A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! (According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder!)
As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!
Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.
Not the best way to live!
Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.
1) Anger, cynicism, harshness in
communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are
the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are
courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an
empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.
Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.
2) The goal of grieving is acceptance of
the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.
Acceptance
may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed?
Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way
that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but
life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for
our emotions to process the hurt and
reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power
to arouse or anger us again.
3) Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking
for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and
responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival
attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or
others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.
4) Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t
let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside
15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled
feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the
next “grieving time”.
5) For people of faith, it is valuable
to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered
individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of
not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our
ability to hear God’s will.
6) Some people engage in self-loathing. Some
people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it
equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility
is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness.
(It’s not all about me.)
When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.
But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least. Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.
God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.
Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.
Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!
The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?
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