"Wired for Love"

In my personal life, I struggle with fear, just like everyone does.

This weekend I had to take a test for HIPPA, something that clinicians do regularly. I had to watch a 35 minute video, and answer 14 questions afterwards, getting at least 10 right. My goodness, how I struggled with that! After failing the first 5 times (I’m not used to failing…), I called a friend to pray for me. I proceeded to fail another 9 times in 2 days. Yes, really, I’m being brutally honest here. To say I felt like a failure would be an understatement.

During the time I was struggling with the test, I listened to Dr. Leaf’s book on audible, and it really encouraged me. I asked for prayer at church from a pastor, came home, failed it once more, then passed it on the 16^th try!!! What a relief! My journey out of a fear-based mindset was continuing.

I remember when I was in grad school trying to decide if I should take a class from a certain professor whom I knew to be tough and have very high standards.  That day I went for a jog, and when I got home, I felt different: confident that I could indeed take it from him. I went on to even write my thesis with him as a mentor.

My point is that so often we sell ourselves short. We allow fear to define us. How much better we could be if we did self-care for our minds. We need to  “Choose to bombard the cells of your body with positivity, honing in on your natural proclivity toward love. We are all wired with an optimism basis.” *

“A mindset is an attitude, or a cluster of thoughts with attached information and emotions that generate a particular perception. … Your mindsets set your expectation levels, which will be either positive or negative.” So starts out Dr. Caroline Leaf in her new book Think, Learn, Succeed. It’s a marvelous book, the kind I have to read and re-read it slowly to be able to get what I want out of it. She is one of the most brilliant neuroscientists alive today. Google her, you’ll see what I mean.

In my profession, I’m challenged all the time to lead people out of negative, fear-based thinking, into positive, reality-based thinking. Many just don’t get that they really do have a choice. But many do. 

Wired for love; what does that mean exactly?

Love is an umbrella term for all the characteristics that we value as human being: gratitude, joy, peace, patience, kindness, positivity, happiness, responsibility, and so on. Fear, on the other hand is the opposite of love, just as ingratitude is the opposite of gratitude and cruelty is the opposite of kindness. Fear eats away at us, crippling our ability to live the kind of life we want to live. A fear of failure, for example, stifles creativity and the imagination, hindering an individual’s ability to pursue his or her goals and dreams. (p. 44)

One of my goals this year is to learn “to control and activate the power of mindset to influence life outcomes.” That’s a fancy way of saying “engage in more mental self-care.” I’ll be reading more of Dr. Leaf’s books and listening to her podcasts.

We need it now more than ever. With the Coronavirus continuing to rear its ugly head, and so much uncertainty in the world, how can we not do something different?

Stress can be toxic or healthy. Oh that we can learn to harness the energy we use to decry stress and instead meet it as a challenge. We can be anxious or look at it as an adventure. We can think of it as a challenge to overcome (and the human mind is infinitely creative at solving problems) or something we can’t handle.

The Scriptures say, “Fear not!” 365 times. Let’s obey both science and Scripture and learn to overcome fear. Our lives will be 100% better, we’ll thrive.

* p. 40, Think, Learn, Succeed by Dr. Caroline Leaf.

Hiking, Forest Bathing, and Mental Health

Wow, do we ever need a way to self-calm now! First it’s Covid-19, then it’s riots. What next? As a healer, I’m always looking for ways to help people calm themselves. A significant part of my practice is spent teaching these skills to my clients.

So today I want to talk about something that puts you in a better mood, decreases stress hormones, helps you recover from illness faster, lowers blood pressure, boosts your immune system, and helps you become more creative. Sound too good to be true? It’s not!

The secret is Shinrin-Yoku. What in the world is that? It’s Japanese for “forest bathing,” and believe it or not, there’s science behind it.  Much study is going on today on this rather strange topic, and everything I mentioned above is backed up with usually multiple studies. Don’t take my word for it, read up on it for yourself. https://www.forestholidays.co.uk/activities/forest-bathing/benefits/#:~:text=The%20Japanese%20practice%20of%20shinrin,and%20accelerate%20recovery%20from%20illness.

It comes as no surprise to many of us who like the outdoors. For years people have gone to the woods to escape stress. But now, we can put words and studies to it. Did you know that phytoncides are emitted from trees, that strengthen our immune system and help us fight disease? I didn’t, but that piece of knowledge is pleasant to my soul as I walk in the woods. Even just a few trees are beneficial, study after study shows.

