Christmas Eating: Under Control!

“’Tis the Season” we hear and inside many of us cringe. Too busy, too much food, spending too much, what to give the person who has everything. Oh and did I say over-indulgence runs rampant? Over-extended, over-stressed, and then feeling guilty for not enjoying the season of Peace and Joy. Does that sound familiar? Now, be honest!

And lest you think I am a Scrooge, advocating cancelling Christmas, please read on. I’d like to suggest, we can enjoy it more fully if we simplify, pace ourselves, and scale back in several areas.

And especially eating. This blog will deal with that. It seems that every social event specializes in providing large amounts of rich food, and of course we feel obligated to try it all. It gets to the point where we don’t enjoy it any more, as the feeling of being perpetually full steals the joy of the good flavor. Not to mention the guilt we feel when our pants fit more snugly, and we rue the last 12 desserts we ate.

What strategies work to help us practice self control? Food is certainly meant to be enjoyed, and eating is one of the greatest pleasures afforded humankind! But in our land of plenty, we forget that there are other pleasures too.

Hedonism focuses on self and doesn’t take into account the focus on others, and the satisfaction that comes from saying “no.”

Practical strategies are the only kind I will even consider writing about.  On a day when you feast because it’s the company Christmas party, then do so with abandon! But the next day, limit your food intake. You really don’t need three big or even average meals on the next day. On the day your family celebrates Christmas with a grandiose table loaded with perhaps several meats and treats that you dream about all year long, go ahead and enjoy it! But the day before and the day after, eat significantly less. Your goal is to enjoy, right?  Well, you will enjoy it even more if you do this.

Another strategy that works is to eat more slowly. Think of the word savor. Teach our children to savor each bite (we can only do that if we learn to do it ourselves), rather than hurry. A small piece of pie can that way bring us much more satisfaction than a large one. Let yourself notice each aspect of various flavors and textures. Talk about them. Enjoyment will be heightened. (Of course, add to that the satisfaction of going home and not needing Tums.)

 The law of diminishing returns is always in effect. No matter how much pleasure we derive from things like good food and drink, it will take more to make us feel good. Unless we deny ourselves for a day or two. Then we return to thankfulness mode and appreciate every bite.

Hmmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing?!

How to Defeat the Gimmes

How, in a culture gone mad with materialism, do we teach our kids that “it is more blessed to give than to receive?”   There is no time that is more important to remember and teach this to our children than during the Christmas season! 

An article in a Focus on the Family magazine that addressed that very topic impressed me.  The author reports watching in dismay as their children grabbed the gifts, opened them hastily and without expressing any thanks, greedily went on looking for more. Then the children complained when they didn’t get “as many” as a sibling, or everything they wanted.

Out of one child’s mouth came the very definition of entitlement: “Is that all there are…?” What could be more disheartening to a Christian parent?

When I was growing up my family instituted a practice that we have also used with our children.  On Christmas morning, (or whenever the gifts are opened), one person selects a gift from under the tree for any family member he or she chooses and gives it to them. Everyone watches as that person opens it, enjoying it with him or her. After the recipient has thanked the giver, he or she gets up and gives one gift to someone else in the family. And it goes on this way until all the gifts are opened.

Here are some of the results of this structured giving. The kids usually choose their own gifts to hand out first.  We hear comments like “I know you’re going to like this!”  which show that they are truly delighting in the giving (as per Acts 20:35). Each person enjoys being the center of attention while they are opening their gift, and everyone learns to share the joy of someone else receiving a nice present.

The focus becomes more on the people giving and receiving the gifts than the gift itself, truly an advantage in our society, which is inundated with “stuff.”  Sometimes the kids will say things like, “Oh, Dad hasn’t opened a present for a while, where’s one for him?”  It brings order to the otherwise free-for-all that occurs where there is no structure, and the kids seem to enjoy it more. 

All children need a balance of structure and nurture. And role models. It is up to us to model for them godly character: self-control, patience, love of giving, and unselfishness that are the hallmarks of our faith in Christ.

 Giving to charity, volunteering at homeless shelters, filling gifts boxes for the less fortunate, even dropping money in the Salvation Army kettles teach valuable lessons to those little eyes which are constantly watching.

What values will we pass on to the next generation?  May this be a season of truly honoring Him in our homes rather than succumbing to the dictates of our ever-darkening culture. 

