I wish I smoked...

“I wish I smoked!”

I heard that in a conversation with a friend.  Who says that?!  It was the first time I had heard that.

“Why?” I asked, not showing my surprise.

“Because then I’d get to have breaks every few hours to calm my nerves,” my friend replied. “The rest of us have to just keep on working.”  

“Hmmm, you have a point there,” I answered.

No breaks. No matter if you’re a Type A or not, that’s a drag. Smokers get a break, non-smokers don’t. 

Well, how about you take a non-smoke break, a calm-myself-down break? A soul break. We’re too rushed, we react to pressure all around us and don’t take time to smell the roses. As a result, we are anxious much of the time. Anxiety is America’s number one mental health problem in recent years, surpassing depression.

So, how do we take a soul break? Without nicotine?

Here are some suggestions.

1.     Deep breathe. Taking 4-8 deep breaths, from your diaphragm, like your music teacher used to tell you, does wonders for calming an anxious soul. I count to 4 when inhaling and 6 when exhaling. Some folks like to breathe in through their nose and out through their mouth. Use whatever works for you.

2.     Visualize a tranquil scene. What colors do you see there? What sounds would you hear? What would you feel on your skin, temperatures and textures? What would you smell? If you were going to eat or drink something associated with this beautiful place, what would it taste like? Let yourself enjoy this quiet place for a few minutes.

3.     Do a mindfulness exercise: Notice 5 colors. Now notice 5 sounds.  Now take your hands and notice 5 textures (e.g. smooth, rough) in the clothing or furniture around you. Next, think of 5 things you are thankful for. It’s amazing how this little exercise will calm you, and it takes just 2-3 minutes.

4.     Meditate on nature. What do you see that is beautiful? Clouds, trees, the leaves on a bush. Even in the dead of winter in Minnesota, there is something lovely to notice.

5.     Progressive Muscle Relaxation. Starting with your hands, tense and relax each set of muscles. Pay particular attention to your jaw, your neck, and your mid-section. This can last as long as you want it to. It’s a good one when you can’t get to sleep.

6.     Meditate on a Scripture or some inspirational quote. Maybe something from a song. Just stop long enough to clear your mind and harken back to that saying and it will keep you centered on the Lord in the midst of a hectic day.

When we are stressed, our bodies produce excess adrenaline, which is harmful. Dr. Archibald Hart, in his excellent book The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress says this: “Adrenaline surges should not be allowed to continue beyond the immediate legitimate emergency that provokes them. As soon as possible... you should bring down your level of arousal.” (p. 132) He suggests self-talk to do this:

“What is really important in life? If I hurry, will I get the friendships and respect of others that I long for? Look around at the faces of others. Are they missing something? Slowing down will give me an encouraging word to say to them…”

Heart attacks, strokes, and other complications are the result of adrenaline overload. Earlier this year I had a stroke, and have been learning to slow down ever since. Don’t wait until you are forced to!   Stop, take a soul break every few hours. It is really very rewarding, and you’ll work smarter than those nicotine addicts you were envying before!

What Do Your Children Marinate In?

Who has the power to “set the thermostat” of the environment in our homes and places of work? WE do! Do we want the atmosphere to be bitter and negative, or healthy, hope-filled? Parents, our children marinate in the atmosphere of our homes. They are looking to us to see how we cope with the challenges of life! Following are some tips on maintaining a positive and confidence-building atmosphere:

1) Listen to yourself. How many times do you hear yourself doing one of the big 3 C’s:

complaining, criticizing, or being cynical? Count how many times you say the word “frustrated”, “annoyed,” or other such words. What comes out of our mouth is indicative of what is in out hearts, so some time for reflection is in order if we are speaking too much negativity. Ration for yourself how many times you will allow yourself to express negativity per day.  Cynicism imparts the attitude that we are powerless, research suggests that we CAN actively work to change that. Learned helplessness does not benefit anyone.

2) Develop a supply of positive phrases that you can say to help you cope with life’s challenges.

 Here are some suggestions to get you started:

“Well, the good things about ____ far out weigh the bad.”

“It could be worse. We could live in ____ were there is no food, medical care, infrastructure, etc.”

