HOPE from Dickens

In spite of the rather presumptuous and pompous title, The Man Who Invented Christmas is a great movie. In fact, it’s marvelous! Taking place in Dickens’ own lifetime, it shows the struggle he went through in writing A Christmas Carol, inner turmoil that all writers go through. But it is more than that. Inside all of us lives a Scrooge, and the sooner we come to grips with that, the better. Dickens realized it, after wrestling with the story for weeks.  

If you remember the story, Tiny Tim says in the end “God bless us every one.” Well, at first Dickens was going to have him die, and have Scrooge NOT change at all. How different the story would have been! I doubt if it ever would have seen the light of day, had he written it as he originally intended to. The over-arching message of the story is that people CAN change, and that truly gives Hope.

At the end of the movie, we see this: “A Christmas Carol came out on Dec. 19, 1843, and it was all sold out by Christmas Eve. Charitable giving soared…” Now I know that Dickens wasn’t the only person who influenced the culture at that time. William Wilberforce had died just 10 years prior to that, and he was a tremendous influence on the culture as a whole. Making it a good thing to be unselfish, generous, and kind, especially to those who were less fortunate.

But it seems we need to be reminded every decade or so. Live to give. Don’t yield to the Scrooge within. We watched The Christmas Shoes just one night before. If you aren’t familiar with that movie, it is a good story about the softening of a father’s heart for his family. It’s a real tear-jerker, but worth watching. I found myself softening, towards my husband, towards my grandchildren, slowing down to be thankful for little things.

How many times in counseling do I say to my clients that they need to be thankful in order to be happy? But I need to be reminded of it myself. I could relate to Dickens’ wife, because I’m married to a writer too. And like she said, it’s not always easy. (Jerry would admit to that!) But overall, I do have a lot to be thankful for, not the least of which is that Jerry is not as emotional and eccentric as Dickens!

This Christmas, let me leave you with one thought: Be generous and humble. Be Jesus to people. He came to earth so that you can do this, by His grace.

The Gift of Self Denial: Do We Give It to Ourselves?

 

I recently read an article called “The Gift of Self-Denial” in a magazine, and got to thinking that it’s sadly lacking in most of our thinking. Especially this time of year! How many of us spend any time at all reflecting on the command of Jesus: “Deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me?” (Luke 9:23)

So much of our focus is on ourselves, and what to give others for Christmas. What to give Dad, who has everything? What does little Joey want? Will Sally be pleased with my present? That’s not wrong (I do it myself), but what about the gift of self-control?

I’m going to take some paragraphs from the well written article in Focus on the Family Magazine*.  Get ready…

“It’s not a bad thing to let our kids go without something they want. …I tell my boys that practicing self-restraint is like exercising a muscle. The more we assay no to some desire, the easier it is to say no to something that is appealing but harmful when it really matters. Occasionally, one of them would get over attached to a toy or video game.  It seemed he had to have that object or game to be OK.

But I knew he would be OK without it, and I set about to prove it to him. “I think it’s time to fast form this game for a while,” I’d say.

Gasping, my son would say “No! I love it! Please, mom!”

“Honey, you are stronger than you think,” I’d say. “You think you can’t live without this game. I know you can. Nothing on earth should have this kind of power over you.

                       

                                                            ***

 Self-reflection time. When's the last time that you told yourself "NO?" Are YOU dependent on things for happiness?

 Now, when you look at the trends today: increased suicide rates among young people, sky-rocketing depression and anxiety rates, fewer kids than ever graduating from college, fewer people starting their own businesses, a drastic drop on achievement for Americans in the academic arena…Why? Could it be lack of self-control? Research, sadly, says yes. ** It’s very sobering.

So we need to go against the trend. To teach self-restraint is our job. To practice it ourselves.

                                                            ***

Back to the story:

“It was difficult watching each son go through times of withdrawal. But they eventually found something else to do. It’s an amazing phenomenon: Once you get past the pain of self-denial, there’s actually relief on the other side.

My boys discovered that they didn’t need a toy to be OK. And when they finally did get their toy back, something beautiful happen: They were grateful. Once my boys realized they could live without something, they rarely returned to their unhealthy affection for it.”

