Everyone experiences disappointment.
The “Not
getting what we hoped for” disappointment happens regularly. Sometimes the disappointment is huge and
life-changing, such as the tragic death of a loved one. Sometimes it is a lower
level disappointment, such as the cancellation of a picnic due to rain. Or
anything in between. Regardless of the type of disappointment, we often
struggle to adjust to our loss.
No wonder I taught my granddaughter the word
“Disappointment” when she was barely two. An important emotion to identify!
There are a
variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful for our long
range emotional and relational health, and some that are not so useful
I remember how I used to deal with disappointment: I had a pity party! “Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.
The most common response to disappointment is to blame. Blame one’s spouse, blame God, blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any combination of these. It is certainly human to assign blame when we are hurt. The anger we feel is normal. I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That disappointment hung between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, that has been resolved.)
There are two emotions that we need to recognize and learn to manage wisely: anger and grief.
Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as threatening. Since anger is a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well-known fact; many are unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling to deal with underlying fear and hurt.
Some people are afraid of anger, especially if they grew up in a family atmosphere where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or self-loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually harms others either mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely expressing angry feelings. The self-talk that fuels it needs to be changed.
Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc. Grieving is a sign of love, our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love. To cope with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe, non-judgmental person.
We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing, are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the hurt will you make room for healing.
Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live with unresolved grief. Undealt-with grief frequently turns to bitterness.
The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s honor our emotions of disappointment and grief. “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change.
I remember how I used to deal with disappointment: I had a pity party! “Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.
The most common response to disappointment is to blame. Blame one’s spouse, blame God, blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any combination of these. It is certainly human to assign blame when we are hurt. The anger we feel is normal. I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That disappointment hung between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, that has been resolved.)
There are two emotions that we need to recognize and learn to manage wisely: anger and grief.
Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as threatening. Since anger is a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well-known fact; many are unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling to deal with underlying fear and hurt.
Some people are afraid of anger, especially if they grew up in a family atmosphere where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or self-loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually harms others either mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely expressing angry feelings. The self-talk that fuels it needs to be changed.
Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc. Grieving is a sign of love, our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love. To cope with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe, non-judgmental person.
We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing, are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the hurt will you make room for healing.
Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live with unresolved grief. Undealt-with grief frequently turns to bitterness.
The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s honor our emotions of disappointment and grief. “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change.
So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold
on to hope. This too shall pass…
No comments:
Post a Comment