How can I motivate
someone to change?
Out of our love and concern for friends and
family members, we attempt to get them to change. Desperate to help them avoid pain, get out of
bad situations, or a variety of other good-hearted reasons, we use every trick
we know of to convince them to listen to us.
Yet, so often nothing works. Or they change temporarily, but soon they
revert back to their old behaviors.
Why? Could
it be that we are using ineffective means to accomplish our goal?
When a person
has grown to a certain level of maturity, they begin to think for themselves.
Yet, too often we use ways to try to influence them that do not respect their
right to have a voice and a choice. Those who do effectively aid their friends
and family members to change, focus on facilitating and engaging intrinsic
motivation. Behavior change only
lasts when the person is motivated from the heart.
Here are
four ineffective means we use, no doubt all of us can relate to them. I will
give an example of the effective ways, (probably each of us can come up with
examples of the ineffective ways!)
1)
We use confrontation, rather than collaboration
2)
We use education, rather than evocation
3)
We use authority, rather than autonomy
4)
We use explanation rather than exploration
First confrontation: Rather than pointing
out the errors in their thinking directly, how about approach them with the
attitude: How can we solve this
together? This is less harsh and judgmental, as many confrontations as
are based on the assumption that “I am right and you are wrong” and they
communicate to the person that we think they are bad for disagreeing with us. Collaborative
problem solving shows them that
we respect their dignity and value the relationship above our need to be
“right.”
Secondly, education, which is the default mode
of many parents, teachers, and other authorities: the lecture. If I had a
quarter for every time a young person told me their parents lectured them I
could retire. Talking at a person is belittling, and usually less than
1% of the content is retained by the listener. How foolish of us to continue to
use this method!
Rather, use such things as reflective listening to engage
with them and gain their trust. “I heard you say…” “You strike me as very
perceptive (intelligent, courageous, etc.)”
“I liked your comment, your story about…” Reflective listening
and affirming character qualities are two helpful tools to engage and gain
their trust. Then elicit change talk "How might you like things to be
different?" or "How
does ______ interfere with things that you would like to do?" What do you
stand to lose? How does this line up with your goals?
Thirdly, authority, has been so misused
that young people are becoming increasingly resistant to it. When authority is
evoked, the person wielding it either employs some type of force, punishment,
consequence, OR has to win the trust of the person he/she is speaking to.
Obviously there are situations, particularly with young and vulnerable children
where authority needs to be enforced.
But to motivate
another adult (or young adult) to change, it is highly ineffective to use
authority. The word “bully” comes to mind, and unfortunately in religious
systems, “spiritual abuse.” Evoke
motivation by helping them identify their goals, and plan the next steps. Goals
should be small, important to them, specific, realistic, and oriented in the
present and/or future.
“What’s one thing
you can do, a baby step in that direction that will work for you?” Respect
for their autonomy is a vital component of truly motivating them to make
better decisions. And it will help them learn to trust authority more, as they
will see it can be there to build them up, not tear them down.
Finally, explore with them. Explanation falls into
the same category as education, defaulting to a flood of words, which go
unheard and fuel discouragement. Asking them to look at their readiness: “How
important on a scale of 1-10?” and willingness: “How desperate are you?” is very helpful. Sometimes they need to explore
how realistic their goal is: “What do
you need to do this?” Engage in
problem-solving to explore how they can get what they need to reach their goal.
This is highly motivating and encouraging.
Let’s learn to work with our friends, older children, and
colleagues rather than against them. Certainly this will bring more peace in
our families, places of work, and faith communities!