                                                            ***

We all can learn something from this, whether or not we’re a parent. Practice self-restraint! It’s idolatry to be dependent on things, and John says at the end of one of his letters: “Little children, keep yourselves  from idols.” (I John 5:21)

So this Christmas, let’s give ourselves the gift of self-denial. Now, lest you think I’m a Scrooge or a Grinch, let me hasten to add that my family celebrates Christmas with gusto.

But, tempered with the underlying need for self-control.

To quietly deny oneself is truly good for the soul.

*Focus on the Family Magazine, Dec.2017-Jan 2018 by Susie Larson
** The Collapse of Parenting by Dr. Leonard Sax
 

A Different Twist on Thanksgiving

Questions to Put the THANKS Back in Thanksgiving

Today I'm re-posting some thoughts from Connected Families. They're really good, even if you only use some of them.

“So, kids, what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?” you ask.

“My family, my house, my friends, my dog and Jesus.” (Same answers as last year….)

If you think your kids might be open to some deeper thinking this year, we’ve provided a handful of conversation starters about gratitude. We invite you try any or all of them and put a little bigger dose of gratitude in your Thanksgiving season:

God

• 1 Chronicles 16:34 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.
• What is something specific about God or a verse from the Bible that you are thankful for?

Creation

• Romans 1:20 For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities…
• What is your favorite part of God’s creation and what does it tell you about God?

Possessions

• 1 Timothy 6:17 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.
• Nearly 1/2 of the people in the world today live on less than $2.50 a day. $2.50 a day per person is barely enough for a one or two room house and simple food like rice and beans. Many of those people don’t have a home or enough to eat.
• We are blessed with many things. What food or object around the house is very special or meaningful for you that you are thankful for? Why is it special, or how does it bless you?
• James 1:7 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
• Is there something in our home that might seem like a “good gift” but could actually be harmful to us? (i.e. excessive luxuries, things that make us arrogant toward others, things we get really distracted by, etc.)

Our Bodies

• Psalm 139:13,14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful...
• What is something about the way your body works, or a physical ability you have, that you are thankful for? Has God used that ability to bless others?

Our Family

• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Encourage and build up one another...
• What is something about our family that you really love and are thankful for?

Challenges

• Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.
• What have you experienced recently (or this year) that was challenging or difficult that really helped you to grow? How would you complete this sentence: I’m glad I went through ___________ because ____________________.

Blessing Others

• Ephesians 2:10
• What is one way you bless others that you are thankful for? (i.e. I’m a good listener, I share toys well, I’m not afraid to talk to new people, etc). Parents can help kids identify these relational gifts with questions: “I noticed you _____________. What gift do you think you were using then? How were you blessed when you blessed that person? That’s something to be thankful for!!”

Teaching gratitude in a day when kids expect a fast, fun, and easy life can be a considerable challenge. So be intentional. Keep the conversation alive throughout the holiday season and beyond. Research shows your kids will be happier. And they’ll thank you for it!

info@connectedfamilies.org 

Play: The key to mental heath!

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good," says Dr. Seuss. Are we fun-deprived? More importantly are our kids?

I recently heard a TED talk by Peter Gray, a researcher on play. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg-GEzM7iTk&nohtml5=False   He took time to explain how play is important to mammals, and serves to prepare one for the world by teaching all kinds of skills, such as solving their own problems, empathy, creatively thinking for themselves, and getting along with others.

Then he said something so profound, that I have to write a blog on it! He said, “ Self-directed play gives it its educative power.” 

Wow! SELF-DIRECTED play! That means not sports, where kids are directed by adults what to do. Not games organized by adults. Not anything that adults are involved in. SELF-DIRECTED play.  I can see how it teaches kids skills.

But what has happened to play in the last 6 decides? He argues that is has declined. The amount of time allotted for play has been eaten away. The number one culprit? SCHOOL! Schools in the 50’s allowed ½ hour for recess in the morning and the afternoon. And 1 hour for lunch. And homework for elementary kids was unheard of!

“Today,” he states “The world is less friendly for children.” Now, lest you think he advocates turning the clock back, he concedes that there are many things we have improved on since the 50’s. BUT meeting our children’s needs is NOT one of them!

