You’ve probably heard the word, “codependent” or
“codependency”. What IS that and how might it affect me?
Codependency happens in relationships where one person is
defined by what another person thinks, needs, or desires. A codependent person
has his or her mood, happiness, and identity linked to another person. “I’m
happy if you’re happy with me. I’m in a good mood because you’re in a good
mood.”
There is usually an excessive emotional reliance on a
partner. One person supports or enables another’s irresponsibility, immaturity,
under-achievement, addiction or poor mental health.
Some examples of codependent behavior are:
1) Parents who
let their adult children “mooch” off of them. They continue to allow him or her
to live with them, giving the “child” money, and favors—hoping that they will
change. Their adult child is irresponsible, demanding, and spoiled, and the
parents end up resenting him/her.
2) A wife who
enables her husband to not have to work, or to go in late to work because of
his laziness or his addiction, by “covering up” for him. She might even take on
extra hours herself to help pay the bills. She ends up resenting this.
3) A young man
who looks up to his superior and seems to be blind to his faults. He does everything
the superior wants him to, even though the elder one is harsh, puts him down,
and uses him. The young man becomes resentful.
In all of these and
many more, there is one person in the relationship who is over-functioning and
harbors increasing anger over their unbalanced role. But they feel trapped,
unable to get out of the cycle.
Why is this?
I tell my clients that two things come into play here.
The first is lack of boundaries. Andy is an “oppressor codependent”
and Betty is the “victim codependent.” Betty does not set boundaries with Andy
because she knows that he will not respect those boundaries. There could be a host of other reasons,
including thinking she is selfish if she sets boundaries, or she will hurt him.
But it’s certain that Andy will either laugh at the boundaries or get mad at
them. After all, things have gone on
fine for him with no boundaries, so why should he change?
The second thing
preventing Betty from getting out of this cycle is False Guilt. Yes, there is a
thing called FALSE guilt. You see, when the victim, Betty, starts to stand up
for herself and say “Enough” or “No,” then Andy will accuse her of being
selfish, bad, uncaring, or worthless. How long can Betty stand up to such
treatment? Without support, Betty will cave in, feeling SO GUILTY, and the
cycle will start all over again. Some
people are trapped in this cycle for decades.
Andy needs Betty to
be dependent on him, because she meets his needs in some way. This is common,
such as adult children whose parents buy them cigarettes. Or the narcissist who
uses his girlfriend for sex.
In the Andy/Betty example, Betty needs Andy to be dependent
on her for HER identity and sense of worth. After all she is a hero or a noble
martyr for “saving” Andy.
Can you see how both parties are ensnared with codependency?
Codependency in the
church
Have you ever invited
a guest to a church service, and then heard the message through the guest’s
ears? You don’t get anything out of the sermon for yourself, because you’re
obsessed with how your guest is hearing it!
Have you ever read a book and thought, “So and so would
really benefit from reading this book?” Never mind that YOU could receive
something from it too; it’s all about the other person. “If only she/he would
read this book…”
Your desire in these
situations to fix the other person is codependency.
Your desire to rescue the other person is codependency.
How about prayer? The “codependent intercessor” is one who
is so burdened down by the problems of another that he/she cannot think of
anything else!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer,
and I believe that God gives us desires to pray for other people. Sometimes
strong ones! But, I’m talking about a person that is so obsessed with the
burden, they get emotionally “down” and can’t think about anything else.
Is that ever you?
Somehow we’ve gotten the thought that we need to fix people,
rescue them, or change them in order to please God. This is false! God Himself
is very good at fixing and rescuing, but we, on the other hand, are not. Better
to ask Him how we can serve them. How can we meet their needs? Many times this
servant approach will soften their hearts and they will be more open to God
working in their lives. But all too often WE strive to change them and the
other person senses it. And they even harden their hearts about changing even
more because of it.