A Different Perspective on Suicide

In my office, I see younger and younger kids depressed. It’s alarming. The problem? ENTITLEMENTITIS.

I read a book recently, which I marveled at, for it has the power to rescue kids from such a fate. The book is Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. The title caught my eye on Amazon, so I ordered it, and read half of it the day I got it. https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Grateful-Kids-Entitled-World/dp/1496405293

WOW! Kristen Welch (the author) knows what she’s talking about. http://wearethatfamily.com/blog/

Listen to some quotes from the book: “[The American Dream is] bigger, more, newer is better. Everyone must have the newest gadget, and fun, fun, fun at all times. Happiness all the time is the goal for everyone.” (p. 6)

“When entitlement’s poison begins to infect our hearts, gratitude is the antidote.” (p. 154)

“Gratitude and happiness are so closely associated they are hard to distinguish from each other. ..Simply counting our blessings in a routine way works wonders.” (C. Carter, p. 155)

Or this one from Richard and Linda Eyre The Entitlement Trap:

“Kids grow up in a reality show world, thinking of themselves as the central characters on the stage. They have a Facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there any incentive or motivation to learn to work. And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.” (p. 14)

What are kids going to do when they discover that they are not so important? That they are not the center of the universe? That life isn’t all about having fun? That they aren’t so special or exceptional that they can do anything that they want to …without much effort?

They might harm themselves. Or turn to substances to numb the pain. Or worse, kill themselves, thinking “If I can’t have what I want, life isn’t worth living…”

Suicide is the period at the end of a sentence that no one is listening to. It’s also a permanent solution for a temporary problem. And it’s starting to be a problem at a younger and younger age.

Suicide is the third highest killer of teens.*

You see, kids commit suicide when life doesn’t meet their expectations. And the expectations of today’s kids are out of sight!

What can we do, you ask? My suggestion is read the book! Follow the advice in it! We do have to the power to turn the tide of the entitlement that is poisoning our kids.

I want to scare you. I want to frighten you into changing how you parent. Into setting more limits on media and cell phones. Into intentional teaching of gratitude, through projects. A change in our own attitudes.

Kids need two things to grow up with hope:

1) They need to be able to handle disappointment well. (Do your kids?)

2) They need to have realistic expectations for life. (Do your kids?)

Gratitude is the answer to both of these. The book I am touting gives positive, concrete answers at the end of each chapter to parents looking for ways to teach their kids to be thankful. Remember, we have to TEACH thankfulness to kids, the default mode is self-centeredness, the “selfie.”

There isn’t time in this blog to address the social media and cell phone problem. Perhaps I’ll address that in another blog. But suffice it to say, that there is a marked increase in depression resulting from these things. I’ve seen it in the counseling room. I’ve even experienced it in my own life. How do we combat it, for those we love the most?

Some suggestions:    

            1) Have one day a week media free.

            2) Monitor texting and other conversations. An app that is helpful is www.TeenSafe.com

            3) Create a family mission statement and hang it on the wall. Then refer to it when making decisions about spending money and time priorities.

            4) Clean out closets & drawers, and urge your kids to give away not only what they don’t want anymore, but something they really love to share with someone else.

            5) Challenge them to compare themselves with those in poverty, not just the neighbor down the street.  Spend time with those less fortunate on monthly field trips to give them perspective.

            6) Let your kids be bored once in a while. It’s a healthy exercise to spark creativity.

            7) Resist the urge to tell your kids they are special. Instead say, “God made you unique, there’s no one else like you.”

            8) Create a chore routine. A “job jar” which contains written chores that the kids draw out is one way to do Saturday cleaning.

            9) Look for opportunities to serve outside your home: rake someone’s yard, make cookies for neighbors, clean up trash at the park. Visit a homeless shelter or a cancer ward together.

            10) Resist the urge to bail your child out, especially if it is a repeat offense like being forgetful or irresponsible. They won’t die if they don’t have lunch one day, but they’ll remember it from now on.

            11) Have a meal of rice and beans once or twice a month. It's, after all, how most of the world lives.

            12) Watch your mouth. Negative talk can influence how we think.** Hand out rubber bands, and every time you complain, snap it for 24 hours. This can show you how much you grumble, and encourage you to talk positively.

