How to Handle It When Holidays are Painful

"It’s okay if you hate the holidays. I won’t tell you otherwise.

It’s okay if you’re dreading time with family because of deep wounds or toxic relationships.

It’s okay if you can’t bear the thought of not seeing the loved one you lost so recently.

Or if your heart breaks as you realize another year has gone by and you’re still single.

Or still childless.

Or still sick.

My dear friend, I’m so sorry this year is hard. I hate the way your chest threatens to crack open with the bursting pain. I would change it if I could soothe the ache of unfulfilled dreams, deep loss, or dashed hopes.

I’ve walked the cold road from November to January, wishing the season was over. I’ve struggled under depression and financial strain and crushing sorrow. Over the years, I’ve discovered a few ways to lighten the load, so I wanted to share them with you."

This blog is borrowed from Sarah (address below), and I thought that it is relevant to many these days. Read on...

Borrow somebody’s kid

"One dark year, I was dreading the holidays and everything that came with them: the expectations, the images of family togetherness, the stereotypical “most wonderful time of the year.” I really wanted to enjoy the season, but I didn’t think I could.

So I borrowed my friend’s 4-year-old daughter, bought a tiny Christmas tree for my tiny apartment, and put on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. We drank hot chocolate, decorated the tree, and ate candy canes. (Then I sent the sugared-up little girl home to her mama. You’re welcome).

I didn’t realize how much joy it would bring to see the holidays from a child’s perspective. Even as I struggled, laughing with a kid made it possible to enjoy the season in a new way.

Create new traditions

After that first year that I had my friend’s daughter come over to help me decorate, it became a tradition. I would have my friend’s kids over to decorate Easter eggs or bake cookies or whatever.

Eventually, it was replaced with other new traditions. My roommate and I would have parties at our house around the holidays. There was our annual Fall Feast (basically Friendsgiving) and Winter Wonder Day, when we would go get our Christmas trees, watch cheesy Hallmark movies, and decorate together.

It sounds simple and fun, without any deeper motive. But, in our group of friends, we each lived with different aches, unfulfilled hopes, and loneliness. Our fun little traditions made each of us feel more connected, seen, and known in a season that can easily highlight what we didn’t have.

Honor those you’ve lost

Grief has a funny way of crashing over us and turning sweetness into sorrow. If you’re experiencing the year of painful “firsts” without your loved one, don’t try to carry on like nothing has changed. The reality is that everything will seem different. That’s okay.

Instead, bring your loved one into the celebration, perhaps in a way that would have been meaningful to them. If they loved family dinner more than anything, maybe have a photo of them on the table and share stories. If volunteering was important, make some time or set aside some funds for their favorite charity. Hang a special ornament on the Christmas tree, play their favorite song, or light a candle in their honor.

Have an escape route (or know where your “afterparty” is)

When I worked with young women who had experienced severe trauma, they often went home to toxic situations during the holidays. As they fought to find healing, they worried going home would derail their hard work.

My best piece of advice was to always have an “afterparty:” somewhere to go when things got too hard with family or they needed a break. If things tended to get difficult in the evening, plan on leaving before then to hang out with an old friend, catch a movie, or join another holiday dinner.

Even if your family is healthy and amazing, we sometimes need an escape route when holidays are hard. Plan an evening walk, an early bedtime for the kids, or a quiet drive to look at lights in the city.

You might need a mid-day break, so volunteer to run to the store or do a solo project. Whether you need a quiet moment to remember someone you lost this year, or a nap because you’re struggling with serious illness, take the breaks you need.

Schedule what you need

Build time in your schedule to breathe or grieve. Schedule a low-key day, put naps on the calendar, or plan to have someone watch the kids so you can relax.

Block out times on the calendar to be home, to cook for yourself, or to work out. Sometimes self-care means bubble baths, but sometimes it means caring for your body like you would for a child: healthy food, good sleep, and time to play/exercise. Whatever you need, make sure to schedule and prioritize it so it doesn’t get lost in the busyness of the holidays.

Say no

This is SO important. You probably don’t have to cook everything. You also don’t have to bake 43 dozen cookies for church. Or show up to fourteen parties between now and January.

There are so many expectations around the holidays, but I’ve learned I get to decide what feels right to me. For example, I like to make gifts for people, but I can’t manage it for everyone I’d like to. So sometimes I buy something instead. Sometimes, if money is tight, there may not be gifts.

There have been years I haven’t traveled, haven’t decorated, or haven’t made a thing.

