True or False Self Esteem? What's the Difference?

“We want teaching on self-esteem,” said a group that I am planning on visiting. Immediately my mind went to the two kinds of self esteem: true self esteem and false self esteem. Can you articulate the difference? I’ll attempt to do so here.

False self esteem is too often taught to our children. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” “You can be anything you want to be.” It involves a self-focus, and a sense of invincibility that is seriously overstated. There is a 100% chance that the person will be disappointed later in life, when they find out that they can’t “be anything they want to be.” Especially without effort.

Self-focus leads to narcissism, which is not healthy for anyone. Telling a person that “You are awesome, you are amazing” without saying something specific that they’re being praised for contributes to this self-focus. Or else the person just doesn’t believe it. Unfortunately many of our children are growing up with a higher view of themselves than they deserve. An example is grades: American kids rate themselves more highly than their age-mates in other countries, yet they have some of the lowest scores. Why is this? They’ve been fawned over, told they’re wonderful all their lives, and therefore it doesn’t matter how they perform.

Allow me to quote from Twenge in The Narcissism Epidemic :

Did you know that there are four legs that false self-esteem rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true.

I think we further this problem by praising our kids excessively.  Here are some problems with praising our kids:

1.     Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.     Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 “We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.”

3.     Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket, so they are either not believed, or go towards making the child a narcissist.

4.     Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment” instead of “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”

5.     Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, it leads to disappointment and resentment.

6.     A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.     Praise the achievement rather than the character.  This emphasizes the talents a person is given rather than their choice to do right.

True self esteem on the other hand, doesn’t think this way. It’s said that four things yield true self esteem: work, producing something (art, creative endeavors, etc), responsibility, and when one exhibits self-control. Hmmmm, is that what we’re teaching our kids today? Let’s look at each of them.

Work, not a pleasant task, is largely denigrated by children. “How little do I have to do?” is most often the question. Gone are the days when children had to work to help support the family; we’ve swung the pendulum in the opposite direction now. “But my child can’t do chores, it would put too much pressure on them.”  “They complain too much, it’s easier to do it myself.” “But mom, it’s so BORING!” Work humbles the soul (Ps. 107:12), and all of us need humbling.

Many of us try to produce creative things and fail. Maybe we’re too perfectionistic to recognize that they are indeed good, but not the best, so we give up. Others of us create lovely things (a story, a painting, acting in a play, musical endeavor), and are proud of ourselves for it, but do not go on getting instruction on how to improve so we can move forward in the field. That may have to do with our hesitancy to work hard, to practice, to learn. A passive attitude will not get us anywhere. Nor will a complacent view of yourself. (“I’m great already.”)

My mother used to say, “Responsibility makes a child grow up.” I’m sure that’s true, and that’s one reason we have so many young people in extended adolescence today. Giving people responsibility involves yielding it up, as well as a younger person taking it. Both are not happening today.

Which brings me to the last one, which is the hardest of all: Self-discipline. “He who neglects discipline despises himself,” it says in the Bible (Prov. 15:32), and this is the most difficult truth to assimilate. Self control must be taught to children if you want them to have high self esteem. We need to cultivate it ourselves. Yes, in this world of more, more, more, and no boundaries, only self-mastery will bring about a happy ending.

Take for example the college graduation rate. Right now, 32 % of girls graduate with a four year degree from college. For boys, it’s an abyssimal 22%.  (Dr. Michael Kirst*) Why is that? Could part of it be a lack of self discipline? 

Victoria Prooday has some suggestions as to how we can build true self esteem in our kids.

• Spend one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, fishing, watching birds/insects.
• Have a daily technology-free family dinner.
• Play one board game a day. (List of family games) Allow for unstructured play.
• Involve your child in one or more chores a day (folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table etc).
• Implement consistent sleep routine to ensure that your child gets lots of sleep in a technology-free bedroom.

• Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t over-protect them from small failures. It trains them the skills needed to overcome greater life’s challenges.
• Provide nutritious food and limits snacks. Avoid toxic foods.
• Teach them these skills rather than do it for them: Don’t pack your child’s backpack, don’t carry her backpack, don’t bring to school his forgotten lunch box/agenda, and don’t peel a banana for a 5-year-old child.  
• Teach delayed gratification and provide opportunities for “boredom” as boredom is the time when creativity awakens:

• Don’t feel responsible for being your child’s entertainment crew.
• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom.
• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, malls. Use these moments as opportunities to train their brains to function under “boredom”.
• Help them create a “boredom first aid kit” with activity ideas for “I am bored” times.

Be emotionally available to connect with kids and teach them self-regulation and social skills:

• Turn off your phones until kids are in bed to avoid digital distraction.
• Become your child’s emotional coach. Teach them to recognize and deal with frustration and anger.
• Teach greeting, taking turns, sharing, empathy, table manners, conversation skills,
• Connect emotionally – Smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, or crawl with your child.

To teach them to work, keep this in mind: Loving but firm is a key. Boundaries must be set and enforced to show the person the balance between grace and truth.

A.    Chores are a good way to beat entitlement. Here are the ABC’s of chores:

1.     Assign every member of the family some meaningful contributions. Ask yourself: “What am I doing that my kids could do?” Some families find it useful to post the list of contributions on the fridge with the person’s name next to it. Note- don’t say “Do it now,” or you will be inviting power struggles. Simply give them a deadline.

2.     Be quiet! Don’t nag.

3.     Consequences preceded by empathy will teach them. If they refuse, forget, or do a sloppy job, have them repay you for your energy and effort you put forth to do the thing for them. Ideas are: they could do extra chores for you; they could stay home or lose a privilege to save you energy; or they could pay a professional (or you) to do the chores. (Example: when a teenage girl had to pay a maid for doing her chores!)

We can build true self esteem in our kids, with effort and intentionality. Let’s do it!

* https://collegepuzzle.stanford.edu/tag/women-exceed-men-in-college-graduation/

Some Practical Pointers on Fasting

"Fasting? Wasn't that just for the apostles' time?" a student asked me once. I’d like to extol the benefits of fasting in this blog. I don’t want to say too much about my own experience with fasting, because Jesus said we’re not supposed to brag about it (Matt. 6:16-18). But I’ve had “extensive experience” (is that boasting?) with it in the 46 years I’ve walked with Christ.

It’s the best kept secret of the American church. Perhaps the church world-wide, but I think it’s less well known in the west. After all, we are affluent, and we can’t help that.

Allow me to tell you what fasting does for a person.

Fasting humbles the soul. (Ps. 35:13) There’s no doubt about it! Whether it’s calming fights with your spouse, or just enabling you to stay out of strife in general, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been spared the hardship that comes from verbal altercations. After all, James 4: 1-6 points out that our fights come from our pride. I attribute our happy marriage in part to the fasting that has helped me keep my mouth shut often!

1)   We are rich. But we’re to be poor in spirit. (Matt. 5:3). We have no concept of the poverty that much of the rest of the world has to live with. But, we can identify with them and with Christ’s sacrifice, if we fast from food for a time.

2)   It makes us grateful! Anyone can see that abstaining from something will bring thankfulness when we have it again. I’ve found this to be true with food, rather than living nearly full most of the time. I really enjoy food more!

3)   It allows us to hear from God more clearly. Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) One thing that got me fasting from the beginning was a teaching that I heard on just this topic. When we are satiated, say at Christmas, it is hard to hear the Lord clearly. We become kind of dull of hearing, and God’s word seems distant. When we fast, however, we can perceive His word to us clearly and immediately. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: ‘Here am I.”’ (Is. 58:9)

4)   It brings us out of our self-centeredness. All humans are self-focused, some due to their upbringing are more so than others. But all are! When we practice fasting, not like the Pharisees who did their fasting to be noticed by people, (Matt. 6:16-18) but really humbling ourselves, we get set free from that self-focus. This goes with my first point about avoiding fights, but it also can bring us creative ideas about things to do for others too.

Now I used to think that fasting had to be 40 days to count, or at least a week. But, one day a week can do wonders for you. After all, the Bible says to rest 1 in 7 days, (Ex. 20:8), so why not rest your digestive system as well? I’m convinced that many health ailments that afflict Americans could be brought under control of we would fast.

