The One Secret

I spend a lot of time alone. (Many of us do!) The other day, seeing people walking and talking together, I was wishing I could have more friends. Then, one weekend, I was with friends practically non-stop. And I cried out “Help, I need some alone time!”

Contentment.  How elusive it is! Yet are there some secrets we can learn that will bring us to experience more of it? I told my granddaughter I knew the secret of happiness. I had her attention. It is: wanting what we have, not wanting what we can’t have.

How simple. Yet, how hard. The hardest commandment to keep is the last one: you shall not covet. Jealousy is part of our fallen nature. It was jealousy that led Lucifer astray. It was jealousy of God himself that led Adam and Eve to eat the fruit – jealousy is a lack of faith that God has our best in mind!

 
Jealousy takes many forms. Comparing ourselves to someone else, and wishing for their gifts. Particularly lethal is wishing our spouse would be like him/her.   Wanting more money, a certain car, house, or type of clothing. Aspiring to a ministry is ok, but where is the line between honestly hoping to do something great, and bitter jealousy or selfish ambition? We all can relate to some of these, perhaps all of them.

I’ve found that I need to be honest with myself when I’m jealous of someone else.  Only then can I deal with it. Whether it’s a small thing like “I wish I had more friends,” or a big thing like “Why did Psychology Today call about our book, but never followed up on it?” (this happened with our book),  I need to talk to myself directly. I can talk myself down from feeling discontented if I want to, if I am honest about it, really admitting that I am jealous of someone else. If I want to.  Perhaps I need some time to feel sorry for myself. But, the negative comments, the complaining that comes from a discontented soul…is that worth it?

There are three things that contribute to contentment.

1) Gratitude is part of the answer. We have so much to be thankful for! Think about if you lived in a war-torn country, or a developing nation. Then our “first world problems” wouldn’t seem so big! Or imagine if you were disabled somehow. The smallest thing would be a victory.

I often do this exercise with my clients. Imagine you are blind for a minute. Then list two things you are grateful you can see. The same for hearing: two things that give you pleasure to listen to. Imagine two things that you love to touch, two things you love to smell, and you love to taste. What a joy it is, listing 10 things they are grateful for! The smallest things we take for granted can be recognized as pleasures.

Our Intensive Outpatient Program uses gratitude to bring healing to its participants. Each person has to come up with three things they are thankful for every day - and they can’t be the same. One lady said that changes her attitude first thing in the morning, planning what she is going to say. Amazing.

2) The second part is intentionality. . The other day I was having one of those pity-parties. I let myself cry and feel sorry for myself for a while. But then I thought, “I spend the whole week, trying to get others to think positive thoughts, yet here I am, in the depths…” Just then I happened to look in the rearview mirror (I was driving). There was a man in the car behind me who reminded me of a dear friend, a pastor who was so kind and caring. I decided to think about him for a while, remembering words he had spoken, things he had done. Before I knew it, I was out of the dumps, thinking more rational and positive thoughts. 

But it was intentionality that did it. If I hadn’t wanted  to, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the doldrums like that. The mind naturally goes to negative thoughts unless effort and intentionality are used.

3) The third tool that helps us achieve contentment is perspective. How long do we have to put up with pain, sorrow, heartache? I’d like to quote John MacArthur in this one “A person’s ability to bear up under sorrow is directly related to his ability to focus on the eternal, rather than the temporal.” (Bible Commentary) The Bible says “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory far beyond comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen…” (II Cor 4:17, 18a)

One client who was real depressed told me how to encourage her: “Just tell me that this too shall pass.” It sounds simple, but it requires us to dial in to a different paradigm. That all of this life is just temporary, a preparation for the next one.

In conclusion, if we focus on what we do have rather than what we don’t/can’t have; if we want to, we can choose to be content. Sometimes we need to play tricks on our minds to get them there, but we can. If we focus on the unseen rather than the seen, we CAN be content!

 Let’s choose to be less complain-y and more contented and grateful. It is the one thing that can help us get thru this pandemic!
Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live?

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