Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Digging Up Roots Leads to Awesome Stories



I was weeding the garden the other day. Weeds that have shallow root systems were easy to pull out. But those with extensive ones- whoa, watch out! I got to thinking that that is like lies in our mind. Roots of bitterness that go deep, take longer to get out. They’re more persistent. (But we can eliminate them, with hard work and intentionality). How much better that we get them out while they are still young and fresh.

The most amazing story is told of a group of five young families living in Ecuador in 1956. They were concerned about a tribe on the verge of extinction, and as outsiders wanted to bring the understanding of a new way of life to that tribe.  This tribe called the Waodani was very egalitarian, but if anyone offended the other, the only recourse they had was to kill them. Life expectancy was short for these people, as all had family members that had been speared, and each of them lived in fear that they would be next.
  
The five men learned some of their language, and went to the jungles to befriend the Waodani. After several weeks of contact and gift exchanging, they thought they had earned some trust of these people. But, tragically, all five of them were speared to death, as the Waodani became fearful of them.

The wife and sister of two of the men went to live among these people. They were able to teach them a different way to relate to each other, based on forgiveness and mutual respect, and the tribe accepted them. The killers adopted the children of the five slain men. Even 50 years later, the friendships remain; movies and books have been written about this story.  And the Waodani freely tell how they would have all killed each other had these people not shown them different way to live.

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

The story is told of Thomas Edison and his light bulb. When he was inventing it, it took nearly 100 hours to make one. His assistant, a young man, took the light bulb in his hands to carry it upstairs, and crash! He tripped, smashing it into smitherines. Edison did not rebuke him, but reassured him, and calmly told his staff to get busy making another one. Several weeks later, the bulb was finished. With a look of confidence, Edison asked this same young man to carry it upstairs. Did he deserve it? Not really! How do you think he felt about his relationship with his boss after that?

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

Most of us are not in that situation though. We haven’t had a relative murdered, or even a valuable light bulb smashed. It’s the little things that count.

Weeds of resentment begin to take root when we don’t fight fair.

“You always make us late, because you don’t have margin in your life.” This statement breaks two of the rules of fighting fair: it says “ALWAYS” in an attempt to make your point. The second rule it breaks is it says “YOU” in an accusatory way. Guaranteed to elicit a defensive responsive reaction.

How can a person respond, expressing themselves, yet have what John Gottman calls a “gentle startup” to a disagreement? First off she could say “I’m frustrated by how often we are late.” Note that this doesn’t contain the always/never extreme. Extreme statements push us to extreme emotions, NOT what we need when we’re trying to work out a problem. I messages are always better: take responsibility for your own emotions.

“I wish you would have more margin in your life…” instead of accusing the person of having NONE. This removes the element of control. And yet you are expressing yourself. The person then (ideally) would respond “I’m trying.”

This is an example if a gentle start up and an amicable ending to what otherwise could have escalated into a bitter fight.

            The Bible says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1) When fights start with harshness, insults, sarcasm, contempt, they usually end that way. Unresolved. No wonder so many relationships turn sour over the years!
Forgiveness starts with a gentle answer; that’s living the lifestyle of forgiveness. A much better way to live.


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