Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Avoiding Pain Can Kill You



“My kids are adversity deficient,” said one parent with insight. “Wow, he’s on the right track,” I thought. Adversity deficient. That almost seems like an oxymoron at first glance. Who wants adversity? Don’t we try to do everything in our power to overcome adversity? We take pills to numb pain, we take the easy way out in everything, we strive to live the good life, free from all negative things.

But what are we learning? Worse yet, what are we teaching our children? That life should be easy? That all pain and sorrow is to be avoided?

I have news for you. It won’t happen. Everyone is bound to suffer some type of loss, hardship, and suffering. Better that we learn young how to meet it, and bounce back. That’s called resilience. And our children need to learn it desperately. So do some of us.

What will happen to our kids when they grow up and then lose their job? When the patio door shatters? When they don’t have enough money to pay the light bill? When their beloved dog dies? When their spouse gets mad at them for not taking out the garbage? When their car breaks down unexpectedly?

A quote I came across recently said “Oh, that our children would learn to be devastated on the soccer field at age 6. Don’t let the first disappointment be in college at age 19.” (Wendy Mogel, psychologist)

But we give them participation trophies for doing nothing (other than showing up), and I even heard of a basketball game for children where they’re not allowed to steal the ball, but get praised for hogging it and carrying it down to the other end of the court. What?

Let me quote from an article:
            “Kids grow up in a reality show world, thinking of themselves as the central characters on the stage. They have a Facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there any incentive or motivation to learn to work. And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.” (Richard and Linda Eyre The Entitlement Trap, p. 14)
What are kids going to do when they discover that they are not so important? That they are not the center of the universe? That life isn’t all about having fun? That they aren’t so special or exceptional that they can do anything that they want to …without much effort?

They might harm themselves. Or worse, kill themselves, thinking “If I can’t have what I want, life isn’t worth living…” Suicide is the period at the end of a sentence that no one is hearing. It’s also a permanent solution for a temporary problem. And it’s starting to be a problem at a younger and younger age.

I want to scare you. I want to frighten you into changing how you parent. Into setting more limits on media and cell phones. Into intentional teaching of gratitude, through projects. A change in our own attitudes.

Kids need two things to grow up with hope:
1) They need to be able to handle disappointment well. (Do your kids?)
2) They need to have realistic expectations for life. (Do your kids?)

Gratitude is the answer to both of these. A book called Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World  by Kristen Welch, gives positive, concrete answers at the end of each chapter to parents looking for ways to teach their kids to be thankful. Remember, we have to TEACH thankfulness to kids, the default mode is self-centeredness, the “selfie.”
There isn’t time in this blog to address the social media and cell phone problem. Perhaps I’ll address that in another blog. But suffice it to say, that there is a marked increase in depression resulting from these things. I’ve seen it in the counseling room. I’ve even experienced it in my own life. How do we combat it, for those we love the most?

Some suggestions:      
            1) Have one day a week media free.
            2) Monitor texting and other conversations. An app that is helpful is www.TeenSafe.com
            3) Create a family mission statement and hang it on the wall. Then refer to it when making decisions about spending money and time priorities.
            4) Clean out closets & drawers, and urge your kids to give away not only what they don’t want anymore, but something they really love to share with someone else.
            5) Challenge them to compare themselves with those in poverty, not just the neighbor down the street.  Spend time with those less fortunate on monthly field trips.
            6) Let your kids be bored once in a while. It’s a healthy exercise to spark creativity.
            7) Resist the urge to tell your kids they are special. Instead say, “God made you unique, there’s no one else like you.”
            8) Create a chore routine. A “job jar” which contains written chores that the kids draw out is one way to do Saturday cleaning.
            9) Look for opportunities to serve outside your home: rake someone’s yard, make cookies for neighbors, clean up trash at the park. Visit a homeless shelter or a cancer ward together.
            10) Resist the urge to bail your child out, especially if it is a repeat offense like being forgetful or irresponsible. They won’t die if they don’t have lunch one day, but they’ll remember it from now on.
            11) Have a meal of rice and beans once a month, or every two weeks. It is, after all, how most of the world lives.
            12) Watch your mouth. Negative talk can influence how we think. Hand out rubber bands, and every time you complain, snap it. Do this for 24 hours. This can show you how much you grumble, and encourage you to talk positively.

These are a few of the suggestions from Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. The sub-title is How One Family Learned that Saying No Can Lead to Life’s Biggest Yes.
We want our kids to say YES to life! How vital to teach them these things! Focus on character, in ourselves and our kids. It’ll be hard at first, but the end result will bring joy to everyone. Instead of sorrow…

Don’t let your kids have a deficiency of adversity. Let them learn gratitude instead.

  

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