What does everyone need to be emotionally whole?

The third thing person needs to be emotionally whole is courage. Consider that anxiety has risen to the #1 mental health problem in the world. (it used to be depression). We are truly entering into the time that the Bible identifies as “Men’s hearts failing them from fear” (Lk. 21:26a)


A fearful person struggles with an inaccurate image of God. “Your God is too small.”


People say these things to themselves:


What if I fail?

I have to be perfect!

I have to be in control.

I will NOT trust.

If I lose ________ it will wipe me out.

I have to have other people’s approval.


Try catching yourself, and replacing such negative self talk with these:


It’s worth a try. What’s the worst that can happen?

I can have to courage to be imperfect. (meditate on that one for a while!)

What have I got to lose?

My worth as a person doesn’t depend on others’ approval.

I’m able to try new things and take the risk of failure.

I don’t have to control things. Even if I don’t like it, I can live with it.



I give out “Brain Vitamins” to my clients. They are positive affirmations on little cards that people can post on their mirrors, or in their cars, or wherever they will frequently look . Some of them are in the self-talk suggestions above.
 Many people post Scripture around their house, to remind them of God’s faithfulness. We need reminding! Why don’t you do that too? Here are some scriptures for you:

Is 49:9,10; II Cor. 4:16-18; Jn. 16:33; Matt. 6: 19-34 (OK, That’s a little long to post on your mirror!); Heb. 11:6; I Jn.4:4, 18.


Faith is the opposite of fear. It comes by hearing the word of God, that is in our innermost parts of our soul. We need to spend time quietly meditating on Him, spend time with a mentor and wise (positive) people, spend time in His word. It can be done, even if we’re “crazy busy!” Audible or listening to the Bible or podcasts is one way to increase our exposure to His life-changing word.


Let’s not let the word squeeze us into its mold. Anxiety is the result! Let’s be intentional to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. The result  will be that you feel better, have much more peace, and are more in love with Jesus.

Emotional Wholness in the Bible part 2

Emotional wholeness in the Bible Part 2

The second quality a person needs to be truly emotionally whole is forgiveness. Now, many people have a misunderstanding of forgiveness. They get it mixed up with TRUSTING again. Or RECONCILIATION. It is neither of these things.

Rather it is giving up your right to hurt the person back. To stay angry. Not to give it up, let it go. 


The self talk a person says who is bitter, who refuses to forgive, is:

“They should be punished”

“It’s their fault, they deserve bad treatment!”

“I’ll hurt them back…”

“My feelings are the most important thing.” 

Notice they are focusing on themselves in every case.


Self talk of a forgiver is:

            “I’m not perfect.”

            “I’m not getting what I deserve.”

            “I’ll let it go.”

            “It’s water under the bridge.”

            “I choose not to hurt them back.”


What a relief it is to set it as your goal to forgive. We can’t always forgive instantly, because our emotions are slower to heal. But we can make it as a goal to forgive, and then re-forgive, and re-forgive, 70 x 7.


Scriptures, for those who like to look them up are: II Cor. 5:17, Eph. 4:20-32, Col.3:12-14, Matt. 6:12-15, Matt. 18:23-35, Heb. 12:15. All of them speak of the need to forgive, and the dire consequences of choosing bitterness. A bitter person struggles with self-righteousness, with forgiveness come humility and grace. Or maybe it’s the other ways around: humility and grace lead to forgiveness. Either way, the forgiver wins.


So, let’s copy the self talk of a good forgiver on little cards or post-it notes, and the Scriptures too. What a relief to receive the gift of being free from bitterness!


I have a blog on forgiveness from a while ago. Here is the link to it: https://cynthiagill1972.blogspot.com/2016/03/3-tips-of-forgiveness-that-you-and-your.html




link

Emotional Wholeness, in the BIBLE?

There are three qualities that each person needs to be emotionally whole. I will talk about each of them in the next several blogs. Rather like Nancy Alcorn, I’m not one to merely talk about things.  “I don’t have a lot of patience for talking about a problem without solving it. The apostle Paul said ‘The kingdom of God is not in talk but in power.’ (I Cor. 4:20) I believe that 100%.”

 I’m speaking in terms of self-talk: what we say to ourselves. That’s where the rubber meets the road. Of course we all battle these, as each of us has to struggle with “stinkin’ thinkin’” throughout our lives. The question is, which one will win?