Speaking of walking, I came across an article by Michael W. Pirrone on Hiking. What Hiking Does for the Brain is Pretty Amazing   https://muckrack.com/michael-w-pirrone/articles He makes the same claims for hiking, even just walking! It “clears your head” or lowers your level of brooding. How? By decreasing the flow to the part of the brain associated with bad moods. (the subgenual prefrontal cortex in case you wanted to know). This lowers your perception of stress, and makes you feel much better and able to handle it.

Pirrone also cites studies that show hiking causes people to be 50% more creative. Creative problem solving can be measured by a test, called the Remote Associates Test. Hiking also improves memory, and gives those with ADHD much better focus.

Best of all (I think, because I deal with it so much), it raises self esteem! There’s such a need for this today. Depression and anxiety have sky-rocketed. Kids are killing themselves at a higher rate than ever before. Do you know the top three ways to beat depression? The are 1) a friend 2) exercise/walking and 3) therapy and medication. So, the fact that taking a walk is in the top three, really says something (and it’s free!).

So, yes, Mr. Pirrone, I have to agree with you, that “what hiking (walking) does for the brain is pretty amazing.” And to the Japanese who have pioneered in the study of Shinrin-Yoku, my hat’s off to you.

One of the positive things about the quarantine has been seeing families walking together all around our neighborhoods. When we go back to work, let’s not get too busy to walk outside. 

My 6 & 8 year granddaughters walked a mile and a half the other morning. I thought that was pretty good, until my friend told me that her 7 year old grandson hiked 8 miles on the Superior trail! Oh well, we would do well not to compare ourselves to others. Just do what we can do, and strive for improvement. Compete against ourselves, not each other.

So, make it a priority to walk, to hike, to get out in Nature. You’ll feel better, and will NOT regret it a bit!

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going..."

We don’t know what the post-Covid world will look like, but one thing we need no matter what is resilience. When we get knocked down, we come back up again. And ALL of us have experienced being knocked down somehow, whether it is a big disappointment of not being able to go on a trip (that’s us, we were going to go to Ireland),  have a graduation ceremony, a wedding, or whether it be the little frustrations that build from being around the same people day after day.

I don’t know about you, but I’m really ready for this lockdown to be over! But, because people are still holed up in their houses, some more than others, I thought I’d publish today a list of tips by my boss, on how to maintain emotional health during this time. So, below are 10 tips on staying sane, and hanging onto hope that this will be over someday!

The tips come from nearly 40 years of mental health experience working with clients, and are very sound. Dr. Hal Baumchen, PsyD, LP, LADC has some good things to say here, and I hope you all benefit from them. Remember, the goal is to build resilience, not be perfect. We CAN pick ourselves up and keep going. Even if we get knocked down (did anyone say fail?) again and again, we can get up again and again.

When my granddaughter was learning to cross country ski, she fell 146 times (she counted) and picked herself up EVERY TIME! This is a picture of our lives, and we can choose to do the same.

Maintaining Emotional Health During Difficult Circumstances by Hal Baumchen, PsyD, LP, LADC

 We are living in trying times. Everyone has been affected, some a little, and some terribly. Very few can say that life is the same. How can we get through? What can be done? The strategies you’ve used to maintain your sobriety and mental health must be fortified in times of stress, not relaxed.

 Here are ten suggestions to help you navigate the present and prepare for the future.

1)      Maintain a Routine If your work or school schedule has been interrupted or altered, there is a tendency to disregard your normal life patterns and structure. This only causes more emotional chaos and disorder. Letting your routine collapse increases feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and despair. Instead, stick to a schedule and maintain an organized, productive daily routine. Set an alarm, get dressed, and maintain good hygiene. Continue a healthy eating plan and get enough sleep. Limit staying up late playing video games, watching movies, or extravagant online spending. Also watch for a tendency to justify self-indulgent activities and schedule compromises because “it doesn’t matter.” Maintain your routine, then when the crisis ends, you’ll be ready to return instead of looking for the car keys and your work shoes like so many others.

