Teaching Kids Empathy (Part 1)

Whether you are 4 or 84, or anywhere in between, the heart cry goes up “I need friends!” Loneliness strikes all of us, because we are human and designed for relationship.  In an age of unprecedented individualism, how do we teach our children to make friends, to be friends, and to fill that gaping relational hole that they will certainly try to fill somehow as they grow older? How do we teach them to connect?

The answer is simple. Teach them to love better rather than to feel better. Not easy, but simple. Successful parents believe that there are practical and effective ways do that, even in a world that is saturated with the “me-first” mindset!

While we as humans have always been selfish and self-interested, our culture has intensified those tendencies in recent history with movements in the 1960s and 1970s glorifying self-knowledge and self-fulfillment, and more recently with a middle schooler's ability to broadcast his or her image and ideas around the world in an instant. While plenty of good has come from those ideas and that technology, the trend towards self-aggrandizement and away from empathy is clear.

How vital that we first believe in our own hearts that parents remain the number one influence in the children’s lives regarding relational decisions. We CAN and we will teach them to swim upstream like salmon against the prevailing attitudes that surround us. But we need to work hard; salmon are not lazy.

So, my next several months’ blogs will focus on how to teach and model empathy. In an excellent article by Lennon Flowers, he defines empathy as  “ to understand the thoughts and feelings of others, and adjust their actions accordingly.”  Here are five simple tips he suggests that you can implement with your children.

1. Use that library card
Reading fiction is a powerful tool for building empathy. By stepping into an imagined world, kids learn to understand and appreciate perspectives that are different from their own. When reading a book to your child or discussing it later, be careful to discuss not only what happened, but why it happened -- why did a particular character feel that way and what led him or her to make a certain choice? Remember to read slowly enough to allow the child to grasp the story, I’ve heard parents reading too fast, maybe to “get through the chapter,” which defeats the purpose. Use the story to connect.

2. Choose video games wisely, not all are made equal

While there's continued debate as to whether or not violent video games make kids more prone to violence, their impact on kids' empathic abilities is more certain. Researchers have found that young children who play violent video games are less likely to feel bad when their friends are upset, and are more likely to hit back when hit. Check out this list of empathy-building video games and apps for kids ages 0-12 from Common Sense Media.

3. Encourage group play

Recess isn't just a time to burn off steam. It's also a time when kids learn valuable conflict resolution skills and develop socially and emotionally. Speak out before your child’s school puts recess on the chopping block and think twice before banning playtime as punishment. Check out this database from the folks at Playworks for a list of games that encourage safe and healthy play. 
Get your kids outdoors at home with neighbors or siblings; they need to exercise, to engage, and to experience life with all five of their senses. Connection happens when they experience things together, and the best ones are often unplanned. So get ready…summer is almost here!  Back off, if you tend to be a helicopter mom, and let the kids learn.

4. Make your priorities clear

Doing well on tests at school is just one measure of success. Of equal importance is your child's social and emotional fitness -- his or her ability to forge meaningful relationships and to work with others to solve a problem. Call out the occasions when your child demonstrates empathy and celebrate it with the same fervor you celebrate good grades.  Talk about character qualities like perseverance, patience, self-control, and compassion. Give them examples of these qualities, and model them. “Catch” them showing these things.

5. Model it

Above all, remember that you are your child’s best teacher. Share stories in which you have also felt sad or vulnerable. Be careful to name the feeling and what caused it and what you did to overcome it. Before leaping to harsh punishments when your child hurts someone else, ask how he or she thinks that makes the other person feel, and how he would feel if someone did that to him. Often, misbehavior is a signal of an underlying unmet need. Help your child articulate why he behaved that way, and what he might do differently in the future.

We CAN transform our families into environments that promote “loving well.” With determination, intentionality, and effort parents can teach our children the how-to's of empathy. What a gift! Let’s give our children the joy of unselfish giving. These children tend to find friendships and fulfillment as we guide them from self-focus into truly authentic caring.
I don’t doubt empathy is part of what John meant when he wrote, “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue but in deed and in truth.” I Jn. 3:18