These are a few of the suggestions from Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. The sub-title is How One Family Learned that Saying No Can Lead to Life’s Biggest Yes. We want our kids to say YES to life! How vital to teach them these things! Focus on character, in ourselves and our kids. It’ll be hard at first, but the end result will bring joy to everyone. Instead of sorrow…

Note: If you have a teen or a tween that is suicidal, I urge you to get professional help. But be ready to change. In my 35 years of working with kids, it’s when the parents change that I’ve seen the greatest progress in the kids.

*https://www.qualityhealth.com/depression-articles/top-health-reasons-why-young-people-die

** http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_stops_gratitude.

Kindness:12 Kids' Books for Any Age

Kindness: how do we teach it? After this election, leaving the country so divided, we need to be intentional about setting the bar high. Kindness has never been more needed.

My husband wrote these words the day after the election:

“Neither the President nor the Congress can force anyone to hate. Cannot force anyone to be a bigot. Or a racist.... Or a rapist.

No government can force us to destroy another person.

We make those choices ourselves.

We can choose to love. That will never be illegal.

We can choose to be kind. There can be no laws against kindness.

We can be joyful, peaceful, patient, and faithful regardless of what party is in power.

Let us put aside the bitterness stirred up during this election. Let us be the people who can truly govern ourselves. Let us demonstrate what we want ALL of our leaders to be.

Because ultimately, our leaders are a reflection of who we really are. If we hate, then our leaders will lead our hate. If we seek to demean and insult others, our leaders actually follow our lead.

Let us show both parties that we do not want a country where we tear each other down in order for ourselves to rise. Let us stand firm for mercy, justice, and peaceful living.

That, more than anything a government can do, will actually change this country.”

So, I have a list here of 12 books that we can read our kids (or just read ourselves, for the kid in each of us). Enjoy…
1. We All Sing With The Same Voice by J. Philip Miller and Sheppard M. Greene

View this image › What It’s About: This is a song book that connects kids around the world. The verses highlight differences between kids, illustrated on the pages of the book. The chorus brings all of these kids with many differences together, singing “We all sing with the same voice. The same song. The same voice. We all sing with the same voice and we sing in harmony.”

Why It’s Important: Not only will the music engage kids as young as three, but it also encourages global awareness and connection at a young age. Everyone is different and unique, and this book celebrates those differences while singing together as friends.

2. Have You Filled A Bucket Today? A Guide To Daily Happiness For Kids by Carol McCloud

View this image › What It’s About: This book introduces an idea that everyone has an “invisible bucket.” These buckets are used to hold your good thoughts and feelings about yourself. When you do something kind, you help fill someone else’s bucket.

Why It’s Important: This provides kids with a visual representation of the importance of kindness. It focuses on social interactions and how our actions positively or negatively affect other people. This book would be especially beneficial as kids begin to develop empathy towards others.

3. A Sick Day For Amos McGee by Philip C. Stead and Erin E. Stead

View this image › What It’s About: This story is about a zookeeper who is great friends with all of the animals and takes the time out of his day to do what they like with them. One day, he is too sick to go to work and the animals decide to come and visit him.

Why It’s Important: This sweet story shows how kind actions towards others are repaid. The animals all take care of Amos when he needs a friend, which shows children how important continual kindness towards others is.

4. Each Kindness by Jacqueline Woodson

View this image › What It’s About: This story is about a new girl at school, named Maya and how Chloe, who has gone to the school for a while, reacts when she arrives. Chloe is not welcoming towards Maya, and excludes her from the group games. Maya leaves and Chloe is left feeling full of regret.

Why It’s Important: This story does not have the happy ending that so many books do, but teaches a critical lesson. Every choice we makes affects others in either a positive or negative way, and we do not always have an opportunity to fix our negative actions.

5. Last Stop On Market Street by Matt de la Pena

View this image › What It’s About: This 2016 winner of the Newbery Medal follows a young boy, CJ, and his grandmother on their way home one day. CJ spends most of the journey asking “How come…?” questions about everyone and everything. His grandmother answers each question with patience and eventually they leave the bus to volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Why It’s Important: CJ is asking seemingly simple questions throughout the book, but his grandmother’s responses always elicit empathy towards the other characters throughout the book. It serves as a reminder that everyone we encounter has skills and a story, but we must be kind and open-hearted in order to hear it.

6. Those Shoes by Maribeth Boelts

View this image › What It’s About: In this book, we see a young boy dreaming about getting a pair of really cool shoes. Unfortunately, his family does not have the money for this dream to become a reality. He eventually finds the shoes in a thrift shop in near perfect condition and buys them even though they are too tight. Another kid in his class can’t afford new shoes either, and his feet would fit in the cool shoes when the narrator’s would not. So, the narrator decides to give his shoes away.