2)      Exercise Your Work Muscles When you don’t work out physically, your body gets lazy and flabby. When you don’t work or go to school, your effort declines, your stamina deteriorates, and your enthusiasm is diminished. It seems to me that unless exercised, your desire and ability to work quickly erode. To preserve your current work ethic and level of performance, you must stay engaged and active. Your wit, mental speed, interest level, motivation, and energy levels all quickly wither if not maintained. To do this, make plans and design projects that are engaging and interesting. Set priorities, challenges, and deadlines for yourself. Stay accountable to others. Work with others (electronically) if you can and commit to certain tasks in advance when possible. This will boost self-esteem and create a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

3)      Exercise Your Body Physical activity and exercise kick-start your body’s natural antidepressant ability and acts like anti-anxiety medication. Mix up your activities to reduce boredom. Try walking, biking, running, doing calisthenics, bowling, volleyball, yoga, ping pong, swimming, Frisbee golf, basketball, canoeing or lifting weights. Although more difficult with social distancing, some of these can be done as solo activities. Exercise tones and maintains the vitality of your body, and is also useful to increase self-esteem, distract yourself, and increase confidence. Spending 20-30 minutes exercising each day serves as an important part of your anxiety management and recovery program.

4)      Abstain from Alcohol, Drugs, and Tobacco It is often a natural reaction to try to dull the pain of depression or calm the anxiety in times of distress. However, drinking alcohol or using drugs will only make the problem worse. Alcohol and drugs may make you feel better for a very short time, but self-medicating in this way often leads to serious overuse. Alcohol use impairs judgment and can easily lead to compromises in protective safety measures during this current pandemic. Chronic use of alcohol makes many people feel more depressed and withdrawal from alcohol adds to anxiety. Additionally, alcohol interferes with most psychotropic medications and may decrease their effectiveness and increase the risk and severity of side effects. If you don’t drink, don’t start. If you do drink, don’t use difficult circumstances to justify drinking more. Limit alcohol and abstain from drug use and get help when you need it. Also, studies indicate nicotine users have more than twice the likelihood of developing depression as those who do not smoke. For some, smoking is another form of self-medicating that creates more problems than it solves.

5)      Maintain a Positive Attitude Being optimistic and thinking positively can greatly reduce your anxiety level. Doubt and worry about the future will make you more anxious. Instead, learn to repeat positive statements to yourself such as: “I can get through this” or “I am making progress” or “this difficulty is manageable.” Review what went right, not what might go wrong in the future. Reviewing negative scenarios and having pessimistic thoughts can raise anxiety to extreme levels. Positive self-talk can be a way to calm yourself and reduce your overall stress level. Like many things suggested previously, this is a skill to develop and needs to be done every day. Work to recognize negative thoughts, reject them, replace with something positive, and repeat positive thoughts regularly. This simple practice will create an optimistic attitude and positive outlook.

6)      Rest, Relax, and Distract Stress is a natural response to change and challenges. The stress response floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol in preparation for “fight or flight,” breathing and heart rate increase, and you get a surge of energy. Stress management techniques bring your system back into balance: deepening your breathing, reducing stress hormones, slowing your heart rate, lowering your blood pressure, and relaxing your muscles. Use meditation, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation to develop a relaxation response. Getting away from the present situation for just a little bit will help you calm down and put things in perspective. Find ways to take enjoyment breaks, pausing to notice your surroundings, being mindful of the wonder of the environment and the beauty of the people around you. Take a break from the daily grind. Find fun-filled and light-hearted distractions. Intersperse periods of rest within your day.

7)      Recommit to Your Purpose It’s vital not to lose sight of your purpose and life goals even in a crisis. Although you may be in survival mode now, as a new normal develops, you will have an opportunity to once again concentrate on important tasks and dreams. Remain intentional with your time, personal energy, and financial resources. Resist the urge to be random, scattered, and haphazard. Clarify your goals and pursue them wholeheartedly. Self-esteem goes up when you consistently live in harmony with your values, and it goes down when values and lifestyles conflict. Stick to your purpose in life and continue to develop your positive character traits. Take this opportunity to grow spiritually, develop as a person, and cultivate meaningful relationships.

8)      Stay Socially Connected Currently many countries around the world are on moderate to strict lockdown. Citizens are asked to stay at home, limit travel, visit in very small groups, and maintain 2 meters of distance between people. Large entertainment venues have closed. Many people are working from home when they can, and many others have lost their jobs. All of these things have greatly increased stress and have caused a degree of social disconnection. Perhaps you miss talking to co-workers at the water cooler, commuting with others, gathering in a restaurant with friends, attending family gatherings, going to church, or attending a support group. Work to keep social distancing from becoming social isolation. Use technology resources whenever you can to stay in contact with friends and family. Resist the urge to not visit because you couldn’t visit in person. Make it your goal to check on others who may be struggling. Common stressful situations are often instant conversation starters and shared experiences can quickly become the foundation of a new and lasting friendship.

9)      Maintain Resilience Stay positive and hopeful. You can bounce back from hard times and difficult circumstances. Resilience tends to be weakened by poor physical health and emotional stress. Our immune system and emotional maintenance system are both impaired by exhaustion, worry, poor eating and sleeping habits, harmful addictions, and a lack of regular exercise. By improving your emotional and physical health, your resilience will grow. The graphic to the right reveals some of the numerous components of resilience. Be flexible, laugh at yourself and this present situation when you can, and believe that you can weather this storm. Get around positive people who can support and encourage you without criticism or judgment. Using these components helps you build a strong emotional defense system.

10)  Manage Your Emotional Health by Working with Your Physician Having physical problems and health conditions can be stressful, cause anxiety, and can make anxiety worse. While some medications are helpful, others can add to anxiety. Antidepressants and other medications can be useful to reduce anxiety symptoms, and while anti-anxiety medications do work at first, they can pose long-term addiction risks. Review your health concerns, in detail, with your physician and follow their advice. Remember, if a doctor put you on a medication, let the doctor determine if and when you should change or discontinue it. If you have other illnesses or health concerns, don’t let fear keep you from obtaining necessary medical care.

Staying Positive and Strong Because stress is inevitable, managing it becomes our only option. Both mental health and substance use disorders increase stress levels. Managing stress also means managing your mental health symptoms and substance use disorder. Look for positive ways to cope with the difficulties of everyday life. Resist the urge to eliminate all stress or avoid everything that causes you to be anxious. Instead, become more resilient, face your fears, overcome life’s difficulties, and do whatever you can to strengthen your health and recovery.

You can do it! Become more resilient, no matter how hard life gets. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” we used to say. Become strong, tough, and resilient. You’ll be glad.

The One Secret

I spend a lot of time alone. (Many of us do!) The other day, seeing people walking and talking together, I was wishing I could have more friends. Then, one weekend, I was with friends practically non-stop. And I cried out “Help, I need some alone time!”

Contentment.  How elusive it is! Yet are there some secrets we can learn that will bring us to experience more of it? I told my granddaughter I knew the secret of happiness. I had her attention. It is: wanting what we have, not wanting what we can’t have.

How simple. Yet, how hard. The hardest commandment to keep is the last one: you shall not covet. Jealousy is part of our fallen nature. It was jealousy that led Lucifer astray. It was jealousy of God himself that led Adam and Eve to eat the fruit – jealousy is a lack of faith that God has our best in mind!

 
Jealousy takes many forms. Comparing ourselves to someone else, and wishing for their gifts. Particularly lethal is wishing our spouse would be like him/her.   Wanting more money, a certain car, house, or type of clothing. Aspiring to a ministry is ok, but where is the line between honestly hoping to do something great, and bitter jealousy or selfish ambition? We all can relate to some of these, perhaps all of them.

I’ve found that I need to be honest with myself when I’m jealous of someone else.  Only then can I deal with it. Whether it’s a small thing like “I wish I had more friends,” or a big thing like “Why did Psychology Today call about our book, but never followed up on it?” (this happened with our book),  I need to talk to myself directly. I can talk myself down from feeling discontented if I want to, if I am honest about it, really admitting that I am jealous of someone else. If I want to.  Perhaps I need some time to feel sorry for myself. But, the negative comments, the complaining that comes from a discontented soul…is that worth it?

There are three things that contribute to contentment.

1) Gratitude is part of the answer. We have so much to be thankful for! Think about if you lived in a war-torn country, or a developing nation. Then our “first world problems” wouldn’t seem so big! Or imagine if you were disabled somehow. The smallest thing would be a victory.

I often do this exercise with my clients. Imagine you are blind for a minute. Then list two things you are grateful you can see. The same for hearing: two things that give you pleasure to listen to. Imagine two things that you love to touch, two things you love to smell, and you love to taste. What a joy it is, listing 10 things they are grateful for! The smallest things we take for granted can be recognized as pleasures.

Our Intensive Outpatient Program uses gratitude to bring healing to its participants. Each person has to come up with three things they are thankful for every day - and they can’t be the same. One lady said that changes her attitude first thing in the morning, planning what she is going to say. Amazing.

2) The second part is intentionality. . The other day I was having one of those pity-parties. I let myself cry and feel sorry for myself for a while. But then I thought, “I spend the whole week, trying to get others to think positive thoughts, yet here I am, in the depths…” Just then I happened to look in the rearview mirror (I was driving). There was a man in the car behind me who reminded me of a dear friend, a pastor who was so kind and caring. I decided to think about him for a while, remembering words he had spoken, things he had done. Before I knew it, I was out of the dumps, thinking more rational and positive thoughts. 

But it was intentionality that did it. If I hadn’t wanted  to, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the doldrums like that. The mind naturally goes to negative thoughts unless effort and intentionality are used.

3) The third tool that helps us achieve contentment is perspective. How long do we have to put up with pain, sorrow, heartache? I’d like to quote John MacArthur in this one “A person’s ability to bear up under sorrow is directly related to his ability to focus on the eternal, rather than the temporal.” (Bible Commentary) The Bible says “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory far beyond comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen…” (II Cor 4:17, 18a)

One client who was real depressed told me how to encourage her: “Just tell me that this too shall pass.” It sounds simple, but it requires us to dial in to a different paradigm. That all of this life is just temporary, a preparation for the next one.

In conclusion, if we focus on what we do have rather than what we don’t/can’t have; if we want to, we can choose to be content. Sometimes we need to play tricks on our minds to get them there, but we can. If we focus on the unseen rather than the seen, we CAN be content!

 Let’s choose to be less complain-y and more contented and grateful. It is the one thing that can help us get thru this pandemic!
Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live?

---

Jamaica with My Granddaughters

Wow, has it ever been a time of rapid change! We left on March 13, when everyone was in school, work, church, going out to restaurants. When we returned 7 days later, none of that was true. Though the spread if the virus affected us somewhat in Jamaica (things were closed, including the school where we planned to teach), we didn’t feel it as much as when we got back. In fact, we learned that they were going to close the airport only one day after we left. Praise God!

I was able to take my two 12 year old granddaughters along, and their descriptions of the trip follow mine. It was my 6th trip to Jamaica, and Wanda's first. Though it was different than we expected, God showed up and we had a wonderful time.

I was very proud of Abi and Aryn. They spent time each day preparing their Bible lessons for the children, the story and the crafts. I think their confidence level went up over the 6 days that they taught. It was a beautiful sight to behold. If there had not been a coronavirus, they would have had too many children to handle, as it was they had between 15-20 kids.

Both the girls did a devotional for the group each day, and we had wonderful times of prayer together. Abi and Aryn got baptized in the Holy Spirit down there too.

Wanda and I taught the adults who were staff and administrators at the school. I taught on encouragement, trauma, woundedness and how to heal from it, anxiety, and boundaries. Wanda taught on Spiritual and Emotional intelligence, and some other pertinent things from Scripture. The talks were well-received, and they thanked us profusely for coming down in the midst of a pandemic to teach them.

Randy, the school head, took us to the ocean the last day, and the girls really enjoyed it. We had a sweet time having supper (take out) in a park before leaving the next day.

Thanks again for your prayers for the trip! God really showed up in amazing ways, and we are still rejoicing over what He did in the one week we were gone.

Here in Abi’s and Aryn’s own words are paragraphs describing it:

My Time in Jamaica

By Abigail Gill

            Being in Jamaica was super fun! Every day, at 3:00 PM, my Nana, her friend Wanda, my cousin, and I would go out to the picnic tables underneath a big tree right outside our place. All the kids would gather there. My cousin Aryn and I would stand up on one of the picnic tables and tell a Bible story to the kids. Some of the Bible stories we told were Saul/Paul, the Creation story, Moses and the Ten Plagues, and we told them about when Jesus comes back. After we told the story, we’d give them a craft to do. Some of the crafts we did were maracas they could color, T-shirts and little bags they could decorate, a coloring sheet of Jesus with children, and a sticker sheet of Paul writing parts of the Bible in jail. 

