Recently I read an article by Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia. She outlined some skills that I think are vital for teaching adolescents. (Indeed, we can all learn from them!)
1. Centering.
Find a quiet place where they can sit alone for 10-15 minutes. Relax and
breathe deeply. Focus on their own thoughts and feelings without judging or
directing them. Observe them, respect them.
2. Separate feeling from thinking. This is challenging
for a teenager, because their feelings are so intense and the pre-frontal
cortex has not developed fully yet. They need to ask themselves “How do I feel
about this?” and “What do I think about this?” They’ll come to recognize that
they are two different processes, that
both should be respected when making a decision.
3. Make a conscious, responsible choice. Make decisions slowly and carefully. Influence might
come from others, but the final decisions are their own.
4. Make and enforce boundaries. This is vital, for safety (who can touch me and who can’t).
They need to learn to say “NO” firmly, and not be pleasers.
5. Defining relationships. What relationships are in your own best interest? Many
girls are “empathy sick.”That is they know more about others’ feelings than
their own. They are socialized to let others do the defining: they worry about
not being perceived as nice or appearing selfish. Once they have experienced becoming
the object of their own lives again, they will be eager to continue to develop
this skill.
6. Managing pain.
All of the bad things in the world come from people trying to escape pain.
Drinking, drugs, self-harm, hitting one’s partner, gambling, even suicide is an
attempt to avoid unprocessed pain. One needs to sit with their pain, listen to
it for messages about their lives, to acknowledge it, describe it rather than
run from it. Positive self-calming methods such as deep breathing, exercise,
hobbies, reading, mindfulness are very important.
7. Modulate their emotional reactions. Both girls and boys have these, thought the boys’ more
often take the form of anger. Rate their stress on a 1 to 10 scale. This helps
them reframe extremes like “This day is the worst day of my life.”
8. Look within for validation. Being “other directed” or looking to the world for praise
and rewards makes teens vulnerable to depression and anxiety. Especially in
this age of social media. Teach them to record victories, that is actions in
keeping with their long term goals. Teach them to encourage themselves, not
depend on other’s opinions of them, for their value doesn’t depend on what
others think.
9. Time travel. Teach
them on bad days to go back and think of happier times. Sometimes travelling to
the future helps, have them think about their hopes and dreams. Tell themselves
that “this too shall pass.” Have a gallery in their mind of beautiful scenes
that they can go to, to escape the present hard time.
10. The joys of altruism. All teens are self-centered. It is not a character flaw, it’s a developmental stage, but it makes
them unhappy and limits their understanding of the world. On a regular basis,
volunteer to help people less fortunate than they are. Good deeds for
neighbors, a homeless shelter, animals that need love, a political cause,
children with disabilities…the possibilities are endless. This helps them feel
good about their contributions and become less self-absorbed.
Today’s adolescents need a North Star to orient themselves towards. Certainly the Bible and God’s love are a firm foundation and will provide them with something solid outside themselves to hold on to and focus on. Let’s, with patience and empathy, guide them in the right direction!
*Much of this article was taken from Reviving Ophelia: 25th Anniversary Edition by Mary Pipher and Sara Gilliam.