Why It’s Important: This book highlights the importance of giving and making difficult decisions. We see the narrator struggle to decide if he can really give his shoes away, but when he decides to, both he and the boy who receive his shoes end up happier than they were before.

7. Horton Hears A Who by Dr. Seuss

View this image › What It’s About: A classic Dr. Seuss, this book is about an elephant who discovers an entire community living on a speck of dust. With his big ears, Horton is the only animal in the jungle who is able to hear the Whos. Despite being made fun of by the other animals, Horton stands by Whoville because he knows it is the right thing to do.

Why It’s Important: Not only is Horton doing the right thing, he is doing the right thing while everyone around him is bullying him to give up. This teaches an important lesson about standing by what you believe in, no matter what you face. With older children, you can also use this book to discuss the importance of advocating for those who do not have a voice

8. Enemy Pie by Derek Munson

View this image › What It’s About: This is about a boy who is having a great summer until Jeremy Ross moves in down the street. Jeremy excludes people from birthday parties and laughs when they strike out in baseball. The narrator’s father makes enemy pie to help defeat Jeremy Ross. In order for enemy pie to work, the boys have to play together all day. By the end of the day they are good friends and enjoy the pie together.

Why It’s Important: This tells a classic story of judging a book by its cover, or making judgements about people based on insignificant details. After spending quality time together the two enemies learned that they actually got along quite well.

9. Ordinary Mary’s Extraordinary Deed by Emily Pearson, Fumi Kosaka

View this image › What It’s About: This story is about an average girl who decides to pick some blueberries for her neighbor. The neighbor bakes blueberry muffins and gives plates of them to five other people. This good deed turns into a chain, strangers doing kind things for other strangers. Eventually, Mary has someone do something nice for her whose kind actions can be traced back to Mary’s blueberry picking.

Why It’s Important: This is another book that shows the important your actions can have on others, but it also shows the ways your actions can ripple out to affect total strangers.

10. The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig

View this image › What It’s About: This sweet book tells the story of Brian, a quiet boy who never makes a fuss or much noise at all. He feels invisible compared to the other children who are the center of the teacher’s attention by being loud, or the children with lots of friends who get picked first for sports. When a new kid comes to school, he makes Brian feel a lot less invisible.

Why It’s Important: All kids are different. Some are outgoing and some are quiet. This book celebrates those differences while teaching the importance of welcoming all types of kids to play and participate.

11. The Three Questions by Jon J Muth

View this image › What It’s About: This book is about a boy named Nikolai who wants to be a good person, but is not always sure how. He wants to discover the answer to the three questions: When is the best time to do things? Who is the most important one? What is the right thing to do? His three animal friends help him answer these questions, but they all have slightly different approaches. He eventually learns that the right time is now, the important one is the one you are with, and the right thing to do is good.

Why It’s Important: This book takes a more conceptual approach to helping others, but would serve as an extremely useful tool for starting a discussion with older children about why kindness is an important character trait.

12. Rude Cakes by Rowboat Watkins

View this image › What It’s About: This book is about a cake, who is, very rude. He never says please or thank you, never listens, and doesn’t share well. One day a giant cyclops takes the rude cake and wears him as a hat. The cyclops has great manners, but the cake hates being a hat. After finally getting away from the cyclops, the cake becomes much more polite.

Why It’s Important: Although this book is quite out there, it teaches how far good manners and behavior can go toward getting what you want.

So, there you have it. 12 books, and doubtless there are many more. We can use them not only to teach young people, but also meditate on them ourselves. To kindness!

Vote for Wilberforces!

“What are you going to do about the election?” asked my friend.

“I’m going to pray for more people like William Wilberforce to be raised up,” I answered.

She looked at me blankly.

William Wilberforce was a member of Parliament in the late 1700’s and early 1800’s, and is best known for making slavery illegal in the British Empire. No small task, it took him decades to succeed, but he died knowing that his goal was reached. I read a bit about him in a book called Seven Men and the Secret of their Greatness, by Eric Metaxas. From it I learned two things that I didn’t know before.

1)    He did more than remove slavery, Wilberforce changed the culture. “He was the most influential social reformer that ever lived…” The book goes on to describe how he made it acceptable to give to the poor, to help others in distress- things we take for granted in western society now.

