Digging Up Roots Leads to Awesome Stories

I was weeding the garden the other day. Weeds that have shallow root systems were easy to pull out. But those with extensive ones- whoa, watch out! I got to thinking that that is like lies in our mind. Roots of bitterness that go deep, take longer to get out. They’re more persistent. (But we can eliminate them, with hard work and intentionality). How much better that we get them out while they are still young and fresh.

The most amazing story is told of a group of five young families living in Ecuador in 1956. They were concerned about a tribe on the verge of extinction, and as outsiders wanted to bring the understanding of a new way of life to that tribe.  This tribe called the Waodani was very egalitarian, but if anyone offended the other, the only recourse they had was to kill them. Life expectancy was short for these people, as all had family members that had been speared, and each of them lived in fear that they would be next.

  

The five men learned some of their language, and went to the jungles to befriend the Waodani. After several weeks of contact and gift exchanging, they thought they had earned some trust of these people. But, tragically, all five of them were speared to death, as the Waodani became fearful of them.

The wife and sister of two of the men went to live among these people. They were able to teach them a different way to relate to each other, based on forgiveness and mutual respect, and the tribe accepted them. The killers adopted the children of the five slain men. Even 50 years later, the friendships remain; movies and books have been written about this story.  And the Waodani freely tell how they would have all killed each other had these people not shown them different way to live.

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

The story is told of Thomas Edison and his light bulb. When he was inventing it, it took nearly 100 hours to make one. His assistant, a young man, took the light bulb in his hands to carry it upstairs, and crash! He tripped, smashing it into smitherines. Edison did not rebuke him, but reassured him, and calmly told his staff to get busy making another one. Several weeks later, the bulb was finished. With a look of confidence, Edison asked this same young man to carry it upstairs. Did he deserve it? Not really! How do you think he felt about his relationship with his boss after that?

Now THAT’S forgiveness!

Most of us are not in that situation though. We haven’t had a relative murdered, or even a valuable light bulb smashed. It’s the little things that count.

Weeds of resentment begin to take root when we don’t fight fair.

“You always make us late, because you don’t have margin in your life.” This statement breaks two of the rules of fighting fair: it says “ALWAYS” in an attempt to make your point. The second rule it breaks is it says “YOU” in an accusatory way. Guaranteed to elicit a defensive responsive reaction.

How can a person respond, expressing themselves, yet have what John Gottman calls a “gentle startup” to a disagreement? First off she could say “I’m frustrated by how often we are late.” Note that this doesn’t contain the always/never extreme. Extreme statements push us to extreme emotions, NOT what we need when we’re trying to work out a problem. I messages are always better: take responsibility for your own emotions.

“I wish you would have more margin in your life…” instead of accusing the person of having NONE. This removes the element of control. And yet you are expressing yourself. The person then (ideally) would respond “I’m trying.”

This is an example if a gentle start up and an amicable ending to what otherwise could have escalated into a bitter fight.

            The Bible says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1) When fights start with harshness, insults, sarcasm, contempt, they usually end that way. Unresolved. No wonder so many relationships turn sour over the years!

Forgiveness starts with a gentle answer; that’s living the lifestyle of forgiveness. A much better way to live.

Keeping Your Kids Safe from the New Strangers

This week I’m borrowing a blog from a person who has an idea worth exporting. “Tricky People” are the new strangers. They are the people who aren’t safe; you can tell that because THEY ASK KIDS FOR HELP!!
Read this blog, and watch teach your kids to be smarter…
Quick backstory. Actually, I’m incapable of condensing anything so it can be considered “quick” but I’ll try. Three days ago I was in the shower around 8:30am when it felt like I was shot in my left ovary. You didn’t see that one coming, did you?  In short, it was an unbearable pain that had me doubled over, light-headed, and incredibly nauseous. Well, with the help of some unseen angels, truly, I somehow got enough clothes on my body to be decent, and drove my four kids and myself five minutes to the ER. (My husband was out of town which has proven to be a common theme in our house when family emergencies arise.)
In a moment of what I deem foggy-thinking “pain brain” I left my two oldest boys–CJ (10) and T-Dawg (8) outside the ER door on a bench to await our kind neighbor who said he was coming to pick them up and take them to school (thanks to my parents who arranged all this while I was driving to the ER). My younger two and I went inside to see if we couldn’t figure out what the heck was causing the pain. Spoiler alert: Ruptured ovarian cyst. Really fun stuff.