Isaiah 58:6-12 is a beautiful passage that is filled with promises about people who fast God’s way. Some of them are:  loosing the chains of injustice, opportunities to share with the poor and lost, healing, answered prayer, absence of confusion, touching your family, and guidance from God. We’ll be like a “well-watered garden,” we won’t burn out, we’ll flourish, and be called “Repairer of the Broken-down Walls.” I don’t know about you, but I want and need those things! Doubtless there’s more embedded in that passage, I am just giving you a tiny taste.

But watch out! The enemy is very sly. You will (I repeat you will) fall into the pharisaical attitude of self-righteousness. Again and again. “If I give my body to be burned, but have not love…” (I Cor.13: 3) So we repent over and over, and recognize that we are fallen, broken people who need a savior.

Some people say “Well, what about fasting from TV, or video games, or desserts, or some such thing?” All I can say about these things is great, go ahead and abstain from them. But don’t think that that will have the same effect as abstaining from food. There’s something about denying yourself this very basic need that speaks to our flesh in an irrefutable way. “Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the body and the body is for food, but God will destroy them both.” (I Cor. 6:12,13)

Telling your body that it is not in control is a heady experience. We understand that the flesh wars against the spirit (Romans 6 & 7). The one you feed the most will win! Starve the flesh by fasting and praying, seeking God for a time. But again, beware! Col.2:16-23 warns us that there is not spiritual value in fasting for its own sake.

People fast for health reasons. It brings the appetite under control, and there are a host of other secular reasons to fast. How about us, can we not benefit spiritually and in our bodies?

Some practical points:

* Store up some verses to be ready when you feel hungry, or get discouraged. Such as “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.” (Matt. 5:6); “I humbled my soul with fasting.” (Ps. 35:13); “This kind only goes out through prayer and fasting.” (Mk. 9:29, Matt, 17:21) Repeat them to yourself throughout the day. This will make your fast more meaningful, and combat the “crabbies” that you might otherwise find creep up on you.       

*Don’t expect to lose weight if you fast; when you are done fasting, you will eat more. But it can help you maintain your present weight, not gain.(unless you avoid sugar, then you might shed a few pounds.)

*You’ll find that you forget things when you fast. But God is faithful, and usually it is just little things that cause us minor inconvenience.

* You can still exercise. Only in 21^st century America do we believe that we might die if we have to go a few hours without food! I’ve fasted 3 days and run 2 ½ miles effortlessly. Repeat this to yourself “ I WILL NOT DIE!” Sometimes you can even exercise more easily without the burden of having to digest all that food; yes, you actually have MORE energy!

* You might get headaches and/or slight nausea. I usually tough it out, and they go away. Or take a little pain killer. If you are on a medication that needs to be taken with food, then for gosh sakes, eat something. Recently I’ve taken to drinking one caffeinated drink so I don’t get a headache when I fast.

* There are still benefits when you fail. Even a little fast if you are seeking the Lord, can help. Don’t beat yourself up when you fail! (Notice I said when, not if)

* If you struggle with anorexia or bulimia, DON’T fast! Get help for these things first.

Jesus assumed that all his followers would fast, he said “WHEN you fast…” (Matt 6:16-18), and it is practiced throughout Acts. Throughout church history, many saints and people fasted. In modern times people such as Jim Elliot and Bill Bright fasted regularly. It truly makes a difference in one’s personal walk with God. 

In fact, I am of the opinion that if everyone who loved God fasted regularly, it would wake up the lukewarm Western church.  What a powerful thing it is!

How to Handle It When Holidays are Painful

"It’s okay if you hate the holidays. I won’t tell you otherwise.

It’s okay if you’re dreading time with family because of deep wounds or toxic relationships.

It’s okay if you can’t bear the thought of not seeing the loved one you lost so recently.

Or if your heart breaks as you realize another year has gone by and you’re still single.

Or still childless.

Or still sick.

My dear friend, I’m so sorry this year is hard. I hate the way your chest threatens to crack open with the bursting pain. I would change it if I could soothe the ache of unfulfilled dreams, deep loss, or dashed hopes.

I’ve walked the cold road from November to January, wishing the season was over. I’ve struggled under depression and financial strain and crushing sorrow. Over the years, I’ve discovered a few ways to lighten the load, so I wanted to share them with you."

