Thursday, January 25, 2018

Am I Codependent? What is it anyway?


You’ve probably heard the word, “codependent” or “codependency”. What IS that and how might it affect me?



Codependency happens in relationships where one person is defined by what another person thinks, needs, or desires. A codependent person has his or her mood, happiness, and identity linked to another person. “I’m happy if you’re happy with me. I’m in a good mood because you’re in a good mood.”



There is usually an excessive emotional reliance on a partner. One person supports or enables another’s irresponsibility, immaturity, under-achievement, addiction or poor mental health.



Some examples of codependent behavior are:



1)      Parents who let their adult children “mooch” off of them. They continue to allow him or her to live with them, giving the “child” money, and favors—hoping that they will change. Their adult child is irresponsible, demanding, and spoiled, and the parents end up resenting him/her.



2)      A wife who enables her husband to not have to work, or to go in late to work because of his laziness or his addiction, by “covering up” for him. She might even take on extra hours herself to help pay the bills. She ends up resenting this.



3)      A young man who looks up to his superior and seems to be blind to his faults. He does everything the superior wants him to, even though the elder one is harsh, puts him down, and uses him. The young man becomes resentful.



 In all of these and many more, there is one person in the relationship who is over-functioning and harbors increasing anger over their unbalanced role. But they feel trapped, unable to get out of the cycle. 



Why is this?



I tell my clients that two things come into play here.



The first is lack of boundaries. Andy is an “oppressor codependent” and Betty is the “victim codependent.” Betty does not set boundaries with Andy because she knows that he will not respect those boundaries.  There could be a host of other reasons, including thinking she is selfish if she sets boundaries, or she will hurt him. But it’s certain that Andy will either laugh at the boundaries or get mad at them.  After all, things have gone on fine for him with no boundaries, so why should he change?



 The second thing preventing Betty from getting out of this cycle is False Guilt. Yes, there is a thing called FALSE guilt. You see, when the victim, Betty, starts to stand up for herself and say “Enough” or “No,” then Andy will accuse her of being selfish, bad, uncaring, or worthless. How long can Betty stand up to such treatment? Without support, Betty will cave in, feeling SO GUILTY, and the cycle will start all over again.  Some people are trapped in this cycle for decades.



 Andy needs Betty to be dependent on him, because she meets his needs in some way. This is common, such as adult children whose parents buy them cigarettes. Or the narcissist who uses his girlfriend for sex. 



In the Andy/Betty example, Betty needs Andy to be dependent on her for HER identity and sense of worth. After all she is a hero or a noble martyr for “saving” Andy.



Can you see how both parties are ensnared with codependency?



Codependency in the church



 Have you ever invited a guest to a church service, and then heard the message through the guest’s ears? You don’t get anything out of the sermon for yourself, because you’re obsessed with how your guest is hearing it! 



Have you ever read a book and thought, “So and so would really benefit from reading this book?” Never mind that YOU could receive something from it too; it’s all about the other person. “If only she/he would read this book…”



 Your desire in these situations to fix the other person is codependency.



Your desire to rescue the other person is codependency.



How about prayer? The “codependent intercessor” is one who is so burdened down by the problems of another that he/she cannot think of anything else!



Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that God gives us desires to pray for other people. Sometimes strong ones! But, I’m talking about a person that is so obsessed with the burden, they get emotionally “down” and can’t think about anything else.



Is that ever you?



Somehow we’ve gotten the thought that we need to fix people, rescue them, or change them in order to please God. This is false! God Himself is very good at fixing and rescuing, but we, on the other hand, are not. Better to ask Him how we can serve them. How can we meet their needs? Many times this servant approach will soften their hearts and they will be more open to God working in their lives. But all too often WE strive to change them and the other person senses it. And they even harden their hearts about changing even more because of it.