When the holidays are especially tough, it’s important to say no to what is too difficult or too triggering. While others may expect something, if the stress is going to give you a panic attack or if you’re going to be crushed under the weight of grief, it’s okay to say no.

Savor what you can

Find what gives you joy, is refreshing, or brings good memories. If something is enjoyable in the moment, just enjoy it. Try to pay attention to how you feel, the same way you savor a favorite food.

This isn’t about denying the ache or pretending to feel better than you really do. This is about taking it moment-by-moment and, when your heart feels happy or full, allowing yourself to feel it.

Don’t “choose joy” – cultivate it

It’s common in Christian circles to hear we just need to “choose joy” when we’re struggling. This can be compounded around the holidays when we’re supposed to celebrate gratitude and the coming of Christ.

But for many of us, it’s not possible to simply decide how we’re going to feel. And it’s not healthy to deny the very pain and humanity that Jesus came to join us in.

Although we can’t “choose joy,” we can cultivate joy. We can learn to find it hidden in the messy and the mundane, in the quiet moments with loved ones and even on our darkest days."

May you find hidden joys, small ones, as you persevere through the holidays. My reaction to it is to agree whole-heartedly, you can choose any one or two of these suggestions and feel better about it. You might surprise yourself!

 "A person's ability to endure is based on their ability to look beyond the physical to the spiritual, and beyond the visible to the invisible..." J. MacArthur

 II Cor. 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at thing that are seen, but at things that are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

  www.beautifulbetween.com/holidays-painful/?ck_subscriber_id=232062059

Christmas Eating

“’Tis the Season” we hear and inside many of us cringe. Too busy, too much food, spending too much, what to give the person who has everything. Oh and did I say over-indulgence runs rampant? Over-extended, over-stressed, and then feeling guilty for not enjoying the season of Peace and Joy. Does that sound familiar? Now, be honest!

 And lest you think I am a Scrooge, advocating cancelling Christmas, please read on. I’d like to suggest, we can get MORE pleasure from this beloved season.

Much is written every year about how to simplify our lives, spend less, nurture more good times with our loved ones, pace ourselves, etc.

But what about eating? It seems that every social event specializes in providing large amounts of rich food, and of course we feel obligated to try it all. It gets to the point where we don’t enjoy it any more, as the feeling of being perpetually full steals the joy of the good flavor. Not to mention the guilt we feel when our pants fit more snugly, and we rue the last 12 desserts we ate.

What strategies work to help us practice self control? Food is certainly meant to be enjoyed, and eating is one of the greatest pleasures afforded humankind! But in our land of plenty, we forget that there are other pleasures too. Hedonism focuses on self and doesn’t take into account the focus on others, on quietness, and the satisfaction that comes from saying “no.”

Practical strategies are the only kind I will even consider writing about.  On a day when you feast because it’s the company Christmas party, then do so with abandon! But the next day, limit your food intake. You really don’t need three big or even average meals on the next day. 

On the day your family celebrates Christmas with a grandiose table loaded with perhaps several meats and treats that you dream about all year long, go ahead and feast to your heart’s content! But the day before and the day after, eat significantly less. Your goal is to enjoy, right?  Well, you will enjoy it even more if you do this.

The law of diminishing returns is always in effect. No matter how much pleasure we derive from things like good food and drink, it will take more to make us feel good. Unless we deny ourselves for a day or two. Then we return to thankfulness mode and appreciate every bite. Hmmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing?!

Another strategy that works is to eat more slowly. Think of the word savor. Teach our children to savor each bite (we can only do that if we learn to do it ourselves), rather than hurry. A small piece of pie or fudge can that way bring us much more satisfaction than a large one. Let yourself notice each aspect of various flavors and textures. Talk about them. Enjoyment will be heightened. Of course, add to that the satisfaction of going home and not needing Tums.

Let’s teach our children the time-honored virtue of Self-control!  What rewards we, and they, will receive from it!

Want to be happy? Here's 4 tips...

Clients come in and most of them say, “I just want to be happy!” Here are four tips to happiness.

1)    Defeat bitterness. Everyone has to battle against it, because all of us are hurt sometimes. There is much pain in this world! We can choose whether to let it fester, in resentment, or give up our right to hurt the person back.  I know people who hold on to bitterness for decades, and my heart goes out to them. They are not happy! It’s a process to forgive and let go of things, and one we all need to learn if we want to lead a fulfilling life. Note: my pastor said recently, that time doesn't heal all wounds. Time heals clean wounds. That mean clean from bitterness.

