How to Overcome Disappointment

Today is our 41^st wedding anniversary. To celebrate it, I will publish a blog on disappointment! Overcoming disappointment is one of the reasons we have a happy marriage…

We all experience disappointment in life.  “Not getting what we hoped
for” happens on a regular basis; sometimes it is a huge, life-
changing disappointment, such as the tragic death of a loved one.
Sometimes it is a lower level disappointment, such as the cancellation
of a picnic due to rain, or anything in between. 

 Regardless, we may struggle to adjust to our loss. There are a variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful, some are not so useful,
for our long range emotional & relational health.

It’s no wonder I taught my granddaughter the word “Disappointment” when she
was barely two. It’s an important one to identify!

I remember how I used to deal with disappointment. I had a pity party!
“Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then
one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a
disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.

The most common response is to blame.  Blame one’s spouse, blame God,
blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any
combination of these. It is certainly human to attribute blame when we
are hurt, and the anger we feel is normal.

 I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough
money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That hung
between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, we are on the same page
now).

We need to recognize and learn to manage two emotions wisely: anger and grief.

Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as
threatening.  As a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger
mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well known fact; many are
unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling
to deal with underlying fear and hurt.

 Some are afraid of anger, having grown up in a family atmosphere
where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not
managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or
self loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually
harms others either verbally or physically.

Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely
expressing angry feelings.  The self-talk that fuels it needs to be
changed. “He should change! I can’t stand it! It’s all her fault! I never get what I want!” are some examples of self talk that we need to change to successfully cause our angry feelings to subside.

Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible
loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a
financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible
losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time
such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc.

Grieving is a sign of love: our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other
emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love.  To cope
with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe,
non-judgmental person.

 We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing,
are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the
hurt will you make room for healing.

 Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In
our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do
not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The
unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live
with unresolved grief.  Undealt-with grief frequently turns to
bitterness.

The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s
honor our emotions of disappointment and grief. 

 “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the
disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the
circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change.

So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold on to hope. This too
shall pass…

Vets with a Mission

Healing. Soul healing. Veterans of war need it, everyone agrees. So how does one go about being healed? I recently watched a movie called “By War and By God,” which showed a very effective way for restoration to take place.


“Vets with a Mission” takes veterans of the Vietnam era and gives them the opportunity to go back to the places in Vietnam where they fought, and bring medical help to the people there. The wounded healer (there’s a book by Henri Nouwen by that name), and it captures our imaginations just thinking about it. These men were hurt deeply at age 19, now as mature adults they are realizing that one way to heal is to bring help to the same people they were at war with in the 1960’s.


“The war is over,” is their message. One guy said that he’s never in his life had a former enemy say “I love you” and embrace him. An American vet had not slept the night through for 30 years, due to PTSD. When he went to Saigon, he slept like a baby!


 Many children receive help from this organization. A village that some of them went to did not have any medical facility in it, and the people had to go several miles to find any kind of care. So Vets with a Mission decided to build one for them. In it, they put a photo of their friend who lost his life there, so many years ago. And his testimony is written in English and Vietnamese next to his photo.


“The war is over.” When I do EMDR with people to help them heal from trauma, one thing I say to them is “that was then, and this is now.” Part of healing is recognizing that fact.


A Vietnamese man who had lost his leg was spending time with these veterans. “How did you lose your leg?” asked one of the Americans. “In the war, it was shot off by a machine gun,” came the answer. “I was a machine gunner,” said the vet. The translator did not want to translate it; perhaps he feared a reaction by the victim. After a while, the American persuaded him to translate it. The response? The Vietnamese man got up from his chair, went over, and hugged the American.


“The war is over.”


How many of us are suffering from old traumas from the past? Fighting wars with the voices in our heads? Healing can come as we move out and do something constructive to help those less fortunate than ourselves. There are lots of them. Our pastor always says “We’re blessed to be a blessing.” Throwing yourself into a project that contributes to the good of mankind is a sure way to recover from depression and anxiety. It is even prescribed sometimes!


Volunteer, if you’ve been raped, at a center for women, or become part of the anti-human trafficking movement. If you’ve been treated unjustly at a job, start a movement to help others who are worse off than you. Or simply, rake you 80 year old neighbor’s yard, offer to babysit for the single mother you know, or go to Feed My Starving Children. Open up your home to single people who need a place to stay. Go to a shelter and play with children or animals. The possibilities are endless.


I was very impressed with the “Vets with a Mission” organization, and the movie that publicized it. The movie was made by Kent Williamson, a friend of my husband’s, who was tragically killed in a car accident a few weeks ago.  Devastating. Heart-wrenching.


Like war.


"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength." ~ Frederick Buechner  
  

We can learn something from these vets. They reached out, and in doing so found more than they probably ever believed they could. Can we do the same?

www.vetswithamission.org