BITTERNESS
A number of years ago a good friend of mine was abused by
her husband. I was furious. Inside me ran all kinds of emotions, including
wanting him to die! According to Matt. 5:21-22, I was guilty of murder...
As the years have gone by, I have made a conscious decision
to give up my right to hurt him back, and have experienced the bitterness going
away. But, wow, was that ever a scary feeling!
Bitterness is like a poisoned root that has a way of
polluting our emotions, our thinking, and our relationships, especially affecting
those we love the most: family members. When a person carries bitterness from
an unhealed disappointment, it distorts how they see themselves and others.
When I was bitter against my friend’s husband, all kinds of destructive thoughts
came into my mind.
Not the best way to live!
Here are some pointers on dealing with bitterness.
1)
Anger,
cynicism, harshness in communication, and irrational reactions result from
bitterness. These are the kinds of things that people work on when they visit
counselors, IF they are courageous enough to actually visit one. Some people
find solace in an empathetic friend, a journal, or a book. Too many avoid the pain in less useful ways
such as various addictions.
2)
The goal of grieving is acceptance of the loss,
while overcoming the bitterness.
Acceptance may need to involve forgiveness. Whom did we blame when we
were disappointed? Honoring our emotional make-up is vital: acknowledge in a
non-judgmental way that we feel angry at that person (or persons). Then make
the costly but life-giving choice to give up our right to hurt them back. It
may take time for our emotions to
process the hurt and reach that point; but that is the goal. Then the memory
will not have the power to arouse or anger us again.
3)
Be willing to seek help. Sometimes being strong
means asking for help. There are times when seeking help is the most courageous
and responsible thing we can do for our family. Encourage and support a
survival attitude in yourself. Be optimistic and do not give up. Do not let
yourself or others attempt to measure your feelings or put you on a time
schedule.
4)
Avoid
minimizing your feelings, but don’t let them rule you either. Some people
grieve in increments, setting aside 15 minutes a day to feel the grief and
anger, then returning those grief-filled feelings to their velvet lined basket
in the corner of their mind until the next “grieving time”.
5)
For people of faith, it is valuable to look at
disappointment within the framework of Scripture. As naturally self-centered
individuals, we are easily hurt and tend to focus on the negative aspects of
not getting what we hoped for. When we do that, we may doubt ourselves, and our
ability to hear God’s will.
6)
Some
people engage in self-loathing. Some people are confused about self-loathing,
thinking that it equates with humility. However, such a belief is not accurate.
True humility is replacing self-importance (I deserve to have my way) with self-forgetfulness.
(It’s not all about me.)
When we don’t understand,
our humanity naturally cries out “Why, God?!” And we can become angry at God.
God can handle our anger, He is merciful, kind, and understanding. He does not
micro-manage us. We can be honest with Him, expressing our emotions to Him.
But the mature individual
will soon recognize that staying mad at the Sovereign Creator of the universe
is an unwise position, to say the least.
Demanding an answer that satisfies us is arrogance, and we know that God
resists the proud and draws close to the humble. The sooner a person decides to
make right their relationship with God, the better off they are.
God promises to bless us and to multiply us. (Heb. 6:14-18).
Theses 2 basic promises meet all three of our basic human needs: to be loved/
accepted and safe (blessed) and to be significant/ make a contribution
(multiply us: i.e. our influence, use our talents to make a difference). Our
job is to have patience, perseverance, and manage our own emotions so they
don’t lead us into chaos. Emotional reasoning always leads us away from the
quiet, inner confidence that we are designed to live in.
Order, with Christ as the center of our lives instead of
ourselves, brings peace instead of anxiety, and joy instead of depression. Thus
unfolds the Kingdom of God that we hear so much about in the Gospels.
Let’s become more emotionally intelligent people! Identify
the disappointment, process the anger, and honor the grief. Allowing ourselves
to heal is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and those we
love. We will pass on the legacy of un-dealt-with emotional pain. Let your love
for your kids give you the courage to do the work needed to heal from the
wounds you carry!
The bottom line is: #Am I going to let it make me BITTER or
BETTER?
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