Tolerance

We hear a great deal about teaching tolerance these days. While it is valuable to teach our children that they need to respect all people, regardless of how different they may be from them, I’d like to suggest that there is another kind of tolerance that is equally vital that we need to teach our children. It is tolerance for the word “No” and “Wait.”

Many well-meaning parents have very low expectations of their children. They don’t think their kids can tolerate waiting. Waiting is discomforting, and who likes to feel discomfort? Maybe the parents’ own feelings are involved: they themselves have not developed patience so how can their children possibly learn it? Perhaps it is a problem of parental courage. How much easier it is to give the child what he/she wants at the time, rather than fighting with him/her!

So the children learn to demand things because it works fine for them. And we all do what works for us.

Years ago, the pace of life was slower. People were more connected, and they took more time on relationships. Grandfathers, for example, took their grandchildren fishing, where they learned patience in the context of a loving relationship in connection with nature. What else does a child learn when they are sitting in Nature quietly? They learn to contemplate, to think, reflect, and perhaps to entertain themselves. Such skills are vital for the children of today. Electronic screens speed up our lives, feeding us a nearly endless stream of fictional relationships, which actually hinders connecting with real people. Many parents and children spend more time on their screens than they do engaging together in real “live” relationships, and children suffer emotional deprivation without anyone realizing it. The pleasure centers of their brain get over-stimulated, but they do not learn to listen, give and take, empathize, or calm themselves. 

We can reverse this trend by first of all recognizing the problem. Delayed gratification is a skill that the whole family can practice together. Try giving each person a candy bar and rewarding them for how slowly they eat it. Box up some of their toys and put them away, so they aren’t overwhelmed with so many things to choose from.  Tell the child before entering the grocery store if you will buy candy for him/her. Then follow through calmly with no arguments, criticism, or apologies. (Remember, kids do what works for them, so if you engage in an argument and they wear you down, there is 100% chance they will do it again.) Require the children in elementary school to make their own lunches and get themselves ready for school.  Do not make excuses for them when they are late.

Saying no involves courage. Parents who do so give their children a gift: the ability to practice self control. Too many parents today are like short order cooks, serving their child whatever he/she wants for a meal. It is certainly reasonable to tell the child that if she/he doesn’t like the food being served that a family requirement is to eat a small portion of it and then eat some bread.  Be vigilant about teaching children what is enough. “Enough” is a boundary word, another vital life skill that gets blurred when we over-indulge our kids. 

Parents must learn to provide a good balance of structure and nurture, and break the pattern of overindulgence. Growing Up Again by Jean Clarke and Connie Dawson (1998) is a valuable parenting resource that goes into depth on this.  It provides concerned, earnest parent the opportunity to explore their own history, the reasons we overindulge, excuses we make, habits we have developed. It also provides excellent ideas on how to set boundaries, teach self control, and rescue our children from the scourge of insecurity that overindulgence brings.