Recognizing them can help us. Tremendously.

The first is Gratitude.  Here are some of the things a grateful person says to themselves.

                Everything is a gift!

                I don’t have it as bad as some.

                I’m NOT the center of the universe. (try that one with your kids)

                I appreciate whatever I get. (it doesn’t matter what I hoped I’d get)

                God is SO good to me!

An ungrateful person struggles with self-importance  (pride). We need to cultivate thankfulness with humility and grace.

All too often, we engage in Self-Pity.

                Poor me!

                Life sucks!

    The world owes me. (entitlement, anyone?)

    It’s never enough to make me happy.

    I am worthless.

I have 5 Scriptures for those of you interested in looking them up. Eph. 5:15-20, Col. 3:15-17, Ps. 92:1, Rom. 1:21, Ja. 4:1-3,6. All of them exhort a person to be thankful, not entitled or see themselves as a victim.

So work on this one for a few weeks.Copy the self talk statements and the Scriptures down, and put them up by your mirror. Let yourself think of them, and say them regularly. 

 Next time I’ll write about the second quality…

Ditch the Baggage, Change Your Life

Ditch the Baggage, Change Your Life

The title caught my eye.  I’d heard great things about the organization, first hand from someone who had been there. So, I bought the book. 


Wow! 


The 7 Keys to Lasting Freedom that it describes are really good. I found myself wanting to make copies of every chapter for my clients to read: this one chapter 4, these folks chapter 6, etc. Oh wait, I can’t do that, it states it on the copyright page.  Darn. 


I would have to agree with Pastor John Burns, who says “This book is the best, clearest , and most complete explanation of where lasting freedom comes from and exactly how that can be sorted out in your own life.” And I’ve been at this for 35 years or more! 

Sprinkled liberally with first-hand accounts of people who applied these principles and found victory, Nancy Alcorn gently and confidently leads us into what we long for. Freedom. She is the founder of Mercy Multiplied (formerly Mercy Ministries), and has 30 years experience seeing people set free. 

Freedom from what? Here’s a partial list:

            A high need to control situations and people.

            Anger over little things

Anxiety about money and relationships

Weight consciousness

Concerns about reputation

Self-hatred

Lying

Lack of care and concern for others

Critical attitudes

Violent reactions

High walls and the inability to make lasting friends

A distrust of authority

Substance reliance

And the list goes on and on.   “You were born to live free,” asserts the author, Nancy Alcorn. “I don’t have a lot of patience for talking about a problem without solving it. The apostle Paul said the kingdom of God is not in talk but in power (I Cor. 4:20). I believe that 100%.”


Mental health care focuses on changing behavior, which is temporary and gives superficial results. Even the clients that I really help benefit most from a transformation of hearts.  Jesus does that to people that are willing, and this book that I am touting show us the way. 


I will list the 7 keys to freedom, but let me say that they don’t sound earth shaking on their own. Read the book! Even part of it would be beneficial.

Key #1 Total Commitment to Freedom

Key #2 Healing Life’s Hurts

Key #3 Getting God’s Perspective on Your Life

Key #4 Choosing to Forgive

Key #5 Breaking Your Family’s Generational Patterns

Key #6 The Power to Choose Freedom over Oppression

Key #7 How to Maintain Lifelong Freedom


In the Appendix, a list of verses that show who we are in Christ is given. (How very valuable these are!) And then a lot of common “baggage beliefs” (also known as “misbeliefs” or “lies”), along with the thoughts and verses to replace them. 


We can get victory over our thoughts and habits that hold us in bondage! 


What a life-changing book…because the principles are life-changing.

Reflections in a Foggy Mirror

Gone are the days of sitting by the lake fishing, and just thinking. Far in 
the past memories of the older generation are the lazy days of walking 
along, reflecting on life. Everyone is on their screens! "I'm too 
busy!" How often do we hear or think this? 

Our mirrors of life are foggy.

But is this healthy? Can we think about something carefully or rationally, 
and reach a conclusion well without it? My observation is that young people 
and kids already have lost or are losing the ability to think critically. To think for 
themselves. To worship. And with these losses come anxiety. A lack of 
peacefulness.

