Temper Tantrums: 3 Tips

Temper Tantrums

You’re in the cereal aisle when World War III breaks out. Your five year old son is screaming that he wants the Chocolate Critters with Marshmallow Frosting and you say no. Oh no! What a mean mommy you are! How are you going to handle the scene? EVERYONE in the store can hear him shouting at you, accusing you of being a horrible monster…

Parents everywhere face similar meltdowns from their children. It is NOT, as believed, a sign of poor parenting, but of good parenting! (“This is the reward?” you must be thinking.) The parent who says “yes” all the time to avoid meltdowns will regret it in the future. Here are three steps to handle to weapons that children will use to get their own way.

1)      Stop talking. 1-2-3 Magic expert Dr. Phelan says “Children see parents’ reasons and explanations as parental whimpering- sure signs that the parent doesn’t know what he or she is doing.” The kid senses that the parent isn’t sure, and presses in for the victory. And too often they win.

 Words that parents speak only pour gas on the fire.  Parents need to be gentle and firm with decisive action. Not words. Use a maximum of 10 words when the child is emotional. Better only one or two.

2)      Play it cool, don’t react.  How we handle it in the first 10 seconds is everything, and the best thing to do is nothing. Do not make eye contact, do not talk to her/him, ignore as much as is possible. There might need to be consequences, such as putting him in his room. (Or it may help just to sit with her until she calms down, not saying anything.) Checking out will surprise and bewilder the little ones; they will soon realize that tantrum get them one thing: Nothing.

3)      Be consistent. In public places, the child will soon figure out what works for him. She will yell and act up if she knows the parents will give in. Best to have your battle plan set before it happens. We will leave the store. Nothing you need is as important as the lesson that your child is not in charge.

Once your child (and you) have calmed down, talk about what happened, and how to avoid it in the future.  Briefly! Avoid shaming him/her, which long lectures do. Your child needs to know that she will be heard, but AFTER he calms down. And she needs to accept the fact that you are in charge. “Love you too much to argue,” is a commonly used phrase, MUCH BETTER than “Because I said so.”

Note: Your child will repeat it in the future, so don’t be surprised when he does. The goal is to have the tantrums be further apart and shorter, that’s progress.

Your child is watching you to see how you will react to his temper tantrum. Show him that you are cool, calm, and collected- and you love him too much to let him win.

How Do I Teach My Kids About Money?

Teaching Kids about Money

When should kids have an allowance? How much should it be? Should it depend on chores done? What is reasonable to expect for what age? How can I teach my child to save? To give? To tithe? These and many more questions plague parents.

There are two words we need to understand. Intentionality is the first one. You’ve got to be intentional about it, and you’ve got to be consistent. Doing or saying nothing will leave your kids in the default mode: that’s letting money control them. A scary thought!

The second word is Entitlementitis, which is rampant in our children’s generation. We can stem the tide by teaching them to appreciate things they have. Thankfulness is the opposite of Entitlementitis. It’s hard to go against the culture of affluence and “give me, give me,” but it can be done!

Here are three suggestions:

1)     Give them an allowance. Not a lot, but enough for them to have a little bit of free spending money that they can choose what to do with. Then give them 4 containers (baby food jars work well) with the following labels on them: Tithe, Give, Save, Spend. Talk with them about what each jar represents. Tithe is 10% which we give to God because He says to. After all, it’s He that gives us the power to make wealth (Deut. 8:18). We want to save and give some of our money because that builds character! Talk about each of these especially future goals and generosity. This can be a good discussion, and an on-going one.

2)      

 They should have the opportunity to do some chores for simply being a member of the family. Setting & clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, feeding the pet, making the bed, emptying the garbage are a few that come to mind. Then they should have the opportunity to do some paying jobs, to earn extra money. Cleaning up the dog-pooh from the yard, helping mom or dad clean the pantry or the garage. You can probably think (with intentionality and effort!) of a number of jobs that need to be done, that kids can do. Put them in a “job jar.” 

