How to show empathy

Empathy fuels connection. In this day and age where self centeredness runs rampant, use these! People often in a hurry to “comfort” someone need to use these also. 

Here are some suggestions on how to show empathy:

1.     Take their perspective. “I can see how you would think that, given the circumstances.”

2.     Stay out of judgment.  (This is VERY DIFFICULT, as we do it so frequently!) Say to yourself: “There’s some reason why the person did/said that.”

3.     Recognize their emotion. “I can see you’re mad/sad/scared. Tell me more.”  Don’t say, “Keep a stiff upper lip” or “It’s for the best!”

4.     Connect with the emotion. Communicate that you “feel with” the person.  “I am heart-broken about what you said. I feel like sobbing.”  Don’t say, “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

5.     Don’t give advice! Don’t tell your own story.  Instead say “How can I help?”

6.     Better to say “Oh, that’s so awful I don’t know what to say,” than to say “At least you’re still alive” or some such thing. Empathetic statements rarely or never start with “at least.” Trying to make things better, or “silver line” the dark cloud does not help. Rather, it minimizes their feelings.

7.      Ask them, “How are you really feeling?” Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” You DON”T know how they feel, even f you’ve gone through the exact same thing. That puts the attention onto yourself rather than empathizing with them, and is somewhat presumptuous. 

8.     The phrase “It happened for a reason,” or “It’s God’s will” never is helpful! (One author called it psychological violence!)  Instead say “How can I pray for you?”

9.     Say “Give yourself time to heal,” rather than “You’ll get over this in no time.”

10.   Assure them that you’ll be here for them, do not say, “You’ll be fine.”

You can bring healing to someone just by listening. Perhaps they could teach the art of listening in schools. And colleges. And seminaries.

But all of us can learn these skills, so let’s do it!

Grrr #$%&* Anger!

It’s like blowing your nose or going to the bathroom, it’s so common. But, what if a person did not know where or how to do these things? They’d make a mess at best, spread germs at worst. So it is with anger: we can handle it properly or we can let it destroy those we love.

It’s such a human emotion everyone has, and it has the power to destroy or motivate for good.

First of all, let’s talk about the causes of anger. It generally happens when we have a blocked goal. We react in anger because we did not get our way. Or we think we had a right to something and it’s been denied us. Whether we’re justified in being angry or not, we suddenly have feelings to deal with! They flood over us, and vie for control. What are we to do?

I’ll talk in a minute about ways to handle angry feelings. But first I want us to look at what’s behind anger. It could be pride, thinking we’re right, we’re better than the person who has opposed us. It could be bitterness, harboring a lot of resentment from unresolved conflicts inside. It could be from self-talk, what we tell ourselves has the power to fuel anger. Or it might be all 3 of these things. 

What does the Bible say? First of all, “Be angry but do not sin.” (Eph.4:26) We are told that this emotion is legitimate, everyone, including Jesus, gets angry. But to not sin? That’s the tricky part! When we hurt someone with our words, hurt their body, hurt ourselves, or hurt property we sin. Reacting in anger often leads to this (95% of the time?!), but we can avoid it by learning some anger management techniques.

A whole list of techniques is available! Here are a few:       

1.     Check your body to see how mad you are. Stop and relax, take deep breaths.

2.     Exercise

3.     Get away from the problem, go to a safe place.

4.     Think of the choices you have. Think of the consequences for each choice.

5.     Speak your feelings, say “I feel ______”

6.     Visualize a proud moment

7.     Take a warm bath.

8.     Hit something safe, like a pillow or kick a cushion.

9.     Robot/ragdoll: tighten your muscles like a robot, then let them go limp like a ragdoll.

10.  Visualize a STOP sign. The think of a time I handled anger well, to remind myself I can do it.

11.  Listen to soothing music

12.  Cry, let it out, sob.

The Bible says to be SLOW to anger, for the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God. (Ja. 1:20.) People tend to respect those who have self-control, and are slow to anger. Think about it, don’t you? Think of a person you know who shows self-discipline and does not get mad very much. You can do this too. We are told that we’ve not been given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-control. (II Tim 1:7)

What does fear have to do with it? Well, anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath are the primary emotions of fear and hurt. I show my clients a drawing of an iceberg, with anger at the top, and underneath are fear and hurt. So, when you get mad, there is likely some of both fear and hurt. You can ask yourself “What am I afraid of? How did I get hurt?” You may not be able to answer these questions, but just asking them can make you more self aware, and give you some control over your angry feelings.

