Vinegar or Honey? Dealing with Bitterness

BITTERNESS

A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder...

As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!

Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.

Not the best way to live!

Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.

1)      Anger, cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.  Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.

2)     The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.  Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for our emotions to process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.

3)     Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.

4)      Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.

5)     For people of faith, it is valuable to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our ability to hear God’s will.

6)      Some people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness. (It’s not all about me.)

 When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.

 But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least.  Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.

God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.

Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.

Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!

The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?

"Poor me!" Dealing with Disappointment

Everyone experiences disappointment. 

The “Not getting what we hoped for” disappointment happens regularly.  Sometimes the disappointment is huge and life-changing, such as the tragic death of a loved one. Sometimes it is a lower level disappointment, such as the cancellation of a picnic due to rain. Or anything in between.  Regardless of the type of disappointment, we often struggle to adjust to our loss.

 No wonder I taught my granddaughter the word “Disappointment” when she was barely two. An important emotion to identify!

There are a variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful for our long range emotional and relational health, and some that are not so useful

I remember how I used to deal with disappointment: I had a pity party! “Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.

The most common response to disappointment is to blame.  Blame one’s spouse, blame God, blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any combination of these. It is certainly human to assign blame when we are hurt. The anger we feel is normal. I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That disappointment hung between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, that has been resolved.)

There are two emotions that we need to recognize and learn to manage wisely: anger and grief.

Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as threatening.  Since anger is a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well-known fact; many are unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling to deal with underlying fear and hurt.

Some people are afraid of anger, especially if they grew up in a family atmosphere where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or self-loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually harms others either mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely expressing angry feelings.  The self-talk that fuels it needs to be changed.

Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc. Grieving is a sign of love, our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love.  To cope with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe, non-judgmental person.

We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing, are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the hurt will you make room for healing.

Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live with unresolved grief.  Undealt-with grief frequently turns to bitterness.

The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s honor our emotions of disappointment and grief.  “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change. 

So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold on to hope. This too shall pass…