3) Some parents pay their kids a commission based on how well or how often they do their chores. This is an intriguing idea, and may well be useful for your family. Read Smart Money, Smart Kids by Dave Ramsey and get some ideas from there.

As the kids get older, their needs change. They may want a pair of shoes for $400. Or a Smartphone! You can negotiate with them, agree to pay what a pair of “regular” shoes will cost and they make up the difference. Or pay half. My parents taught us to save for things by agreeing to pay half, and I remember saving for months to get that coveted doll.

Kids appreciate things they work for and pay for. “I will not offer up to the Lord that which costs me nothing” (II Sam. 24:24) Let’s keep on keeping on for our children’s sake. They’ll thank us someday!

Why Do I Procrastinate?

Procrastination

“I won’t do it now, I’ll do it later.” Procrastination is, unfortunately, a familiar companion to many of us on this life’s journey.  Why do we put things off? We know in our mind that it is not the best, that we might even regret it later on!

I’d like to suggest that there are 7 reasons why we procrastinate.

1)The Perfectionist. “Well, I don’t have enough time to do it perfectly, so I won’t do it now.” Alfred Adler was famous for saying we need to develop the courage to be imperfect. So, it’s a matter of courage- we’re afraid we might fail. Or fail to be the best. Or fail to win someone else‘s approval.

2)  The Adrenaline-Junkie “I’ll put it off till it’s exciting to do it. When there’s little time, there’s more pressure, and I like that feeling.”  Many of us operate like this, but it isn’t wise or mature. It’s letting our feelings run amok, not caring what is best. Which is better: to feel good doing it, or to do a good job?

3)  Passive -Aggressive, or Defiant “You can’t tell me what to do. Sure I’ll do it, but you can’t make me. I’ll do it in my own time…” We often deny this, but it is hidden in the depths of our heart. Really, you are rebelling against the thought (or the person) who said you have to do it. Recognize it for what it is!

4) It's not a fun task. Other things that are more fun get higher priority. This goes for things that are easier, or just things that I like better. Unpleasant tasks will remain as low a priority as possible until there is no other option (like a deadline) or it's no longer tolerable (like laundry or garbage). You could call this the path of least resistance. Again, not a mature or wise way to live, and we can overcome it by positive self-talk.  

5) ADHD. A description of ADHD, which I've found to be often accurate: everything is top priority, especially what I'm thinking about NOW. And NOW. And NOW. This can CREATE the situation in #2, where the pressure of a deadline creates a hyperproductivity and adrenaline rush, but it's exhausting to always live this way. Seek out help if you are a person who struggles with ADHD!

6) Lack of reward/payoff. A lot of times the payoff for finishing or doing a good job just isn't as high as we want it to be. This doesn't justify doing a substandard job or not making a deadline, but it does make it a lot less appealing at any given moment. This seems almost the opposite of the perfectionist one, but the phrase "better done than perfect" has helped me a lot with both.

7) Big picture overwhelm. For people who have trouble with details, especially dreamers, the big picture of how much there is to do total can be paralyzing. It can keep us from starting. This goes for everything from cleaning my room as a kid to designing a new course or reorganizing a room in the house. We have the vision, but the many steps it's going to take to accomplish it causes us to put it off until some "future point where I have all the time and resources." Which usually never comes. While dreamers are notorious for talking about things they'll probably never do, some of those things are things they probably could do, but are putting off. 

Get help from a practical person for this! There are lots of people who can help you make a dream become a goal: setting up steps to accomplish it. The world needs visionaries AND practical people; so if you’re a visionary, team up with someone who can help your dream become a reality.

These insights may help us because they take us deeper than the behavior. The procrastination is the fruit of one, or several, of these thoughts.  But with intentionality and effort, we can get the upper hand on it, make improvements. How gratifying would THAT be?!

(Thanks to Jon Gill for his valuable help on this blog.)