“If this is the worst thing that happens all day (or all week) that is not TOO bad!”

3) Combat anxiety by speaking truth to yourself.

“What’s the worst case scenario?” “What would I do in that case?”

“Is anyone going to die?” (if we run out paper today, etc.)

“What is the likelihood of that happening?”

4) Here are some techniques to help us overcome anxiety:

a. Change the “What if’s” to “What next?” This switches our thinking from the imaginary to the

real: from awfulizing to seeking solutions, from the huge, nebulous, fear-filled unknown   to the next concrete step we can take. It empowers us and most importantly changes our

 focus.

b. Our focus determines our experience! What am I focusing on? The negative? If ten people

 compliment my new haircut, and only one says she doesn’t like it, do we focus on the

 ONE negative?!

c. Choose to believe that “I am not a victim, I can control my attitude about this. Although I

 cannot control other people or the circumstances, I can control my own attitude.”

d. When we make mistakes, we need to admit it, and then stop beating ourselves.  “I made a

 mistake, that doesn't mean I have no value, nor does it negate all the good in my life.”

 One person said, “There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons.” What can I learn from this one?

e. People of faith recognize that ultimately humans are not in control.  This is very helpful to

 remind ourselves if our belief system includes the idea that in all things God works for

 the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. It allows us to relinquish control.

5.) List all the positive things that happened today (or this morning, or about this event, in this situation, etc.). Work hard at counting/listing your blessings and giving thanks. This skill is very simple and many have heard it for years. Interestingly enough, it is gaining prestige as one of the “newest” discoveries in the field of psychology!

Thankfulness is a very valuable weapon in our quest to defeat anxiety, depression, and “entitlementitis.” But it needs to be intentional, and it is taught best by example. Rather than preaching at someone “you should be more thankful,” list things YOU are grateful for, and then ask them to follow your example.

6) Make it a goal to say at least one positive thing to as many family members & friends as possible, and to yourself each day.

7) Quiet yourself. Take a few minutes to meditate on something of beauty and wonder, it will change your perspective. A quiet heart can receive from God. In our noisy culture we forget the power of stillness. Some call it the “gentle whisper” or “still small voice.” Peace and a hopeful attitude simply will not happen if we are constantly allowing ourselves to be bombarded with external stimuli, including screens! Addiction to screens creates a climate for anxiety to skyrocket.

Whether we are raising children, or working in another setting, perhaps with no children around, we will have a higher quality of life if we learn to be more positive.  Far from being a “Pollyanna,” we will have a quiet confidence that draws others to us, and commands their respect.  Does the world need such qualities?

Parenting 101

It is said that a parent spells LOVE to a child with these four letters: TIME.  Yet, in our hectic, rushed lifestyle, how do we manage to carve out time for our families? In his excellent book Connecting with Our Kids, Dr. Tim Smith makes a strong case for spending “down time” with each other to nurture those vital relationships. After all, at the end of their lives, who ever says that they wish they had spent more time at the office or on the road? 

 Equally as problematic however, is the tendency to over schedule our children. They are involved in everything: dance lessons, strength training, SAT test coaching, youth group, sports, music lessons, etc., all good things. But there is left little time for creative play, or with teens for simply discussing ideas.

Do you know the single common factor that all families with honor students engaged in? It is not higher education of the parents or socio-economic status, rather it is family dinners together! This is also clear in the study of healthy families that turn out kids most likely to avoid the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and immorality.  Why does the simple fact of eating together have such a drastic effect on children and youth? It has to do with the conversation at the table. Children’s’ brains are developing and they need opportunities to converse with parent, to be heard and to express themselves. At the table all are equal, and there is a certain intimacy that comes from eating together. Teenagers especially need to be able to try out their newly developing deeper thinking and logic skills (that’s why they argue so much!). Wise parents dialogue with them, gently and respectfully, firmly guiding them into truth.

We can learn some practical tips from those who have successfully raised their children. One of those is my pastor, Rob Ketterling, who makes the following suggestions.

1)    Each quarter give them something to look forward to. Otherwise “sometime” never comes. Example: Going to grandma’s, going to a game… you can do that once a quarter!

