I
recently read a good blog post about shaming into forgiveness, which prompted
this one. My son asked me about it, and following is the answer I gave
him.
this one. My son asked me about it, and following is the answer I gave
him.
What
a good blog that was! I agree with it about 90%. Yes, Christians
are bad (unknowingly) about shaming people into forgiveness. It's one
reason why pastoral counseling often fails. The way I always explain
it is this:
1) There are two parts to your brain: the cognitive part and the
emotional part. The cognitive part can CHOOSE to let go of the hurt,
to not hurt the person back. But the emotional part has to process the
hurt first, maybe for a while, before they can forgive emotionally.
Sometimes, depending on the hurt (abuse, etc) it might take a year or
more.
I differ with your friend because she doesn't articulate the
difference between the cognitive part of the brain and the emotional
part of the brain, thus concluding the "we don't have to forgive if we
aren't ready". It's true, we don't HAVE to forgive, but the
consequences are dire. Not only do we cut ourselves off from God's
forgiveness, but there are ramifications in our body and soul. Who
wants to be a bitter soul?
are bad (unknowingly) about shaming people into forgiveness. It's one
reason why pastoral counseling often fails. The way I always explain
it is this:
1) There are two parts to your brain: the cognitive part and the
emotional part. The cognitive part can CHOOSE to let go of the hurt,
to not hurt the person back. But the emotional part has to process the
hurt first, maybe for a while, before they can forgive emotionally.
Sometimes, depending on the hurt (abuse, etc) it might take a year or
more.
I differ with your friend because she doesn't articulate the
difference between the cognitive part of the brain and the emotional
part of the brain, thus concluding the "we don't have to forgive if we
aren't ready". It's true, we don't HAVE to forgive, but the
consequences are dire. Not only do we cut ourselves off from God's
forgiveness, but there are ramifications in our body and soul. Who
wants to be a bitter soul?
2)
One distinction we need to make is to define what forgiveness is NOT.
It is NOT trusting the person again. Trust is earned; it is behavior
over time. Some people are not trustworthy, and we can never trust
them again. Also, it doesn't always mean reconciliation. A person can
forgive without being reconciled: by choosing to give up the right to
hurt the person back.
I've found that one of the reasons people don't forgive is that they
don't understand the definition of forgiveness; (they think it means
trusting again or reconciling). It is a GOAL to forgive emotionally,
and it might take a while.
3) What this means for parenting is this. DON'T pressure the little ones
to forgive while they are still hurting. It re-victimizes the victim!
Rather, tell the offender that she has to make restitution for it.
Three times over, or a big thing like offer something of hers for her
sister to play with. That way she can sit in her guilt for a while,
and then make amends so the victim will trust her. Mention forgiveness
later, maybe hours later, when there's not negative emotion simmering.
Otherwise you will shame them into forgiving prematurely.
So, the saying “forgive and forget” is not really a very good one. Our
minds are not made that way! Rather, we should say “forgive and let
them earn your trust back.” But that doesn’t slip off the tongue so easily; it lacks the alliteration! Does anyone have a good one to replace it?
It is NOT trusting the person again. Trust is earned; it is behavior
over time. Some people are not trustworthy, and we can never trust
them again. Also, it doesn't always mean reconciliation. A person can
forgive without being reconciled: by choosing to give up the right to
hurt the person back.
I've found that one of the reasons people don't forgive is that they
don't understand the definition of forgiveness; (they think it means
trusting again or reconciling). It is a GOAL to forgive emotionally,
and it might take a while.
3) What this means for parenting is this. DON'T pressure the little ones
to forgive while they are still hurting. It re-victimizes the victim!
Rather, tell the offender that she has to make restitution for it.
Three times over, or a big thing like offer something of hers for her
sister to play with. That way she can sit in her guilt for a while,
and then make amends so the victim will trust her. Mention forgiveness
later, maybe hours later, when there's not negative emotion simmering.
Otherwise you will shame them into forgiving prematurely.
So, the saying “forgive and forget” is not really a very good one. Our
minds are not made that way! Rather, we should say “forgive and let
them earn your trust back.” But that doesn’t slip off the tongue so easily; it lacks the alliteration! Does anyone have a good one to replace it?
Anyway, avoid shaming your kids, yourself, and others into forgiveness. Choose to give up your right to hurt them back, then allow your self (or them) time to process and heal. It works so much better!
Those are helpful thoughts. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIn point 2, do you really mean the one who was offended should offer restitution?
I would suggest to also find out what is going on with the offender. I'm not sure that sitting in guilt is the best idea.
That was a typo! The offender should offer restitution...
DeleteBy sitting in her guilt a while I meant until she (or he) feels remorse. That might happen in a matter of minutes or take longer. But shaming the offended one into premature forgiveness lets the offender off the hook too quick. (especially in parenting)