Americans Don't Do Grief!

Grief. Will we comfort with wisdom and understanding, or use meaningless platitudes? The latter can cause more pain, suffering, heartache. Do we want to be guilty of that? Read on…. “I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.” Notice that I said with you not for you. For you implies that you’re going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, is incredibly powerful. Just be present, as long as is necessary. Don’t leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay. It’s in those places- in the shadows of horror where we rarely allow ourselves to enter- where the beginnings of healing are found. The healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people. Some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. Grief is brutally painful. To say the awful words “Everything happens for a reason” is spiritual, emotional, and psychological violence. It denies their humanity. It robs them of the chance to grieve! It shows a tremendous lack of understanding on the part of the person who says it. In so doing, we steal a bit of their freedom at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair. Wow, digest that for a minute. Re-read the last paragraph. Think about the last time you said that. Vow never to say it again! Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve. Trauma is a source of tremendous grief. Yet our culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed. Americans do not know how to grieve well. We've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now, when you're faced with tragedy, you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people — you're surrounded by platitudes. (Tim Lawrence) Mistakes well-meaning people make in trying to help those who grieve: 1. Not listening well a. Giving unasked-for advice b. Minimizing the pain, saying “I know how you feel” c. Giving them quick solutions d. Criticizing them e. Becoming distracted, not really listening with the heart f. Becoming impatient, or putting them on a time schedule 2. Misunderstanding of the need for processing grief a. Not allowing the person to feel angry or hopeless b. Trying to hurry them along in the process c. Harboring the belief that crying is not acceptable d. Expectation that they will “get over it & move on” quickly e. Trying to teach them before they are ready f. Pressuring them to forgive before they have processed and are ready. Let’s be emotionally intelligent people! Let’s really comfort people, not add to their pain.