Skills to Teach Adolescents (and Learn Ourselves!)

Recently I read an article by Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia. She outlined some skills that I think are vital for teaching adolescents. (Indeed, we can all learn from them!)

1.      Centering. Find a quiet place where they can sit alone for 10-15 minutes. Relax and breathe deeply. Focus on their own thoughts and feelings without judging or directing them. Observe them, respect them.

2.      Separate feeling from thinking.  This is challenging for a teenager, because their feelings are so intense and the pre-frontal cortex has not developed fully yet. They need to ask themselves “How do I feel about this?” and “What do I think about this?” They’ll come to recognize that they are two different processes,  that both should be respected when making a decision.

3.      Make a conscious, responsible choice. Make decisions slowly and carefully. Influence might come from others, but the final decisions are their own.

4.      Make and enforce boundaries. This is vital, for safety (who can touch me and who can’t). They need to learn to say “NO” firmly, and not be pleasers.

5.      Defining relationships. What relationships are in your own best interest? Many girls are “empathy sick.”That is they know more about others’ feelings than their own. They are socialized to let others do the defining: they worry about not being perceived as nice or appearing selfish. Once they have experienced becoming the object of their own lives again, they will be eager to continue to develop this skill. 

6.      Managing pain. All of the bad things in the world come from people trying to escape pain. Drinking, drugs, self-harm, hitting one’s partner, gambling, even suicide is an attempt to avoid unprocessed pain. One needs to sit with their pain, listen to it for messages about their lives, to acknowledge it, describe it rather than run from it. Positive self-calming methods such as deep breathing, exercise, hobbies, reading, mindfulness are very important.

7.      Modulate their emotional reactions. Both girls and boys have these, thought the boys’ more often take the form of anger. Rate their stress on a 1 to 10 scale. This helps them reframe extremes like “This day is the worst day of my life.”

8.      Look within for validation. Being “other directed” or looking to the world for praise and rewards makes teens vulnerable to depression and anxiety. Especially in this age of social media. Teach them to record victories, that is actions in keeping with their long term goals. Teach them to encourage themselves, not depend on other’s opinions of them, for their value doesn’t depend on what others think.

9.      Time travel. Teach them on bad days to go back and think of happier times. Sometimes travelling to the future helps, have them think about their hopes and dreams. Tell themselves that “this too shall pass.” Have a gallery in their mind of beautiful scenes that they can go to, to escape the present hard time.

10.  The joys of altruism. All teens are self-centered. It is not a character flaw, it’s a developmental stage, but it makes them unhappy and limits their understanding of the world. On a regular basis, volunteer to help people less fortunate than they are. Good deeds for neighbors, a homeless shelter, animals that need love, a political cause, children with disabilities…the possibilities are endless. This helps them feel good about their contributions and become less self-absorbed. 

Today’s adolescents need a North Star to orient themselves towards. Certainly the Bible and God’s love are a firm foundation and will provide them with something solid outside themselves to hold on to and focus on. Let’s, with patience and empathy, guide them in the right direction!



*Much of this article was taken from Reviving Ophelia: 25^th Anniversary Edition by Mary Pipher and Sara Gilliam.  

How to show empathy

Empathy fuels connection. In this day and age where self centeredness runs rampant, use these! People often in a hurry to “comfort” someone need to use these also. 

Here are some suggestions on how to show empathy:

1.     Take their perspective. “I can see how you would think that, given the circumstances.”

2.     Stay out of judgment.  (This is VERY DIFFICULT, as we do it so frequently!) Say to yourself: “There’s some reason why the person did/said that.”

3.     Recognize their emotion. “I can see you’re mad/sad/scared. Tell me more.”  Don’t say, “Keep a stiff upper lip” or “It’s for the best!”

4.     Connect with the emotion. Communicate that you “feel with” the person.  “I am heart-broken about what you said. I feel like sobbing.”  Don’t say, “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

5.     Don’t give advice! Don’t tell your own story.  Instead say “How can I help?”

6.     Better to say “Oh, that’s so awful I don’t know what to say,” than to say “At least you’re still alive” or some such thing. Empathetic statements rarely or never start with “at least.” Trying to make things better, or “silver line” the dark cloud does not help. Rather, it minimizes their feelings.