This quote was on my son’s wedding invitation last month. “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness…” (Iain Thomas)

2)    Be thankful. The opposite of thankful is entitled. You can tell how much “entitlementitis” is robbing you of happiness by how much you complain. Is a complainer happy? There is always something to be thankful for, and you can train yourself to be grateful. Start by writing down three things a day you’re grateful for in a journal (and don’t let yourself repeat any). Train your children to be thankful, so they don’t fall into the way of thinking that says they’re the center of the universe and the world owes them.

3)    Have courage! Don’t let anxiety or fear take over. How much of your thinking is focused on the “what if’s?” Most of these never happen, but they occupy way too much of our thinking. Try this: whenever you’re tempted to think of the “what if’s,” say to yourself “what next?” Then concentrate on making dinner, or fixing the car, or cleaning out the closet…much more productive thinking than focusing on what you can’t control anyway.

4)    Serve others. People who give to others less fortunate than themselves are infinitely more happy than those who like a self-focused life. That’s why people who seem to have it all are many times so discontented. I personally think that that’s why God allows disabilities, suffering, and weaknesses: so we have then opportunity to help others.  Raising or working with children certainly helps us grow up and get rid of our selfishness.

If we can “fight the good fight” and manage to defeat these four things: bitterness, entitlement, fear, and selfishness, we’ll live satisfying and reasonably happy lives.

Let forgiveness, thankfulness, courage, and selflessness characterize our lives!

The Miracle Cure

"The colorful EEG graph shows that my fascination with the river quieted my brain waves." (1) How can we learn to rest in a world so hectic, and so screen-ridden, that our brains get tired? One word answers this: Nature.
Read on...

The Miracle Cure: Hiking!

Are you looking for a miracle cure that will boost your morale, increase your memory, lower stress, and make you more creative?  Search no more: it has been found. It is HIKING. Recent studies have found that the effects of hiking and nature on the brain are phenomenal.

“One of the main reasons for this glut of research is because we’re spending so much less time outdoors, overall. The average American child now spends half as much time outside as compared to only 20 years ago. HALF. Only 6% of children will play outside on their own in a typical week. Conversely, kids are now spending almost 8 hours per day watching television, playing video games, or using a computer, tablet, or phone for recreational purposes…Overall, Americans now spend 93% of their time inside a building or vehicle.”(2)

So, in other words, research has increased in the last few years, and it points to the one thing we all know, but don’t want to admit. Screens are hurting our brains. Here is the good news though. A walk in the park can restore you.

1) Nature really does clear your head.

"According to a study by the National Academy of Sciences, a 90-minute walk through a natural environment had a huge positive impact on participants. In a survey taken afterwards, those people who took the natural walk showed far lower levels of brooding, or obsessive worry. Not only that, but the scientists went a step further and did brain scans of the subjects. They found that there was decreased blood flow to the subgenual prefrontal cortex. What in the world does that mean? Well, increased blood flow to this region of the brain is associated with bad moods. Everything from feeling sad about something, to worrying, to major depression is tied to this brain region." (2) Hiking deactivates it. “Being in Nature allows the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s command center) to rest and recover, like an overused muscle.” (Williams)

2) Unplugging makes you more creative.

“Psychologists Ruth Ann Atchley and David L. Strayer found in their 2012 study that after a four-day-long hike in the wilderness, with no access to technology, participants scored a whopping 50% higher on a test known as RAT, or Remote Associates Test. This is a test that checks your creativity and ability to come up with a fourth item associated with three others. A series of three words are given, for instance, “same, tennis, and head.” The test-taker has to find a fourth word that connects the first three. In this case, the answer is “match.” A 50% increase is a huge leap up in performance by research standards. Problem-solving skills like this are thought to originate in the same area of the brain meaning our ability to think creatively is being overwhelmed by the constant stimulus of digital, indoor living.” And it can be boosted by a walk in the park.

3) Hiking boosts your focus.

“Anyone who has ADHD or has raised a child who has been diagnosed with the disorder can tell you, it’s a daily struggle to maintain grades, work performance, even relationships with friends and family. Medication can help alleviate the symptoms, but it’s less than ideal for solving the problem. Well, what about a good hike? A 2004 study came to the pretty obvious conclusion that getting outdoors and doing something active can reduce the symptoms of ADHD.”  (2) More than that, it can do so for anyone, regardless of age or health.

4) Charge your mind’s batteries with a hike.

