I was weeding the garden the other
day. Weeds that have shallow root systems were easy to pull out. But those with
extensive ones- whoa, watch out! I got to thinking that that is like lies in
our mind. Roots of bitterness that go deep, take longer to get out. They’re
more persistent. (But we can eliminate them, with hard work and
intentionality). How much better that we get them out while they are still
young and fresh.
The most amazing story is told of a
group of five young families living in Ecuador in 1956. They were concerned
about a tribe on the verge of extinction, and as outsiders wanted to bring the
understanding of a new way of life to that tribe. This tribe called the Waodani was very
egalitarian, but if anyone offended the other, the only recourse they had was
to kill them. Life expectancy was short for these people, as all had family
members that had been speared, and each of them lived in fear that they would
be next.
The five men learned some of their
language, and went to the jungles to befriend the Waodani. After several weeks of
contact and gift exchanging, they thought they had earned some trust of these
people. But, tragically, all five of them were speared to death, as the Waodani
became fearful of them.
The wife and sister of two of the
men went to live among these people. They were able to teach them a different
way to relate to each other, based on forgiveness and mutual respect, and the
tribe accepted them. The killers adopted the children of the five slain men.
Even 50 years later, the friendships remain; movies and books have been written
about this story. And the Waodani
freely tell how they would have all killed each other had these people not
shown them different way to live.
Now THAT’S forgiveness!
The story is told of Thomas Edison
and his light bulb. When he was inventing it, it took nearly 100 hours to make
one. His assistant, a young man, took the light bulb in his hands to carry it
upstairs, and crash! He tripped, smashing it into smitherines. Edison did not
rebuke him, but reassured him, and calmly told his staff to get busy making
another one. Several weeks later, the bulb was finished. With a look of
confidence, Edison asked this same young man to carry it upstairs. Did he
deserve it? Not really! How do you think he felt about his relationship with
his boss after that?
Now THAT’S forgiveness!
Most of us are not in that
situation though. We haven’t had a relative murdered, or even a valuable light
bulb smashed. It’s the little things that count.
Weeds of resentment begin to take
root when we don’t fight fair.
“You always make us late, because
you don’t have margin in your life.” This statement breaks two of the rules of
fighting fair: it says “ALWAYS” in an attempt to make your point. The second
rule it breaks is it says “YOU” in an accusatory way. Guaranteed to elicit a
defensive responsive reaction.
How can a person respond,
expressing themselves, yet have what John Gottman calls a “gentle startup” to a
disagreement? First off she could say “I’m frustrated by how often we are
late.” Note that this doesn’t contain the always/never extreme. Extreme
statements push us to extreme emotions, NOT what we need when we’re trying to
work out a problem. I messages are always better: take responsibility for your
own emotions.
“I wish you would have more margin
in your life…” instead of accusing the person of having NONE. This removes the
element of control. And yet you are expressing yourself. The person then
(ideally) would respond “I’m trying.”
This is an example if a gentle
start up and an amicable ending to what otherwise could have escalated into a
bitter fight.
The Bible says “A gentle answer turns
away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1) When fights
start with harshness, insults, sarcasm, contempt, they usually end that way.
Unresolved. No wonder so many relationships turn sour over the years!
Forgiveness starts with a gentle
answer; that’s living the lifestyle of forgiveness. A much better way to live.