7.      Ask them, “How are you really feeling?” Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” You DON”T know how they feel, even f you’ve gone through the exact same thing. That puts the attention onto yourself rather than empathizing with them, and is somewhat presumptuous. 

8.     The phrase “It happened for a reason,” or “It’s God’s will” never is helpful! (One author called it psychological violence!)  Instead say “How can I pray for you?”

9.     Say “Give yourself time to heal,” rather than “You’ll get over this in no time.”

10.   Assure them that you’ll be here for them, do not say, “You’ll be fine.”

You can bring healing to someone just by listening. Perhaps they could teach the art of listening in schools. And colleges. And seminaries.

But all of us can learn these skills, so let’s do it!

Grrr #$%&* Anger!

It’s like blowing your nose or going to the bathroom, it’s so common. But, what if a person did not know where or how to do these things? They’d make a mess at best, spread germs at worst. So it is with anger: we can handle it properly or we can let it destroy those we love.

It’s such a human emotion everyone has, and it has the power to destroy or motivate for good.

First of all, let’s talk about the causes of anger. It generally happens when we have a blocked goal. We react in anger because we did not get our way. Or we think we had a right to something and it’s been denied us. Whether we’re justified in being angry or not, we suddenly have feelings to deal with! They flood over us, and vie for control. What are we to do?

I’ll talk in a minute about ways to handle angry feelings. But first I want us to look at what’s behind anger. It could be pride, thinking we’re right, we’re better than the person who has opposed us. It could be bitterness, harboring a lot of resentment from unresolved conflicts inside. It could be from self-talk, what we tell ourselves has the power to fuel anger. Or it might be all 3 of these things. 

What does the Bible say? First of all, “Be angry but do not sin.” (Eph.4:26) We are told that this emotion is legitimate, everyone, including Jesus, gets angry. But to not sin? That’s the tricky part! When we hurt someone with our words, hurt their body, hurt ourselves, or hurt property we sin. Reacting in anger often leads to this (95% of the time?!), but we can avoid it by learning some anger management techniques.

A whole list of techniques is available! Here are a few:       

1.     Check your body to see how mad you are. Stop and relax, take deep breaths.

2.     Exercise

3.     Get away from the problem, go to a safe place.

4.     Think of the choices you have. Think of the consequences for each choice.

5.     Speak your feelings, say “I feel ______”

6.     Visualize a proud moment

7.     Take a warm bath.

8.     Hit something safe, like a pillow or kick a cushion.

9.     Robot/ragdoll: tighten your muscles like a robot, then let them go limp like a ragdoll.

10.  Visualize a STOP sign. The think of a time I handled anger well, to remind myself I can do it.

11.  Listen to soothing music

12.  Cry, let it out, sob.

The Bible says to be SLOW to anger, for the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God. (Ja. 1:20.) People tend to respect those who have self-control, and are slow to anger. Think about it, don’t you? Think of a person you know who shows self-discipline and does not get mad very much. You can do this too. We are told that we’ve not been given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-control. (II Tim 1:7)

What does fear have to do with it? Well, anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath are the primary emotions of fear and hurt. I show my clients a drawing of an iceberg, with anger at the top, and underneath are fear and hurt. So, when you get mad, there is likely some of both fear and hurt. You can ask yourself “What am I afraid of? How did I get hurt?” You may not be able to answer these questions, but just asking them can make you more self aware, and give you some control over your angry feelings.

Often our own self talk contributes to our anger. Take a look at these 4 things:

1.     Minimizing

2.     Awfulizing

3.     Demanding

4.     Shaming and Blaming

Minimizing is telling ourselves that “I can’t” or “I can’t stand.” We are telling ourselves that we are too weak to handle whatever happens! We convince ourselves that it will overwhelm us, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it does. Better self talk is “it would be hard, but I probably can.” That affirms our capability, and causes our angry feelings to go down substantially.

