How should I fight?

Fighting Fair

We all fight. But the question is, can we recover from it? And can we go on to have more positive than negative emotion in our relationship?

Following are some thoughts on the subject.

Here’s a list of things to NOT do when you fight:

            * swearing

            * name-calling

            * pushing or hitting

            * slamming doors and stomping

            * throwing items

            * punching walls

            * pointing fingers

            * stonewalling or the silent treatment (after the initial cool down period)

These are destructive behaviors! And they will guarantee that your fight will escalate far beyond where you want it to go.

Here are some more things to add to this list:

·      Using the words “You Always…” or “You Never…”  Come on, these aren’t really true, are they? Does your partner ALWAYS or NEVER do something? These phrases push both of your emotions to the extreme. Not helpful! Try saying “Often,” or “Rarely.” These have a more moderate ring to them.

·      Being ACCUSED of something. For example, “You make me so mad!” is a statement that blames, without the speaker taking any responsibility for his/her emotional reaction. Much better to say “I feel hurt, or disappointed, or yes even mad when you…” At least you’re taking responsibility for your feelings.

To successfully solve a problem you have to identify it. And clarify, clarify, clarify! So the first thing you need to do is to calm yourself down so that you can think rationally. If you need 20-30 minutes to do that, take it. But be sure you re-engage to solve to problem.

John Gottman, the world’s #1 marriage researcher, says that if a couple uses a “harsh start up” going into a conflict, it will most likely end harshly. Insults, sarcasm, contemptuous talk are all harsh start-ups. Use a softer start-up for a better response.

Harsh: “I want Joey to grow up seeing teamwork. I want him to see us as adults and himself as the child rather than seeing me pick up after two kids.”

Softened startup: “You know, I’ve been working twice as many hours as I used to, and I am feeling overwhelmed with the housework. I need some help figuring out how I can get more help from you without feeling like I am nagging.”

Notice in the first one she is harsh, calling him a child. The second one uses what we call “I-messages,” the difference is tremendous!

My own parents did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they did right. I grew up hearing them praise each other. “Dear, you are wonderful!” exclaimed my mother often. It’s for this reason, I believe, that they were able to get their marriage back on track when it got negative.

We need to hear more positive than negative in a week. Let’s fight fair, and then the recovery won’t be so far away to reach!

                      

3 Tips on Forgiveness that You and Your Kids Need to Know

I recently read a good blog post about shaming into forgiveness, which prompted
this one. My son asked me about it, and following is the answer I gave
him.

http://anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/blog

What a good blog that was! I agree with it about 90%. Yes, Christians
are bad (unknowingly) about shaming people into forgiveness. It's one
reason why pastoral counseling often fails. The way I always explain
it is this:

1) There are two parts to your brain: the cognitive part and the
emotional part. The cognitive part can CHOOSE to let go of the hurt,
to not hurt the person back. But the emotional part has to process the
hurt first, maybe for a while, before they can forgive emotionally.
Sometimes, depending on the hurt (abuse, etc) it might take a year or
more.

I differ with your friend because she doesn't articulate the
difference between the cognitive part of the brain and the emotional
part of the brain, thus concluding the "we don't have to forgive if we
aren't ready". It's true, we don't HAVE to forgive, but the
consequences are dire. Not only do we cut ourselves off from God's
forgiveness, but there are ramifications in our body and soul. Who
wants to be a bitter soul?

2) One distinction we need to make is to define what forgiveness is NOT.
It is NOT trusting the person again. Trust is earned; it is behavior
over time. Some people are not trustworthy, and we can never trust
them again. Also, it doesn't always mean reconciliation. A person can
forgive without being reconciled: by choosing to give up the right to
hurt the person back.

I've found that one of the reasons people don't forgive is that they
don't understand the definition of forgiveness; (they think it means
trusting again or reconciling). It is a GOAL to forgive emotionally,
and it might take a while.

3) What this means for parenting is this. DON'T pressure the little ones
to forgive while they are still hurting. It re-victimizes the victim!
Rather, tell the offender that she has to make restitution for it.
Three times over, or a big thing like offer something of hers for her
sister to play with. That way she can sit in her guilt for a while,
and then make amends so the victim will trust her. Mention forgiveness
later, maybe hours later, when there's not negative emotion simmering.
Otherwise you will shame them into forgiving prematurely.

So, the saying “forgive and forget” is not really a very good one. Our
minds are not made that way! Rather, we should say “forgive and let
them earn your trust back.”  But that doesn’t slip off the tongue so easily; it lacks the alliteration! Does anyone have a good one to replace it?

Anyway, avoid shaming your kids, yourself, and others into forgiveness. Choose to give up your right to hurt them back, then allow your self (or them) time to process and heal.  It works so much better!

Discouraged and Abused Kids

Oh how we long for kids to see themselves as God does! Here are some ideas for encouraging the discouraged ones. This blog is especially for youth pastors, teachers, and counselors, anyone who works with discouraged youth.

1)    Point out things that they have done right. Chances are they don’t see them; but are painfully aware of what they’ve done wrong! “Did you get up and go to school today? Did you brush your teeth? Did you eat anything?”

2)    Notice something about them. It doesn’t have to be a compliment, in fact many kids can’t receive compliments. “Hey what does that pink bracelet say? That’s an interesting hat.  Your jeans have 3 holes in them, that’s interesting.” Then be ready to listen.

3)    Ask questions that start with “what, how, who, when” but NOT “why.” Asking them “why” questions is very shaming. The only true answer to that question (and they know this) is “Because I’m bad…”  For example “Why did you steal that candy bar?” They probably don’t know, or will give some lame excuse. Don’t put them in that position.

4)    Let them know you are on their side. They feel the whole world (at least the adult world) is against them. You can be on their side and not approve of what they’ve done. Go deeper. Be empathetic. “I can understand that you felt threatened…” Empathy is feeling with someone. Not judging them.

If you win their trust (and this takes time), they may begin to disclose some things to you that you didn’t expect. Be careful. You may need to call Child Protection, it is up to the child protection worker to decide if they pursue it or not.

Youth workers and counselors who seek to help a struggling children risk abusive parents becoming angry, and bringing accusations of wrongdoing. Proverbs 9:7,8 explains it well: “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not correct a scoffer lest he hate you…” In my family counseling profession, that happens all the time. Parents who do not wish to give their children a voice and a choice react negatively, even violently, to the counselor who is working to bring healing. Exposing and correcting abusers is not for the faint of heart!

Some people think that for a person to truly be “abusive”, that person must be volatile, or to display temper outbursts. This is not always the case. I know of situations where the people in authority are “quiet bullies.” They pride themselves in that they never lose their cool. However, their self-righteousness does not allow them to see other people’s points of view. They take their own authority so seriously that they cause much hurt and division in the organizations they are part of. Many, many young people have been hurt in the fallout created by self-righteous “quiet, calm bullies.” 

Much abuse, especially verbal and emotional abuse is almost impossible to prove, so don't try. Just encourage the youth that have come to you. Build up their self esteem gently and quietly. As said, many cannot receive compliment, so go easy on them. Just listening, with no other agenda than to find out about them, does wonders for reaching these alienated young people.

Many teens just need a friend, someone who will listen. They don’t need (or aren’t ready for) advice, and they’re afraid to ask for help. Empathy is the key to connection. Connection heals. Will you be the encourager of the discouraged?