2) When they are 10, they get to choose a place to go on vacation. When they are 13, have a little ceremony where you have two adults speak into their lives. They should know them, and share some godly encouragement with them and also a warning.

3) If you spank, never do so such that it leaves a mark. It should never be out of control, both parents should be there to quell the other ones anger. Better to wait than to spank then in anger.

4) Express affection to your spouse in front of them; this is very important.

5) They should go on a missions trip when teenagers. Go on a family one.

6) Too much of anything is not good. Too much discipline without nurture is like putting weed killer all over your lawn! How can it grow up when there is too much correction on it? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you neglect the kids by letting them do whatever they want. But most Christian parents err on the side of constantly correcting their child.  “Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Be careful…!” Are there 5 times as many good positive things as negative that your child hears?

7) Is your faith just a part of your life, on the fringe? Or is it vital, woven into every aspect of the kid’s life? Get as excited about when the child reads God’s word on his own; loves to tithe on his own; prays for missions on his own…as his earning power, his grades, her goal in soccer.

Our society is not family friendly. The skills needed to succeed at business are antithetical to those needed to develop strong family relationships. Let’s spend TIME with our children, building them up, nurturing their hearts. Let’s swim against the tide.

Authority & the Next Generation

Encourage!

Authority and the Next Generation

We strive to keep our ear to the ground, listening to the heartbeats of our children and their peers.

So often we hear, "I don't trust authority!" 

Why is this? In spite of our numerous admonitions to respect their parents, teachers, coaches and other adults as they were growing up, our children are pushing back. Why?

Perhaps it has something to do with our abuse of authority.

My husband and I relate to many young people who have grown up in churches where reverence, obedience, and respect for authority were taught continually! Where did we, the Church, go wrong?

Did we over-emphasize the concept of authority? Did we go too far in our efforts to control our children’s behavior?

Children who are over-controlled do not learn to think for themselves. They understand only fear, and instead of finding their own way, they will readily follow another tyrant who will tell them what to do. Authoritarian parents send them the message "You can't do this on your own, I need to do your thinking for you. So do what I say, unquestioningly." How discouraging this is to kids! No wonder many are so emotionally immature.

Many have turned to other philosophies that repudiate the idea of trusting and obeying the principles their parents hold dear. With the shift has come a drastic change in their values as well.  Many well-meaning parents end up discouraged, despairing, and very confused.

I believe that, for many, the answer lies in understanding a concept known as spiritual abuse.  Religious systems teach that God exists and is the Ultimate Authority. But the parents, teachers, and religious leaders often misrepresent this God that they speak of as Love.

Well-meaning parents, pastors, and others use Bible verses, spiritual principles, lectures, and punitive measures to control their children.  Such harsh methods do not allow a young person to express his or her voice, which is so vital to healthy development. These methods may work for a while, primarily while the kids are young.  But eventually the children will reject the message, "You can't think for yourself, so do it my way!" It’s is too discouraging. So they will rebel, crying out for justice.   

Disrespect, contempt, and even aggression characterize way too many parents', teachers' and pastors' approaches. Children imitate the character of their parents. Is it any surprise that many are now disrespectful and contemptuous of authority?

As parents, teachers and leaders, we need to 1) recognize the error of our ways, 2) ask our children to forgive us, 3) educate ourselves about spiritual abuse, and 4) respect our children’s voice, even if we don't agree with it. 

Can we learn to disagree respectfully? Let's do so, and model it for the next generation.

   

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About Me

Cynthia Gill

I am passionate about helping the next generation. For this reason I work with marriages, teach parenting skills, and co-authored a book on parenting. Jump-Starting Boys: How to Help Your Reluctant Learner Find Success in School and Life, (2013, Viva) I care very deeply about such issues as sexual exploitation, the injustices of modern day sex slavery.