Awfulizing means telling ourselves “it’s a disaster.” Or, “the worst will probably happen.” Again, we’re saying that we can’t handle this horrible thing that is about to happen, and that feeds our fear. As we learned above, fear is one of the primary emotions that drive anger, so feeding it is not helpful. If our quest is to be less angry, we could say to ourselves, “It’s annoying or disappointing” and see if our angry feelings don’t subside.

Demanding is a big one. We think that other people SHOULD do something, and if they don’t we get mad. For some reason we tell ourselves that “they have to” do the thing or we have a right to be angry. Such thinking fuels our angry feelings. Can we control others? Better to say “I wish they would…” because this is realistic. It is much more healthy, and better for the blood pressure too.

Shaming and blaming come way too easily to us. “It’s their fault, and they are bad,” we rehearse to ourselves. Somehow we feel that shaming and/or blaming the other people lets us off the hook. Maybe it really is their fault. But does it help to be telling yourself that over and over again? No, it makes us feel angrier! Better to say quietly “take responsibility, who is perfect?” and let the angry feelings wash away.

Try these! They really work.

Encouragement in Jamaica

            “Some people come down here to build buildings, and you’re building lives,” said Randy, the leader of the Institute for Vocational Training and Development.  Thanks to your prayers, we were able to invest in the lives of precious people in Jamaica.

I taught 16 classes (they worked me hard for 4 days!), on such topics as Anger Control, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Tolerance, and Self-Control. Imagine how encouraging it was, when I asked the students what they were going to take away from the teaching, many of them said, “I learned that I need to forgive!” Such a truth can be life-changing, and it was very gratifying to hear. 

Discouragement is a frequent visitor to Kingdom workers, and Jamaica is no exception. The old Christmas Carol “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” says in verse 3:

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

We felt that way at times!  But then we looked up the lyrics, and were rejoicing to see verse 4:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

The weekend we left, two staff from the school, the principal and the guidance counselor, were in bad car accidents. It sobered us to think of the spiritual warfare going on, and we are determined to pray diligently for them. (They have been discharged from the hospital, but are in pain, and their cars are totaled.) “No weapon that is formed against you shall prosper…” Is. 54

Gail and Jill did a lot of counseling, which is so needed and they are very gifted at it. They also gave a presentation on Self-Care to the staff. Every year we’ve gone down there, the staff is more open and trusting of us. This time they were really engaged and open to what we had to say.

Last year there were 175 students at the Vocational School. This year, it doubled to 350, and it is still growing! Apparently the Jamaican government recently allocated more money to help the youth gain career skills. An answer to prayer for the country.

Jamaica is beautiful, diverse, and full of very talented people. We covet your prayers for the land, that God will pour out His Spirit on it and that many can see who they are in Christ.

Please pray for the school:  1) Wisdom to deal with such rapid growth; 2) Safety for Randy and the staff, they are under attack; 3) More young people to catch the vision to go down to Jamaica and invest in the precious people there.

Again, THANK YOU for your prayers! When we gather before the Throne, with people from “every tribe and tongue, and people and nation” (Rev. 5:9), many will thank YOU for investing your prayers in them. “The wrong shall fail, the right prevail…”

Encouragement is needed everywhere, whether in our homes for our spouses and children, our neighbors, friends, as well as to the uttermost parts of the earth. Let's be encouragers! Literally it is from the French word coure which means heart. Let's strengthen the hearts of people we know and love...

True or False Self Esteem? What's the Difference?

“We want teaching on self-esteem,” said a group that I am planning on visiting. Immediately my mind went to the two kinds of self esteem: true self esteem and false self esteem. Can you articulate the difference? I’ll attempt to do so here.

False self esteem is too often taught to our children. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” “You can be anything you want to be.” It involves a self-focus, and a sense of invincibility that is seriously overstated. There is a 100% chance that the person will be disappointed later in life, when they find out that they can’t “be anything they want to be.” Especially without effort.