So what can we do? Do we just sit idly by, and let ourselves be hijacked by our 
phones and i-pads? 

The rebel in me screams "NO!"

Here is a list of questions we can ask ourselves and others to help us learn to 
think deeply again.
Ask yourself these questions. I find that as I'm falling asleep at night, it helps to
 go over the day this way. Especially "what am I grateful for?" 

What am I grateful for today?

What surprised me today?

What made me sad today?

What made me laugh or smile today?

What was a challenge today?

How was I kind today?

How was I brave today?

What were some pleasures today? (another way of saying what I am grateful for)

 How did I fail today? (no shame!!)

Take some time to ask yourself some of these every day. Ask your child, teen,
adult child. Incorporate them into your day.

Take some time each day to be off your phone. Even 20-30 minutes is better than none.

 If we are not led by our thoughts, we are led by the default: our emotions. This 
unfortunately leads to chaos. Think about it: when I’m led by my emotions, without
 regard for rational thinking, doesn’t it lead to chaos? 

I have a picture of a train which I often show my clients. It has “thoughts” as the engine,
 “beliefs” as the coal car, then “behavior” as a car, and lastly a caboose labeled “feelings.”
 If the train is led by thoughts, that is effective living, if it is led by emotions, that leads 
to chaos. The idea is to be led by your thoughts, which are (ideally) fed by true beliefs. 
We don’t ignore our feelings, but we shouldn’t be led by them. 

Yet, if we don’t take some time to think, to reflect, I fear our society is headed for trouble. 
Feelings-led people rarely make good decisions. Think the French Revolution, Rwanda, and
the Hitler rallies. All are examples of people being led by mass emotion.

Let’s take time to think, to reflect, to worship. It is what we’ve been given above the animals. 
Let’s quiet ourselves and do it! 
It'll make life's mirror a little less foggy.

The Cocaine of the Emotions

A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! (According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder!) 

As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!


Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.

Not the best way to live!

Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.

1)       Anger, cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.  Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.

2)      The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.  Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for our emotions to process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.

3)      Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.

4)       Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.

5)      For people of faith, it is valuable to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our ability to hear God’s will.

6)       Some people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness. (It’s not all about me.)

 When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.

 But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least.  Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.

God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.

Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.

Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!

The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?

How to Overcome Disappointment

Today is our 41^st wedding anniversary. To celebrate it, I will publish a blog on disappointment! Overcoming disappointment is one of the reasons we have a happy marriage…

We all experience disappointment in life.  “Not getting what we hoped
for” happens on a regular basis; sometimes it is a huge, life-
changing disappointment, such as the tragic death of a loved one.
Sometimes it is a lower level disappointment, such as the cancellation
of a picnic due to rain, or anything in between. 

 Regardless, we may struggle to adjust to our loss. There are a variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful, some are not so useful,
for our long range emotional & relational health.

It’s no wonder I taught my granddaughter the word “Disappointment” when she
was barely two. It’s an important one to identify!

I remember how I used to deal with disappointment. I had a pity party!
“Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then
one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a
disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.

The most common response is to blame.  Blame one’s spouse, blame God,
blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any
combination of these. It is certainly human to attribute blame when we
are hurt, and the anger we feel is normal.

 I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough
money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That hung
between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, we are on the same page
now).

We need to recognize and learn to manage two emotions wisely: anger and grief.

Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as
threatening.  As a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger
mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well known fact; many are
unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling
to deal with underlying fear and hurt.

 Some are afraid of anger, having grown up in a family atmosphere
where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not
managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or
self loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually
harms others either verbally or physically.

Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely
expressing angry feelings.  The self-talk that fuels it needs to be
changed. “He should change! I can’t stand it! It’s all her fault! I never get what I want!” are some examples of self talk that we need to change to successfully cause our angry feelings to subside.

Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible
loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a
financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible
losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time
such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc.

Grieving is a sign of love: our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other
emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love.  To cope
with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe,
non-judgmental person.

 We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing,
are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the
hurt will you make room for healing.

 Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In
our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do
not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The
unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live
with unresolved grief.  Undealt-with grief frequently turns to
bitterness.

The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s
honor our emotions of disappointment and grief. 

 “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the
disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the
circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change.

So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold on to hope. This too
shall pass…