Discouraged and Abused Kids

Oh how we long for kids to see themselves as God does! Here are some ideas for encouraging the discouraged ones. This blog is especially for youth pastors, teachers, and counselors, anyone who works with discouraged youth.

1)    Point out things that they have done right. Chances are they don’t see them; but are painfully aware of what they’ve done wrong! “Did you get up and go to school today? Did you brush your teeth? Did you eat anything?”

2)    Notice something about them. It doesn’t have to be a compliment, in fact many kids can’t receive compliments. “Hey what does that pink bracelet say? That’s an interesting hat.  Your jeans have 3 holes in them, that’s interesting.” Then be ready to listen.

3)    Ask questions that start with “what, how, who, when” but NOT “why.” Asking them “why” questions is very shaming. The only true answer to that question (and they know this) is “Because I’m bad…”  For example “Why did you steal that candy bar?” They probably don’t know, or will give some lame excuse. Don’t put them in that position.

4)    Let them know you are on their side. They feel the whole world (at least the adult world) is against them. You can be on their side and not approve of what they’ve done. Go deeper. Be empathetic. “I can understand that you felt threatened…” Empathy is feeling with someone. Not judging them.

If you win their trust (and this takes time), they may begin to disclose some things to you that you didn’t expect. Be careful. You may need to call Child Protection, it is up to the child protection worker to decide if they pursue it or not.

Youth workers and counselors who seek to help a struggling children risk abusive parents becoming angry, and bringing accusations of wrongdoing. Proverbs 9:7,8 explains it well: “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not correct a scoffer lest he hate you…” In my family counseling profession, that happens all the time. Parents who do not wish to give their children a voice and a choice react negatively, even violently, to the counselor who is working to bring healing. Exposing and correcting abusers is not for the faint of heart!

Some people think that for a person to truly be “abusive”, that person must be volatile, or to display temper outbursts. This is not always the case. I know of situations where the people in authority are “quiet bullies.” They pride themselves in that they never lose their cool. However, their self-righteousness does not allow them to see other people’s points of view. They take their own authority so seriously that they cause much hurt and division in the organizations they are part of. Many, many young people have been hurt in the fallout created by self-righteous “quiet, calm bullies.” 

Much abuse, especially verbal and emotional abuse is almost impossible to prove, so don't try. Just encourage the youth that have come to you. Build up their self esteem gently and quietly. As said, many cannot receive compliment, so go easy on them. Just listening, with no other agenda than to find out about them, does wonders for reaching these alienated young people.

Many teens just need a friend, someone who will listen. They don’t need (or aren’t ready for) advice, and they’re afraid to ask for help. Empathy is the key to connection. Connection heals. Will you be the encourager of the discouraged?