Self-focus leads to narcissism, which is not healthy for anyone. Telling a person that “You are awesome, you are amazing” without saying something specific that they’re being praised for contributes to this self-focus. Or else the person just doesn’t believe it. Unfortunately many of our children are growing up with a higher view of themselves than they deserve. An example is grades: American kids rate themselves more highly than their age-mates in other countries, yet they have some of the lowest scores. Why is this? They’ve been fawned over, told they’re wonderful all their lives, and therefore it doesn’t matter how they perform.

Allow me to quote from Twenge in The Narcissism Epidemic :

Did you know that there are four legs that false self-esteem rests on?

 1) The permissive parenting and self-esteem focused education. Fewer boundaries are set by families, and teachers tell kids that they are “stars” and “winners” even as performance stays stagnant.

 2) The media culture of shallow celebrity. Celebrity culture tempts people with the idea of fame- fame awarded for the amount of attention drawn to themselves rather than actual accomplishment.

3) The Internet: it’s a conduit for individual narcissism. It allows people to present an inflated and self-focused view if themselves to the world, and encourages them to spend hours each day contemplating their images.

 4) Easy credit, which make self-focused dreams become reality. It serves as a personal Fairy Godmother who makes wishes come true.

I think we further this problem by praising our kids excessively.  Here are some problems with praising our kids:

1.     Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy.

2.     Praising for what is required.  Luke 17:10 “We are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty.”

3.     Praising what is not specific.  “You are amazing!” Praise should go in one of 4 buckets: hard work, being kind, being honest, being vulnerable. Non-specific, excessive statements have no bucket, so they are either not believed, or go towards making the child a narcissist.

4.     Praising and telling your child that he/she is better than others. “You deserve special treatment” instead of “You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help your coach pick up the equipment.”

5.     Praising not based on reality. “You can do anything you want to do,” is unrealistic, it leads to disappointment and resentment.

6.     A lack of warmth in a family upbringing. Creates a defensive grandiose identity, who comes across as arrogant and superior.

7.     Praise the achievement rather than the character.  This emphasizes the talents a person is given rather than their choice to do right.

True self esteem on the other hand, doesn’t think this way. It’s said that four things yield true self esteem: work, producing something (art, creative endeavors, etc), responsibility, and when one exhibits self-control. Hmmmm, is that what we’re teaching our kids today? Let’s look at each of them.

Work, not a pleasant task, is largely denigrated by children. “How little do I have to do?” is most often the question. Gone are the days when children had to work to help support the family; we’ve swung the pendulum in the opposite direction now. “But my child can’t do chores, it would put too much pressure on them.”  “They complain too much, it’s easier to do it myself.” “But mom, it’s so BORING!” Work humbles the soul (Ps. 107:12), and all of us need humbling.

Many of us try to produce creative things and fail. Maybe we’re too perfectionistic to recognize that they are indeed good, but not the best, so we give up. Others of us create lovely things (a story, a painting, acting in a play, musical endeavor), and are proud of ourselves for it, but do not go on getting instruction on how to improve so we can move forward in the field. That may have to do with our hesitancy to work hard, to practice, to learn. A passive attitude will not get us anywhere. Nor will a complacent view of yourself. (“I’m great already.”)

My mother used to say, “Responsibility makes a child grow up.” I’m sure that’s true, and that’s one reason we have so many young people in extended adolescence today. Giving people responsibility involves yielding it up, as well as a younger person taking it. Both are not happening today.

Which brings me to the last one, which is the hardest of all: Self-discipline. “He who neglects discipline despises himself,” it says in the Bible (Prov. 15:32), and this is the most difficult truth to assimilate. Self control must be taught to children if you want them to have high self esteem. We need to cultivate it ourselves. Yes, in this world of more, more, more, and no boundaries, only self-mastery will bring about a happy ending.

Take for example the college graduation rate. Right now, 32 % of girls graduate with a four year degree from college. For boys, it’s an abyssimal 22%.  (Dr. Michael Kirst*) Why is that? Could part of it be a lack of self discipline? 

Victoria Prooday has some suggestions as to how we can build true self esteem in our kids.