 Our relationship with our third son, Jay, is an example of codependency. For years we were the typical codependent Christian parents. Controlling everything we could think of controlling in his chaotic life. When Jay rebelled, ran away, and got into drugs, it took a while for us to see the error of our ways. Jerry and I went to a pastor’s conference, where we were given a new insight into our proper role as parents. The speaker said, “The glory of God is His love. In Ex. 34:6 it says; ‘The Lord, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness…’” (This is the short version) We realized that we had not been showing unconditional love for Jay. Rather it was: “I’ll love you if you’ll change!” This kind of statement shows no regard for his freedom of choice.



 So, we repented. That’s an old-fashioned word that means you change your thinking. Since then, our relationship with Jay has steadily improved, and he even calls Jerry to ask his advice from time to time. But what had to happen first was a change in the ways WE related to him.



How many of the rest of us have people that we are holding under judgment, keeping them at a “holy arm’s length”, until they do what we want them to? It would be to our benefit and theirs if we just gave them their freedom. We could even have a relationship with them.



I counseled a lady who struggled with codependency. She couldn’t relate to her 21 year old daughter without bringing up all the problems she had. Now they were serious problems like abuse, homelessness, and drug abuse. But whenever she brought them up, the girl got real defensive. I told her she should talk about something completely different. Like, what would she do if she got a million dollars? If she could travel anywhere in the world, where would she like to go and why? What’s her favorite dessert? Describe her hero or heroine. Much better to build a relationship with her, and then pray like crazy in secret for her.





So where can we begin the process on dismantling the codependency?



Start with boundaries.



My boss, Dr. Hal Baumchen, suggested these ten strategies for establishing boundaries to keep yourself from stumbling into this treacherous trap.



Strategies for Establishing Boundaries



1.      Set limits for yourself and stick to them. This simple discipline will sharpen your skill and give you the ability to live within your limits and expect others to do the same. Practice it on a daily basis.



2.      Think long term. Codependent actions often seek easy and short term solutions in order to have comfort in the moment. Allow your loved one to hurt now, hoping that he or she will change course rather than repeat mistakes you continue to try to fix.



3. Accept the consequences. Accept the fact that if you don’t enable or rescue your loved one, you too will experience part of the consequence. Be willing to endure the pain of someone else’s poor choice.



4. Manage your own character. Make your goal your own attitude and character. Resist the urge to change, fix or control someone else. Limit yourself, examine your motive, and maintain your mood and disposition. Refuse to let someone else’s behavior control or determine your mood.



 5. Choose to love. Separate your loving attitude from your codependent enabling behaviors. Choosing to love the person and not enable their poor choices will leave them to experience the consequences of their own actions, and in turn become more responsible.



6. Know your vulnerabilities. Perhaps there are certain people or situations that leave you particularly prone to compromising your boundaries. Make a list of these volatile or sensitive situations. Set firm boundaries and limits – for yourself! Then stick to the plan even if it produces emotional pain or ambivalence for you.



7. Consequences linger. Poor choices and flawed decisions have lasting consequences. People are often tempted to rescue another person because they are reluctant to face the long-term consequences of another person’s poor choices. Understanding and being willing to live with the long-term consequences allows you to develop strong boundaries and live within them.



8. Increase your own independence. The less you need someone for your contentment, security, and happiness, the less you will need their actions and decisions to be perfect. Get stronger, expand your life, and be an initiator in your own life rather than a responder to someone else’s.



9. Face the truth. Codependent behavior is produced by a desire to deny, rationalize, and minimize the truth, and minimize the consequences for someone else. Stick to the truth, even if it brings consequences for another person. Are you being objective?



10. If necessary, limit contact. If you’re having trouble setting and maintaining good boundaries with someone, consider having less frequent contact. You are not making them go away from you. You are willing to withdraw yourself, set boundaries and limits, or avoid them in order to protect yourself.



Let’s do some self-reflection, and set ourselves and others free from our codependent thinking. It’s good for all parties concerned!

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