Kid’s club lasted from three to five so we had a lot of free time. I played a lot of card games with Aryn, and sometimes we went and visited the village doctor who is also from Minnesota, Dr. Gail. The day before we left, we swam in the ocean! It was really salty but the giant waves were super awesome. We shopped for souvenirs in a market where everyone was saying that their stuff was better than the others and they had better prices.

 I had an amazing trip to Jamaica, I am super thankful that my Nana let me go along!

        My Jamaica trip 

                                                By Aryn Gill

We got to Jamaica late, and I tried my first Jamaican food at 10:30 at night. It was a good spicy fish sandwich with fries. When we got to the mission the first thing I noticed was a twin sized bed with orange sheets that was really comfortable, I booked it towards the bed and fell asleep. The next day we had our first kids club. We told Bible stories then did crafts. During that time me and Abi met some girls who were very sweet and we played basketball with them. We remained in contact with them for the rest of the week. 

The tiny shops there were interesting, you didn't walk into it and look around you stood at a corner and peered through a window and had to decide what you wanted. The main food that we ate in Jamaica was chicken and fries, but on some occasions we would go to an air conditioned restaurant called Juici patties, where Abi’s and my favorites were the beef pattie.  When we went out for lunch once at Juici patties, there was a food market across the street. We tried some new fruits there. To pass the time Abi and I filled up an entire journal writing in igpa atinla (Pig Latin). We would play cards and walk around the mission. On our last day at Spring Village we gave away the gifts to the kids. It was so funny, even if they were 10 year old boys they would beg for the small little pink shoes. 😊   (a famous line was:“ I’m not greedy I just want lots of money to make me happy.”) The kids were fun to hang out with and do crafts with. 

On the last day a nice man named Randy, who is in charge of the mission, drove us through mountains to the beach where we swam in the ocean. We went tourist shopping, where I got my family gifts and got my birthday present from Nana which was a beautiful handmade purse. Then we stayed at a hotel for the night, and in the morning we flew home. 

Going to Jamaica was a great experience, and I would love to go on another one soon.

Again, we’d like to say thank you for all your support, prayers, encouragement! When all gather around the throne in that final day, and there are people from every tribe, nation, and language, we will rejoice with them. And YOU will also be with us, receiving appreciation as well.

Warmly,

 Cynthia, Abi, and Aryn

How Do I Get My Needs Met in a Pandemic?

Needs? How can we have them met in this crazy crisis? The whole world is thrown into chaos, and we are left reeling. Everyone says “Don’t be afraid,” (everyone except the news media, that is) but how do you do that?

Let me list four human needs and tell how you can meet each one in these unusual times.

The first one is for Connection.  All of us know intuitively that we were created for community, for connection, with other human beings. Even introverts. But socially isolating is wreaking havoc with all of that.

We must connect to feel human! At least once a day call, FaceTime, or talk with a human. A good friend. Make yourself do this, and if you feel awkward, DO IT ANYWAY! Better to feel momentarily awkward than to shrivel up and be depressed. (Texting is widely used, but only marginally connects people.)

The second need is for Routine or Order. Children especially thrive when there is an order to their day, when they know what to expect. If you have trouble with that one, imagine a classroom with kids milling around before the teacher comes in. It tends to become more and more chaotic, until the teacher restores order.

When you wake up in the morning, plan the day. Make a list if you want. Give approximate times: “at 8:00 we’ll have breakfast, at 8:30 we’ll do chores, at 9:00 we’ll start school, at 10:00 we’ll take a break for recess…” Of course some down time is necessary, but not too much! Plan a fun thing each day, but stick to a routine. (That’s why “make your bed” is the first thing in my previous blog, How to Stay Sane in Quarantine.) If you’re alone, it’s equally important to have some routine, and a plan for each day.

The third need is for Control. Every human being needs the freedom of choice, and certain amount of control over their lives. That’s why giving simple choices works so well with children. But we have lost much control recently! There are so many things we want to do but can’t.

Try making two lists. One is for things you can’t control, and that you worry about. For some, this list might be a long one. The set your timer for 5 minutes, and WORRY about these things. Do the “what if” for all of them, think of the worst case scenarios. When the timer goes off “DING,” the put these in a box, on the shelf. Give them to God. You can’t control them anyway, so what good does worry do?