2)    Even though the king in power was, well, evil, (reportedly he had slept with thousands of women), that didn’t stop Wilberforce from making a difference in the culture. He didn’t complain about the wicked deeds of the king, he just overcame them with his goodness.

Hmmmmm- doesn’t that sound scriptural? Overcoming evil with good?

We can find Congressmen and Senators, both on the state and national level who aspire to change the culture. Statesmen whose ideas of helping the poor and those less fortunate are strong. Humble people who do not make agreeing with them a pre-requisite for working together. Strong and meek people who don’t grandstand and berate those who are wrong. Men and women who will fight in a gracious way, persuading those on the fence because of their graciousness. 

So pray for God to raise up more people like William Wilberforce. Our country needs us!  

7 Tips to Beating Anxiety

Anxiety has replaced depression as the Number 1 mental health problem in the country.

  Here are some techniques to help overcome anxiety:

1) Change the “What if’s” to “What next?” This switches our thinking from the imaginary to the real: from awfulizing to seeking solutions, from the huge, nebulous, fear-filled unknown   to the next concrete step we can take. It empowers us and most importantly changes our focus.

2) Our focus determines our experience! What am I focusing on? The negative? If ten people

compliment my new haircut, and only one says she doesn’t like it, do we focus on the ONE negative?!

3) Choose to believe that “I am not a victim, I can control my attitude about this. Although I cannot control other people or the circumstances, I can control my own attitude.”

4) When we make mistakes, we need to admit it, and then stop beating ourselves.  “I made a mistake, that doesn't mean I have no value, nor does it negate all the good in my life.”  One person said, “There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons.” What can I learn from this one?

5) Make it a goal to say at least one positive thing to as many family members & friends as possible, and   to yourself each day.

6) Some people find it useful to limit their worrying to 15-20 minutes a day. At 8:00, set the timer for  8:15. During this 15 minutes, WORRY, do all the “What if’s,” and think of solutions to the worst case scenerios. Then when the timer rings, put all the worries back into a Worry Box, and don’t worry about them again until tomorrow, at the Worry Time. Elementary kids can even make a physical Worry Box that they put their worries in, until Worry Time. This really works! I use it all the time with my clients.

7) People of faith recognize that ultimately humans are not in control.  This is very helpful to remind ourselves if our belief system includes the idea that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. It allows us to relinquish control.

We can get the upper hand on anxiety! Exchange it for the peace that passes understanding.

Temper Tantrums: 3 Tips

Temper Tantrums

You’re in the cereal aisle when World War III breaks out. Your five year old son is screaming that he wants the Chocolate Critters with Marshmallow Frosting and you say no. Oh no! What a mean mommy you are! How are you going to handle the scene? EVERYONE in the store can hear him shouting at you, accusing you of being a horrible monster…

Parents everywhere face similar meltdowns from their children. It is NOT, as believed, a sign of poor parenting, but of good parenting! (“This is the reward?” you must be thinking.) The parent who says “yes” all the time to avoid meltdowns will regret it in the future. Here are three steps to handle to weapons that children will use to get their own way.

1)      Stop talking. 1-2-3 Magic expert Dr. Phelan says “Children see parents’ reasons and explanations as parental whimpering- sure signs that the parent doesn’t know what he or she is doing.” The kid senses that the parent isn’t sure, and presses in for the victory. And too often they win.

 Words that parents speak only pour gas on the fire.  Parents need to be gentle and firm with decisive action. Not words. Use a maximum of 10 words when the child is emotional. Better only one or two.

2)      Play it cool, don’t react.  How we handle it in the first 10 seconds is everything, and the best thing to do is nothing. Do not make eye contact, do not talk to her/him, ignore as much as is possible. There might need to be consequences, such as putting him in his room. (Or it may help just to sit with her until she calms down, not saying anything.) Checking out will surprise and bewilder the little ones; they will soon realize that tantrum get them one thing: Nothing.

3)      Be consistent. In public places, the child will soon figure out what works for him. She will yell and act up if she knows the parents will give in. Best to have your battle plan set before it happens. We will leave the store. Nothing you need is as important as the lesson that your child is not in charge.

Once your child (and you) have calmed down, talk about what happened, and how to avoid it in the future.  Briefly! Avoid shaming him/her, which long lectures do. Your child needs to know that she will be heard, but AFTER he calms down. And she needs to accept the fact that you are in charge. “Love you too much to argue,” is a commonly used phrase, MUCH BETTER than “Because I said so.”