 “Kids are more depressed than people were in the Great Depressions, more anxious than they were during the Cold War…” he states. It’s no secret that mental illness has risen exponentially among young people. Just look at the suicide rate! 

There’s a direct correlation between a decline in play and a rise in depression and anxiety in kids. If, as the researchers claim, play teaches kids what I mentioned above (solving their own problems, empathy, creatively thinking for themselves, and getting along with others), it stands to reason that children would be more depressed and anxious. For without such skills, they easily develop a victim mentality.

Psychologists call this an “external locus of control.” They believe that “things happen to me,” I have no control. That’s as opposed to an “internal locus of control,” where you make things happen. It’s like two different ways of looking at life. I can either “make it a good day,” by choosing to make the best of what ever comes my way. Or I can lament that “I’m having a bad day,” through no fault of my own, and don’t you feel sorry for me?

So, how can you allow for more play, self-directed, for your kids? For one thing, don’t over-schedule them. They need free time to interact with other kids more than they need to be on another soccer team.
Another way is to plan play dates with their friends. Then stay out of their activities! Encourage them to be bored sometimes! This is hard for us, who want to entertain them every second.

Limit their time on screens, make them earn it.

Here is some added insights on boys that I want to publicize in this blog. It’s from a post by a mental health researcher named Charlie Hoehn, who wrote his thoughts down right after the Vegas shooting..           https://byrslf.co/thoughts-on-the-vegas-shooting-14af397cee2c

Men in the United States are deprived of play opportunities.

Homo sapiens play more than any other species. It’s impossible to prevent a human from playing. We play shortly after we are born, and the healthiest (and least stressed) humans tend to play for their entire lives.

Play may be God’s greatest gift to mankind. It’s how we form friendships, and learn skills, and master difficult things that help us survive. Play is a release valve for stress, and an outlet for creativity. Play brings us music, comedy, dance, and everything we value.

Above all, play is how we bond with each other — it’s how we communicate “I am safe to be around, I am not a threat.” Play is how we form connections with other humans.

The irony is that loneliness would not be a problem if we all got ample time to play. Not only would we have deeper friendships, we’d also have better relationships with ourselves. Play allows us to enjoy our own company.

There is a strong correlation with play deprivation and mental illness.

When you deprive mammals of play, it leads to chronic depression. When you deprive a human child of play, their mental and emotional health deteriorate. Play suppression has enormous health consequences.

“But the Vegas shooter loved to gamble! He went on cruises!”

That’s not the type of play I’m talking about.

To better understand this dynamic, we need to look at the background of another mass shooter.

In 1966, Charles Whitman shot his wife and mother. Then, he climbed up the tower at the University of Texas in Austin, and shot 46 people. In total, he murdered 16 people. At the time, this was the biggest mass shooting of its kind in United States history.

Dr. Stuart Brown and his team of researchers were commissioned to find out what “The Texas Sniper” had in common with other mass murderers.

They gained a key insight when they examined their childhoods.

Brown recalls:

“None of them engaged in healthy rough-and-tumble play. The linkages that lead to Charles Whitman producing this crime was an unbelievable suppression of play behavior throughout his life by a very overbearing, very disturbed father.

Healthy and joyful play must be had in order to thrive. Boys need to wrestle with their dads, and they need to roughhouse with other boys. Parents and teachers need to play with their kids.

But more importantly, they need to encourage those kids to go out and play. And then, let them be.

“It’s 10 o’clock. Do you know where your kids are?”

Ever since that famous ad aired, parents have shamed each other into watching their kids like a hawk.

If you let your kid walk up the street alone, you’ll either get a call from another parent, or the cops will pick them up. Our kids are stripped of their right to experience life on their own terms.

In an effort to improve our kids’ test scores and beef up their future resumes, we’ve stripped away nearly all of their free play opportunities. Recess has been sacrificed in the name of Scantrons, and pills are prescribed to the kids whose bodies and minds cry out for play.

The result: A generation of the most anxious, depressed, and suicidal American children on record.

This is in alignment with Dr. Peter Gray’s research, who studied the epidemic of mental illness and the decline in play:

“Over the past half century, in the United States and other developed nations, children’s free play with other children has declined sharply. Over the same period, anxiety, depression, suicide, feelings of helplessness, and narcissism have increased sharply in children, adolescents, and young adults… The decline in play has contributed to the rise in the psychopathology of young people.

This is why I believe mental illness may be the biggest health crisis of our lifetimes. Because those kids will grow up into isolated adults who don’t know how to play, or seek out their friends when they are lonely. They have no emotional support.

They are alone.

*****

If you’ve read this far, you know my passion is to prepare the next generation for leadership. I weep and shudder at the deficits that the past 50 years have brought to kids. But we can turn it around.

With God’s help we can bring healing and health to those we love. Let's let the kids mature as God intended.  Let's revive good old-fashioned play.

Fasting: Little Used, Incredibly Powerful

It’s the best kept secret of the American church. Perhaps the church world-wide, but I think it’s less well known in the west. After all, we are affluent, and we can’t help that.

But I’d like to extol the benefits of fasting in this blog. I don’t want to say too much about my own experience with fasting, because Jesus said we’re not supposed to brag about it (Matt. 6:16-18). But I’ve had “extensive experience” (is that boasting?) with it in the 45 years I’ve walked with Christ.

Allow me to tell you what fasting does for a person.

Fasting humbles the soul. (Ps. 35:13) There’s no doubt about it! Whether it’s calming fights with your spouse, or just enabling you to stay out of strife in general, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been spared the hardship that comes from verbal altercations. After all, James 4: 1-6 points out that our fights come from our pride. I attribute our happy marriage in part to the fasting that has helped me keep my mouth shut often!

1)   We are rich. But we’re to be poor in spirit. (Matt. 5:3). We have no concept of the poverty that much of the rest of the world has to live with. But, we can identify with them and with Christ’s sacrifice, if we fast from food for a time.

2)   It makes us grateful! Anyone can see that abstaining from something will bring thankfulness when we have it again. I’ve found this to be true with food, rather than living nearly full most of the time. I really enjoy food more!

3)   It allows us to hear from God more clearly. Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) One thing that got me fasting from the beginning was a teaching that I heard on just this topic. When we are satiated, say at Christmas, it is hard to hear the Lord clearly. We become kind of dull of hearing, and God’s word seems distant. When we fast, however, we can perceive His word to us clearly and immediately. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: ‘Here am I.”’ (Is. 58:9)

4)   It brings us out of our self-centeredness. All humans are self-focused, some due to their upbringing are more so than others. But all are! When we practice fasting, not like the Pharisees who did their fasting to be noticed by people, (Matt. 6:16-18) but really humbling ourselves, we get set free from that self-focus. This goes with my first point about avoiding fights, but it also can bring us creative ideas about things to do for others too.

5) People fast for health reasons. It brings the appetite under control, and there are a host of other secular reasons to fast. How about us, can we not benefit spiritually and physically? Now I used to think that fasting had to be 40 days to count, or at least a week. But, one day a week can do wonders for you. After all, the Bible says to rest 1 in 7 days, (Ex. 20:8), so why not rest your digestive system as well? I’m convinced that many health ailments that afflict Americans could be brought under control of we would fast.

Isaiah 58:6-12 is a beautiful passage that is filled with promises about people who fast God’s way. Some of them are:  loosing the chains of injustice, opportunities to share with the poor and lost, healing, answered prayer, absence of confusion, touching your family, and guidance from God. We’ll be like a “well-watered garden,” we won’t burn out, we’ll flourish, and be called “Repairer of the Broken-Down Walls.” I don’t know about you, but I want and need those things! Doubtless there’s more embedded in that passage, I am just giving you a tiny taste.

But watch out! The enemy is very sly. You will (I repeat you will) fall into the pharisaical attitude of self-righteousness. Again and again. “If I give my body to be burned, but have not love…” (I Cor.13: 3) So we repent over and over, and recognize that we are fallen, broken people who need a savior.

Some people say “Well, what about fasting from TV, or video games, or desserts, or some such thing?” All I can say about these things is great, go ahead and abstain from them. But don’t think that that will have the same effect as abstaining from food. There’s something about denying yourself this very basic need that speaks to our flesh in an irrefutable way. 

“Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the body and the body is for food, but God will destroy them both.” (I Cor. 6:12,13)

Telling your body that it is not in control is a heady experience. We understand that the flesh wars against the spirit (Romans 6 & 7). The one you feed the most will win! Starve the flesh by fasting and praying, seeking God for a time. But again, beware! Col.2:16-23 warns us that there is not spiritual value in fasting for its own sake.

Some practical points:

* Store up some verses to be ready when you feel hungry, or get discouraged. Such as “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.” (Matt. 5:6); “I humbled my soul with fasting.” (Ps. 35:13); “This kind only goes out through prayer and fasting.” (Mk. 9:29, Matt, 17:21) Repeat them to yourself throughout the day. This will make your fast more meaningful, and combat the “crabbies” that you might otherwise find creep up on you.       

* Don’t expect to lose weight if you fast; when you are done fasting, you will eat more. But it can help you maintain your present weight, not gain.

* Eat a light supper the day you fast, if you are just fasting for a day. No meat, (or chocolate I say, usually I obey this guideline!), just to get something in your stomach before you go to sleep.

* You’ll find that you forget things when you fast. But God is faithful, and usually it is just little things that cause us minor inconvenience.

* You can still exercise. Only in 21^st century America do we believe that we might die if we have to go a few hours without food! I’ve fasted 3 days and run 2 ½ miles effortlessly. Repeat this to yourself “ I WILL NOT DIE!” Sometimes you can even exercise more easily without the burden of having to digest all that food; yes, you actually have MORE energy!

* You might get headaches and/or slight nausea. I usually tough it out, and they go away. Or take a little pain killer. If you are on a medication that needs to be taken with food, then for gosh sakes, eat something. Recently I’ve taken to drinking one caffeinated drink so I don’t get a headache when I fast.

* There are still benefits when you fail. Even a little fast if you are seeking the Lord, can help. Don’t beat yourself up when you fail! (Notice I said when, not if)

* If you struggle with anorexia or bulimia, DON’T fast! Get help for these things first.

 

Jesus assumed that all his followers would fast, he said “WHEN you fast…” (Matt 6:16-18), and it is practiced throughout Acts. Throughout church history, many saints and people fasted. In modern times people such as Jim Elliot and Bill Bright fasted regularly. It truly makes a difference in one’s personal walk with God. 

In fact, I am of the opinion that if everyone who loved God fasted regularly, it would wake up the lukewarm Western church.  What a powerful thing it is!

Words: Weapons or Wonders?

Is it possible that bitter chemicals come out of our mouths when we say negative words? I heard a story recently of plants that died when negative words were spoken to them. There were two sets if plants: both with equal amounts of light, water, nutrition, and soil. But the difference was that one had a person speaking negatively: shouting insults, negative words daily at it. The other one had a person speaking kindly to it. Amazingly enough, the one with the positive words thrived, while the other one shriveled up and died!

Now, as a psychologist I know that bitter, mean words change the brain chemicals. And so can positive ones. (Whether they have an effect on plants or not, I’d have to try the experiment myself.)

But what if they do? Or, what if they ONLY affect brain chemicals? So, your brain will be healthier if you speak positively to yourself and others? DUH!

Read the following with this in mind…

Who has the power to “set the thermostat” of the environment in our homes and places of work? WE do! Do we want the atmosphere to be bitter and negative, or healthy, hope-filled? Parents, our children marinate in the atmosphere of our homes. They are looking to us to see how we cope with the challenges of life! Following are some tips on maintaining a positive and confidence-building atmosphere:

1) Listen to yourself. How many times do you hear yourself doing one of the big 3 C’s:

complaining, criticizing, or being cynical? Count how many times you say the word “frustrated”, “annoyed,” or other such words. What comes out of our mouth is indicative of what is in out hearts, so some time for reflection is in order if we are speaking too much negativity. Ration for yourself how many times you will allow yourself to express negativity per day.  Cynicism imparts the attitude that we are powerless, research suggests that we CAN actively work to change that. Learned helplessness does not benefit anyone.

2) Develop a supply of positive phrases that you can say to help you cope with life’s challenges.

 Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“Well, the good things about ____ far out weigh the bad.”