It wasn’t until my boys came home from school at 3:30pm, that I found out they had been waaaay late to school. I had wrongly assumed my neighbor was coming from his house (not somewhere farther away), so my two boys sat out front of the ER for 40 minutes. Not the 5 minutes I had expected. Their story of what had transpired while I had stupidly left them out there alone made me simultaneously sick and grateful.
In that 40 minutes of obedient sitting and waiting, my two boys experienced their first real-world experience with the freaky, perverted strangers they’ve been intermittently warned about. While on that bench, they were approached by an adult female and two punk males who asked them if they’d “help them out by going into the bathroom where her boyfriend was hiding from the doctor and see if they could convince him to come out and get treated.” Yes, I’m serious that’s what they said. Even after CJ replied, “No, thank you” they kept at them.

“Please? You could really save his life if you’d just go in that bathroom and tell him it’s safe to come out.”
CJ said he returned all three of their pleas for help with a “no, thank you” (each stronger than the last) before they finally let up. Shortly afterward, the neighbor showed up and my boys jumped in his car, but, not before they saw a third adult male come out from the bathroom, jump into the car with these other three hooligans and drive off.

My mouth hung open the entire time they relayed this account.

My anger and shock turned to immense gratitude, however, when I heard CJ spout off a family “stay safe” rule we went over way too long ago that helped him know these creeps were up to no good. Most specifically, a tip for identifying a “tricky person.”
CJ: “Mom, I knew they were tricky people because they were asking us for help. Adults don’t ask kids for help.”
Have you heard of the tricky people concept?  Tricky people are the new strangers. Pattie Fitzgerald, the creator of Safely Ever After where the tricky people concept originated says, “Stop telling your kids not to talk to strangers. They might need to talk to a stranger one day. Instead, teach them which sorts of strangers are safe.”
One of her guidelines for knowing what people are unsafe is the rule CJ remembered in time of need–tricky people ask kids for help. If a safe adult needs help, they’ll ask another adult. Not a kid. Pattie includes many other tips and rules for staying safe under her “prevention tips” tab on her Safely Ever After website. This website also does a great job of re-capping her life-saving information.
Click on and read all that information if you haven’t already. Please. Hold family meetings where you talk about and role play these concepts periodically. This experience has made me grateful that we had gone over this in the past, but even more so, it’s made me determined to continue going over these stay safe rules. Regularly.
 
When it’s all said and done, the phrase “knowledge is power” undoubtedly applies to our kids keeping themselves safe. We know we won’t always be physically present to protect our kids from everything–I’m sure you lose sleep over this like I do. But, we can empower them and give them confidence by teaching them what they can do in these kind of situations.

I know our next family meeting will involve CJ teaching his siblings about identifying tricky people, and us interjecting information to fill the holes in our teaching we noticed from this experience. Like for instance, there is no need to be polite to an adult that is making you uncomfortable. Thank you Texas for teaching my boys your dreamy Southern hospitality but in the event adults are making my kids uncomfortable or are asking them to break their stay safe rules, a “no thank you” is not required.
Sigh.
 I shared this whole experience with you so you could learn from it. Like we have. If you haven’t already, take the necessary time to establish your own family stay safe rules–the links I’ve included in this post are a great place to start. If you’ve already got your family stay safe rules in place, re-visit them. And don’t forget the tricky person concept because let’s face it, our kids are growing in a world that’s replete with them.
Update: I have since contacted Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After mentioned above, in regards to whether or not her two children’s books on Amazon teach the tricky people concept. Her reply is below for those of you interested in using a book to help you teach this and other stay safe concepts to your children:
“My book No Trespassing – This Is MY Body! is all about private parts/personal safety and thumbs up touches vs. thumbs down touches.  It’s very child friendly and not weird or yucky.  Just good common sense in kid-friendly language.

It doesn’t touch upon the tricky people concept very much, but my second book does.  It’s called Super Duper Safety School. It takes the safety rules and explains each one in child-friendly terms that make sense and are empowering.  It covers tricky people, being the boss of your body, the uh-oh feeling, check first, and much more.  Both are available on Amazon.”
Tags:
confidence, stay safe

"I could read this every week!"

