9 Things That Make You Unlikable/Likable

What do sincerity, transparency, and capable of understanding have in common? They are the three qualities that make you likable, according to a study by Travis Bradbury. Loneliness is a big problem that I’m confronted with every day in my practice, so I decided to share these 9 points with my readers. Note: the last three are the most important.

1.    Sharing too much too early. This makes you sound like you are using them as a sounding board. It’s evidence that you’re self-obsessed. Better to share a little at a time, listening generously, and let your relationship grow slowly.

2.  Having a closed mind. People who have their minds made up are not approachable.  “I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with the facts” is not an easy attitude to like! Better to be open-minded. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, it is polite and kind to find out why they think that way.

3.      Gossiping. You sound negative and spiteful. Better to look for something positive to talk about, and not delve into gossip.

4.      Name-dropping. People who name drop come across as insecure. Better to just talk about what you‘ve done and know, without bringing in any famous or important people you’ve encountered. Being friendly and considerate is more likable than trying to get attention through name-dropping.

5.      Whipping out your phone. People do it nowadays, but it is rude! Better to listen, concentrate on what they are saying. No text message is so important that it can’t wait till you’ve finished your conversation. Be validating, focus all your energy on the conversation with them.

6.    Emotional Hijacking. Exploding, throwing things, screaming, and crying all make your point, but they show how immature you are. You’ll be labeled as unstable and intimidating. Keep control of your emotions, and the other person will respect you much more.

7.      Not asking enough questions. This is a symptom of not really listening to them. You’re so focused on what you want to say, that you don’t really pay much attention to them. Asking clarifying questions shows a real interest in them. You’ll be surprised at how much appreciation you gain by asking questions.

8.      Being too serious. Balance your conversations, bring humor into them! It’s ok to be passionate about some things, but too much “Tunnel Vision” will detract from the subject. A mixture of passion and fun is more mature of you; better to relax a little and enjoy the person and the conversation.

9.       Humble-bragging. Some people think it is humble to put themselves down all the time. Such self-deprecation is really a mask for “look at me.” Deep down, the person is feeling shame, and is trying to get attention to affirm themselves that he/she really is worthy. It is a double wammy- not only is it an attention-getting-device, but it also it somewhat deceptive. Just be yourself without the self-deprecating comments. And accept compliments with a gracious “thank you.”  

Notice that the three qualities Bradbury found that made people like them were NOT being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive. Such things you are born with, but character is a choice. Emotional Intelligence is a choice. Let’s choose to develop our character and go deep.

No one likes a self-obsessed person. Everyone likes a real, transparent, considerate, and empathetic person.

By Travis Bradbury http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/9-things-that-make-you-unlikable/10/

Are Boundaries Biblical?

“It’s more blessed to give than receive,” quote many Christians, who think they are being selfish by setting boundaries. After all, it tells us to give liberally in the Bible (Acts 20:35, Luke 6:38) they argue, while suffering from lack of self-care.

Let’s look at some verses that bring balance to our lives. “Boundaries verses,” I call them.

Galatians 6:2 and 5 are the first ones. “Bear one another’s burdens,” we are exhorted by Paul. But he follows up quickly with the admonition “For each shall carry his own load.” It is understood that the first verse means to help others carry burdens that are too heavy for them: say when someone dies, or is very sick, or is moving.  But to take responsibility for someone else, the things that he/she should carry himself? That is neither good nor wise. An example is the adult child living at home, leeching off his parents. In rare situations the parent can help out, but how will he/she ever learn responsibility if the parent meets every need the (adult) child has? It works for them, so they’ll continue with an irresponsible lifestyle!

Matthew 25:1-13, the parable of the wise and foolish virgins, is a clear indication that we are to set boundaries and stick to them. “The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both of us…’” Jesus doesn’t encourage them to give up themselves, to sacrifice what is precious to them for the foolishness of the others. Rather, he applauds them for being wise. This passage very clearly speaks to us that boundaries are a godly thing to have.

In Matthew 11: 28-29 Jesus bids us come to Him if we are weary and heavily loaded down. If we are carrying too many burdens, we are not going to be able to enjoy the rest that he has for us. Other verses that speak to this are Hebrews 4:3-4, 9-11. “There remains therefore a rest for the children of God…” The Sabbath (referred to in the passage) is a boundary, set in place because God doesn’t want us to be workaholics! It’s His intention that we lead a balanced life.

 How many of us rest one day a week? I bet those who do see a remarkable reward in the family relationships. But the person who is caretaking her mentally ill friend, and managing her own 4 young children, and still volunteers to feed the homeless 3 times a month…how is that a light and easy yoke?

Psalm 131 is a precious psalm that describes a mother and her weaned child, quieting himself. What a beautiful picture of boundaries. The person doesn’t overextend himself/herself taking on more things than he/she can handle. “My heart is not proud (vs.1)” it says.

 Romans 12:3 expresses the same thing. “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to think.” Somehow we perceive of ourselves as able to bake 4 different batches of cookies for the bazaar, volunteer to clean the church basement, trim all the bushes in the community park, run for the school board, and still have enough energy left for our own family. What are we thinking? Of course, our family is the one who gets the short end of the stick.

We say “Yes” because we feel pressured to please everyone, and that is from our own shame.  Psychologists tell us that we need to care for ourselves, to be assertive enough to say NO sometimes. In Titus it says “For the grace of God…has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say NO to ungodliness…and live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives.” (Tit. 2:11,12) How can we love others if we don’t love ourselves? (Mark 12:30-31, Matt. 22:39)

The 10 commandments contain boundaries. “You must not steal,” indicates that God respects private property. Not socialism promoted by force.  By free will (as in Acts 4:32-35), yes, but free will is the guideline. “You must not commit murder” is an obvious boundary, as is “you must not covet.”

 In my experience, the people who are most critical of others are many times doing the most. Perhaps they are a little self-righteous. Perhaps they feel empty because they are so busy serving that they don’t have time to sit and build relationships. Sound like Martha? (Luke 10:38-42) They come to me with depression and anxiety, stemming largely from the lack of healthy self-love that allows you to be gentle and patient with yourself.

 And thus gentle and patient with others.

Set good boundaries. A boundary is simply a limit. It means saying “enough.” Get help if you can’t say no, can’t seem to set good limits. Perhaps there’s some co-dependency that you need to deal with. There are many more verses in the Bible that point to a balanced life (Prov. 11:1). Jesus is not a harsh taskmaster, who asks us to give beyond our means. He is meek and lowly of heart, and wants us to rest. To only “do the good works that He has prepared for us to walk in (Eph. 2:10)." After all, everything has a season, it might be the season to enjoy your little ones, or some such thing. (Ecc. 3:1-10) "He has made everything beautiful in its time."

 The fruit of the spirit will flourish in a life that is well cultivated with balance and boundaries.

Let’s glorify God by resting in Him!