in our families.

Often family members come to me as a professional counselor for reconciliation: parents and adult children, spouses working on their relationship, and teens with their parents are the most common. In every situation I find a single element missing: mutual respect. All parties are discouraged, angry, and pointing the finger of blame at the others. How can we avoid this, or if it applies to us, engage in communication that is effective so we can find reconciliation?

Here are some guidelines that can help people better resolve conflict:

1.     Speak with respect and calmness, rather than preaching, teaching, or angrily trying to change the other person’s beliefs through argument. Here is an example of a harsh start up: (Sarcastically) “Thanks a lot for planning a golf date on Jonny’s birthday! You should think of the rest of the family before you make your plans!”  Here is an example of more respectful or softer start up. “Honey, did you forget it is Jonny’s birthday in 2 weeks when you made that golf date? I really do need help with his party, and feel hurt by this. How can we solve this thing together?

2.     Speak directly and honestly, rather than hinting or assuming.  Ask to check out your conclusions   rather than assuming. In the second example, the speaker is not assuming bad motives on the dad’s part.

3.      Be cordial, respectful, even if you disagree, rather than insulting or accusing the other one.  The fist example above might continue: ”I can’t believe how selfish you are!, only thinking of your own pleasure rather than the family, or even your own son! You are such a dead-beat dad.”  A much better way would be:  “I am guessing you really do want to be here for his party, right? Would it work to re-schedule your golf game for another day? Do you have any other ideas? I really think it is very important!”

4.     Avoid name-calling, emotional outbursts with profanity, and the use of always and never.  “You always ignore your son’s needs!”

5.     Keep emotional distance, which means choose not to get drawn into reacting emotionally.  Soothe yourself with self-calming techniques like deep breathing or taking a time out.  “I am feeling so frustrated right now, I need about 20 minutes to cool down. Can we talk again in 20 minutes?”

6.     Be ready to admit your part in the conflict, ask forgiveness.  John Gottman calls these “repair attempts”, and observes that in healthy relationships, both parties stay on the alert to make and accept them.  Here are some examples: “Well, maybe I was over-reacting. I need to calm down. Your point of view does make sense, can we compromise?”

Avoiding the underlined terms above will only work if we are able to manage our anger, however. How many times have we experienced what Daniel Siegel calls “emotional hi-jacking,” where we have the best of intentions, but then someone pushes our hot button? We react, and set the process back by saying things we later regret.  Sadly, the rational mind seems to shut down when the emotions are activated. So, self-soothing skills are vital if we are to conduct family (or any relational) communication. John Gottman in his landmark books urges couples to “sooth yourself and each other” as part of the problem solving process. His book on raising emotionally intelligent children is equally as powerful.

Underneath emotional hijacking is a mistaken belief. People believe with all their hearts that they are RIGHT. “Because I am right,” the thinking goes, “I need to make my point, and if the other one will listen to me and see it my way, then we can go on.” Does this sound familiar? I often say to both parties “You are both right!”  The question that we need to ask ourselves is “Do I want to be right or to be effective?" Do I want the relationship, or to be right?” Often the solution is found not in who is right and who is wrong but in how we can function together.

Choose a few of the above pointers, think about them, and apply them to yourself personally. After all, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself.