Resolving conflict with mutual respect

I can’t think of too many things more essential than to teach and practice respectful conflict resolution skills in our families.

Often family members come to me as a professional counselor for reconciliation: parents and adult children, spouses working on their relationship, and teens with their parents are the most common. In every situation I find a single element missing: mutual respect. All parties are discouraged, angry, and pointing the finger of blame at the others. How can we avoid this, or if it applies to us, engage in communication that is effective so we can find reconciliation?

Here are some guidelines that can help people better resolve conflict:

1.     Speak with respect and calmness, rather than preaching, teaching, or angrily trying to change the other person’s beliefs through argument. Here is an example of a harsh start up: (Sarcastically) “Thanks a lot for planning a golf date on Jonny’s birthday! You should think of the rest of the family before you make your plans!”  Here is an example of more respectful or softer start up. “Honey, did you forget it is Jonny’s birthday in 2 weeks when you made that golf date? I really do need help with his party, and feel hurt by this. How can we solve this thing together?

2.     Speak directly and honestly, rather than hinting or assuming.  Ask to check out your conclusions   rather than assuming. In the second example, the speaker is not assuming bad motives on the dad’s part.

3.      Be cordial, respectful, even if you disagree, rather than insulting or accusing the other one.  The fist example above might continue: ”I can’t believe how selfish you are!, only thinking of your own pleasure rather than the family, or even your own son! You are such a dead-beat dad.”  A much better way would be:  “I am guessing you really do want to be here for his party, right? Would it work to re-schedule your golf game for another day? Do you have any other ideas? I really think it is very important!”

4.     Avoid name-calling, emotional outbursts with profanity, and the use of always and never.  “You always ignore your son’s needs!”

5.     Keep emotional distance, which means choose not to get drawn into reacting emotionally.  Soothe yourself with self-calming techniques like deep breathing or taking a time out.  “I am feeling so frustrated right now, I need about 20 minutes to cool down. Can we talk again in 20 minutes?”

6.     Be ready to admit your part in the conflict, ask forgiveness.  John Gottman calls these “repair attempts”, and observes that in healthy relationships, both parties stay on the alert to make and accept them.  Here are some examples: “Well, maybe I was over-reacting. I need to calm down. Your point of view does make sense, can we compromise?”

Avoiding the underlined terms above will only work if we are able to manage our anger, however. How many times have we experienced what Daniel Siegel calls “emotional hi-jacking,” where we have the best of intentions, but then someone pushes our hot button? We react, and set the process back by saying things we later regret.  Sadly, the rational mind seems to shut down when the emotions are activated. So, self-soothing skills are vital if we are to conduct family (or any relational) communication. John Gottman in his landmark books urges couples to “sooth yourself and each other” as part of the problem solving process. His book on raising emotionally intelligent children is equally as powerful.

Underneath emotional hijacking is a mistaken belief. People believe with all their hearts that they are RIGHT. “Because I am right,” the thinking goes, “I need to make my point, and if the other one will listen to me and see it my way, then we can go on.” Does this sound familiar? I often say to both parties “You are both right!”  The question that we need to ask ourselves is “Do I want to be right or to be effective?" Do I want the relationship, or to be right?” Often the solution is found not in who is right and who is wrong but in how we can function together.

Choose a few of the above pointers, think about them, and apply them to yourself personally. After all, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself.

What does encouragement mean?

“The ability to encourage others seems to be the most important single quality in getting along with others.” So said Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, disciple of Alfred Adler and author of Children the Challenge.

What did Dreikurs and Adler mean by “encourage?”

Many people think of encouragement as complimenting or “cheerleading.” While these are valuable components, there is much more to encouragement than simply saying nice things to people. An expanded definition of encouragement is needed, one that conveys respect for the people we are relating to.

How can we communicate respect, and thus increase the confidence of the people we care about?

The answer is “respectful communication”.

So, how can we have respectful communication?

One way to do this is to ask them questions and engage with them. Questions that start with “what” or “how,” allow people to express themselves. Of course if we ask those kinds of questions, we need to be ready to really listen to their answer. For example the authors of Love and Logic  parenting books suggest asking your teenager “That’s interesting, how do you think that can be solved?” If we ask people “yes or no” questions, that is not very engaging, and it doesn't require us to listen to them either. The ability to encourage others displays an authentic interest in who the person is and that comes from listening.

When we ask questions that start with “why”, we run the risk of shaming them. “Why did you do that?” If we think about it, usually the only real answer they can give is “because I am bad.” Is that really our motive for asking them “why”? A gentler phrase could be “Help me understand your reason for…” Respectful curiosity is a useful concept that can guide us in our quest to build others up.

Another way to hone our skills of encouragement is to ask someone’s opinion. However, once they start expressing their opinion, we need to be diligent to avoid belittling, ridiculing, or pointing out the errors in their thoughts. How often we do this when we are so certain we are right and they are not, and it is our job to set them straight! A truly encouraging stance is one where we give up our sense of self-importance that insists that we are always right.

An overbearing manner is very discouraging to the people we are talking to. More than 80-90% of communication is body language and tone. The body language of an overbearing person gives this message: “I am right, you are wrong, you need to listen to me and do what I want you to do; my thoughts, opinions, and wishes are more important than yours.”  If the overbearing person happens to be connecting with a pleaser or passive person, then it is likely the pleaser will give in to the more forceful one. Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

A common but erroneous use of the term encourage is, “I’d encourage you to change that.”  That is at best a request or a strong suggestion, and at worst a thinly disguised manipulative or controlling statement. Yet, we can easily slip in to such kind of talk if we are not careful.

Respectful communication is very encouraging. It requires that we put aside our own strong wills and listen, considering the other’s feelings, dignity, and worth. “Coeur” from which we get the word courage, is Latin for heart. Let’s “take heart” and literally impart courage to those we relate to, whether by empathetic listening, kind and gentle words, or genuine cheerleading. The world will certainly be a better place for our efforts, and we will reap the benefits of healthier relationships.  After all, everyone is vulnerable to discouragement. Encouragement and caring are as vital to our souls as water and sunshine are to a plant.