In our book on parenting, we use an acrostic, LOVE, to describe
what young people need: Listen, Order, Voice, and Empathy.
In our haste to get things done, as parents, we do not listen very well. If we are to raise
the next generation to be healthy, confident individuals, this needs to change. Every person, and especially your child, needs
to know that someone cares about what they think. When your child says
something outrageous, you can respond in one of two ways. You can shut the
child down, berating him either or by attitude or by words, such as, “You are
stupid!” Or, you can listen, and affirm his
worth. “I can hear that you are really frustrated with your teacher,” is an
example of “active listening. This technique acknowledges the child’s emotions
behind her statements. Too often we focus on the content of what they’re saying
and we argue with that. This does not connect with the child’s heart, and
usually puts both parties on the defensive. Because the parent is usually bigger,
more articulate, and smarter, the parent usually “wins.” But in power struggles,
who really wins? Do you want to be right, or be effective?
Order means
that the child is not in charge. Listening and giving the child a voice does
NOT mean they get their way all the time! Anarchy brings much insecurity. In
families where the children reign supreme, where parents cater to their every
whim, children are very discouraged. Often these children are the ones who
exhibit the “failure to launch” problems. When parents exhibit a quiet confidence
that they are in charge, the children will sense that. If, however, the parents
try to maintain order by using anger and threats, the children will react with
fear, and trust will not grow. In that case, the order will be superficial,
masking an inner chaos in the child’s heart. Provide guidance with a mixture of
firmness and gentleness.
Voice Every
person has a voice, but not all voices are heard. In 1983, Karen Carpenter, a
talented artist with one of the loveliest singing voices, died of heart failure
caused by chronic anorexia. In the midst of fame, fortune, a loving family and
tremendous success as a singer, her “personal voice” was not listened to, and she
starved herself to death. To understanding eating disorders, we need to
understand the need of all people have to be heard. In our work with young
people we all too frequently hear, “My
parents do not listen to me. They think they are right all the time.” When children and young people have no voice,
we see three common responses: eating disorders, cutting, and suicidal
tendencies.
Sadly, this “listening” problem is growing, especially among
religious families. Parents who have strong religious beliefs often work even
harder at convincing the children to do as the parents say, to listen to the
parents, and to follow their directives. The parents are convinced they are
right. But even if they are, being “right” can make their parenting ineffective.
Relationships do not flourish when a person’s “voice” is not heard.
Powerlessness leads to the three things mentioned above, as well as various
addictions. Active listening will allow a child to feel heard, especially if it
is done with empathy.
Empathy is
the most appropriate response when a child or young person is angry. Yet
parents, in their zeal to correct, often teach children to stifle their
emotions. Youth learn to please their parents with their external actions,
while on the inside they are seething mad. No wonder they resort to negative
behaviors like starving themselves, cutting, or threatening to take their own
lives! Think how much better it could be
if parents are patient and empathize with the child’s pain. Parents may need to
be vulnerable, to share with their children their own struggles as we guide
them into adulthood with kindness, patience, and firmness. For much good material on this, check out Connectedfamilies.org
Effective parenting requires empathy. Empathy is only released through listening. The answer to our hurting young people is to give
them a voice and choices.
Impart confidence that there is order
in the world, rather than the despair that comes from shaming them.
But be careful, it is risky business! If you are a parent,
you will need to spend more time with your children and teens, listening to understand
their struggles. You will also need to deal with your own insecurities and hurts
from your past, for it’s our own “stuff” that triggers our angry reactions.
The stakes are high- either we will win our children's and young people's hearts, or others who do not have their best interest in mind will. Through listening,
nurturing order in their lives, giving them a voice,
and responding with empathy, we
can spare our families the pain, sorrow, and suffering that is so rampant in the world.