“Hiking is a pretty solid aerobic exercise that burns around 400-700 calories per hour. This is great on its own, but aerobic exercise also has a really positive effect on your brain: it improves your memory. It’s even being studied as a way to help seniors fight off dementia, because it doesn’t just increase your ability to store information, it also reduces memory loss.” Outdoor activity has also been shown to improve grades, so why not try it? It has been shown to decrease Cortisol (Wiliams), that’s a good thing as cortisol is the stress hormone.

5) Feel better about yourself.

“According to a 2010 report in the Journal of Environmental Science and Technology, even getting out into nature for five minutes at a stretch is enough to give your self-esteem a substantial upgrade. Spending the entire day outdoors results in a second jump upwards! Walking near water seemed to have the biggest effect, so when planning your next hike, be sure to seek out a location with some great streams, rivers, or lakes.” (2)  It’s worth a try. It lowers high blood pressure, and gives you a sense of calmness that is difficult to explain away.

Is hiking the solution to all of life’s woes? Probably not. But what science is showing is that it’s actually a pretty solid candidate for making everyone’s lives a lot better, with very little input. If you already hike, good for you! If you’d like to start, find yourself a sturdy, comfortable pair of shoes or boots and Hiking is amazing, and will make everyone’s lives a lot better. I mean, it’s free! Find yourself a pair of comfortable shoes or boots, and head to a website like EveryTrail, which can help you find your way to the nearest nature. Even in 1865, it was recognized as a scientific fact that “Occasional contemplations of natural scenes of impressive character is favorable to the health and vigor of men.” (Williams) 

What have you got to lose? I know that as we enter winter season here in Minnesota, it is more difficult to get out. But it is truly worth it! Even for a short time... After all, like to northern German saying goes "There's no such thing as bad weather, only wrong clothing!"

(1) Florence Williams, The Nature Cure” National Geographic, January, 2016

(2) Michael W. Pirrone’s article called “What Hiking Does for the Brain is Pretty Amazing.”   Wildlandstrust.org

Addicted! The Insidious Drug of the 21st Century

“Many children are “hooked” on electronics, and in fact gaming releases so much dopamine—the “feel-good” chemical—that on a brain scan it looks the same as cocaine use. But when reward pathways are overused, they become less sensitive, and more and more stimulation is needed to experience pleasure. Meanwhile, dopamine is also critical for focus and motivation, so needless to say, even small changes in dopamine sensitivity can wreak havoc on how well a child feels and functions.”  (1)

More and more research is coming out on the effect of screens on our children. The suicide rate went up drastically in 2007, in fact it’s more than doubled in the years 2007-2015; no coincidence that that was the year that smartphones became widespread. (2) Screen time and light-at-night worsens suicidal thoughts (3) Light-at-night is a way to express that the unnaturally bright light from screens suppress the hormone melatonin, making it difficult to get to sleep and enter restorative deep sleep. (4) Who can heal their mind without sleep? It’s no wonder that anxiety has reached new proportions in mental health clinics!

I’ve been reading several books on digital distraction, and it is worse than I realized. But the effects on kids, whose brains are not developed yet, is enormous. Did you know that a person’s brain is not finished growing until they are in their mid-twenties? (5) So why are we giving our kids smart phones before that? We do so because of our ignorance, and because everyone else is doing it.

Not everyone knows the facts that were presented in the first paragraph. The same as cocaine use? Are you kidding me? How many fights erupt when you try to limit your kids’ screen time? Do your kids get angry, even aggressive when you tell them to put their phone or iPad down and go outside? Many do. Let me warn you: they’re in danger of becoming (or already are) addicted.

I’ll address the second reason: everyone else is doing it. Recently I read a good quote about leadership. “A leader is someone who leads by example and has the integrity to do the right thing even when it is not popular. A good leader has positive influence over others, inspiring them to become a better person and example for others to model their life against as well.” (6) Do we have to courage to lead by example, even when it’s not popular? Can we model this for our kids? Or do we succumb to the quagmire of peer pressure? Do we change our beliefs to fit in with the group? Too often, I’m sad to say, the answer is yes.

A common fear for many of us is that our children will not fit in. We allow the collective group to decide for us what sports, activities, clothing, and electronic devices they should have or be involved in. What are we teaching our kids? To follow the crowd? We had 3 boys in 4 years, so the pressure was great for them to be in sports, all at once. Thankfully, we made the rule that they could only play sports two out of the four seasons of the year, because I just could not see running around like a mad person, trying to get them to games, practices, etc. Many of my friends did that. Now they are adults, well-adjusted, and setting boundaries for their own families.