“It could be worse. We could live in ____ were there is no food, medical care, infrastructure, etc.”

“If this is the worst thing that happens all day (or all week) that is not TOO bad!”

3) Combat anxiety by speaking truth to yourself.

“What’s the worst case scenario?” “What would I do in that case?”

“Is anyone going to die?” (if we run out milk today, etc.)

“What is the likelihood of that happening?”

4) List all the positive things that happened today (or this morning, or about this event, in this situation, etc.). Work hard at counting/listing your blessings and giving thanks. This skill is very simple and many have heard it for years. Interestingly enough, it is gaining prestige as one of the “newest” discoveries in the field of psychology!

Thankfulness is a very valuable weapon in our quest to defeat anxiety, depression, and “entitlementitis.” But it needs to be intentional, and it is taught best by example. Rather than preaching at someone “you should be more thankful,” list things YOU are grateful for, and then ask them to follow your example.

5) Quiet yourself. Take a few minutes to meditate on something of beauty and wonder, it will change your perspective. A quiet heart can receive from God. In our noisy culture we forget the power of stillness. Some call it the “gentle whisper” or “still small voice.” Peace and a hopeful attitude simply will not happen if we are constantly allowing ourselves to be bombarded with external stimuli, including screens! Addiction to screens creates a climate for anxiety to skyrocket.

Whether we are raising children, or working in another setting, perhaps with no children around, we will have a higher quality of life if we learn to be more positive.  Far from being a “Pollyanna,” we will have a quiet confidence that draws others to us, and commands their respect. 

Does the world need such qualities?

Entitlement-itis! It's Getting Your Kids!

Yesterday someone asked me why anxiety has passed up depression as the number one mental health issue in the country. I said because of the pace of life being so hectic. Then I ran into an article by Tracy Gillett. https://afineparent.com/author/tracy-gillett  

She writes that parents’ fears, ambitions, drives, AND the fast pace of life cause our children to scramble for safety in their minds. They aren’t given time to set boundaries on the excess that they’re confronted with daily. They have to grow up sooner than they should. The result is that they are showing the same signs as children in a war zone. PTSD symptoms: being jumpy, nervous, hyper-vigilant, wary of new things.

I’ve seen it in my practice, it’s getting worse. Anxiety. How can we beat it?

First let’s identify the problem.

Five Pillars of Excess Are:

1.      Too much stuff

2.      Too many choices

3.      Too many activities

4.      Too much information

5.      Too much speed

Children need to play and explore, in unstructured time. The lack of down time is hurting them! They are over-committed in everything from gymnastics, piano lessons, sports, to carefully structured play dates. Their “down time” is filled with movies, video games, and social media. That leaves no time for BOREDOM. With boredom comes creativity! Even 2 hours of unstructured lay a week boosts creativity.

Here are some ways you can simplify your children’s life:

1.      Remove excess toys after they are asleep. Limit the number of new toys they get, give their old ones to children who need them. Or at least put them out of sight in a closet.

2.      Don’t give them so many choices as to food they eat, treats they get, what they’re going to do with their free time. Tighten up.

3.      Say NO to over-commitment. Limit the number of sports, birthday parties, and extra-curricular classes your child takes.

4.      Don’t talk about adult problems like global warming at the table with a 7 year old. Watch the news after they are asleep. (I’m amazed at the number of 5-6 year olds that are scared of a terrorist attack)

5.      Create down time that is calm, a solace for them. Limit yourself as to the activities you rush to. Create margin in your lives, which greatly cuts down on the hurrying.

If you can do even some of these things, you will be doing your children a favor.

Read what Sarah Ann has to say: (http://foreverymom.com/family-parenting/the-rampant-epidemic-thats-bringing-down-our-kids-entitlementsarah-ann/

  “Children are often raised entitled; believing that they are owed “something and everything” from the world around them.

They believe they’re entitled to the finer things in life: technology, vacations, clothes, eating out, and constant entertainment.

Working hard for something is a foreign concept, and many suffer from a poisonous attitude against work.

Ironically, children expect good grades, to be the best at their sport, and to be the center of attention, even if they don’t deserve it.

In an age of selfies and status updates, children tend to be narcissists, believing that life revolves around them.

