Jamaican Me Smile...

In his groundbreaking book on justice, The Locus Effect, Gary Haugen addresses the need to change systems, not merely save individuals if we are to effectively help the victims of poverty. Spring Village Community Development Foundation is a vocational-technical college for young people ages 17-30 that clearly fits that model. (http://www.springvillage.org/training_institute) We were impressed to see about 200 young adults learning skills such as welding, electrical, chef, hospitality, and customer service. The head of the school, Randy Finnikin, told us that short-term teams such as ours provide a much-needed support to him and his over-worked staff. “You are like Aaron and Hur, holding up our arms in this battle,” he explained. (Exodus 17:11-12)

Our team comprised of several therapists and children’s workers who were invited down to Jamaica to teach parenting and marriage skills, do some counseling, and reach out to the children. We felt God’s anointing as we addressed dozens of young adults on the topic of Dating & Relationships, and they asked pointed, honest questions.  How to manage your feelings, how to show respect to others, and how to take care of yourself were three of the topics we taught on.

One missionary’s daughter said, “This is how you should do short term missions- have a staff that you can minister to year after year, and a new crop of students (each year) to hear what you have to say!”

We counseled quite a number of the staff members at the community center, and encouraged everyone we had the opportunity to share with. Training a woman to lead a domestic violence group was one thing we left down there this year that promises to multiply itself.

Particularly dear to my heart was a young couple, who came for premarital counseling two years ago, and in the ensuing years I have been able to address their needs as they grow together. Budding leaders, they were eager to learn God’s way of beginning their relationship. In Jamaica, 80% of children are born out of wedlock, and long lasting marriages are very rare, so this couple is courageously leading the way in going against the norm. Others we spoke with expressed desire to do likewise.

We were able to give beads to some people, and instruction on how to make jewelry. How this changed their countenance! It gave them hope and dignity for their future. Each year we haul suitcases full of books down there as well, which they receive gratefully.

The children touched us deeply as we tutored them in reading skills, and lavished them with attention. In the afternoons we ran a VBS, teaching Bible verses, songs, stories and crafts. “Why are the white people from America so kind and nice? one girl asked. “Jesus has done so much for us, we want to let others know of His great love!” I replied. Our team leader told us that these children probably would not get any hugs until the next team comes down to minister. Lord, raise up laborers for the harvest, and change the system.

The first year, while we were in Spring Village, the initiator of Jamaica Missions, and spiritual father to many (including Randy) passed into glory. This added element of grieving and scurrying to make travel arrangements for bringing half a dozen Jamaicans to the funeral in Minnesota added another dimension to our time there. We felt grateful to be a small part in the overall picture of God’s plan for Jamaica that was made into a reality by this visionary; and we were challenged as we got a glimpse into the legacy of a great man of God. His life truly has borne tremendous amounts of fruit.

The other women I went with were some of the most encouraging, godly people I have ever worked with on an overseas trip. Because of their rich years of single-minded devotion to the Lord, I learned much both personally and professionally from them, and have come home very refreshed in my heart each time. Who would think that going to a developing nation to serve would restore one’s soul? Only God can do such things!

We needed to be concerned for safety, as there were pockets of danger around. The culture of poverty is strong, and violence is very real in some of the villages. Lord, raise up laborers for the harvest, and change the system.

Please pray for Jamaica. This heart-gripping ministry leaves an indelible mark on all of us, and there’s a reason we return there year after year. Someday there will be no more tears and suffering, and people from every nation and tongue will worship around the throne. Until then we serve on, confident that His word will indeed bring sweet, beautiful, eternal fruit.

With all due respect...

In this culture of disrespect, how can we show respect to the one we love?  Here are four DO’s and four DON'T’s:

1)    Do listen. How often do we just brush the person off, pretending to listen while we are really formulating in our mind what we’re going to retort? Or, we are pre-occupied with something else, so we “half listen?” It’s very invalidating to be listened to “half way”, and I’d suggest 10 minutes of real, active listening. Ask questions! Repeat back to them “I heard you say…” Say “Uh huh, MMMM, and things like that that show them you are listening. They are worth it, now, aren’t they?

2)    Appreciate each other. Gratitude is the opposite of complaining, and has many benefits. If you say what you appreciate about them, it has twice the benefits, for it enhances your relationship. Do so every day, set aside a time to tell each other what you are thankful for. Especially character qualities: hard work, integrity, compassion, kindness, sensitivity to needs, maturity… these things carry more weight than compliments on performance or looks. (Although once in a while, guys, tell you wife she is beautiful!)

3)    Affirm the person. This is similar to appreciating them, but different too. They NEED encouragement, and you can provide it. Maybe they are trying to do something hard, a project for work. Or maybe they’re worn out from battling small children all day. “Anxiety in the heart of one weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.” (Prov. 12:25) With effort, you can encourage/affirm her or him!

4)    Believe the best! Often we assume the worst about the person’s motives, without even asking them. Stop and think: am I believing the best? If he/she is late for dinner without calling you, do you assume it’s because he/she is seeing someone else? Or could it be because they are helping someone who needs help? You choose! Everyday we choose what we are going to believe about our spouse.

Now some DON’T’s:            

Husbands: Don’t try to fix the problem! Listen first, then ask if she wants a solution, or if she just wants to vent. This is hard for husbands, as the natural inclination of the male brain is to fix the problem! But you need to RESIST you first inclination, and listen empathetically. I know that is hard, but you can do it if you try. (If you forget, apologize, and listen a bit more)

The other thing that husbands routinely do is try to multitask when she is talking to you. Don’t look at your phone or I-pad, or your computer, or the TV screen when she is talking! You can give her some undivided attention. Maybe you could pre-arrange how much, say 10 minutes. But it is crucial that you do so!

Wives: Don’t expect your husbands to read your minds! We all wish they could anticipate our every wish, but the truth is they can’t. Not even close. So, you need to tell them, respectfully, “I wish you’d bring me flowers sometime.” Or take out the garbage, or whatever else you wish.

Another don’t is to criticize them harshly. They perceive criticism and conflict over it as contempt. Better to say “I feel unhappy/confused when you …” This is an I-message and sets up the stage for constructive solving of the problem. Otherwise, if you bring it in a sarcastic, insulting, or contemptuous way the conflict will almost always result in harshness. Not productive.

Both of you: An additional thing to remember is when fighting, don’t say “You always” or “You never.” After all, this is an exaggeration, right? Better to say “you rarely or you frequently.” This is more moderate language, and leads to more moderate emotions.

So, as you grow together, the wives need to learn how to respect their husbands. The husbands need to learn how to love their wives. It is possible to get off of what Emerson Eggeriches calls “The Crazy Cycle,” and get on “The Energizing Cycle.” (If you haven’t looked at the book Love and Respect by him, I’d recommend that you get it and read it.  The marriages that have been saved and improved by it are numerous!)

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