Will your child be left out if he or she doesn’t have a smartphone with texting and social media? It’s common to think they will. Thomas Kersting and Arlene Pellicane, both authors and researchers, report that their children are happier and healthier than their peers are! And NOT left out of what matters:, taking face to face, birthday parties, and being with nature. Dr. Dunckley wrote the book Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time. (a mouthful!) In it she cites numerous examples of kids who have been restored to mental health by fasting from screens.

Perhaps you need to regulate your own screen use. Here are some pointers to get started:

1.)   No electronics during dinner. Make a rule that dinnertime is sacred. Conversations cause children’s brains to grow! (Here are 25 questions you can use to get conversations going http://cynthiagill1972.blogspot.com/2018/08/talk-to-my-kid-what-do-i-say.html )

2.)   Be a role model. This means spending less time with your beloved device, especially when your kids are present. Talk to them, make eye contact, teach them empathy, and problem solve with them.

3.)   No screens in the bedroom. Televisions, computers, hand-held devices need to be used in the family room. The temptation is too strong to text or go on social media late at night. At the very least, it will teach your children to interact, and dispel the idea that the world revolves around them and their wants.

4.)   Limit screen time for entertainment purposes to two hours per day. Let your kids experience boredom! Bring out the pencils and paper, books, craft materials, boxes and duct tape, pets, outdoor activities, anything but screens to entertain themselves. Engage with them!

5.)   Your child’s phone is your phone. Make this very clear to her/him, and have a rule that the phone is to be handed to you at a certain time every night. Sleep with it under your pillow if necessary.   (7)

Why don’t you read one of the books listed below and educate yourself on this insidious menace that is invading our world. You could read even part of any one of the books and learn about the phenomena. All of these authors have a website, if you’re inclined to go there for articles, etc. (Most, if not all, of these books are available as audible books too.)  

So, some of you are shaking your heads and saying that this is too radical. All I can say is imagine a world of the future where people lack empathy, lack self-control, lack emotional intelligence, kill themselves in higher numbers, and/or struggle with anxiety and depression all their lives. It’s already happening. It will get worse unless we turn the tide.

We can. Let’s do our part.

Resources:

Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time. By Dr. Victoria Dunckley  Very thorough and scholarly book with many many success stories.

Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids by Dr. Thomas Kersting A very readable book, it’s only 92 pages! He has some good ideas too.

Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World by Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane  Chapman wrote The 5 Love Languages, this book is very positive and very clear, with group discussion questions at the end.

Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction is Hijacking Our Kids and How to Break the Trance by Nicholas Kardaras  A scary book, with solutions.

The Digital Invasion: How Technology is Shaping You and Your Relationships by Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd  Really interesting, it is the oldest of these books, as they were among the first to notice the effects of screens on people.

The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World by Nancy Colier  Good, especially if you like the mindfulness approach.

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World by Kristen Welch  This book is one of my favorites, I love how she has ideas at the end of every chapter, for every age group, on how to raise your kids today.

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex & Brett Harris  This book was written by two teen boys, and remains one of the great challenges both to us and to our kids.

Notes:

1)    Dr. Victoria Dunckley, Screentime is Making Kids Moody, Crazy, and Lazy

2)    (https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/05/30/youth-suicide-rates-rising-school-and-internet-may-blame/356539001/

3)    Dunckley, Reset Your Child’s Brain

4)    Shigakazu Higuchi, et al., Effects of Vdt Tasks with a Bright Display at Night on Melatonin, Journal of Applied Physiology 94, no. 5

5)    Dr. Dan Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child

6)    Dr. Thomas Kersting, Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids

7)    ibid.

7 More Ways to Defeat Depression

Here are some more techniques to overcome depression:

1.     Work on something creative, use your hands. Knitting, sewing, weaving, making cards, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, baking, cooking, play dough sculptures, beading, making jewelry, woodworking. These are just a few of ideas you can use to focus on something that you’re creating, and it feels good!

2.    Cuddle with a pet. If you have one, your love will pour into the animal, and often it will respond to you. If you don’t have one, borrow one. Consider getting one, as they are very therapeutic. Or, go to a pet shelter and cuddle with one there.

3.    Educate yourself. Reading or listening to podcasts about depression may help you to overcome it. There are many books and articles that address it, and do a good job. Finding Hope Again by Drs. Neil T. Anderson and Hal Baumchen is a good one.

