How can I motivate someone to change?
Sometimes, we just need to get a family member or friend to
change. Whether it’s desperation to help them avoid pain, remove themselves
from a bad situation, or a host of other good-hearted reasons, we often attempt
to motivate someone to change something in their life. We use every trick in
our book to convince them to listen to us, but so often nothing works. Or, if
they DO change in the way we’ve suggested, they soon revert back to the old
behaviors.
Why?
Maybe we are doing things the wrong way. Rather than
touching and tapping into the person’s own inner strengths, we are trying to
control them from the outside.
Every person eventually grows to a level of maturity where they
begin to think for themselves. They want to express themselves. They want to
make their own choices. Yet, too often we try to influence in ways that do not
respect their right to have a voice and a choice. Those who are effective in
motivating others to change, focus on facilitating and engaging the person’s intrinsic
motivation. Lasting behavior change only happens when the person is
motivated from the heart, or intrinsically.
Here are four ineffective means we use to motivate people,
contrasted with four effective ways that tend to work. Notice that the
effective ways each incorporate the recognition of the person’s identity and
free will. The ineffective methods are familiar, no doubt all of us can relate
to them.
1)
We use confrontation, rather than collaboration
2)
We use education, rather than evocation
3)
We use authority, rather than autonomy
4)
We use explanation rather than exploration
Confrontation
breeds conflict. Rather than directly pointing out the errors in the other
person’s thinking, how about approach them with the attitude: How can we solve this together?
This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as are based on the
assumption that “I am right and you are wrong.” Such self righteous phrasing communicates to the person that we think they
are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative problem solving shows them that
we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be
“right.”
Education
is good, but not so good for motivating. However, the default mode of many
parents, teachers, and other authorities is the lecture. Talking at a
person is belittling, and only a tiny fraction of the content is retained by
the listener. Why do we bother? Rather, we can use such things as reflective
listening to engage with them and gain their trust. “I
heard you say…” “You strike me as very perceptive (intelligent, courageous,
etc.)” “I liked your comment, your story
about…” Reflective listening and affirming character qualities are two
helpful tools to engage and gain their trust. Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be different?" or "How does <_____>_ interfere
with things that you would like to do?" What do you stand to lose? How
does this line up with your goals?
Authority,
as I wrote about in an earlier blog post, has been so misused that young people
have built up an immunity to it. The
person wielding the authority has to either win the trust of the person he/she
is speaking to, OR they need to threaten some type of force, punishment, or
consequence. Obviously during emergencies or when dealing with very young
children invoking authority is right and proper. But when trying to motivate another adult to change, the use of
authority is highly ineffective. The words “bully”, or “abusive” are
appropriate, and, unfortunately, in religious systems, “spiritual abuse.” You
can more effectively motivate people by helping them identify their goals and
then plan the next steps. Goals can be small, important to them, specific,
realistic, and oriented in the present and/or future. “What’s one thing you can do, a baby step in that direction that will
work for you?” Respect for their autonomy is a vital component of truly
motivating others to make better decisions. And it will help them learn to
trust authority more, as they will see that authority can be there to build
them up, not just tear them down.
Explanation
falls into the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words,
which go unheard and which fuel discouragement. Instead, EXPLORE with them. Ask
them to look at their readiness: “How important on a scale of 1-10?” and their
willingness: “How desperate are you?”.
Both these are helpful. Sometimes they need to explore how realistic their goal
is: “What do you need to do this?”
Engaging in problem-solving together to
see how they can get what they need to help them reach their goal is highly
motivating and encouraging.
Let’s
learn to work with our friends, older children, and colleagues rather than
against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in our families, places of
work, and faith communities!
