Grief
It’s been 10
months since Dad died, so I think a blog on grief is in order. We all will have
times of grieving ourselves. And we all will have people to comfort who are
grieving. ALL of us, that’s 100% of humans. Will we comfort with wisdom and
understanding, or use meaningless platitudes? The latter can cause more pain,
suffering, heartache. Do we want to be guilty of that? Read on….
“I acknowledge your pain. I’m here
with you.”
Notice that
I said with you not for you. For you implies that you’re
going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your
loved one, to suffer with them, is incredibly powerful. Just be present, as
long as is necessary. Don’t leave when
you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In
fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that
you must stay. It’s in those places- in
the shadows of horror where we rarely allow ourselves to enter- where the
beginnings of healing are found. The healing is found when we have others who
are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth
needs these people.
Some things in life cannot be fixed,
they can only be carried. Grief is brutally painful.
To say the awful words “Everything
happens for a reason” is spiritual, emotional, and psychological violence. It denies their humanity. It robs
them of the chance to grieve! It shows a tremendous lack of understanding on
the part of the person who says it. In so
doing, we steal a bit of their freedom at the intersection of their greatest
fragility and despair.
Wow, digest
that for a minute. Re-read the last paragraph. Think about the last time you
said that. Vow never to say it again!
Grief does
not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve.
When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you
grieve.
Yet our
culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed.
We've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now,
when you're faced with tragedy, you usually find that you're no longer
surrounded by people — you're surrounded by platitudes. (Tim Lawrence)
Mistakes
well-meaning people make in trying to help those who grieve:
1.
Not listening well
a. Giving unasked-for advice
b. Minimizing the pain, saying “I know
how you feel”
c. Giving them quick solutions
d. Criticizing them
e. Becoming distracted, not really
listening with the heart
f. Becoming impatient, or putting them
on a time schedule
2.
Misunderstanding of the need for processing grief
a. Not allowing the person to feel angry
or hopeless
b. Trying to hurry them along in the
process
c. Harboring the belief that crying is
not acceptable
d. Expectation that they will “get over
it & move on” quickly
e. Trying to teach them before they are
ready
f. Pressuring them to forgive before
they have processed and are ready.
With children, remember:
1. Children’s brains are not yet fully
developed, so they react in fear much
more quickly
2. Do not lecture, teach, or give them sermons
3. They learn best by doing, action, movement, physical touch, activities with things
like art and games. Drawing is very powerful.
4. Tell stories!
Joseph in the Bible (Genesis 37-50) is an excellent one to help them grasp
seemingly senseless pain and unjust suffering
5. Listen, listen, listen. Allow them to share
their feelings and do not criticize them for doing so.
6. Set guidelines for their behavior (example: it is OK to get angry, but
not to hurt anyone or property)
7.
Be ready to simply sit with them, play with them, hold them, and use few or no words.
8. Ask them if they are ready to share; do not force them to do
so.
Let’s be
emotionally intelligent people! Let’s really comfort people, not add to their
pain.
