Masks: We Hide...

 "Church people have worn masks for generations," said a pastor in a recent conversation about the Corona virus and its effect on our world.

 Hmmm, I thought, Too true. Why are people so afraid to be vulnerable? Vulnerability breeds intimacy. And people are so lonely now. It doesn't make sense why people wear (figurative) masks in church.

"How are you?" "I'm fine," we reply, with an artificial smile pasted on our face. "How is your husband?" the person asks. "Oh, he's doing great," we lie, because he's really depressed and we are too. 

The only thing I can think of to blame for this dishonesty-disguised-as-lack-of-sincerity is shame. 

Shame is something we will do anything to avoid. Think of a time you were shamed and I bet it will make you shudder. A visceral response. Humans will do anything to hide it from others. Even lie, be insincere, and pretend. What's a person to do?

 The opposite extreme, not having any boundaries, is equally as much of a problem. 

"How are you?" "Oh I'm going crazy, busy with everything, my son won't call me, my kitchen stove just broke, my sister is mad at me, my mother is a mess, my arthritis has flared up again, and on top of that I have the flu..." Somehow, when we overwhelm people with our problems, we don't end up feeling any closer to them, as they slink away, too eager to escape the awkwardness just unleashed on them. The person who said all that might go away thinking "Well, at least I was honest!" But the problem of our alienation remains. 

A third problem is we don't know how to receive. "How are you?" is always on the tip of our tongues, we don't think of receiving love for ourselves. Many people have trouble with this. Whether it's low self esteem (I'm not worthy of love), or pride (I can give to others, I don't need others to give to me), it needs to be addressed. Let's humble ourselves and receive love from others!

Americans are very lonely. Community is something many of us only dream of, but don't experience. When we go to church, we wear masks to hide our insecurities. After all, we don't want to be like that person with no boundaries. (Or maybe we used to be like that person, and it didn't work very well for us...) Our families are fragmented. We. Are. Lonely.

I'd like to suggest that we change our focus. Perhaps if we thought of how we can encourage them it would make a difference. Perhaps if we didn't spend all our time thinking about what they thought of us (the root of social anxiety, by the way), but made it our goal to say something affirming to a few people, we would leave church more fulfilled. Because then people would want to connect with us. 

Everyone is self-centered. I heard once "when I was 20, I worried what everyone thought of me. When I was 40, I said to myself, 'I'm not going to worry what others think of me.' But now that I'm 60, I realize that no one thinks of anyone else anyway!" Let's change that to start thinking that way when we're in our 20's and 30's. Start by saying positive and encouraging words to people, and don't worry what they think of you. Gradually they will warm up to you. They'll want to have coffee with  you, you can slowly get to know each other, for real.

 Some friends of ours have discovered the house church movement. (www.luke10.com) One thing that everyone does in these meetings is to "check in", to share with each other how they're feeling. "I'm feeling sad today, because I lost an account at work."  "I'm feeling pleased today, because I got a bunch of work done and my daughter called." Starting a small group meeting this way, allows us to have that element of vulnerability so lacking in the American church. I've even heard of marriages saved by this "check in" process. My husband and I have started doing it every day. 

Let's take our masks off in church. Not our physical masks, they're necessary for the time being. But our invisible masks. Find someone, preferably in a small group, that you can connect with. Encourage them. Open up and be a little bit vulnerable with them. Start a church if two or three if you like (read the website, it has some ideas on it).

 We all need connection, even if we're the most introverted person on earth. 

We're made for community.

Defeating Depression

One toll that Covid-19 is taking on us is a rise in Depression. Here are some ideas of how to overcome this malady. 

Depression is rampant in our society. We can win the fight against it!

1. Let yourself be grateful. All of us can find little things to be thankful for. We live in the most affluent nation on earth and have many blessings that we can say "Thank you" for. Write down three things every day that are different, some specific, small things, that elicit an attitude of gratitude in you.

2. Volunteer. Help at a homeless shelter, make meals for shut-ins, help out at a place for orphaned animals, visit elderly people in a nursing home, rake your 90-year-old neighbor’s yard. All of these get the focus off of yourself, and on to someone else. Who has it worse than you. It's guaranteed to make a person feel better.