Often our own self talk contributes to our anger. Take a look at these 4 things:

1.     Minimizing

2.     Awfulizing

3.     Demanding

4.     Shaming and Blaming

Minimizing is telling ourselves that “I can’t” or “I can’t stand.” We are telling ourselves that we are too weak to handle whatever happens! We convince ourselves that it will overwhelm us, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it does. Better self talk is “it would be hard, but I probably can.” That affirms our capability, and causes our angry feelings to go down substantially.

Awfulizing means telling ourselves “it’s a disaster.” Or, “the worst will probably happen.” Again, we’re saying that we can’t handle this horrible thing that is about to happen, and that feeds our fear. As we learned above, fear is one of the primary emotions that drive anger, so feeding it is not helpful. If our quest is to be less angry, we could say to ourselves, “It’s annoying or disappointing” and see if our angry feelings don’t subside.

Demanding is a big one. We think that other people SHOULD do something, and if they don’t we get mad. For some reason we tell ourselves that “they have to” do the thing or we have a right to be angry. Such thinking fuels our angry feelings. Can we control others? Better to say “I wish they would…” because this is realistic. It is much more healthy, and better for the blood pressure too.

Shaming and blaming come way too easily to us. “It’s their fault, and they are bad,” we rehearse to ourselves. Somehow we feel that shaming and/or blaming the other people lets us off the hook. Maybe it really is their fault. But does it help to be telling yourself that over and over again? No, it makes us feel angrier! Better to say quietly “take responsibility, who is perfect?” and let the angry feelings wash away.

Try these! They really work.

Encouragement in Jamaica

            “Some people come down here to build buildings, and you’re building lives,” said Randy, the leader of the Institute for Vocational Training and Development.  Thanks to your prayers, we were able to invest in the lives of precious people in Jamaica.

I taught 16 classes (they worked me hard for 4 days!), on such topics as Anger Control, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Tolerance, and Self-Control. Imagine how encouraging it was, when I asked the students what they were going to take away from the teaching, many of them said, “I learned that I need to forgive!” Such a truth can be life-changing, and it was very gratifying to hear. 

Discouragement is a frequent visitor to Kingdom workers, and Jamaica is no exception. The old Christmas Carol “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” says in verse 3:

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

We felt that way at times!  But then we looked up the lyrics, and were rejoicing to see verse 4:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

The weekend we left, two staff from the school, the principal and the guidance counselor, were in bad car accidents. It sobered us to think of the spiritual warfare going on, and we are determined to pray diligently for them. (They have been discharged from the hospital, but are in pain, and their cars are totaled.) “No weapon that is formed against you shall prosper…” Is. 54

Gail and Jill did a lot of counseling, which is so needed and they are very gifted at it. They also gave a presentation on Self-Care to the staff. Every year we’ve gone down there, the staff is more open and trusting of us. This time they were really engaged and open to what we had to say.

Last year there were 175 students at the Vocational School. This year, it doubled to 350, and it is still growing! Apparently the Jamaican government recently allocated more money to help the youth gain career skills. An answer to prayer for the country.

Jamaica is beautiful, diverse, and full of very talented people. We covet your prayers for the land, that God will pour out His Spirit on it and that many can see who they are in Christ.

Please pray for the school:  1) Wisdom to deal with such rapid growth; 2) Safety for Randy and the staff, they are under attack; 3) More young people to catch the vision to go down to Jamaica and invest in the precious people there.

Again, THANK YOU for your prayers! When we gather before the Throne, with people from “every tribe and tongue, and people and nation” (Rev. 5:9), many will thank YOU for investing your prayers in them. “The wrong shall fail, the right prevail…”

Encouragement is needed everywhere, whether in our homes for our spouses and children, our neighbors, friends, as well as to the uttermost parts of the earth. Let's be encouragers! Literally it is from the French word coure which means heart. Let's strengthen the hearts of people we know and love...