The source

The root of the problem seems to be two-fold, a progression of society away from biblical principles and parents who condone such behavior.

Society encourages children to want more and to expect that the finer things in life are coming to them, regardless of the cost.  Mom and Dad should provide luxury items, and sacrifice regardless of the expense so children can have the latest technology and material possessions.

Parents fuel the fire by not putting boundaries, not saying no, or not having children work towards earning things, such a cell phone.

Also, many parents encourage the mind-set that life revolves around the children, and are not teaching the life lesson about serving others.

Children also see parents going to bat for them against teachers, coaches, and authority figures, thus demeaning the role in the child’s life, and fostering an attitude of disrespect.

If a child isn’t held accountable by mom and dad for actions and responsibilities, there will be no respect for those in authority.

Is there a solution?

I wish I could say I had the answer to this all figured out and families would desire change.

But I do believe with boundaries placed within the home, there can be change within a family, which sparks change in a community, and is contagious.

Parents can…

– Say no to children at an early age

– Teach children God’s Word and how to walk according to His promises

– Don’t be afraid to have the family make changes and go against the norms of society

– Surround your family with friends who do the same

– Encourage children to be others focused, not selfish

– Make children earn material goods, and limit possessions as teachable moments about life

– Show respect, as parents, to all authority figures, even when you disagree, and encourage your child to do the same”

Well, that’s what my workshop on the 19^th of August will be about!

Many ways that parents CAN teach their children to be thankful, even today. Sign up today! Contact me. Even if you can just come to half of it, it’ll be worth your time! I promise…

Who Me? Entitled?

I’m about all burned out on Entitlement. Reading four books about entitlement in the past three weeks has maxxed me out! I need to take a break from it.

You see, I’m preparing for a parenting workshop August 19^th called “Entitlement: Beat It!” In getting ready for this workshop I’ve read The Entitlement Cure by Townsend, re-read Raising Grateful Kids in an Age of Entitlement by Welch and The Collapse of Parenting by Sax. The other night I started The Narcissism Epidemic by Twenge & Campbell. Today, well, my brain reached overload.

So I decided to write a blog about Entitlement, hmnmmm, was that smart?! Let me share a little of what I’m learning. Now, I’ve been watching the entitlement movement grow for two decades. I taught my classes back at Bethany the word “Entitlementitis” before it was popular to talk about it.

Did you know that there are four legs that Entitlement rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true. (The Narcissism Epidemic)

My workshop will address the first one, but we have all four to overcome if we want to turn responsible.

First of all we need to see where we are entitled ourselves. Townsend says we all have “Pocket Entitlement” that rears its ugly head from time to time. So, how do we get rid of that? He stresses that we can’t do it alone! We need to fix out “inner structure” so that it’s disciplined, being ruthless with our instant gratification mentality.

He lists five obstacles to making progress:

Isolation – Don’t get into a grandiose sense of self sufficiency.

Life problems - Don’t wait for life to get easy!

Extremism – Don’t be a sprinter, impatient for it all to be fixed, rather get rid of an all or nothing attitude.

Self-judgment – A harsh inner judge can derail the process. Grace for your failures neutralizes self-judgment so we can fight another day. 

Triggers- Figure out which triggers you’re vulnerable to and prepare for them. A few examples are boredom, not seeing results fast enough, a temporary relapse, friends who want you to drop your structure and go play with them. (The Entitlement Cure, p. 119ff)

Next we need to see the problems caused by false or inflated self-esteem. (Yes, we all have it, though it’s easiest to see in other people!) Probably the biggest problem which I’ve found all four of my books agree with is: the entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing. If he does fail, it cripples one’s ability to fail well, and hampers their capacity to learn and grow from failure.

Here are a few skills to help you develop the self-image that will take you through hard times:

1.     Create a self-image table with four columns: True Positives, True Negatives, False Positives, and False Negatives. List five aspects of how you see yourself (or have seen yourself) in each. For example, in True Positives I would write “Gentle with others.” In True Negatives I would put “Get distracted when things get difficult.” In False Positives I would list “Think I am better than others sometimes.” In False Negatives, “Get hopeless when I fail at something.”