3. Exercise. Even a 15-minute walk will produce some endorphins, making you feel better. However you like to exercise: biking, jogging, dancing, pilates, walking, playing tennis or basketball...choose one and then figure out how you can do it several times a week. It really works!

4. Write. Journaling is a very successful way to overcome depression. Somehow, committing it to paper gets it out of our mind and articulates it. That's better than letting it sit in our head and ferment. When I journal, I try to end it on a positive note. An inspirational saying, a Bible verse, a poem. This lifts my spirits.

5.  Read the Psalms. David was depressed for over half of the Psalms, and minced no words in expressing it. He vents quite vociferously in some places, for God isn't afraid of emotion! But notice, in every Psalm, there is at least one verse thar shows the faithfulness of God. A little light to illuminate the darkness. David knew all about the dark night, the agony of the soul

6. Connect with someone. It is the tendency of people who are struggling with depression to isolate themselves. Reach out, even though you don't feel like it! Ask a safe person if you can vent to them. Let them know that they aren't to fix you, you just want their listening ear. Don't stay alone, and it's best not to do it through texting. Face-to-face contact is 100% better.

7. Pray about it. I mean short prayers, like, "God, I have lost hope, please help me." "What shall I do about this despair?" Then expect God to answer you, even if you have doubts

8.  Work on something creative, use your hands. Knitting, sewing, weaving, making cards, drawing, painting, playing an instrument, baking, cooking, playdough sculptures, beading, making jewelry, woodworking. These are just a few of ideas you can use to focus on something that you're creating, and it feels good!

9. Cuddle with a pet. If you have one, your love will pour inro the animal, and often it will return to you. If you don't have one, borrow one. Consider getting one, as they are very therapeutic. Or, go to a pet shelter and cuddle with one there. 

10. Educate yourself. Reading or listening to podcasts about depression may help you to overcome it. There are many books and articles that address it, and do a good job. Finding Hope Again by Drs. Neil T. Anderson and Hal Baumchen is a good one.

11. Try something new. A new hobby, something that you've never thought of trying before, will distract you, and may give you a new lease on life. Another language (try Duolingo, a free app that allows you to learn languages easily), woodworking, writing letters to prisoners, gardening, any of the things mentioned in #8 above, Befriend a foreigner, write thank you notes to old teachers you liked, get involved with some cause that you feel strongly about.

12. Smile. It's scientifically proven that smiling makes a person feel better. It uses less muscles to smile than to frown, and it sends the message to your brain that there is something to be happy about. It's also infectious, causing other people to smile, thanks to mirror neurons. Try it!

13. Ask someone to tell you that this too shall pass. It might even get better tomorrow. Or next week, or next month. This came from a depressed client, and it makes sense. The distorted thinking one has is that it'll always be this bad. That's never the case.

14. Are you eating healthy food? Plenty of protein, fruits, and vegetables. And drinking enough water? Beverages low in sugar, caffeine, and alcohol? How about your sleep? You need to take care of yourself physically to feel good.

15. Listen to music. Music stimulates both sides of the brain, and can reach deeper recesses of our soul than talking can. It isn't understood why, (people who have had strokes can sometimes sing, but not talk), but it often works to calm and to encourage us. Have a playlist of encouraging songs ready to play when you get down, and see if they don't work.

If, however, you are seriously depressed, it would be good to see a professional. Rather than judge you, the counselor will help you learn some tools to defeat depression. lt's worth a try! 5 sessions could well be all the person would need. 

A word about medication. I believe that antidepressants are God's gift to us, but are to be used sparingly. If a person is very depressed, they might need something to get them back up to feeling decent again. But rarely should the medication be seen as a permanent solution. You need to change your thinking to get well and stay well. Medications in many cases (but not all) are like the scaffolding on a house that is being built. It's there for a while, but not there long term. Changing one's thinking, figuring out and beating the distortions, is how one builds the house.

You CAN overcome depression!  Many people go through it, and come out the other side. You will too!