I spend a lot of time alone. The other day, seeing people walking and talking together, I was wishing I could have more friends. Then, one weekend, I was with friends practically non-stop. And I cried out “Help, I need some alone time!”

Contentment.  How elusive it is! Yet are there some secrets we can learn that will bring us to experience more of it? I told my granddaughter I knew the secret of happiness. I had her attention. It is: wanting what we have, not wanting what we can’t have.

How simple. Yet, how hard. The hardest commandment to keep is the last one: you shall not covet. Jealousy is part of our fallen nature. It was jealousy that led Lucifer astray. It was jealousy of God himself that led Adam and Eve to eat the fruit – jealousy is a lack of faith that God has our best in mind!

Jealousy takes many forms. Comparing ourselves to someone else, and wishing for their gifts. Particularly lethal is wishing our spouse would be like him/her. Wanting more money, a certain car, house, or type of clothing. Aspiring to a ministry is ok, but where is the line between honestly hoping to do something great, and bitter jealousy or selfish ambition? We all can relate to some of these, perhaps all of them.

I’ve found that I need to be honest with myself when I’m jealous of someone else. Only then can I deal with it. Whether it’s a small thing like “I wish I had more friends,” or a big thing like “Why did Psychology Today call about our book, but never followed up on it?” (this happened with our book), I need to talk to myself directly. I can talk myself down from feeling discontented if I want to, if I am honest about it, really admitting that I am jealous of someone else. If I want to. Perhaps I need some time to feel sorry for myself. But, the negative comments, the complaining that comes from a discontented soul…is that worth it?

There are three things that contribute to contentment.

1) Gratitude is part of the answer. We have so much to be thankful for! Think about if you lived in a war-torn country, or a developing nation. Then our “first world problems” wouldn’t seem so big! Or imagine if you were disabled somehow. The smallest thing would be a victory.

I often do this exercise with my clients. Imagine you are blind for a minute. Then list two things you are grateful you can see. The same for hearing: two things that give you pleasure to listen to. Imagine two things that you love to touch, two things you love to smell, and you love to taste. What a joy it is, listing 10 things they are grateful for! The smallest things we take for granted can be recognized as pleasures.

Our Intensive Outpatient Program uses gratitude to bring healing to its participants. Each person has to come up with three things they are thankful for every day - and they can’t be the same. One lady said that changes her attitude first thing in the morning, planning what she is going to say. Amazing.

2) The second part is intentionality. The other day I was having one of those pity-parties. I let myself cry and feel sorry for myself for a while. But then I thought, “I spend the whole week, trying to get others to think positive thoughts, yet here I am, in the depths…” Just then I happened to look in the rearview mirror (I was driving). There was a man in the car behind me who reminded me of a dear friend, a pastor who was so kind and caring. I decided to think about him for a while, remembering words he had spoken, things he had done. Before I knew it, I was out of the dumps, thinking more rational and positive thoughts.

But it was intentionality that did it. If I hadn’t wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the doldrums like that. The mind naturally goes to negative thoughts unless effort and intentionality are used.

3) The third tool that helps us achieve contentment is perspective. How long do we have to put up with pain, sorrow, heartache? I’d like to quote John MacArthur in this one “A person’s ability to bear up under sorrow is directly related to his ability to focus on the eternal, rather than the temporal.” (Bible Commentary) The Bible says “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory far beyond comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen…” (II Cor 4:17, 18a)

One client who was real depressed told me how to encourage her: “Just tell me that this too shall pass.” It sounds simple, but it requires us to dial in to a different paradigm. That all of this life is just temporary, a preparation for the next one.
 

In conclusion, if we focus on what we do have rather than what we don’t/can’t have; if we want to, we can choose to be content. Sometimes we need to play tricks on our minds to get them there, but we can. If we focus on the unseen rather than the seen, we CAN be content!

Let’s choose to be less complain-y and more contented and grateful.
Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live?

---

Vinegar or Honey? Dealing with Bitterness

BITTERNESS

A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including wanting him to die! According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder...

As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!

Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others. When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts came into my mind.

Not the best way to live!

Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.

1)      Anger, cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book.  Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways such as various addictions.