Note: Your child will repeat it in the future, so don’t be surprised when he does. The goal is to have the tantrums be further apart and shorter, that’s progress.

Your child is watching you to see how you will react to his temper tantrum. Show him that you are cool, calm, and collected- and you love him too much to let him win.

How Do I Teach My Kids About Money?

Teaching Kids about Money

When should kids have an allowance? How much should it be? Should it depend on chores done? What is reasonable to expect for what age? How can I teach my child to save? To give? To tithe? These and many more questions plague parents.

There are two words we need to understand. Intentionality is the first one. You’ve got to be intentional about it, and you’ve got to be consistent. Doing or saying nothing will leave your kids in the default mode: that’s letting money control them. A scary thought!

The second word is Entitlementitis, which is rampant in our children’s generation. We can stem the tide by teaching them to appreciate things they have. Thankfulness is the opposite of Entitlementitis. It’s hard to go against the culture of affluence and “give me, give me,” but it can be done!

Here are three suggestions:

1)     Give them an allowance. Not a lot, but enough for them to have a little bit of free spending money that they can choose what to do with. Then give them 4 containers (baby food jars work well) with the following labels on them: Tithe, Give, Save, Spend. Talk with them about what each jar represents. Tithe is 10% which we give to God because He says to. After all, it’s He that gives us the power to make wealth (Deut. 8:18). We want to save and give some of our money because that builds character! Talk about each of these especially future goals and generosity. This can be a good discussion, and an on-going one.

2)      

 They should have the opportunity to do some chores for simply being a member of the family. Setting & clearing the table, emptying the dishwasher, feeding the pet, making the bed, emptying the garbage are a few that come to mind. Then they should have the opportunity to do some paying jobs, to earn extra money. Cleaning up the dog-pooh from the yard, helping mom or dad clean the pantry or the garage. You can probably think (with intentionality and effort!) of a number of jobs that need to be done, that kids can do. Put them in a “job jar.” 

3) Some parents pay their kids a commission based on how well or how often they do their chores. This is an intriguing idea, and may well be useful for your family. Read Smart Money, Smart Kids by Dave Ramsey and get some ideas from there.

As the kids get older, their needs change. They may want a pair of shoes for $400. Or a Smartphone! You can negotiate with them, agree to pay what a pair of “regular” shoes will cost and they make up the difference. Or pay half. My parents taught us to save for things by agreeing to pay half, and I remember saving for months to get that coveted doll.

Kids appreciate things they work for and pay for. “I will not offer up to the Lord that which costs me nothing” (II Sam. 24:24) Let’s keep on keeping on for our children’s sake. They’ll thank us someday!

Why Do I Procrastinate?

Procrastination

“I won’t do it now, I’ll do it later.” Procrastination is, unfortunately, a familiar companion to many of us on this life’s journey.  Why do we put things off? We know in our mind that it is not the best, that we might even regret it later on!

I’d like to suggest that there are 7 reasons why we procrastinate.

1)The Perfectionist. “Well, I don’t have enough time to do it perfectly, so I won’t do it now.” Alfred Adler was famous for saying we need to develop the courage to be imperfect. So, it’s a matter of courage- we’re afraid we might fail. Or fail to be the best. Or fail to win someone else‘s approval.

2)  The Adrenaline-Junkie “I’ll put it off till it’s exciting to do it. When there’s little time, there’s more pressure, and I like that feeling.”  Many of us operate like this, but it isn’t wise or mature. It’s letting our feelings run amok, not caring what is best. Which is better: to feel good doing it, or to do a good job?

3)  Passive -Aggressive, or Defiant “You can’t tell me what to do. Sure I’ll do it, but you can’t make me. I’ll do it in my own time…” We often deny this, but it is hidden in the depths of our heart. Really, you are rebelling against the thought (or the person) who said you have to do it. Recognize it for what it is!

4) It's not a fun task. Other things that are more fun get higher priority. This goes for things that are easier, or just things that I like better. Unpleasant tasks will remain as low a priority as possible until there is no other option (like a deadline) or it's no longer tolerable (like laundry or garbage). You could call this the path of least resistance. Again, not a mature or wise way to live, and we can overcome it by positive self-talk.  

