I cried when I researched this blog. Sobbed. Grieved over the next generation... Viewing pornography has a deep and lasting
impact on children. It affects them relationally, emotionally, intellectually,
neurologically, and spiritually. And with the advent of modern technology, porn
use has changed.
It is now Accessible. All ages can
encounter and consume sexually explicit content.
It is Affordable. In the past, people
paid money for magazines, videos, and books; but now there is a tremendous
amount available for free.
It is Acceptable. Not so many years
ago, it was considered immoral to view porn. Now, however, nine out of 10 young
men say that it’s acceptable; and teens and young adults rate not recycling as
more immoral than viewing porn. (The Porn Phenomenon: The impact of
pornography in the digital age, 2016, A Barna Report, p. 85)
It is Anonymous. Today anyone can watch
pornography without any human contact, whereas before they had to buy a
magazine from a clerk or a worker at a video store.
It is Aggressive. In a study of
behaviors on popular porn, 88% of the sex acts involved physically aggressive
acts towards the women, who nearly always responded neutrally or with pleasure.
(This was shocking to me, and I put down the magazine I was reading, sobbed and prayed.) More insidiously, women would sometimes beg their
partners to stop, then acquiesce and begin to enjoy the activity, no matter how
painful or debasing it was. (Orenstein,P., 2016, “How porn is changing a
generation of girls” TIME, April 11, p. 47)
It is Active. It’s easier than ever to
become an active producer and distributor of porn, rather than simply a passive
consumer. Simply over-share on the Internet, send sexting messages, and the
like.*
So, what’s a parent to do? Dr. Meg Meeker says
“When parents talk openly about what their kids may see and let them know they
are here to help -not criticize- most children will listen. It is important for
parents to tell their kids that pornography will come across their screens
without them even searching for it. They should tell their kids that the
feelings of shame, disgust, and embarrassment they will experience when seeing
pornography are not only normal but also good. These feelings are there to show
kids that pornography harms them. The
most important factor is for parents to address the issue openly and calmly.
They should communicate that their job is to help their children navigate a
world of electronics that is tough and potentially harmful.” (Meeker, M. When
Puberty and Pornography Collide, Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 22, No.1,
p. 33) (bold is mine)
Sean McDowell agrees that the most important
thing is to build close, intimate, and
emotional relationships with your children. “Faith and values are passed on to
kids when there are healthy parent-child relationships.” (Porn and Parenting in the 21st
Century, Christian Counseling Today, Vol.22, No.1, p. 10) He also says two other things. “Talk with you
kids early about sex and pornography.” Not merely the “sex talk,” but whenever
there is an opportunity, bring it up. The other day my granddaughter was
marveling about how the couple next door was planning a wedding. An excellent
opportunity to bring up the fact that living together before marriage is not
God’s way.
Teach kids about the goodness of sex. Not just to wait
until marriage for that dirty thing that if you have it too early you might get
AIDS and die. But God’s view of it: for procreation, pleasure, unity, and to bring
glory to Him. Role-play with your kids: before they find themselves in
situations where they are exposed to porn on another’s device. Role-play
turning away and asking first what they are looking at are vital in
establishing proactive habits among our kids.
Finally, have appropriate technological
boundaries: 1) No use of digital devices in the bedroom! Only in the front
room where others are. 2) Install Covenant Eyes for filtering out devices and
get weekly reports about what they are watching. Note, this is a fence, not a babysitter,
and it only works with accountability and relationship, otherwise the kids just
figure out ways to outsmart it. But used in conjunction with parental guidance,
it is effective. 3) There is no guarantee that a child will get a digital
device at a certain age. They need to first prove that they are responsible. And
then, give them a contract. See http://abcnews.go.com/US/massachusetts-mom-son-sign-18-point-agreement-iphone/story?id=18094401
We can, with intentionality and effort, beat the porn onslaught.
We need to be strong, courageous, and proactive, not passive bystanders in the
battle. The future of our beloved children depends on it!
*(Material taken from Porn
and Parenting in the 21st Century by Sean McDowell, CCT, Vol.
22, No. 1, pp. 10-14)