• Spend one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, fishing, watching birds/insects.
• Have a daily technology-free family dinner.
• Play one board game a day. (List of family games) Allow for unstructured play.
• Involve your child in one or more chores a day (folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table etc).
• Implement consistent sleep routine to ensure that your child gets lots of sleep in a technology-free bedroom.

• Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t over-protect them from small failures. It trains them the skills needed to overcome greater life’s challenges.
• Provide nutritious food and limits snacks. Avoid toxic foods.
• Teach them these skills rather than do it for them: Don’t pack your child’s backpack, don’t carry her backpack, don’t bring to school his forgotten lunch box/agenda, and don’t peel a banana for a 5-year-old child.  
• Teach delayed gratification and provide opportunities for “boredom” as boredom is the time when creativity awakens:

• Don’t feel responsible for being your child’s entertainment crew.
• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom.
• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, malls. Use these moments as opportunities to train their brains to function under “boredom”.
• Help them create a “boredom first aid kit” with activity ideas for “I am bored” times.

Be emotionally available to connect with kids and teach them self-regulation and social skills:

• Turn off your phones until kids are in bed to avoid digital distraction.
• Become your child’s emotional coach. Teach them to recognize and deal with frustration and anger.
• Teach greeting, taking turns, sharing, empathy, table manners, conversation skills,
• Connect emotionally – Smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, or crawl with your child.

To teach them to work, keep this in mind: Loving but firm is a key. Boundaries must be set and enforced to show the person the balance between grace and truth.

A.    Chores are a good way to beat entitlement. Here are the ABC’s of chores:

1.     Assign every member of the family some meaningful contributions. Ask yourself: “What am I doing that my kids could do?” Some families find it useful to post the list of contributions on the fridge with the person’s name next to it. Note- don’t say “Do it now,” or you will be inviting power struggles. Simply give them a deadline.

2.     Be quiet! Don’t nag.

3.     Consequences preceded by empathy will teach them. If they refuse, forget, or do a sloppy job, have them repay you for your energy and effort you put forth to do the thing for them. Ideas are: they could do extra chores for you; they could stay home or lose a privilege to save you energy; or they could pay a professional (or you) to do the chores. (Example: when a teenage girl had to pay a maid for doing her chores!)

We can build true self esteem in our kids, with effort and intentionality. Let’s do it!

* https://collegepuzzle.stanford.edu/tag/women-exceed-men-in-college-graduation/

Some Practical Pointers on Fasting

"Fasting? Wasn't that just for the apostles' time?" a student asked me once. I’d like to extol the benefits of fasting in this blog. I don’t want to say too much about my own experience with fasting, because Jesus said we’re not supposed to brag about it (Matt. 6:16-18). But I’ve had “extensive experience” (is that boasting?) with it in the 46 years I’ve walked with Christ.

It’s the best kept secret of the American church. Perhaps the church world-wide, but I think it’s less well known in the west. After all, we are affluent, and we can’t help that.

Allow me to tell you what fasting does for a person.

Fasting humbles the soul. (Ps. 35:13) There’s no doubt about it! Whether it’s calming fights with your spouse, or just enabling you to stay out of strife in general, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been spared the hardship that comes from verbal altercations. After all, James 4: 1-6 points out that our fights come from our pride. I attribute our happy marriage in part to the fasting that has helped me keep my mouth shut often!

1)   We are rich. But we’re to be poor in spirit. (Matt. 5:3). We have no concept of the poverty that much of the rest of the world has to live with. But, we can identify with them and with Christ’s sacrifice, if we fast from food for a time.

2)   It makes us grateful! Anyone can see that abstaining from something will bring thankfulness when we have it again. I’ve found this to be true with food, rather than living nearly full most of the time. I really enjoy food more!

3)   It allows us to hear from God more clearly. Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) One thing that got me fasting from the beginning was a teaching that I heard on just this topic. When we are satiated, say at Christmas, it is hard to hear the Lord clearly. We become kind of dull of hearing, and God’s word seems distant. When we fast, however, we can perceive His word to us clearly and immediately. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: ‘Here am I.”’ (Is. 58:9)

4)   It brings us out of our self-centeredness. All humans are self-focused, some due to their upbringing are more so than others. But all are! When we practice fasting, not like the Pharisees who did their fasting to be noticed by people, (Matt. 6:16-18) but really humbling ourselves, we get set free from that self-focus. This goes with my first point about avoiding fights, but it also can bring us creative ideas about things to do for others too.