This blog is borrowed from Sarah (address below), and I thought that it is relevant to many these days. Read on...

Borrow somebody’s kid

"One dark year, I was dreading the holidays and everything that came with them: the expectations, the images of family togetherness, the stereotypical “most wonderful time of the year.” I really wanted to enjoy the season, but I didn’t think I could.

So I borrowed my friend’s 4-year-old daughter, bought a tiny Christmas tree for my tiny apartment, and put on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. We drank hot chocolate, decorated the tree, and ate candy canes. (Then I sent the sugared-up little girl home to her mama. You’re welcome).

I didn’t realize how much joy it would bring to see the holidays from a child’s perspective. Even as I struggled, laughing with a kid made it possible to enjoy the season in a new way.

Create new traditions

After that first year that I had my friend’s daughter come over to help me decorate, it became a tradition. I would have my friend’s kids over to decorate Easter eggs or bake cookies or whatever.

Eventually, it was replaced with other new traditions. My roommate and I would have parties at our house around the holidays. There was our annual Fall Feast (basically Friendsgiving) and Winter Wonder Day, when we would go get our Christmas trees, watch cheesy Hallmark movies, and decorate together.

It sounds simple and fun, without any deeper motive. But, in our group of friends, we each lived with different aches, unfulfilled hopes, and loneliness. Our fun little traditions made each of us feel more connected, seen, and known in a season that can easily highlight what we didn’t have.

Honor those you’ve lost

Grief has a funny way of crashing over us and turning sweetness into sorrow. If you’re experiencing the year of painful “firsts” without your loved one, don’t try to carry on like nothing has changed. The reality is that everything will seem different. That’s okay.

Instead, bring your loved one into the celebration, perhaps in a way that would have been meaningful to them. If they loved family dinner more than anything, maybe have a photo of them on the table and share stories. If volunteering was important, make some time or set aside some funds for their favorite charity. Hang a special ornament on the Christmas tree, play their favorite song, or light a candle in their honor.

Have an escape route (or know where your “afterparty” is)

When I worked with young women who had experienced severe trauma, they often went home to toxic situations during the holidays. As they fought to find healing, they worried going home would derail their hard work.

My best piece of advice was to always have an “afterparty:” somewhere to go when things got too hard with family or they needed a break. If things tended to get difficult in the evening, plan on leaving before then to hang out with an old friend, catch a movie, or join another holiday dinner.

Even if your family is healthy and amazing, we sometimes need an escape route when holidays are hard. Plan an evening walk, an early bedtime for the kids, or a quiet drive to look at lights in the city.

You might need a mid-day break, so volunteer to run to the store or do a solo project. Whether you need a quiet moment to remember someone you lost this year, or a nap because you’re struggling with serious illness, take the breaks you need.

Schedule what you need

Build time in your schedule to breathe or grieve. Schedule a low-key day, put naps on the calendar, or plan to have someone watch the kids so you can relax.

Block out times on the calendar to be home, to cook for yourself, or to work out. Sometimes self-care means bubble baths, but sometimes it means caring for your body like you would for a child: healthy food, good sleep, and time to play/exercise. Whatever you need, make sure to schedule and prioritize it so it doesn’t get lost in the busyness of the holidays.

Say no

This is SO important. You probably don’t have to cook everything. You also don’t have to bake 43 dozen cookies for church. Or show up to fourteen parties between now and January.

There are so many expectations around the holidays, but I’ve learned I get to decide what feels right to me. For example, I like to make gifts for people, but I can’t manage it for everyone I’d like to. So sometimes I buy something instead. Sometimes, if money is tight, there may not be gifts.

There have been years I haven’t traveled, haven’t decorated, or haven’t made a thing.

When the holidays are especially tough, it’s important to say no to what is too difficult or too triggering. While others may expect something, if the stress is going to give you a panic attack or if you’re going to be crushed under the weight of grief, it’s okay to say no.

Savor what you can

Find what gives you joy, is refreshing, or brings good memories. If something is enjoyable in the moment, just enjoy it. Try to pay attention to how you feel, the same way you savor a favorite food.

