Reflections in a Foggy Mirror

Gone are the days of sitting by the lake fishing, and just thinking. Far in 
the past memories of the older generation are the lazy days of walking 
along, reflecting on life. Everyone is on their screens! "I'm too 
busy!" How often do we hear or think this? 

Our mirrors of life are foggy.

But is this healthy? Can we think about something carefully or rationally, 
and reach a conclusion well without it? My observation is that young people 
and kids already have lost or are losing the ability to think critically. To think for 
themselves. To worship. And with these losses come anxiety. A lack of 
peacefulness.

So what can we do? Do we just sit idly by, and let ourselves be hijacked by our 
phones and i-pads? 

The rebel in me screams "NO!"

Here is a list of questions we can ask ourselves and others to help us learn to 
think deeply again.
Ask yourself these questions. I find that as I'm falling asleep at night, it helps to
 go over the day this way. Especially "what am I grateful for?" 

What am I grateful for today?

What surprised me today?

What made me sad today?

What made me laugh or smile today?

What was a challenge today?

How was I kind today?

How was I brave today?

What were some pleasures today? (another way of saying what I am grateful for)

 How did I fail today? (no shame!!)

Take some time to ask yourself some of these every day. Ask your child, teen,
adult child. Incorporate them into your day.

Take some time each day to be off your phone. Even 20-30 minutes is better than none.

 If we are not led by our thoughts, we are led by the default: our emotions. This 
unfortunately leads to chaos. Think about it: when I’m led by my emotions, without
 regard for rational thinking, doesn’t it lead to chaos? 

I have a picture of a train which I often show my clients. It has “thoughts” as the engine,
 “beliefs” as the coal car, then “behavior” as a car, and lastly a caboose labeled “feelings.”
 If the train is led by thoughts, that is effective living, if it is led by emotions, that leads 
to chaos. The idea is to be led by your thoughts, which are (ideally) fed by true beliefs. 
We don’t ignore our feelings, but we shouldn’t be led by them. 

Yet, if we don’t take some time to think, to reflect, I fear our society is headed for trouble. 
Feelings-led people rarely make good decisions. Think the French Revolution, Rwanda, and
the Hitler rallies. All are examples of people being led by mass emotion.

Let’s take time to think, to reflect, to worship. It is what we’ve been given above the animals. 
Let’s quiet ourselves and do it! 
It'll make life's mirror a little less foggy.

The Cocaine of the Emotions

A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! (According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder!) 

As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!


Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.

Not the best way to live!

Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.

1)       Anger, cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.  Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.

2)      The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.  Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for our emotions to process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.

3)      Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.

4)       Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.

5)      For people of faith, it is valuable to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our ability to hear God’s will.

6)       Some people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness. (It’s not all about me.)

 When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.

 But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least.  Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.

God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.

Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.

Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!

The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?