Our relationship with
our third son, Jay, is an example of codependency. For years we were the typical
codependent Christian parents. Controlling everything we could think of
controlling in his chaotic life. When Jay rebelled, ran away, and got into
drugs, it took a while for us to see the error of our ways. Jerry and I went to
a pastor’s conference, where we were given a new insight into our proper role
as parents. The speaker said, “The glory of God is His love. In Ex. 34:6 it
says; ‘The Lord, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love
and faithfulness…’” (This is the short version) We realized that we had not
been showing unconditional love for Jay. Rather it was: “I’ll love you if
you’ll change!” This kind of statement shows no regard for his freedom of
choice.
So, we repented.
That’s an old-fashioned word that means you change your thinking. Since then,
our relationship with Jay has steadily improved, and he even calls Jerry to ask
his advice from time to time. But what had to happen first was a change in the
ways WE related to him.
How many of the rest of us have people that we are holding
under judgment, keeping them at a “holy arm’s length”, until they do what we
want them to? It would be to our benefit and theirs if we just gave them their
freedom. We could even have a relationship with them.
I counseled a lady who struggled with codependency. She
couldn’t relate to her 21 year old daughter without bringing up all the problems
she had. Now they were serious problems like abuse, homelessness, and drug
abuse. But whenever she brought them up, the girl got real defensive. I told
her she should talk about something completely different. Like, what would she
do if she got a million dollars? If she could travel anywhere in the world,
where would she like to go and why? What’s her favorite dessert? Describe her
hero or heroine. Much better to build a relationship with her, and then pray
like crazy in secret for her.
So where can we begin
the process on dismantling the codependency?
Start with boundaries.
My boss, Dr. Hal Baumchen, suggested these ten strategies
for establishing boundaries to keep yourself from stumbling into this
treacherous trap.
Strategies for
Establishing Boundaries
1. Set limits
for yourself and stick to them. This simple discipline will sharpen your
skill and give you the ability to live within your limits and expect others to
do the same. Practice it on a daily basis.
2. Think long
term. Codependent actions often seek easy and short term solutions in order
to have comfort in the moment. Allow your loved one to hurt now, hoping that he
or she will change course rather than repeat mistakes you continue to try to
fix.
3. Accept the consequences. Accept the fact that if
you don’t enable or rescue your loved one, you too will experience part of the
consequence. Be willing to endure the pain of someone else’s poor choice.
4. Manage your own character. Make your goal your own
attitude and character. Resist the urge to change, fix or control someone else.
Limit yourself, examine your motive, and maintain your mood and disposition.
Refuse to let someone else’s behavior control or determine your mood.
5. Choose to love.
Separate your loving attitude from your codependent enabling behaviors.
Choosing to love the person and not enable their poor choices will leave them
to experience the consequences of their own actions, and in turn become more
responsible.
6. Know your vulnerabilities. Perhaps there are
certain people or situations that leave you particularly prone to compromising
your boundaries. Make a list of these volatile or sensitive situations. Set
firm boundaries and limits – for yourself! Then stick to the plan even if it
produces emotional pain or ambivalence for you.
7. Consequences linger. Poor choices and flawed
decisions have lasting consequences. People are often tempted to rescue another
person because they are reluctant to face the long-term consequences of another
person’s poor choices. Understanding and being willing to live with the
long-term consequences allows you to develop strong boundaries and live within
them.
8. Increase your own independence. The less you need
someone for your contentment, security, and happiness, the less you will need
their actions and decisions to be perfect. Get stronger, expand your life, and
be an initiator in your own life rather than a responder to someone else’s.
9. Face the truth. Codependent behavior is produced
by a desire to deny, rationalize, and minimize the truth, and minimize the
consequences for someone else. Stick to the truth, even if it brings
consequences for another person. Are you being objective?
10. If necessary, limit contact. If you’re having
trouble setting and maintaining good boundaries with someone, consider having
less frequent contact. You are not making them go away from you. You are
willing to withdraw yourself, set boundaries and limits, or avoid them in order
to protect yourself.
Let’s do some self-reflection, and set ourselves and others
free from our codependent thinking. It’s good for all parties concerned!