This isn’t about denying the ache or pretending to feel better than you really do. This is about taking it moment-by-moment and, when your heart feels happy or full, allowing yourself to feel it.

Don’t “choose joy” – cultivate it

It’s common in Christian circles to hear we just need to “choose joy” when we’re struggling. This can be compounded around the holidays when we’re supposed to celebrate gratitude and the coming of Christ.

But for many of us, it’s not possible to simply decide how we’re going to feel. And it’s not healthy to deny the very pain and humanity that Jesus came to join us in.

Although we can’t “choose joy,” we can cultivate joy. We can learn to find it hidden in the messy and the mundane, in the quiet moments with loved ones and even on our darkest days."

May you find hidden joys, small ones, as you persevere through the holidays. My reaction to it is to agree whole-heartedly, you can choose any one or two of these suggestions and feel better about it. You might surprise yourself!

 "A person's ability to endure is based on their ability to look beyond the physical to the spiritual, and beyond the visible to the invisible..." J. MacArthur

 II Cor. 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at thing that are seen, but at things that are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

  www.beautifulbetween.com/holidays-painful/?ck_subscriber_id=232062059

Christmas Eating

“’Tis the Season” we hear and inside many of us cringe. Too busy, too much food, spending too much, what to give the person who has everything. Oh and did I say over-indulgence runs rampant? Over-extended, over-stressed, and then feeling guilty for not enjoying the season of Peace and Joy. Does that sound familiar? Now, be honest!

 And lest you think I am a Scrooge, advocating cancelling Christmas, please read on. I’d like to suggest, we can get MORE pleasure from this beloved season.

Much is written every year about how to simplify our lives, spend less, nurture more good times with our loved ones, pace ourselves, etc.

But what about eating? It seems that every social event specializes in providing large amounts of rich food, and of course we feel obligated to try it all. It gets to the point where we don’t enjoy it any more, as the feeling of being perpetually full steals the joy of the good flavor. Not to mention the guilt we feel when our pants fit more snugly, and we rue the last 12 desserts we ate.

What strategies work to help us practice self control? Food is certainly meant to be enjoyed, and eating is one of the greatest pleasures afforded humankind! But in our land of plenty, we forget that there are other pleasures too. Hedonism focuses on self and doesn’t take into account the focus on others, on quietness, and the satisfaction that comes from saying “no.”

Practical strategies are the only kind I will even consider writing about.  On a day when you feast because it’s the company Christmas party, then do so with abandon! But the next day, limit your food intake. You really don’t need three big or even average meals on the next day. 

On the day your family celebrates Christmas with a grandiose table loaded with perhaps several meats and treats that you dream about all year long, go ahead and feast to your heart’s content! But the day before and the day after, eat significantly less. Your goal is to enjoy, right?  Well, you will enjoy it even more if you do this.

The law of diminishing returns is always in effect. No matter how much pleasure we derive from things like good food and drink, it will take more to make us feel good. Unless we deny ourselves for a day or two. Then we return to thankfulness mode and appreciate every bite. Hmmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing?!

Another strategy that works is to eat more slowly. Think of the word savor. Teach our children to savor each bite (we can only do that if we learn to do it ourselves), rather than hurry. A small piece of pie or fudge can that way bring us much more satisfaction than a large one. Let yourself notice each aspect of various flavors and textures. Talk about them. Enjoyment will be heightened. Of course, add to that the satisfaction of going home and not needing Tums.

Let’s teach our children the time-honored virtue of Self-control!  What rewards we, and they, will receive from it!

Want to be happy? Here's 4 tips...

Clients come in and most of them say, “I just want to be happy!” Here are four tips to happiness.

1)    Defeat bitterness. Everyone has to battle against it, because all of us are hurt sometimes. There is much pain in this world! We can choose whether to let it fester, in resentment, or give up our right to hurt the person back.  I know people who hold on to bitterness for decades, and my heart goes out to them. They are not happy! It’s a process to forgive and let go of things, and one we all need to learn if we want to lead a fulfilling life. Note: my pastor said recently, that time doesn't heal all wounds. Time heals clean wounds. That mean clean from bitterness.