5) ADHD. A description of ADHD, which I've found to be often accurate: everything is top priority, especially what I'm thinking about NOW. And NOW. And NOW. This can CREATE the situation in #2, where the pressure of a deadline creates a hyperproductivity and adrenaline rush, but it's exhausting to always live this way. Seek out help if you are a person who struggles with ADHD!

6) Lack of reward/payoff. A lot of times the payoff for finishing or doing a good job just isn't as high as we want it to be. This doesn't justify doing a substandard job or not making a deadline, but it does make it a lot less appealing at any given moment. This seems almost the opposite of the perfectionist one, but the phrase "better done than perfect" has helped me a lot with both.

7) Big picture overwhelm. For people who have trouble with details, especially dreamers, the big picture of how much there is to do total can be paralyzing. It can keep us from starting. This goes for everything from cleaning my room as a kid to designing a new course or reorganizing a room in the house. We have the vision, but the many steps it's going to take to accomplish it causes us to put it off until some "future point where I have all the time and resources." Which usually never comes. While dreamers are notorious for talking about things they'll probably never do, some of those things are things they probably could do, but are putting off. 

Get help from a practical person for this! There are lots of people who can help you make a dream become a goal: setting up steps to accomplish it. The world needs visionaries AND practical people; so if you’re a visionary, team up with someone who can help your dream become a reality.

These insights may help us because they take us deeper than the behavior. The procrastination is the fruit of one, or several, of these thoughts.  But with intentionality and effort, we can get the upper hand on it, make improvements. How gratifying would THAT be?!

(Thanks to Jon Gill for his valuable help on this blog.)

5 Words Never to Say to Someone Grieving (and What to Say Instead)

Grief

It’s been 10 months since Dad died, so I think a blog on grief is in order. We all will have times of grieving ourselves. And we all will have people to comfort who are grieving. ALL of us, that’s 100% of humans. Will we comfort with wisdom and understanding, or use meaningless platitudes? The latter can cause more pain, suffering, heartache. Do we want to be guilty of that? Read on….

“I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.” 

Notice that I said with you not for you. For you implies that you’re going to do something. That’s not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, is incredibly powerful. Just be present, as long as is necessary. Don’t leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you’re not doing anything. In fact, it’s when you feel uncomfortable and like you’re not doing anything that you must stay.  It’s in those places- in the shadows of horror where we rarely allow ourselves to enter- where the beginnings of healing are found. The healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. Grief is brutally painful.

To say the awful words “Everything happens for a reason” is spiritual, emotional, and psychological violence. It denies their humanity. It robs them of the chance to grieve! It shows a tremendous lack of understanding on the part of the person who says it. In so doing, we steal a bit of their freedom at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.                                

Wow, digest that for a minute. Re-read the last paragraph. Think about the last time you said that. Vow never to say it again!

Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

Yet our culture treats grief like a problem to be solved or an illness to be healed. We've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. So that now, when you're faced with tragedy, you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people — you're surrounded by platitudes.  (Tim Lawrence)

Mistakes well-meaning people make in trying to help those who grieve:

1.     Not listening well

a.    Giving unasked-for advice

b.    Minimizing the pain, saying “I know how you feel”

c.     Giving them quick solutions

d.    Criticizing them

e.    Becoming distracted, not really listening with the heart

f.      Becoming impatient, or putting them on a time schedule

2.     Misunderstanding  of the need for processing grief

a.    Not allowing the person to feel angry or hopeless

b.    Trying to hurry them along in the process

c.     Harboring the belief that crying is not acceptable

d.    Expectation that they will “get over it & move on” quickly

e.    Trying to teach them before they are ready

f.      Pressuring them to forgive before they have processed and are ready.

With children, remember:

1.     Children’s brains are not yet fully developed, so they react in fear much more quickly

2.     Do not lecture, teach, or give them sermons

3.     They learn best by doing, action, movement, physical touch, activities with things like art and games. Drawing is very powerful.

4.     Tell stories! Joseph in the Bible (Genesis 37-50) is an excellent one to help them grasp seemingly senseless pain and unjust  suffering

5.     Listen, listen, listen.  Allow them to share their feelings and do not criticize them for doing so.

6.     Set guidelines for their behavior (example: it is OK to get angry, but not to hurt anyone or property)

7.     Be ready to simply sit with them, play with them, hold them, and use few or no words.

8.     Ask them if they are ready to share; do not force them to do so.

Let’s be emotionally intelligent people! Let’s really comfort people, not add to their pain.