Parenting 101

It is said that a parent spells LOVE to a child with these four letters: TIME.  Yet, in our hectic, rushed lifestyle, how do we manage to carve out time for our families? In his excellent book Connecting with Our Kids, Dr. Tim Smith makes a strong case for spending “down time” with each other to nurture those vital relationships. After all, at the end of their lives, who ever says that they wish they had spent more time at the office or on the road? 

 Equally as problematic however, is the tendency to over schedule our children. They are involved in everything: dance lessons, strength training, SAT test coaching, youth group, sports, music lessons, etc., all good things. But there is left little time for creative play, or with teens for simply discussing ideas.

Do you know the single common factor that all families with honor students engaged in? It is not higher education of the parents or socio-economic status, rather it is family dinners together! This is also clear in the study of healthy families that turn out kids most likely to avoid the pitfalls of alcohol and drug abuse and immorality.  Why does the simple fact of eating together have such a drastic effect on children and youth? It has to do with the conversation at the table. Children’s’ brains are developing and they need opportunities to converse with parent, to be heard and to express themselves. At the table all are equal, and there is a certain intimacy that comes from eating together. Teenagers especially need to be able to try out their newly developing deeper thinking and logic skills (that’s why they argue so much!). Wise parents dialogue with them, gently and respectfully, firmly guiding them into truth.

We can learn some practical tips from those who have successfully raised their children. One of those is my pastor, Rob Ketterling, who makes the following suggestions.

1)    Each quarter give them something to look forward to. Otherwise “sometime” never comes. Example: Going to grandma’s, going to a game… you can do that once a quarter!

2) When they are 10, they get to choose a place to go on vacation. When they are 13, have a little ceremony where you have two adults speak into their lives. They should know them, and share some godly encouragement with them and also a warning.

3) If you spank, never do so such that it leaves a mark. It should never be out of control, both parents should be there to quell the other ones anger. Better to wait than to spank then in anger.

4) Express affection to your spouse in front of them; this is very important.

5) They should go on a missions trip when teenagers. Go on a family one.

6) Too much of anything is not good. Too much discipline without nurture is like putting weed killer all over your lawn! How can it grow up when there is too much correction on it? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you neglect the kids by letting them do whatever they want. But most Christian parents err on the side of constantly correcting their child.  “Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Be careful…!” Are there 5 times as many good positive things as negative that your child hears?

7) Is your faith just a part of your life, on the fringe? Or is it vital, woven into every aspect of the kid’s life? Get as excited about when the child reads God’s word on his own; loves to tithe on his own; prays for missions on his own…as his earning power, his grades, her goal in soccer.

Our society is not family friendly. The skills needed to succeed at business are antithetical to those needed to develop strong family relationships. Let’s spend TIME with our children, building them up, nurturing their hearts. Let’s swim against the tide.