This quote was on my son’s wedding invitation last month. “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness…” (Iain Thomas)

2)    Be thankful. The opposite of thankful is entitled. You can tell how much “entitlementitis” is robbing you of happiness by how much you complain. Is a complainer happy? There is always something to be thankful for, and you can train yourself to be grateful. Start by writing down three things a day you’re grateful for in a journal (and don’t let yourself repeat any). Train your children to be thankful, so they don’t fall into the way of thinking that says they’re the center of the universe and the world owes them.

3)    Have courage! Don’t let anxiety or fear take over. How much of your thinking is focused on the “what if’s?” Most of these never happen, but they occupy way too much of our thinking. Try this: whenever you’re tempted to think of the “what if’s,” say to yourself “what next?” Then concentrate on making dinner, or fixing the car, or cleaning out the closet…much more productive thinking than focusing on what you can’t control anyway.

4)    Serve others. People who give to others less fortunate than themselves are infinitely more happy than those who like a self-focused life. That’s why people who seem to have it all are many times so discontented. I personally think that that’s why God allows disabilities, suffering, and weaknesses: so we have then opportunity to help others.  Raising or working with children certainly helps us grow up and get rid of our selfishness.

If we can “fight the good fight” and manage to defeat these four things: bitterness, entitlement, fear, and selfishness, we’ll live satisfying and reasonably happy lives.

Let forgiveness, thankfulness, courage, and selflessness characterize our lives!

The Miracle Cure

"The colorful EEG graph shows that my fascination with the river quieted my brain waves." (1) How can we learn to rest in a world so hectic, and so screen-ridden, that our brains get tired? One word answers this: Nature.
Read on...

The Miracle Cure: Hiking!

Are you looking for a miracle cure that will boost your morale, increase your memory, lower stress, and make you more creative?  Search no more: it has been found. It is HIKING. Recent studies have found that the effects of hiking and nature on the brain are phenomenal.

“One of the main reasons for this glut of research is because we’re spending so much less time outdoors, overall. The average American child now spends half as much time outside as compared to only 20 years ago. HALF. Only 6% of children will play outside on their own in a typical week. Conversely, kids are now spending almost 8 hours per day watching television, playing video games, or using a computer, tablet, or phone for recreational purposes…Overall, Americans now spend 93% of their time inside a building or vehicle.”(2)

So, in other words, research has increased in the last few years, and it points to the one thing we all know, but don’t want to admit. Screens are hurting our brains. Here is the good news though. A walk in the park can restore you.

1) Nature really does clear your head.

"According to a study by the National Academy of Sciences, a 90-minute walk through a natural environment had a huge positive impact on participants. In a survey taken afterwards, those people who took the natural walk showed far lower levels of brooding, or obsessive worry. Not only that, but the scientists went a step further and did brain scans of the subjects. They found that there was decreased blood flow to the subgenual prefrontal cortex. What in the world does that mean? Well, increased blood flow to this region of the brain is associated with bad moods. Everything from feeling sad about something, to worrying, to major depression is tied to this brain region." (2) Hiking deactivates it. “Being in Nature allows the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s command center) to rest and recover, like an overused muscle.” (Williams)

2) Unplugging makes you more creative.

“Psychologists Ruth Ann Atchley and David L. Strayer found in their 2012 study that after a four-day-long hike in the wilderness, with no access to technology, participants scored a whopping 50% higher on a test known as RAT, or Remote Associates Test. This is a test that checks your creativity and ability to come up with a fourth item associated with three others. A series of three words are given, for instance, “same, tennis, and head.” The test-taker has to find a fourth word that connects the first three. In this case, the answer is “match.” A 50% increase is a huge leap up in performance by research standards. Problem-solving skills like this are thought to originate in the same area of the brain meaning our ability to think creatively is being overwhelmed by the constant stimulus of digital, indoor living.” And it can be boosted by a walk in the park.

3) Hiking boosts your focus.

“Anyone who has ADHD or has raised a child who has been diagnosed with the disorder can tell you, it’s a daily struggle to maintain grades, work performance, even relationships with friends and family. Medication can help alleviate the symptoms, but it’s less than ideal for solving the problem. Well, what about a good hike? A 2004 study came to the pretty obvious conclusion that getting outdoors and doing something active can reduce the symptoms of ADHD.”  (2) More than that, it can do so for anyone, regardless of age or health.

