It’s like
blowing your nose or going to the bathroom, it’s so common. But, what if a
person did not know where or how to do these things? They’d make a mess at
best, spread germs at worst. So it is with anger: we can handle it properly or
we can let it destroy those we love.
It’s such a
human emotion everyone has, and it has the power to destroy or motivate for
good.
First of
all, let’s talk about the causes of anger. It generally happens when we have a blocked goal. We react in anger
because we did not get our way. Or we think we had a right to something and it’s been denied us. Whether we’re justified
in being angry or not, we suddenly have feelings to deal with! They flood over
us, and vie for control. What are we to do?
I’ll talk in
a minute about ways to handle angry feelings. But first I want us to look at
what’s behind anger. It could be pride,
thinking we’re right, we’re better than the person who has opposed us. It could
be bitterness, harboring a lot of
resentment from unresolved conflicts inside. It could be from self-talk, what we tell ourselves has
the power to fuel anger. Or it might be all 3 of these things.
What does
the Bible say? First of all, “Be angry but do not sin.” (Eph.4:26) We are told
that this emotion is legitimate, everyone, including Jesus, gets angry. But to
not sin? That’s the tricky part! When we hurt someone with our words, hurt
their body, hurt ourselves, or hurt property we sin. Reacting in anger often
leads to this (95% of the time?!), but we can avoid it by learning some anger
management techniques.
A whole list
of techniques is available! Here are a few:
1. Check your body to see how mad you
are. Stop and relax, take deep breaths.
2. Exercise
3. Get away from the problem, go to a
safe place.
4. Think of the choices you have. Think
of the consequences for each choice.
5. Speak your feelings, say “I feel
______”
6. Visualize a proud moment
7. Take a warm bath.
8. Hit something safe, like a pillow or
kick a cushion.
9. Robot/ragdoll: tighten your muscles
like a robot, then let them go limp like a ragdoll.
10. Visualize a STOP sign. The think of a
time I handled anger well, to remind myself I can do it.
11. Listen to soothing music
12. Cry, let it out, sob.
The Bible
says to be SLOW to anger, for the anger of man does not work the righteousness
of God. (Ja. 1:20.) People tend to respect those who have self-control, and are slow to anger. Think about it, don’t you?
Think of a person you know who shows self-discipline and does not get mad very
much. You can do this too. We are told that we’ve not been given a spirit of
fear, but of love, power, and self-control. (II Tim 1:7)
What does
fear have to do with it? Well, anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath are the
primary emotions of fear and hurt. I
show my clients a drawing of an iceberg, with anger at the top, and underneath
are fear and hurt. So, when you get mad, there is likely some of both fear and
hurt. You can ask yourself “What am I afraid of? How did I get hurt?” You may
not be able to answer these questions, but just asking them can make you more
self aware, and give you some control over your angry feelings.
Often our
own self talk contributes to our anger. Take a look at these 4 things:
1. Minimizing
2. Awfulizing
3. Demanding
4. Shaming and Blaming
Minimizing is telling ourselves that “I can’t”
or “I can’t stand.” We are telling ourselves that we are too weak to handle
whatever happens! We convince ourselves that it will overwhelm us, and like a
self-fulfilling prophecy, it does. Better self talk is “it would be hard, but I
probably can.” That affirms our capability, and causes our angry feelings to go
down substantially.
Awfulizing means telling ourselves “it’s a
disaster.” Or, “the worst will probably happen.” Again, we’re saying that we
can’t handle this horrible thing that is about to happen, and that feeds our
fear. As we learned above, fear is one of the primary emotions that drive
anger, so feeding it is not helpful. If our quest is to be less angry, we could
say to ourselves, “It’s annoying or disappointing” and see if our angry
feelings don’t subside.
Demanding is a big one. We think that other
people SHOULD do something, and if they don’t we get mad. For some reason we
tell ourselves that “they have to” do the thing or we have a right to be angry.
Such thinking fuels our angry feelings. Can we control others? Better to say “I
wish they would…” because this is realistic. It is much more healthy, and
better for the blood pressure too.
Shaming and blaming come way too easily to us. “It’s
their fault, and they are bad,” we rehearse to ourselves. Somehow we feel that
shaming and/or blaming the other people lets us off the hook. Maybe it really
is their fault. But does it help to be telling yourself that over and over
again? No, it makes us feel angrier! Better to say quietly “take
responsibility, who is perfect?” and let the angry feelings wash away.
Try these!
They really work.