2)     The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss, while overcoming the bitterness.  Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It may take time for our emotions to process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.

3)     Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time schedule.

4)      Avoid minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.

5)     For people of faith, it is valuable to look at disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our ability to hear God’s will.

6)      Some people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing, thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate. True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness. (It’s not all about me.)

 When we don’t understand, our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God. God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.

 But the mature individual will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe is an unwise position, to say the least.  Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.

God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18). Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/ accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution (multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.

Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.

Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the wounds you carry!

The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or BETTER?

"Poor me!" Dealing with Disappointment

Everyone experiences disappointment. 

The “Not getting what we hoped for” disappointment happens regularly.  Sometimes the disappointment is huge and life-changing, such as the tragic death of a loved one. Sometimes it is a lower level disappointment, such as the cancellation of a picnic due to rain. Or anything in between.  Regardless of the type of disappointment, we often struggle to adjust to our loss.

 No wonder I taught my granddaughter the word “Disappointment” when she was barely two. An important emotion to identify!

There are a variety of ways we can respond to disappointment, some are useful for our long range emotional and relational health, and some that are not so useful

I remember how I used to deal with disappointment: I had a pity party! “Poor me! It always happens to me…” For years I lived like that. Then one day, I decided that I didn’t want to go through life as a disappointed person. Thus began my journey OUT of the mire.

The most common response to disappointment is to blame.  Blame one’s spouse, blame God, blame the authorities, blame the government, blame ourselves, or any combination of these. It is certainly human to assign blame when we are hurt. The anger we feel is normal. I remember when I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go to the mission field. The most logical thing was to blame my husband, since 1) we didn’t have enough money and 2) he didn’t want to go as passionately as I did. That disappointment hung between us for quite a few years! (Thankfully, that has been resolved.)

There are two emotions that we need to recognize and learn to manage wisely: anger and grief.

Anger is the response of our body to a stimulus that it perceives as threatening.  Since anger is a secondary emotion, the various degrees of anger mask fear, pain, and shame. This is not a well-known fact; many are unaware that when they experience anger, they are actually struggling to deal with underlying fear and hurt.

Some people are afraid of anger, especially if they grew up in a family atmosphere where anger was handled poorly and caused much pain. When anger is not managed, it leads to harm. Bottled-up anger leads to depression or self-loathing. Anger that is expressed in an aggressive manner usually harms others either mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Contrary to popular belief, anger does not subside by merely expressing angry feelings.  The self-talk that fuels it needs to be changed.

Grief is an emotion that may be due to a tangible or an intangible loss. Obvious losses such as death, divorce, a job loss, or a financial setback are easy to identify. More hidden are the intangible losses: loss of a dream, the inevitable changes that come with time such as aging, children leaving home, our bodies deteriorating, etc. Grieving is a sign of love, our tears, sadness, sorrow, and other emotions we experience demonstrate the depth of our love.  To cope with the grief we need to talk about our feelings with a safe, non-judgmental person.

We MUST feel to heal! Crying, vigorous exercise, painting, writing, are all constructive ways to express feelings. Only by letting out the hurt will you make room for healing.

Many Americans do not know what to do with the emotion of grief. In our “quick fix”, “get over it and get on with it” society, we often do not allow the time necessary to honor our emotional pain. The unfortunate result of this hurry-up attitude is that many people live with unresolved grief.  Undealt-with grief frequently turns to bitterness.

The topic of bitterness will be my blog in two weeks. Meanwhile, let’s honor our emotions of disappointment and grief.  “For everything there is a season,” says the Scripture. Can we put up with the disappointment by seeing it as a season? Temporary? Even if the circumstances are not temporary, our perspective is. It can change. 

So, honor your grief, anger, and pain, but hold on to hope. This too shall pass…

How should I fight?

Fighting Fair

We all fight. But the question is, can we recover from it? And can we go on to have more positive than negative emotion in our relationship?

Following are some thoughts on the subject.

Here’s a list of things to NOT do when you fight:

            * swearing

            * name-calling

            * pushing or hitting

            * slamming doors and stomping

            * throwing items

            * punching walls

            * pointing fingers

            * stonewalling or the silent treatment (after the initial cool down period)

These are destructive behaviors! And they will guarantee that your fight will escalate far beyond where you want it to go.