4) Charge your mind’s batteries with a hike.

“Hiking is a pretty solid aerobic exercise that burns around 400-700 calories per hour. This is great on its own, but aerobic exercise also has a really positive effect on your brain: it improves your memory. It’s even being studied as a way to help seniors fight off dementia, because it doesn’t just increase your ability to store information, it also reduces memory loss.” Outdoor activity has also been shown to improve grades, so why not try it? It has been shown to decrease Cortisol (Wiliams), that’s a good thing as cortisol is the stress hormone.

5) Feel better about yourself.

“According to a 2010 report in the Journal of Environmental Science and Technology, even getting out into nature for five minutes at a stretch is enough to give your self-esteem a substantial upgrade. Spending the entire day outdoors results in a second jump upwards! Walking near water seemed to have the biggest effect, so when planning your next hike, be sure to seek out a location with some great streams, rivers, or lakes.” (2)  It’s worth a try. It lowers high blood pressure, and gives you a sense of calmness that is difficult to explain away.

Is hiking the solution to all of life’s woes? Probably not. But what science is showing is that it’s actually a pretty solid candidate for making everyone’s lives a lot better, with very little input. If you already hike, good for you! If you’d like to start, find yourself a sturdy, comfortable pair of shoes or boots and Hiking is amazing, and will make everyone’s lives a lot better. I mean, it’s free! Find yourself a pair of comfortable shoes or boots, and head to a website like EveryTrail, which can help you find your way to the nearest nature. Even in 1865, it was recognized as a scientific fact that “Occasional contemplations of natural scenes of impressive character is favorable to the health and vigor of men.” (Williams) 

What have you got to lose? I know that as we enter winter season here in Minnesota, it is more difficult to get out. But it is truly worth it! Even for a short time... After all, like to northern German saying goes "There's no such thing as bad weather, only wrong clothing!"

(1) Florence Williams, The Nature Cure” National Geographic, January, 2016

(2) Michael W. Pirrone’s article called “What Hiking Does for the Brain is Pretty Amazing.”   Wildlandstrust.org

Addicted! The Insidious Drug of the 21st Century

“Many children are “hooked” on electronics, and in fact gaming releases so much dopamine—the “feel-good” chemical—that on a brain scan it looks the same as cocaine use. But when reward pathways are overused, they become less sensitive, and more and more stimulation is needed to experience pleasure. Meanwhile, dopamine is also critical for focus and motivation, so needless to say, even small changes in dopamine sensitivity can wreak havoc on how well a child feels and functions.”  (1)

More and more research is coming out on the effect of screens on our children. The suicide rate went up drastically in 2007, in fact it’s more than doubled in the years 2007-2015; no coincidence that that was the year that smartphones became widespread. (2) Screen time and light-at-night worsens suicidal thoughts (3) Light-at-night is a way to express that the unnaturally bright light from screens suppress the hormone melatonin, making it difficult to get to sleep and enter restorative deep sleep. (4) Who can heal their mind without sleep? It’s no wonder that anxiety has reached new proportions in mental health clinics!

I’ve been reading several books on digital distraction, and it is worse than I realized. But the effects on kids, whose brains are not developed yet, is enormous. Did you know that a person’s brain is not finished growing until they are in their mid-twenties? (5) So why are we giving our kids smart phones before that? We do so because of our ignorance, and because everyone else is doing it.

Not everyone knows the facts that were presented in the first paragraph. The same as cocaine use? Are you kidding me? How many fights erupt when you try to limit your kids’ screen time? Do your kids get angry, even aggressive when you tell them to put their phone or iPad down and go outside? Many do. Let me warn you: they’re in danger of becoming (or already are) addicted.

I’ll address the second reason: everyone else is doing it. Recently I read a good quote about leadership. “A leader is someone who leads by example and has the integrity to do the right thing even when it is not popular. A good leader has positive influence over others, inspiring them to become a better person and example for others to model their life against as well.” (6) Do we have to courage to lead by example, even when it’s not popular? Can we model this for our kids? Or do we succumb to the quagmire of peer pressure? Do we change our beliefs to fit in with the group? Too often, I’m sad to say, the answer is yes.