Now I used to think that fasting had to be 40 days to count, or at least a week. But, one day a week can do wonders for you. After all, the Bible says to rest 1 in 7 days, (Ex. 20:8), so why not rest your digestive system as well? I’m convinced that many health ailments that afflict Americans could be brought under control of we would fast.

Isaiah 58:6-12 is a beautiful passage that is filled with promises about people who fast God’s way. Some of them are:  loosing the chains of injustice, opportunities to share with the poor and lost, healing, answered prayer, absence of confusion, touching your family, and guidance from God. We’ll be like a “well-watered garden,” we won’t burn out, we’ll flourish, and be called “Repairer of the Broken-down Walls.” I don’t know about you, but I want and need those things! Doubtless there’s more embedded in that passage, I am just giving you a tiny taste.

But watch out! The enemy is very sly. You will (I repeat you will) fall into the pharisaical attitude of self-righteousness. Again and again. “If I give my body to be burned, but have not love…” (I Cor.13: 3) So we repent over and over, and recognize that we are fallen, broken people who need a savior.

Some people say “Well, what about fasting from TV, or video games, or desserts, or some such thing?” All I can say about these things is great, go ahead and abstain from them. But don’t think that that will have the same effect as abstaining from food. There’s something about denying yourself this very basic need that speaks to our flesh in an irrefutable way. “Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the body and the body is for food, but God will destroy them both.” (I Cor. 6:12,13)

Telling your body that it is not in control is a heady experience. We understand that the flesh wars against the spirit (Romans 6 & 7). The one you feed the most will win! Starve the flesh by fasting and praying, seeking God for a time. But again, beware! Col.2:16-23 warns us that there is not spiritual value in fasting for its own sake.

People fast for health reasons. It brings the appetite under control, and there are a host of other secular reasons to fast. How about us, can we not benefit spiritually and in our bodies?

Some practical points:

* Store up some verses to be ready when you feel hungry, or get discouraged. Such as “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.” (Matt. 5:6); “I humbled my soul with fasting.” (Ps. 35:13); “This kind only goes out through prayer and fasting.” (Mk. 9:29, Matt, 17:21) Repeat them to yourself throughout the day. This will make your fast more meaningful, and combat the “crabbies” that you might otherwise find creep up on you.       

*Don’t expect to lose weight if you fast; when you are done fasting, you will eat more. But it can help you maintain your present weight, not gain.(unless you avoid sugar, then you might shed a few pounds.)

*You’ll find that you forget things when you fast. But God is faithful, and usually it is just little things that cause us minor inconvenience.

* You can still exercise. Only in 21^st century America do we believe that we might die if we have to go a few hours without food! I’ve fasted 3 days and run 2 ½ miles effortlessly. Repeat this to yourself “ I WILL NOT DIE!” Sometimes you can even exercise more easily without the burden of having to digest all that food; yes, you actually have MORE energy!

* You might get headaches and/or slight nausea. I usually tough it out, and they go away. Or take a little pain killer. If you are on a medication that needs to be taken with food, then for gosh sakes, eat something. Recently I’ve taken to drinking one caffeinated drink so I don’t get a headache when I fast.

* There are still benefits when you fail. Even a little fast if you are seeking the Lord, can help. Don’t beat yourself up when you fail! (Notice I said when, not if)

* If you struggle with anorexia or bulimia, DON’T fast! Get help for these things first.

Jesus assumed that all his followers would fast, he said “WHEN you fast…” (Matt 6:16-18), and it is practiced throughout Acts. Throughout church history, many saints and people fasted. In modern times people such as Jim Elliot and Bill Bright fasted regularly. It truly makes a difference in one’s personal walk with God. 

In fact, I am of the opinion that if everyone who loved God fasted regularly, it would wake up the lukewarm Western church.  What a powerful thing it is!