2.     Meditate on Psalm 139 and Romans 3. These are two passages that define self-image accurately. One says how we are a wonderful creation, and the other tells us that we have a tendency to go our own way and forget who God is. Both are necessary.

3.     Ask three safe people in your life to look at your list from #1. Ask them if they will “not rescue me from the negatives, but rather will stick by me in my course of self-improvement.” (Townsend p. 135)

So, if we can get this far, how great! Our children, friends, siblings, colleagues will all benefit.

 Oh, and if you live in the Twin Cities and are a parent or a grandparent, come to the workshop. I have boatloads of parenting material to give you. Respond to my email to register.

But for now, I need to focus on something else. Like reading Pu der Bar auf Deutsch. That always gets my mind off of whatever is weighing me down...

What Do Kids Need Most?

It is said that a parent spells LOVE to a child with these four letters: TIME.  Yet, in our hectic, rushed lifestyle, how do we manage to carve out time for our families? In his excellent book Connecting with Our Kids, Dr. Tim Smith makes a strong case for spending “down time” with each other to nurture those vital relationships. After all, at the end of their lives, who ever says that they wish they had spent more time at the office or on the road?

 Equally as problematic however, is the tendency to over schedule our children. They are involved in everything: dance lessons, strength training, SAT test coaching, youth group, sports, music lessons, etc., all good things. But there is left little time for creative play, or with teens for simply discussing ideas.

Do you know the single common factor that all families with honor students have? It is not higher education of the parents or socio-economic status, rather it is family dinners together! This is also clear in the study of healthy families that turn out kids most likely to avoid the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and immorality. 

Why does the simple fact of eating together have such a drastic effect on children and youth? It has to do with the conversation at the table. Children’s brains are developing and they need opportunities to converse with parent, to be heard and to express themselves. At the table all are equal, and there is a certain intimacy that comes from eating together. Teenagers especially need to be able to try out their newly developing deeper thinking and logic skills (that’s why they argue so much!). Wise parents dialogue with them, gently and respectfully, firmly guiding them into truth.

There also is the problem of praising them too much. Here are 7 problems from over-zealous parents. It leads to entitlement, and often is our effort to assuage our own guilt at not spending enough time with them.

1.      Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.      Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 "So you too, when you have done everything you were told to do should say, 'We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.'"

3.      Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket. It turns into either "I don't believe you," or narcissism.

4.      Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment.” Instead say, “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”  Prov. 15:32 "He who ignores discipline despises himself."

5.      Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, and leads to disappointment.

6.      A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.      Praise the character in a person rather than the achievement all the time. This points out that the person has made a choice to do right, regardless of their talent or lack thereof.

We can learn some practical tips from those who have successfully raised their children. One of those is my pastor, Rob Ketterling, who makes the following suggestions.

1)      Each quarter give them something to look forward to. Otherwise “sometime” never comes. Example: Going to grandma’s, going to a game… you can do that once a quarter!

2) When they are 10, they get to choose a place to go on vacation. When they are 13, have a little ceremony where you have two adults speak into their lives. They should know them, and share some godly encouragement with them and also a warning.

3) If you spank, never do so such that it leaves a mark. It should never be out of control, both parents should be there to quell the other ones anger. Better to wait than to spank then in anger. And give them LOTS of love and affection when it's over, and they show brokenness.

4) Express affection to your spouse in front of them; this is very important.

5) They should go on a missions trip when teenagers. Go on a family one.

6) Too much of anything is not good. Too much discipline without nurture is like putting weed killer all over your lawn! How can it grow up when there is too much correction on it? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you neglect the kids by letting them do whatever they want. But most Christian parents err on the side of constantly correcting their child.  “Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Be careful…!” Are there 5 times as many good positive things as negative that your child hears?

7) Is your faith just a part of your life, on the fringe? Or is it vital, woven into every aspect of the kid’s life? Get as excited about when the child reads God’s word on his own; loves to tithe on his own; prays for missions on his own…as his earning power, his grades, her goal in soccer.

Our society is not family friendly. The skills needed to succeed at business are antithetical to those needed to develop strong family relationships. Let’s spend TIME with our children, building them up, nurturing their hearts. Let’s swim against the tide.