Here are some more things to add to this list:

·      Using the words “You Always…” or “You Never…”  Come on, these aren’t really true, are they? Does your partner ALWAYS or NEVER do something? These phrases push both of your emotions to the extreme. Not helpful! Try saying “Often,” or “Rarely.” These have a more moderate ring to them.

·      Being ACCUSED of something. For example, “You make me so mad!” is a statement that blames, without the speaker taking any responsibility for his/her emotional reaction. Much better to say “I feel hurt, or disappointed, or yes even mad when you…” At least you’re taking responsibility for your feelings.

To successfully solve a problem you have to identify it. And clarify, clarify, clarify! So the first thing you need to do is to calm yourself down so that you can think rationally. If you need 20-30 minutes to do that, take it. But be sure you re-engage to solve to problem.

John Gottman, the world’s #1 marriage researcher, says that if a couple uses a “harsh start up” going into a conflict, it will most likely end harshly. Insults, sarcasm, contemptuous talk are all harsh start-ups. Use a softer start-up for a better response.

Harsh: “I want Joey to grow up seeing teamwork. I want him to see us as adults and himself as the child rather than seeing me pick up after two kids.”

Softened startup: “You know, I’ve been working twice as many hours as I used to, and I am feeling overwhelmed with the housework. I need some help figuring out how I can get more help from you without feeling like I am nagging.”

Notice in the first one she is harsh, calling him a child. The second one uses what we call “I-messages,” the difference is tremendous!

My own parents did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they did right. I grew up hearing them praise each other. “Dear, you are wonderful!” exclaimed my mother often. It’s for this reason, I believe, that they were able to get their marriage back on track when it got negative.

We need to hear more positive than negative in a week. Let’s fight fair, and then the recovery won’t be so far away to reach!

                      

3 Tips on Forgiveness that You and Your Kids Need to Know

I recently read a good blog post about shaming into forgiveness, which prompted
this one. My son asked me about it, and following is the answer I gave
him.

http://anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/blog

What a good blog that was! I agree with it about 90%. Yes, Christians
are bad (unknowingly) about shaming people into forgiveness. It's one
reason why pastoral counseling often fails. The way I always explain
it is this:

1) There are two parts to your brain: the cognitive part and the
emotional part. The cognitive part can CHOOSE to let go of the hurt,
to not hurt the person back. But the emotional part has to process the
hurt first, maybe for a while, before they can forgive emotionally.
Sometimes, depending on the hurt (abuse, etc) it might take a year or
more.

I differ with your friend because she doesn't articulate the
difference between the cognitive part of the brain and the emotional
part of the brain, thus concluding the "we don't have to forgive if we
aren't ready". It's true, we don't HAVE to forgive, but the
consequences are dire. Not only do we cut ourselves off from God's
forgiveness, but there are ramifications in our body and soul. Who
wants to be a bitter soul?

2) One distinction we need to make is to define what forgiveness is NOT.
It is NOT trusting the person again. Trust is earned; it is behavior
over time. Some people are not trustworthy, and we can never trust
them again. Also, it doesn't always mean reconciliation. A person can
forgive without being reconciled: by choosing to give up the right to
hurt the person back.

I've found that one of the reasons people don't forgive is that they
don't understand the definition of forgiveness; (they think it means
trusting again or reconciling). It is a GOAL to forgive emotionally,
and it might take a while.

3) What this means for parenting is this. DON'T pressure the little ones
to forgive while they are still hurting. It re-victimizes the victim!
Rather, tell the offender that she has to make restitution for it.
Three times over, or a big thing like offer something of hers for her
sister to play with. That way she can sit in her guilt for a while,
and then make amends so the victim will trust her. Mention forgiveness
later, maybe hours later, when there's not negative emotion simmering.
Otherwise you will shame them into forgiving prematurely.

So, the saying “forgive and forget” is not really a very good one. Our
minds are not made that way! Rather, we should say “forgive and let
them earn your trust back.”  But that doesn’t slip off the tongue so easily; it lacks the alliteration! Does anyone have a good one to replace it?

Anyway, avoid shaming your kids, yourself, and others into forgiveness. Choose to give up your right to hurt them back, then allow your self (or them) time to process and heal.  It works so much better!