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Teaching Kids Empathy Part II

The other day I saw a mom instructing her young children to put some groceries into the ICA food shelf bin in Cub Foods. “How awesome!” was my first thought. “She’s teaching them to give!” As I reflected on this act of kindness, I realized that depending on her own attitude, she could foster one of two thought patterns in these very impressionable minds. One possibility is self-righteousness. “Well, that’s done. Glad we did our good deed for the day. Aren't we generous?  Too bad everyone isn't like us!” Or, speaking to the children: “Can you imagine how sad the people must feel if they don't have enough food? Maybe their mommy or daddy lost their job and all they have is Ramen to eat. It's a small thing we can do to help them feel a little better. And if our heart is right it honors our Creator.” In the second example, the parent nurtures their hearts, teaching them to feel for others.

“To see with the eyes, to hear with the ears, to feel with the heart of another…” this quote is from Alfred Adler, who taught people how to love their neighbors as themselves very effectively.

Here are some practical ideas for teaching empathy. These are taken from a magazine called Family Fun, November 2014. http://www.parents.com/familyfun-magazine

1)    Have a kindness day. Leave coloring books & crayons at the pediatric ER, take drawings to the assisted living facility, shake hands with elderly residents, take cookies to the police & fire stations.

2)     Read books on compassion like The Kindness Quilt by Nancy Wallace. Discuss them as a family.

3)     Have them plant a garden and give vegetables in it to the local food bank

4)     Start a lemonade stand to raise money for cystic fibrosis research. (Or some other disability like MS if you know someone that has it) The kids can do all work themselves: make signs, mix up the lemonade, bake cookies, serve the guests, and thus experience the joy that comes from giving.

5)    Once a month do a family service project. Read stories to hospice patients, make cards for people in the local nursing home (for whatever holiday it is that month), give toys to single moms or food to foodshelves. Let the kids brainstorm and come up with these types of projects on their own in family meetings.

6)    Operation Christmas Child packs boxes for kids that otherwise have no Christmas gifts. Feed My Starving Children gives affluent kids the opportunity to pack food for families with less, and not only get a glimpse into their world but empowers them to do something about it.

7)    Assemble packages to keep in the car and give to the homeless. Some ideas are granola bars, fruit snacks, McDonald’s gift cards. Then when you pass a homeless person on a corner, they are ready for children to give them out.

8)    Take roses to nursing home. Find out from the front desk which patients have few or no visitors so they can know someone is thinking of them.

9)    Do your children sing? Even the simplest songs bring joy to the elderly and kids in the cancer ward.

Our culture does not teach kids to Love well. Let's teach them how!

Teaching Kids Empathy (Part 1)

Whether you are 4 or 84, or anywhere in between, the heart cry goes up “I need friends!” Loneliness strikes all of us, because we are human and designed for relationship.  In an age of unprecedented individualism, how do we teach our children to make friends, to be friends, and to fill that gaping relational hole that they will certainly try to fill somehow as they grow older? How do we teach them to connect?

The answer is simple. Teach them to love better rather than to feel better. Not easy, but simple. Successful parents believe that there are practical and effective ways do that, even in a world that is saturated with the “me-first” mindset!

While we as humans have always been selfish and self-interested, our culture has intensified those tendencies in recent history with movements in the 1960s and 1970s glorifying self-knowledge and self-fulfillment, and more recently with a middle schooler's ability to broadcast his or her image and ideas around the world in an instant. While plenty of good has come from those ideas and that technology, the trend towards self-aggrandizement and away from empathy is clear.

How vital that we first believe in our own hearts that parents remain the number one influence in the children’s lives regarding relational decisions. We CAN and we will teach them to swim upstream like salmon against the prevailing attitudes that surround us. But we need to work hard; salmon are not lazy.

So, my next several months’ blogs will focus on how to teach and model empathy. In an excellent article by Lennon Flowers, he defines empathy as  “ to understand the thoughts and feelings of others, and adjust their actions accordingly.”  Here are five simple tips he suggests that you can implement with your children.

1. Use that library card
Reading fiction is a powerful tool for building empathy. By stepping into an imagined world, kids learn to understand and appreciate perspectives that are different from their own. When reading a book to your child or discussing it later, be careful to discuss not only what happened, but why it happened -- why did a particular character feel that way and what led him or her to make a certain choice? Remember to read slowly enough to allow the child to grasp the story, I’ve heard parents reading too fast, maybe to “get through the chapter,” which defeats the purpose. Use the story to connect.