4.   Try something new. A new hobby, something that you’ve never thought of trying before, will distract you, and may give you a new lease on life.  Another language (try Duolingo, a free app that allows you to learn languages easily), woodworking, writing letters to prisoners, gardening, any of the things mentioned in #8 above. Befriend a foreigner, write thank you notes to old teachers you liked, get involved with politics, or some cause that you feel strongly about.

5.   Smile  It’s scientifically proven that smiling makes a person feel better.  It uses less muscles to smile than to frown, and it send the message to your brain that there is something to be happy about. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prefrontal-nudity/201208/smile-powerful-tool) It’s also infectious, causing other people to smile, thanks to mirror neurons. Try it!

6.    Ask someone to tell you that this too shall pass. It might even get better tomorrow. Or next week, or next month. This came from a depressed client, and it makes sense. The distorted thinking one has is that it’ll always be this bad. That’s never the case.

7.   Listen to music.  Music stimulates both sides of the brain, and can reach deeper recesses of our soul than talking can. It isn’t understood why, (people who have had strokes can sometimes sing, but not talk), but it often works to calm and to encourage us. Have a playlist of encouraging songs ready to play when you get down, and see if they don’t work.

 

If, however, you are seriously depressed, it would be good to see a professional. Rather than judge you, the counselor will help you learn some useful tools to defeat depression. It’s worth a try! 5 sessions could well be all the person would need.

  A word about medication. I believe that anti-depressants are God’s gift to us, but are to be used sparingly. If a person is very depressed, they might need something to get them back up to feeling decent again. But rarely should the medication be seen as a permanent solution. You need to change your thinking to get well and stay well. Medications in many cases are like the scaffolding on a house that is being built. It’s there for a while, but not there long term. Changing one’s thinking, figuring out and beating the distortions, is how one builds the house.

7 ways to Beat Depression

Depression is rampant in our society, and the next 2 blogs I will be sharing ways to overcome it.

1.      Let yourself be grateful. All of us can find little things to be thankful for. We live in the most affluent nation on earth, and have many blessings that we can say “Thank you” for. Write down three things every day that are different, some specific, small things, that elicit an attitude of gratitude in you.

2.     Volunteer. Help at a homeless shelter, make meals for shut-ins, help out at a place for orphaned animals, visit elderly people in a nursing home, rake your 90 year old neighbor’s yard. All of these get the focus off of yourself, and on to someone else. Who has it worse than you. It’s guaranteed to make a person feel better. 

3.   Exercise. Even a 15 minute walk will produce some endorphins, making you feel better. However you like to exercise: biking, jogging, dancing, pilates, walking, playing tennis or basketball…choose one and then figure out how you can do it several times a week. It really works!

4.    Write. Journaling is a very successful way to overcome depression. Somehow, committing it to paper gets it out of our mind, and articulates it. That’s better than letting it sit in our head and ferment. When I journal, I try to end it with a positive thing. An inspirational saying, a Bible verse, a poem. This lifts my spirits.

5.     Read the Psalms. David was depressed for over half of the Psalms, and minced no words in expressing it. He vents quite vociferously in some places, for God isn’t afraid of emotion! But notice, in every Psalm, there is at least one verse that shows the faithfulness of God. A little light to illuminate the darkness. David knew all about the dark night, the agony of the soul.

6.   Connect with someone. It is the tendency of people who are struggling with depression to isolate themselves. Reach out, even though you don’t feel like it! Ask a safe person if you can vent to them. Let them know that they aren’t to fix you, you just want their listening ear. Don’t stay alone, and it’s best not to do it thru texting. Face-to-face contact is 100% better. 

7.   Pray about it. I mean short prayers, like “God, I have lost hope, please help me.” “What shall I do about this despair?” Then expect God to answer you, even if you have doubts. 

                            If, however, you are seriously depressed, it would be good to see a professional. Rather than judge you, the counselor will help you learn some useful tools to defeat depression. It’s worth a try! 5 sessions could well be all the person would need.

                 A word about medication. I believe that anti-depressants are God’s gift to us, but are to be used sparingly. If a person is very depressed, they might need something to get them back up to feeling decent again. But rarely should the medication be seen as a permanent solution. You need to change your thinking to get well and stay well. Medications in many cases are like the scaffolding on a house that is being built. It’s there for a while, but not there long term. Changing one’s thinking, figuring out and beating the distortions, is how one builds the house.