A common fear for many of us is that our children will not fit in. We allow the collective group to decide for us what sports, activities, clothing, and electronic devices they should have or be involved in. What are we teaching our kids? To follow the crowd? We had 3 boys in 4 years, so the pressure was great for them to be in sports, all at once. Thankfully, we made the rule that they could only play sports two out of the four seasons of the year, because I just could not see running around like a mad person, trying to get them to games, practices, etc. Many of my friends did that. Now they are adults, well-adjusted, and setting boundaries for their own families.

Will your child be left out if he or she doesn’t have a smartphone with texting and social media? It’s common to think they will. Thomas Kersting and Arlene Pellicane, both authors and researchers, report that their children are happier and healthier than their peers are! And NOT left out of what matters:, taking face to face, birthday parties, and being with nature. Dr. Dunckley wrote the book Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time. (a mouthful!) In it she cites numerous examples of kids who have been restored to mental health by fasting from screens.

Perhaps you need to regulate your own screen use. Here are some pointers to get started:

1.)   No electronics during dinner. Make a rule that dinnertime is sacred. Conversations cause children’s brains to grow! (Here are 25 questions you can use to get conversations going http://cynthiagill1972.blogspot.com/2018/08/talk-to-my-kid-what-do-i-say.html )

2.)   Be a role model. This means spending less time with your beloved device, especially when your kids are present. Talk to them, make eye contact, teach them empathy, and problem solve with them.

3.)   No screens in the bedroom. Televisions, computers, hand-held devices need to be used in the family room. The temptation is too strong to text or go on social media late at night. At the very least, it will teach your children to interact, and dispel the idea that the world revolves around them and their wants.

4.)   Limit screen time for entertainment purposes to two hours per day. Let your kids experience boredom! Bring out the pencils and paper, books, craft materials, boxes and duct tape, pets, outdoor activities, anything but screens to entertain themselves. Engage with them!

5.)   Your child’s phone is your phone. Make this very clear to her/him, and have a rule that the phone is to be handed to you at a certain time every night. Sleep with it under your pillow if necessary.   (7)

Why don’t you read one of the books listed below and educate yourself on this insidious menace that is invading our world. You could read even part of any one of the books and learn about the phenomena. All of these authors have a website, if you’re inclined to go there for articles, etc. (Most, if not all, of these books are available as audible books too.)  

So, some of you are shaking your heads and saying that this is too radical. All I can say is imagine a world of the future where people lack empathy, lack self-control, lack emotional intelligence, kill themselves in higher numbers, and/or struggle with anxiety and depression all their lives. It’s already happening. It will get worse unless we turn the tide.

We can. Let’s do our part.

Resources:

Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time. By Dr. Victoria Dunckley  Very thorough and scholarly book with many many success stories.

Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids by Dr. Thomas Kersting A very readable book, it’s only 92 pages! He has some good ideas too.

Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World by Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane  Chapman wrote The 5 Love Languages, this book is very positive and very clear, with group discussion questions at the end.

Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction is Hijacking Our Kids and How to Break the Trance by Nicholas Kardaras  A scary book, with solutions.

The Digital Invasion: How Technology is Shaping You and Your Relationships by Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd  Really interesting, it is the oldest of these books, as they were among the first to notice the effects of screens on people.

The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World by Nancy Colier  Good, especially if you like the mindfulness approach.

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World by Kristen Welch  This book is one of my favorites, I love how she has ideas at the end of every chapter, for every age group, on how to raise your kids today.

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex & Brett Harris  This book was written by two teen boys, and remains one of the great challenges both to us and to our kids.

Notes:

1)    Dr. Victoria Dunckley, Screentime is Making Kids Moody, Crazy, and Lazy

2)    (https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/05/30/youth-suicide-rates-rising-school-and-internet-may-blame/356539001/

3)    Dunckley, Reset Your Child’s Brain

4)    Shigakazu Higuchi, et al., Effects of Vdt Tasks with a Bright Display at Night on Melatonin, Journal of Applied Physiology 94, no. 5

5)    Dr. Dan Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child

6)    Dr. Thomas Kersting, Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids

7)    ibid.