8 Simple Prayers to Help Your Marriage

Last week I was in Rwanda teaching a marriage seminar, and several participants asked me to publish these. They are simple, short, and when prayed from the heart can release tremendous power from God. Whether you want to make a good marriage better or heal a hurting one, research has shown that prayer makes a big difference.

8 Simple Prayers that Help Marriages

1.     Lord, give us tender hearts for each other and for You.  This is a powerful prayer. It’s based on Matt. 19:8 where Jesus says that “because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you divorce.” When we get hurt, we harden our hearts which leads to emotional separation. Pray this daily for our spouses and ourselves! Even several times a day may not be too often.

2.     Help us to hear You together. In Is. 30:18-21 we learn that He longs to bless us and that He will direct us. How vital to develop the ability to hear His guiding voice in unity! Pray to “hear” and then tell each other what you’ve heard from God. Then pray again to choose a course together.

3.     Lord, what should I say and what should l not say? Help me know how much to say, when to say it, and if I could keep silent on this issue. Prov. 15:23 say that an apt answer brings joy. There are many other Proverbs that speak of the danger of using too many words. We need to learn discernment on what is too much and what is “stuffing it” or saying not enough.

4.     Give me your eyes to see him/her.  II Cor. 5:16 says we can learn to recognize no one according to the old nature. Asking Him to help us see our spouse with His eyes is very helpful, as our vision is often clouded with our own hurts, preconceived notions, and history of wounds from others.

5.     Lord, help me see myself as you see me. Due to our own personal wounds we are often harsh with ourselves. This also causes us to be critical of our spouse and children. Song of Sol 6:9-10 is a precious Scripture that shows how God sees us. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and children is to allow Him to heal our emotional pain.

6.     Help me to encourage myself.  In I Sam 30:6, David showed that he knew how to encourage himself in God’s strength. Too often we rely on our spouse for encouragement, and try to get all our needs met from him/her. As we learn to rely more on God to meet our needs, it will greatly improve our marriages. We will be like less like a vacuum cleaner, sucking the life out of the other one and more like a fountain, overflowing with love to give out.

7.     Help me to encourage my wife/husband today. Heb. 3:13 urges us to encourage each other, because life is full of discouraging situations that drain us. How can we be part of the solution rather than part of the problem for our spouse?

8.     Lord, give me victory over bitterness. Heb. 12:14-17 warns us that a bitter heart can pollute many. Most notably our children will learn to harbor bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness if we do not get victory over these negative emotions in our marriages. “Forgiveness is giving up our right to hurt the person back who hurt you.” (Dr.Archibald Hart) This understanding has the potential to change marriages everywhere. After all, a marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Perfectionism or Excellence?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you wear that title like a badge of pride?

Or are you really someone who simply strives for excellence?

What’s the difference?

Many people do identify themselves as perfectionists, but I’d like to suggest that perfectionism is destructive, causing much angst and even harmful to relationships. Many cases of depression, anxiety, and low self esteem stem directly from a perfectionist mindset. But all of us agree that excellence is a noble and worthy goal.

I am a recovering perfectionist. My favorite quote from Alfred Adler is, that to be healthy emotionally, we need to “develop the courage to be imperfect.” This quote hangs on the wall in my office, to remind me, as well as my clients that perfectionists have an unrealistic standard for themselves. Usually it is based on a performance mentality, that is: “I am not good enough unless I DO things perfectly, or “I need to be the BEST at this thing…” Can you see why this would be so discouraging? If my value as a person depends on my performance, then always there will be some better or worse than me and my worth is resting on shifting sands.

Excellence, on the other hand, does not act as such a harsh taskmaster.  Contrast the self talk of a person striving for excellence and a person driven to perfectionism.  “I want to, I wish, I would like…” are internal messages that a person tells themselves as they work hard to achieve a goal. Their goal, unlike that of the perfectionist, is realistic. They are stating their goals as a wish or a desire.  “I should, I must, I ought to…” says the perfectionist to him or herself. Their outlook is based on idealism, not reality. “It should be perfect” really translates into “It’s never good enough!” How discouraging!

The motivation of a perfectionist is often to avoid failure. It’s fear-based. The motive of the person working towards excellence is a desire for success, which is a much more positive one. Which would make a person feel better: to be free, in pursuit of a goal that makes them proud of themselves when they accomplish it? Or to be a slave in a prison of disappointment, frustration, and failure? Perfectionists tend to compare themselves to others, and hence never really feel satisfied. Life for the seeker of excellence is viewed as a challenge that they have chosen, and it is fulfilling when they attain a goal that they have set. The fantasy world of the “shoulds” serves only to rob the individuals of acceptance and dignity. It is based on the lie that people and things have the ability to be perfect.

Perfectionists have trouble with relationships. Living in a constant state of frustration and fear of failure gnaws at one’s ability to connect in a positive, encouraging way. Because they are under the shadow of the world’s unreal demands, they become critical of themselves and critical of others. Harsh judgments slip out of their mouths, when the person they are observing is needing and longing for encouragement. How many times have you heard a child say “My parent always notices when I do wrong, but never when I do right!?” Of course there is a time to correct and guide, but if we are reacting with critical attitude, it may well stem from the unrealistic standards that we have set for ourselves.  The common term for this is “baggage.” Truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is to get help for your own emotional struggles. Perfectionism is, contrary to popular belief, one of them. 

So, be intentional about developing the courage to be imperfect. I used to tell this to my students who struggled with perfectionism, and some of them have told me years later that it has helped them to handle life better. Give yourself the gift of freedom from the curse of negative thinking about yourself and the world. Know that you can actually make mistakes and accept them with dignity. Both you and those you interact with will be happier as you replace the lie of perfectionism with the truth of self-acceptance.