In my office, I see younger
and younger kids depressed. It’s alarming. The problem?
ENTITLEMENTITIS.
I read a book recently, which
I marveled at, for it has the power to rescue kids from such a fate. The book
is Raising Grateful Kids in an
Entitled World. The title caught my eye on Amazon, so I ordered it, and
read half of it the day I got it. https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Grateful-Kids-Entitled-World/dp/1496405293
WOW! Kristen Welch (the
author) knows what she’s talking about. http://wearethatfamily.com/blog/
Listen to some quotes from
the book: “[The American Dream is] bigger, more, newer is better. Everyone must
have the newest gadget, and fun, fun, fun at all times. Happiness all the time
is the goal for everyone.” (p. 6)
“When entitlement’s poison
begins to infect our hearts, gratitude is the antidote.” (p. 154)
“Gratitude and happiness are
so closely associated they are hard to distinguish from each other. ..Simply
counting our blessings in a routine way works wonders.” (C. Carter, p. 155)
Or this one from Richard and
Linda Eyre The Entitlement Trap:
“Kids
grow up in a reality show world, thinking of themselves as the central
characters on the stage. They have a Facebook page, they are famous in their
own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need)
for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility.
Nor is there any incentive or motivation to learn to work. And they think they
are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.” (p. 14)
What are kids going to do
when they discover that they are not so important? That they are not the center
of the universe? That life isn’t all about having fun? That they aren’t so
special or exceptional that they can do anything that they want to …without
much effort?
They might harm themselves. Or
turn to substances to numb the pain. Or worse, kill themselves, thinking “If I
can’t have what I want, life isn’t worth living…”
Suicide is the period at the
end of a sentence that no one is listening to. It’s also a permanent solution
for a temporary problem. And it’s starting to be a problem at a younger and
younger age.
Suicide is the third highest
killer of teens.*
You see, kids commit suicide
when life doesn’t meet their expectations. And the expectations of today’s kids
are out of sight!
What can we do, you ask? My suggestion
is read the book! Follow the advice in it! We do have to the power to turn the
tide of the entitlement that is poisoning our kids.
I want to scare you. I want
to frighten you into changing how you parent. Into setting more limits on media
and cell phones. Into intentional teaching of gratitude, through projects. A
change in our own attitudes.
Kids need two things to grow
up with hope:
1) They need to be able to
handle disappointment well. (Do your kids?)
2) They need to have
realistic expectations for life. (Do your kids?)
Gratitude is the answer to
both of these. The book I am touting gives positive, concrete answers at the
end of each chapter to parents looking for ways to teach their kids to be
thankful. Remember, we have to TEACH thankfulness to kids, the default mode is
self-centeredness, the “selfie.”
There isn’t time in this blog
to address the social media and cell phone problem. Perhaps I’ll address that
in another blog. But suffice it to say, that there is a marked increase in
depression resulting from these things. I’ve seen it in the counseling room.
I’ve even experienced it in my own life. How do we combat it, for those we love
the most?
Some suggestions:
1) Have one day a week media free.
2) Monitor texting and other conversations. An app that
is helpful is www.TeenSafe.com
3) Create a family mission statement and hang it on the
wall. Then refer to it when making decisions about spending money and time
priorities.
4) Clean out closets & drawers, and urge your kids to
give away not only what they don’t want anymore, but something they really love
to share with someone else.
5) Challenge them to compare themselves with those in
poverty, not just the neighbor down the street.
Spend time with those less fortunate on monthly field trips to give them perspective.
6) Let your kids be bored once in a while. It’s a healthy
exercise to spark creativity.
7) Resist the urge to tell your kids they are special.
Instead say, “God made you unique, there’s no one else like you.”
8) Create a chore routine. A “job jar” which contains
written chores that the kids draw out is one way to do Saturday cleaning.
9) Look for opportunities to serve outside your home:
rake someone’s yard, make cookies for neighbors, clean up trash at the park.
Visit a homeless shelter or a cancer ward together.
10) Resist the urge to bail your child out, especially if
it is a repeat offense like being forgetful or irresponsible. They won’t die if
they don’t have lunch one day, but they’ll remember it from now on.
11) Have a meal of rice and beans once or twice a month.
It's, after all, how most of the world lives.
12) Watch your mouth. Negative talk can influence how we
think.** Hand out rubber bands, and every time you complain, snap it for 24
hours. This can show you how much you grumble, and encourage you to talk
positively.
These are a few of the
suggestions from Raising Grateful Kids
in an Entitled World. The sub-title is How One Family Learned that Saying No Can Lead to Life’s Biggest Yes.
We want our kids to say YES to life! How vital to teach them these things!
Focus on character, in ourselves and our kids. It’ll be hard at first, but the
end result will bring joy to everyone. Instead of sorrow…
Note: If you have a teen or a
tween that is suicidal, I urge you to get professional help. But be ready to
change. In my 35 years of working with kids, it’s when the parents change that
I’ve seen the greatest progress in the kids.