2. Choose video games wisely, not all are made equal

While there's continued debate as to whether or not violent video games make kids more prone to violence, their impact on kids' empathic abilities is more certain. Researchers have found that young children who play violent video games are less likely to feel bad when their friends are upset, and are more likely to hit back when hit. Check out this list of empathy-building video games and apps for kids ages 0-12 from Common Sense Media.

3. Encourage group play

Recess isn't just a time to burn off steam. It's also a time when kids learn valuable conflict resolution skills and develop socially and emotionally. Speak out before your child’s school puts recess on the chopping block and think twice before banning playtime as punishment. Check out this database from the folks at Playworks for a list of games that encourage safe and healthy play. 
Get your kids outdoors at home with neighbors or siblings; they need to exercise, to engage, and to experience life with all five of their senses. Connection happens when they experience things together, and the best ones are often unplanned. So get ready…summer is almost here!  Back off, if you tend to be a helicopter mom, and let the kids learn.

4. Make your priorities clear

Doing well on tests at school is just one measure of success. Of equal importance is your child's social and emotional fitness -- his or her ability to forge meaningful relationships and to work with others to solve a problem. Call out the occasions when your child demonstrates empathy and celebrate it with the same fervor you celebrate good grades.  Talk about character qualities like perseverance, patience, self-control, and compassion. Give them examples of these qualities, and model them. “Catch” them showing these things.

5. Model it

Above all, remember that you are your child’s best teacher. Share stories in which you have also felt sad or vulnerable. Be careful to name the feeling and what caused it and what you did to overcome it. Before leaping to harsh punishments when your child hurts someone else, ask how he or she thinks that makes the other person feel, and how he would feel if someone did that to him. Often, misbehavior is a signal of an underlying unmet need. Help your child articulate why he behaved that way, and what he might do differently in the future.

We CAN transform our families into environments that promote “loving well.” With determination, intentionality, and effort parents can teach our children the how-to's of empathy. What a gift! Let’s give our children the joy of unselfish giving. These children tend to find friendships and fulfillment as we guide them from self-focus into truly authentic caring.
I don’t doubt empathy is part of what John meant when he wrote, “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue but in deed and in truth.” I Jn. 3:18

It's a Family Huddle...

An excellent way to improve self-esteem, build character, teach collaborative problem solving, and give children voice is to hold family meetings. Here are several tips for conducting them:

1) Start with appreciations or compliments. Each person tells other family members something they appreciate about them in the past week. “I appreciate how you helped me with the dinner last night.” “I think you were generous when you gave your cookie to Joey.”

2) Choose a topic to discuss and ask for input on how to solve it. “Let’s talk about how to deal with the problem of computer time. How can we stop the fighting that happens after school when everyone wants to use it?”

3) Each family member takes a turn suggesting solutions to the problem. Treat each other with respect, regardless of whether you agree with their idea.

4) Set ground rules: no interrupting, no put-downs, keep a calm voice. Everyone needs to feel safe and heard. The goal is to solve the problem (if possible) but even more importantly, to teach mutual respect.

5) Brainstorm! This is a valuable skill to teach. Can you collectively come up with eight possible solutions? The key is to refrain from judging or evaluating the potential solutions until you are done brainstorming. It’s fun and energizing to let the creative juices flow.

6) If a problem cannot be solved in a meeting, table it until the next one.

7) End the meeting with a treat and a fun activity if possible.

8) Remember, meetings are more effective if you have them every week, not on the parent’s whim or only when there is a crisis.

9) Rather than engaging in an argument in the heat of the moment, say, “Let’s put this on the agenda for the next family meeting.” That gives you and the kids the opportunity to cool down, and they will look forward to being heard. Keep the family meetings a forum for thoughtful discussion.

10) Start and end the meetings on time. Set a timer so the kids know it will not drag on. Keep them short (fifteen minutes if you have preschoolers, thirty to forty minutes maximum if you have teens).

More family meetings advice is offered in Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline books.

This is taken from chapter 10 of Jump-Starting Boys: Help Your Reluctant Learner Find Success in School and Life, publ. 2013 by Viva Editions.