What does encouragement mean?

“The ability to encourage others seems to be the most important single quality in getting along with others.” So said Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, disciple of Alfred Adler and author of Children the Challenge.

What did Dreikurs and Adler mean by “encourage?”

Many people think of encouragement as complimenting or “cheerleading.” While these are valuable components, there is much more to encouragement than simply saying nice things to people. An expanded definition of encouragement is needed, one that conveys respect for the people we are relating to.

How can we communicate respect, and thus increase the confidence of the people we care about?

The answer is “respectful communication”.

So, how can we have respectful communication?

One way to do this is to ask them questions and engage with them. Questions that start with “what” or “how,” allow people to express themselves. Of course if we ask those kinds of questions, we need to be ready to really listen to their answer. For example the authors of Love and Logic  parenting books suggest asking your teenager “That’s interesting, how do you think that can be solved?” If we ask people “yes or no” questions, that is not very engaging, and it doesn't require us to listen to them either. The ability to encourage others displays an authentic interest in who the person is and that comes from listening.

When we ask questions that start with “why”, we run the risk of shaming them. “Why did you do that?” If we think about it, usually the only real answer they can give is “because I am bad.” Is that really our motive for asking them “why”? A gentler phrase could be “Help me understand your reason for…” Respectful curiosity is a useful concept that can guide us in our quest to build others up.

Another way to hone our skills of encouragement is to ask someone’s opinion. However, once they start expressing their opinion, we need to be diligent to avoid belittling, ridiculing, or pointing out the errors in their thoughts. How often we do this when we are so certain we are right and they are not, and it is our job to set them straight! A truly encouraging stance is one where we give up our sense of self-importance that insists that we are always right.

An overbearing manner is very discouraging to the people we are talking to. More than 80-90% of communication is body language and tone. The body language of an overbearing person gives this message: “I am right, you are wrong, you need to listen to me and do what I want you to do; my thoughts, opinions, and wishes are more important than yours.”  If the overbearing person happens to be connecting with a pleaser or passive person, then it is likely the pleaser will give in to the more forceful one. Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

A common but erroneous use of the term encourage is, “I’d encourage you to change that.”  That is at best a request or a strong suggestion, and at worst a thinly disguised manipulative or controlling statement. Yet, we can easily slip in to such kind of talk if we are not careful.

Respectful communication is very encouraging. It requires that we put aside our own strong wills and listen, considering the other’s feelings, dignity, and worth. “Coeur” from which we get the word courage, is Latin for heart. Let’s “take heart” and literally impart courage to those we relate to, whether by empathetic listening, kind and gentle words, or genuine cheerleading. The world will certainly be a better place for our efforts, and we will reap the benefits of healthier relationships.  After all, everyone is vulnerable to discouragement. Encouragement and caring are as vital to our souls as water and sunshine are to a plant.