“Mrs. Gill, if you could do one thing differently, what
would you do? A former student asked me this question, and I had an answer for
her. “Listen more. Talk at people less.” Show more empathy. Parents and teachers
are notorious for their inability to really listen to their kids, and to show
empathy. But we excel at talking AT them. Explaining why we are right.
Micah J. Murray’s blog captured my attention because as a
therapist, I see it nearly every day in my office. And sadly, in my former
career as a teacher I was guilty of it myself.
http://micahjmurray.com/why-i-dont-cry-to-christians/
The indictment is clear: WE LACK EMPATHY.
Is our inability to empathize due to our arrogance? Head
knowledge is seductive, we think that by educating our youth they will suddenly
say “Oh thanks for straightening me out on that issue” and change! If we can
just convince them of the rightness of our argument, it will have a magic
effect on their hearts.
I actually believe that there are other things involved as
well. Our own personal history is a big factor. Many of us grew up in an
empathy-free zone; our parents were too busy and/or too hurting to listen to
us. Encouragement is in short supply in most families.
But in Christian families, references to God are not
lacking. Children and young people may hear Him referred to when they do
something wrong, or even worse when their parents are angry with them. So they
conclude that He doesn't really care about their hearts either. He is too busy,
too righteous, and too distant. “So why would I devote myself to someone like
that?” they conclude.
Lack of empathy results in shame. My last blog addressed this,
and it is lethal. But rather than focus on the destruction caused by shame
(there are plenty of blogs out there written by young people who have rejected
the faith that express it vividly), let’s look at ways to import empathy into
our relationships.
“I’m so mad at my teacher…”
Rather than immediately correct our young people for their disrespect,
we need to hear their hearts. “Pick your battles” is a common adage for parents
and teachers, but we don't really pay attention to it very well. If we did, we’d
stop and realize that in power struggles no one really wins. The relationship
suffers often-irreparable damage. How much better to meet their hurt with empathy
first. “I hear that you are really angry.” Win their hearts! Later, when they are calmed down, is the time
to engage in collaborative problem solving techniques. “What can you do to
solve this problem? What will work? What CAN you change? How can I help you?”
Better to play the role of consultant, not the rescuer.
That is another major
reason we lack empathy. We want to solve the problem, and rescue our “poor
kids.” Such an underlying belief is rooted in our own shame. In our haste to
make ourselves feel better by solving the problem for them, we deny them the
very empathy they need to grow. Young people need to feel our confidence in
them. It starts with empathy.
Let’s change our paradigm of parenting and teaching. Let’s
snatch this generation back from the arms of the world, that is often more
empathetic than we are. No wonder the anonymous writer of the letter cited
above won't turn to Christians anymore for help. Let’s not let that indictment
be said of us in our families, churches and schools. Let’s slow down and
listen, show our youth that our hearts are big because of a big, loving God. Let's
replace lectures with listening. Save the words for the good times, when hearts
are calm.
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