Then make a list of things you CAN control. What you wear, what you eat, whether to FaceTime with someone now or later, what activities to do today. Most importantly, your attitude! You can control your attitude, if you will be grateful or grumpy today. Try it, it works. You can choose your words, you can encourage someone else, you can be cheerful. “A merry heart does good like a medicine...” (Prov. 17:22)

The fourth need we all have is sense of Competency. We need to engage in some activities that we are reasonably good at each day. If we’ve lost our job, or are temporarily laid off, we might feel dejected, like we can’t do what we’re good at. But you can! Now, for you perfectionists out there, I’m not talking about things you’re perfect at, nor that you’ve mastered. Rather, things that you feel somewhat good after doing.

Think baking, reading, juggling, playing an instrument, drawing, painting, sewing, telling jokes, knitting, cooking…the sky’s the limit. It is important that we feel good about ourselves each day. Perhaps you have a kind heart, and like to encourage others. DO IT! Smiling at someone might make their day. Each of us can find something we’re “kind of” good at everyday to do. How about a new hobby, one that you haven’t had time to do before?

 At the end of the day, list all the things you did right today. (Rather than all the mistake you made.) You’ll feel a lot better!

So, if you work at it, be creative and find ways to meet the needs of Connection, Routine, Control, and Competency be met.

 We’ll get through this! And have stories to tell others 20 years from now…

Tips for Staying Sane in Quarantine

Well, a friend and colleague wrote most of these, but I thought they were good for all of us to read and think about. This is a unique time, we get through it by taking one day at a time, and not letting the "what if''s" get to us.

Tips to stay motivated and in good head space while stuck at home…

1. Make your bed

Sticking to your usual morning routine helps to start the day in a sane way. Especially when you get that fear realization that you are stuck at home, doing what you normally do in the morning helps the brain.

2 .Plan a schedule for the day
Plan out your entire day. A routine will establish normalcy in this not-so normal time. This boosts productivity and sense of purpose.

3. Create a bright environment
Whatever space you work in or hang out the most in…do some redecorating! Good lighting, plants, candles, upbeat music, etc. You want a room that you look forward to being in. Make sure you keep it organized and de-cluttered as well.

4. Water, water, water
Stay hydrated, drink lots of water. Don’t just drink soda pop and coffee all day. Also, try your best to eat healthy and not carb load on junk.

5. Spend time outside
It’s easy to start thinking of the outside world as scary. It’s not. Get outside; walk around your yard, do some planting, go for a walk, go for a car drive (and get Starbucks drive thru). Even if it’s just a few minutes several times a day to be outside, breathe deeply and watch the clouds. You need oxygen! A buildup of carbon dioxide is not good for anxiety. Plus, it’s helpful to remember that life still exists, the world has not ended, and that you are still part of the human race.

6. Movement
Devote specific time in your daily schedule for physical activity. Stream an exercise video, do some yoga, walk up and down stairs, stretch. Get the endorphins flowing! You may not have control over some aspects of this world right now, but you have control over your muscles!

7. Practice mindfulness
Same as physical activity, devote some time every day to practice mindfulness. Keep your mind in the here and now – don’t worry about the future. Meditate, listen to a peaceful podcast or guided mediation, do the Hershey kiss trick, hyper focus on your senses around you, close your eyes and listen to music… BREATHE

8. Attitude check
We are human; you will have wonky emotions, feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to allow yourself a bit of a pity party. Know when you’ve had enough and it’s okay to disengage for a bit. But then give yourself an attitude check. I suggest at least once a day, check your attitude. Notice if your thoughts are positive or negative, notice if your body is relaxed or tense. Don’t beat yourself up for this…just notice it and then put energy into turning the ‘tude around.

9. Joy
This is a unique time, we will be telling stories soon about where we were during this crisis and all be wearing “we survived” t-shirts. Make the most of this!!! Try a project you’ve been meaning to do. Read that book you haven’t had time for. Spend quality/ creative time with your family. Cook and eat meals together. Binge watch movies from the 1980s. Write the next great American novel. The possibilities are endless! Finally, once a day do something joyful. Schedule it into your day. Having something positive and joy filled to look forward to in your day is so so important.

10. Spend time with God    Read the Bible, pray, worship, sit quietly before Him, go out an admire Nature, and BE THANKFUL!

credit given to Melissa Doucette, MA, LMFT