“My kids are adversity
deficient,” said one parent with insight. “Wow, he’s on the right track,” I
thought. Adversity deficient. That almost seems like an oxymoron at first
glance. Who wants adversity? Don’t we try to do everything in our power to
overcome adversity? We take pills to numb pain, we take the easy way out in
everything, we strive to live the good life, free from all negative things.
But what are we learning? Worse yet, what are we teaching
our children? That life should be easy? That all pain and sorrow is to be
avoided?
I have news for you. It won’t happen. Everyone is bound to
suffer some type of loss, hardship, and suffering. Better that we learn young
how to meet it, and bounce back. That’s called resilience. And our children need to learn it desperately. So do
some of us.
What will happen to our kids when they grow up and then lose
their job? When the patio door shatters? When they don’t have enough money to
pay the light bill? When their beloved dog dies? When their spouse gets mad at
them for not taking out the garbage? When their car breaks down unexpectedly?
A quote I came across recently said “Oh, that our children
would learn to be devastated on the soccer field at age 6. Don’t let the first
disappointment be in college at age 19.” (Wendy Mogel, psychologist)
But we give them participation trophies for doing nothing
(other than showing up), and I even heard of a basketball game for children
where they’re not allowed to steal the ball, but get praised for hogging it and
carrying it down to the other end of the court. What?
Let me quote from an article:
“Kids
grow up in a reality show world, thinking of themselves as the central
characters on the stage. They have a Facebook page, they are famous in their
own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need)
for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility.
Nor is there any incentive or motivation to learn to work. And they think they
are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.” (Richard and
Linda Eyre The Entitlement Trap,
p. 14)
What are kids going to do when they discover that they are
not so important? That they are not the center of the universe? That life isn’t
all about having fun? That they aren’t so special or exceptional that they can
do anything that they want to …without much effort?
They might harm themselves. Or worse, kill themselves,
thinking “If I can’t have what I want, life isn’t worth living…” Suicide is the
period at the end of a sentence that no one is hearing. It’s also a permanent
solution for a temporary problem. And it’s starting to be a problem at a
younger and younger age.
I want to scare you. I want to frighten you into changing
how you parent. Into setting more limits on media and cell phones. Into
intentional teaching of gratitude, through projects. A change in our own
attitudes.
Kids need two things to grow up with hope:
1) They need to be able to handle disappointment well. (Do
your kids?)
2) They need to have realistic expectations for life. (Do
your kids?)
Gratitude is the answer to both of these. A book called Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
by Kristen Welch, gives positive,
concrete answers at the end of each chapter to parents looking for ways to
teach their kids to be thankful. Remember, we have to TEACH thankfulness to
kids, the default mode is self-centeredness, the “selfie.”
There isn’t time in this blog to address the social media
and cell phone problem. Perhaps I’ll address that in another blog. But suffice
it to say, that there is a marked increase in depression resulting from these
things. I’ve seen it in the counseling room. I’ve even experienced it in my own
life. How do we combat it, for those we love the most?
Some suggestions:
1) Have one
day a week media free.
2) Monitor
texting and other conversations. An app that is helpful is www.TeenSafe.com
3) Create a
family mission statement and hang it on the wall. Then refer to it when making
decisions about spending money and time priorities.
4) Clean
out closets & drawers, and urge your kids to give away not only what they
don’t want anymore, but something they really love to share with someone else.
5)
Challenge them to compare themselves with those in poverty, not just the neighbor
down the street. Spend time with those
less fortunate on monthly field trips.
6) Let your
kids be bored once in a while. It’s a healthy exercise to spark creativity.
7) Resist
the urge to tell your kids they are special. Instead say, “God made you unique,
there’s no one else like you.”
8) Create a
chore routine. A “job jar” which contains written chores that the kids draw out
is one way to do Saturday cleaning.
9) Look for
opportunities to serve outside your home: rake someone’s yard, make cookies for
neighbors, clean up trash at the park. Visit a homeless shelter or a cancer
ward together.
10) Resist
the urge to bail your child out, especially if it is a repeat offense like
being forgetful or irresponsible. They won’t die if they don’t have lunch one
day, but they’ll remember it from now on.
11) Have a
meal of rice and beans once a month, or every two weeks. It is, after all, how
most of the world lives.
12) Watch
your mouth. Negative talk can influence how we think. Hand out rubber bands,
and every time you complain, snap it. Do this for 24 hours. This can show you how much
you grumble, and encourage you to talk positively.
These are a few of the suggestions from Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. The sub-title is
How One Family Learned that Saying No
Can Lead to Life’s Biggest Yes.
We want our kids to say YES to life! How vital to teach them
these things! Focus on character, in ourselves and our kids. It’ll be hard at
first, but the end result will bring joy to everyone. Instead of sorrow…
Don’t let your kids have a deficiency of adversity. Let them
learn gratitude instead.
